Four references that could be used by one character to mock another character wearing a ridiculous muumuu dress in a scene from a fictional sitcom

I suppose the title speaks for itself.

Mama Harper
"On tonight's episode of 'Mama's Family..."

Mrs. Roper
"Could you tell Mr. Roper that the rent will be ready tomorrow?"

Mama Bear
"So what trouble did the other Berenstain Bears get into this time Mama? Too much junk food? Too much TV?" (Too soon? Also, I never realized how frequently the covers involved a shot of the mom glaring disapprovingly at her family).

King-Size Homer
"Didn't want to look like a weirdo, huh?" But really, any reference to the episode would be fine: "Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas"; "Where's your cape?"; "Off to see 'Honk If You're Horny'?"; "Now you're a big fat dynamo!" (all these references would also work best if the muumuu wearing character was a male, preferably fat).

I also considered a reference to Lady Aberlin from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, but I figured it was a shade too esoteric; that and I always found it perplexing and disconcerting as a child that her uncle King Friday was a hand sized puppet while she was a full grown human woman.

Five things that, according to Macho Man Randy Savage, are not as exciting as eating Slim Jims

Potato Chips

By far Macho's most restrained, stripped down, production.

Working at a Pizza Place

It's fairly obvious who has "snapped" here.

Studying at the Library

I think the librarian's question was more than reasonable.

Replacing Light Bulbs

Does the store owner really deserve all that abuse?

Amateur Productions of "Romeo & Juliet"

"Art Thou Bored?"

Man I miss watching Saturday afternoon wrestling in the 90s.

First season episode list for a fictional weekly TV series about me and my student loans

The New Year is just about here and optimism abounds for the prospects of next year. Even a pretty pessimistic guy like me has to admit that he still feels some degree of enthusiasm at the idea of a fresh new beginning. Unfortunately this year, it has been exceedingly difficult to build any momentum for the new year since January '11 is also the time when the rest of my student loan debt, built up over 7 years of higher education, finally starts becoming due. Some other loans that came due earlier have already taken much of the juice from Christmas; really there is nothing like sending a cool G to Sallie Mae to really get oneself into the spirit of giving (at least my high-paying legal job will help with the repayment...oh wait...). However as my mother always said "when life gives you lemons, make punny fictional lemonade", so here is the complete, totally made up, episode list for "Victor vs. A Life Time of Student Debt" season 1:

1. Episode 1: Sallie Mae-hem! (Pilot)
2. Episode 2: PLUS-sized Trouble
3. Episode 3: Fun with Forbearance
4. Episode 4: An "Interest"-ing Development
5. Episode 5: Stafford Syndrome
6. Episode 6: Subsidized Pleasure, Unsubsidized Pain
7. Episode 7: Perkins Envy
8. Episode 8: A Fistful of Late Fees
9. Episode 9: Disaster Deferred?
10. Episode 10: Showdown in Wilkes-Barre

Not quite sure what the tone would be. Tragedy? Comedy? Action? Vorshtein? Oh and to those rich/lucky sons of bitches who have no idea what all these student loan references are, I hope your butler spits in your fillet mignon tonight.

End of the Year Vic-tacular!

Well, there were some doubters, including myself, but the December 31st trifecta is now officially complete.

Now as a special gift to all you loyal readers out there (and even illiterate fans of the blog), here's a brief, hastily assembled, little clip show showcasing some of the highlights from our 130 entries this year (do you remember when some of these were posted?).

Take it away Zombies...

Hypothetical playlist for a "Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Viewing Party"

I'm not saying I will be throwing a Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Party (with complementary Burt mustaches for everyone to wear), but if I ever do find myself planning such an event this is how it'll probably go down. To clarify, this night of tribute to the man who single-handedly defined hairy American masculinity through the 70s and 80s will concentrate on Burt's often overlooked (and quite prolific) catalog of straight action vehicles. This means that some of his more well known and successful works from his other genres like action comedy (Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit), sports (The Longest Yard, Semi-Tough), and Peter Bogdanovich directed period flops (At Long Last Love, Nickelodeon) will be excluded. The fare will be limited to straight up Burt Reynolds mustachioed action.

8:00 pm
White Lightning (1973)

It is a bit of a controversial move to kick off a "Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Party" with a movie featuring a mustache-less Burt, however, I think he shows shows enough chest hair throughout to make up the difference. This has everything one would expect from a Burt Reynolds action picture: crooked authority figures (one of the all time great crooked sheriff performances by Ned Beatty), some blonde love interest, moonshine, car chases, cumbersome fist fighting, guns; all deliciously country-fried to perfection. It's sort of a less carefree version of the "Dukes of Hazzard." Reynolds would essentially remake this film in one way or the other for about the next 20 years.

10:00 pm

Gator (1976)

Having just witnessed the action packed conclusion of "White Lightning", everyone obviously wants to know what becomes of Reynold's Gator McKlusky in this sequel. The story is essentially along the lines of "White Lightning", except you replace the evil sheriff with the evil politician (played by future Smokey and the Bandit series co-star Jerry Reed). Gator drives, shoots, punches, and gets with Lauren Hutton; all carried by his trademark smart alecky southern charm. This was also Burt's feature directorial debut.

12:00 am

Sharky's Machine (1981)

You wouldn't believe how disappointed I was when I learned that the titular "machine" was not some type of fantastic crime fighting robot but rather the name given to the ragtag group of investigators that aid Sharky in his quest to put away the crooked governor involved in a high class prostitution ring (unbelievable I know). As with any action film involving prostitution rings, there is indeed a hooker with a heart of gold (Rachel Ward) and, yes, she eventually gets with Sharky.

2:00 am
Stick (1985)

I have to admit I haven't got around to watching "Stick" but from what I've gathered, it looks like a winner. You've got Reynolds playing his Gator-esque ex-con looking to make good but getting involved with crooked characters, a sexy Candice Bergen as a possible fem fatale, more Burt directing, and a story by Elmore Leonard. To me the whole thing sort of looks like an action packed version of "Body Heat" except with more mustachioed ass kicking.

4:00 am

Malone (1987)

All those who made it all the way through to 4 will be rewarded with this spectacular conclusion to the Burt action period. What can I write that wikipedia's quoting of the Allmovie guide hasn't already written:

Malone (Burt Reynolds) has been a "wet" operative for the CIA for many years, serving his country by performing assassinations. He is tired of his job and wants to get out of "the company" (as it is called) and live a normal life. He is looking along the Pacific Northwest for a place to settle down when his much-cherished classic Mustang breaks down outside the town of Comstock. He manages to get to a small gas station and is treated like family by a Vietnam veteran, who is the station's owner, and his daughter. They are suffering from the nefarious activities of a local bigwig (Cliff Robertson) to take over all the land in the city in a hare-brained development scheme. He soon runs afoul of the town sheriff, who is basically an employee of the developer, but eventually wins his respect. Meanwhile, the CIA is none too pleased to hear of Malone's intended retirement and send a succession of hit-men after him to ensure that he divulges none of their dirty secrets. Malone destroys the first two killers at some cost to his own well-being. The next assassin turns out to be a woman who is susceptible to his charms. Meanwhile, he has a thorough-going local scoundrel to put out of business

There seems to be at least a half dozen action cliches in that plot description. While the marathon party may be wrapping up after Malone around 6, there is always the possibility of some sweet extra breakfast Burt if one of the cable channels is airing an episode of "Evening Shade."

VSO's 100 Blogs...100 Typos: 10 - 1

The long and winding road has led us to this, the final edition of the VSO 100 Blogs...100 Typos countdown. Like the recently canceled NBC series "Las Vegas", all good things must come to an end. Ninety entries have passed and now it's onto the all time top ten! I guess if you're some kind of insane "Victor Sells Out" fanatic (it's understandable) then you may have already narrowed down the final group of ten by the process of elimination; but for the rest of the people out there with jobs and lives, I'm sure you're all in torturous suspense over what made the final spots. I would say the extended delay between the previous post and this one was to create the adequate gravitas for the final unveiling rather than the simple fact that I was lazy, but then I'd be a liar.

So for one last time, lead me to the blogs:

10. So I might as well begin to put some action in my life
December 21, 2007

Recently the last of my second semester grades finally tricked in through the registrar. In all, I actually ended up doing slightly worse than my first semester (which weren't exactly head of the class like numbers to begin with). I'm not sure really how to account for this discrepancy. I was equally lazy and unmotivated and was just as confused on the finals as the first semester. I might say that I stayed the same and my classmates got better, but nothing has shown me that most of them are any less lazy, unmotivated, and confused as the previous semester. That only leads me to conclude that I just haven't been listening to enough Judas Priest during finals time. I had eschewed my first semester anthem "Breaking the Law" for gimmicky trends like "silence" and "non distracting ambient music" to my eventual under performance. Could it be that along with possibly causing suicides, the influential British metal of Priest, aids in the studying process? I'll have to test that theory for my upcoming Civil Procedure Final in July. If you need me you'll find me in the 2nd floor study area with my notes, my Glannon Study Guide, and a copy of "British Steel".

9. It's Pat! 33 Things I Remember About Patrick Ewing
April 8, 2008

I actually had a lot of fun, reminiscing about Ewing and 90s Knicks basketball while coming up with my 33 memories (fortunately I didn't create for myself the unenviable task of writing a post about fellow Hall of Fame big man, George Mikan). I really do miss the days when the Knicks were consistently, rock solid, good and weren't made up of players that I have nothing but contempt for. Despite my great desire to see the Knicks make their way back to respectability, I have to say I'm still not that optimistic despite all the recent developments (new GM, new coach, high draft pick). All the talented management and coaching in the world still won't immediately turn around a team full of bad players with even worse contracts and since Ewing, the Knicks have had a less than stellar history of first round choices (Frederic Weis, John Wallace, Michael Sweetney). Knicks should think about re-signing Charles Oakley, he may be 130 but I'm sure he'll still play solid defense and gets a few boards a game.

8. Negligent like candy
February 14, 2008

Perhaps one day in the future I'll have kids; and maybe one day they'll come up to me on their hoverboards and self lacing shoes and ask their old man what life was like growing up. If I'm too busy or lazy to provide a long, complicated answer that actually provides detail and depth about adolescent life at the turn of the New Millennium, I'll just tell them to watch the "Candy" video. More so than those other "iconic" teeny bopper videos of the late 90s-early 00s, "Candy" somehow manages to give me a brief, fleeting, genuine, flashback to that period of time. I can't really explain it, maybe it's the dated portable cd player she's using, those ugly "New Beetles", the skateboarding, or the fact that we're the same age. Whatever it is, the whole thing comes off as just slightly more real then those Britney or Nsync videos which have gone through the nostalgia machine so many times they've lost all meaning to me. Oh, and it will also show my kids what life was like before our apocalyptic war with the machines.

7. Soundtrack Serendipity (Not the soundtrack to Serendipity)
October 20, 2007

The mind is just this hollow chamber filled with little rubber super balls of thoughts, ideas, memories, etc all uncontrollably bouncing off each other. Every once in a while two seemingly completely divergent thoughts will smash into each other and suddenly it'll all too briefly make sense. That's basically the above entry in a nutshell. Looking back over it, I thought two things: there sure are a lot of improper admission and omission of commas and semicolons and how the hell did I ever think of these connections? I guess that's the only advice I can give to being at least an interesting writer, just keep filling your head with enough random, useless, crap that eventually some will form an unholy union and something fresh and interesting will come out. Of course filling your head with such things will most likely also make you completely useless as a productive practical member of society.

6. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider...Sitcom shows go to college to completely suck
September 8, 2007

Thus far the successful college sitcom still remains one of the great challenges of the sitcom genre. The setting rules for a successful sitcom now seems to stand at (in chronological order):

• High school
• Post college introduction to the real world
• Unhappy singledom
  
• Newly Weds
• Childless post newly weds
• Unhappy middle aged marriage with kids
• Post divorce
  
• Empty nest life
  
• Retirement (and eventual death)

For a genre based on comedy, it sounds like a pretty empty and unfulfilling life.

5. Being There
November 19, 2007

Even though it only happened a few months ago, that big scary writer's strike now seems like such a distant memory. I truly feel sad for anyone whose quality of life was seriously hurt by the lack of scripted prime time programming. I look at all the generic, uninspired crap the networks throw at the prime time TV viewer and wonder how anyone could lower their standards of entertainment so much to build their nightly viewing schedules around it. With some minor exceptions, I could have waited this strike out for years without getting the shakes for new episodes of "Viva Laughlin" or "Men in Trees". The saddest thought of all is that there's a serious group of people whose lives are so bland and uneventful that any sort of escapism, even sub par network TV escapism, is worthwhile. To those I just want to mention that at any given time there's a 90% chance that rerun of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" on Nick at Nite is better than whatever prime time fare you're watching.

4. 877-393-4448
January 22, 2008

The single search phrase that drives the most people to my blog's humble little corner of the internet is not even a phrase at all; it's "877-393-4448". Aside from youtube links to the clip, as of this post, my "877-393-4448" entry is the very first item you get when you Google the number. I have to begrudgingly admit it, but thus far, it is still probably the best commercial I've seen all year. It has all the elements that make up a quality TV spot: it's memorable, it puts the product at the forefront, it's creative, it creates a positive, happy image of the brand (no small feet considering the amount of misery associated with cable companies, and it was repeated like hell. All of this combined to wear down even the most cynical of TV watcher, an absolute coup for the marketers. The new commercial, on the other hand? Extremely disappointing.

3. You, Me, and Dupre
March 17, 2008

Quirky Pop-Up Factoid!: This article was far and away my most popular article due to it being pick up by some random internet news roll. The exposure of hundreds upon hundreds of new viewers a day made for an interesting week and a half. I could have taken this lesson to heart and only wrote stuff about the latest and juiciest pieces of tabloid fodder that may have attracted more people, however I had to maintain my commitment towards articles about unpopular esoteric pop culture and gratuitous self congratulation. I also must say I've enjoyed the wild three or so months under our kooky legally blind interim governor, David Patterson. Right after taking the job he admitted to pot and cocaine use, plus an extramarital affair, made the state honor out-of-state gay marriages, saved Off-track Betting, and pardoned the Ruler himself Slick Rick. I really hope he decides to go for his own full term.

2. "One Two, One Two Punch, Mac!"
August 9, 2007

I'm not really sure why I like this entry so much. By my usual "Punch Out" standards it's a pretty underwhelming effort. I usually make it up to at least Mr. Sandman before getting completely pwned. I think if you broke it down, it may be my most ambitious single entry. It's probably the longest in terms of writing and all those shots were actual game footage, carefully taken and meticulously cropped and formatted. The whole thing sort of comes off as a documentary (think "King of King" except I play both the hero and the villain and neither are all that good at the video game). The astonishing thing was I don't recall the whole process of writing that entry all that strenuous, which is crazy considering how much of an effort it is for me just to put up a fluff piece that's 75% pictures. I'm just going to have to chalk it all up to some divine, Punch-Out loving, hand; guiding my own to spread the word about the greatest boxing game the NES had to offer.

1. I don't know how to put this but we're kind of a big deal
July 20, 2007

Was there any doubt? There were a lot of fine, interesting posts in the old archives but how many of them detailed the single greatest moment of my life thus far? I don't want to throw out any spoilers but if I ever do a 100 Blogs...100 Typos Strikes Back this will still be number one. It will still be number one until I ever have reason to write another post about how I won more money then I've ever seen in my life by being awesome on national TV...which I doubt will ever happen again. People like to say things like "when I got married" or "when I held my newborn child" or some other sentimental hogwash as the greatest moment of their lives, 9 out of 10 times that's bullshit. Anyone can get married, anyone can pump out a kid. Your moment is more likely some big thing you won, or some beautiful person you fucked, or some sweet revenge you got, or some amazing flawless, day you had. By its nature, the best moment of your life should tend to be something completely selfish and self serving. If you're honest with yourself you'll realize that best moment was when everything you wanted worked out for one brief shinning instant in time. This was mine, and that's why it's the final entry.

VSO's 100 Blogs...100 Typos: 20 - 11

The penultimate edition of the VSO 100 Blogs...100 Typos countdown is upon us. Can you believe it? Eighty entries have been exhumed and desecrated as we now enter the terrible teens. Of course if everything went according to the timetable I laid out in the previous post, the countdown should have had its glorious finale yesterday and this entry would be about Urklebot or me ranking the tracks from "The Nylon Curtain." If you were holding your breath for the past two days based on my promises then you obviously don't know me that well (and you're most likely dead from asphyxiation). One of my defining characteristics is not living up to the promises I make, to myself and to other. This will probably also lead me to become the worst, most disappointing, "Cat's In the Cradle" father ever.

When I'm gonna blog again? I don't know when, but we'll have the blogs out now!:

20. King of the Road?

January 24, 2008

In fulfilling the FCC's yearly quota for public service announcements for pop culture blogs with moderate to light daily readership here are a few tips (derived from my recollection of Law and Order: SVU episodes and random wikipedia entries) for...Determining If Your Child Is A Potential Serial Killer:

Does your child display one or more of the "Macdonald triad" of warning signs?:

• Fire starting, interest in arson.
• Cruelty to animals, involving torturing or killing of larger animals.
• Bed wetting beyond the normal age when they grow out of it.

Are you a prostitute, a physically/psychologically/sexually abusive parent, alcoholic, or any combination of all three?

Does your child have rich fantasy life centered around rape, torture, and murder?

Does your child suffer from feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, arising from humiliation and abuse?

Do your child have the inability to determine right from wrong?

Does your child display lack of sympathy and empathy for others?

Do you suspect that your child is wearing a "mask of sanity" during periods of non-psychotic behavior?

When asked what they would like to be when they grow up have they ever responded, "a person who murders three or more people with an initial 'cooling off' period between each murder and whose motivation for said murders are based mostly on psychological gratification"?

19. Smell the Glove

April 14, 2008

I once read that according some researchers (the kind who don't want to waste their valuable time finding cures for cancer or solving global energy problems) the most powerful female aphrodisiac is baby powder since it subconsciously triggers in their minds that inherent female need to get knocked up and continue the species. On the male side it was cinnamon, for reasons I can't recall (inherent male need to chew Big Red?). For me, the scent I always dig is the smell of sunblock. I'm not a fan of the beach, pools, and most activities that involve long periods of being exposed to sun but I do enjoy chicks in bikinis and that unique sunblock smell that you can't find anywhere else. I'd wear sunblock all the time if I didn't despise using lotions of every sort. If they'd bottled that scent and made a super concentrated cologne to just dab behind the ears I'd get on board. It'd kinda be like Kramer's idea for "The Beach" except without that sea smell.

18. Sometimes a Fantasy...
May 23, 2008

If anyone is still wondering, I still haven't forgiven that bitch! I know that in America one is innocent until proven guilty; but in the kangaroo court that is the court of Victor's opinion, Mariah Carey is still guilty of pissing on my childhood until she or an agent working on her behalf provides me definitive proof that she did not sabotage my outing to Rye Playland in the mid 90s. Failing proof of innocence, I will also accept a heartfelt sorry letter and a DVD of "Glitter" signed by Ms. Carey. Until that time, this blog and I will never endorse any creative output by one Mariah Carey, even all her awesome, mega hit, pop classics from the 90s.

17. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?
July 16, 2007

As of the posting of this entry none of the surviving cast members of the five movies/television series have passed on. This is especially astonishing considering the main cast of the "Golden Girls" is still going strong. They even showed up (sans Estelle Getty) to receive "The Pop Culture Award" at that TVLand Awards (one of the most bizarre and nonsensical award shows ever created). While their tontine will remain unresolved for decades to come, I think the more relevant question would be who will be the first girl to go? Bea Arthur and Betty White are the oldest at 86, Estelle Getty is right behind them at 85, while Rue McClanahan is 74. The safe money would be on Getty since she unfortunately has been in ill health in recent years but she was also in "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!" so we know she's a tough broad. We all know Bea Arthur will, along with Angela Lansbury, be forever 70 and Rue McClanahan has more than a decade on the rest of them. By the process of elimination my vote goes to poor Betty White to be the first to meet St. Olaf.

16. The Victor Abroad, Part I, 6/12: Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
July 6, 2007

Before the VSO 100 Blogs...100 Typos, my Costa Rican Travelogue was suppose to be my big ten part anthology. Unfortunately due to getting caught up in the hoopla of the airing of the "World Series of Pop Culture", this series suffered an "Emily's Reasons Why Not"-like brief run. To my defense I did mention that sudden cancellation would be one of the things to possibly look out for when the series started. I regret not getting at least an entry or two into the project since I did write out a fairly extensive amount of observations and insights in my journal while traveling. I could restart it now but it will be even more fictitious and unreliable than a year ago. Perhaps that may actually end up making my travel story even better.

15. Victor's One Time Special March Legal Madness Acceptance Pool!!
March 9, 2007

One shout out for an abruptly canceled series deserves another. While this series and the series above were both technically failures, there is still much credit to be given (by myself to myself) for ambitiousness. There's really nothing more I can say about the VOTSMLMAP that hasn't been said in the three previous ranked entries (#67, #66, and #65). My parting insight on law school is that, regardless of if you really want to be a lawyer or not, the experience of law school will uniformly suck.

14. The "quarterlife" Experiment
February 28, 2008

I remember the words just effortlessly flowing out of my mind, down my arms and my fingers perfectly syncing them to the keyboard, making reality both my unexpected rage and satisfaction to be forever immortalized in the aether and broadcast to the world. Waxing poetic aside, "quarterlife" was SHIT! Like I wrote in the entry, I and everyone that was in the "quarterlife" of their lives was or should have been offended by this minstrel show of supposed mid-twenties, post collegiate life. It was a relieving example of the system working when the show immediately got axed after episode one (a la "Emily's Reasons Why Not" and my Costa Rican Travelogue). I should feel similarly disgusted with "Young American Bodies" which is essentially the same series, but I give it some slack since it's actually made by people of my generation and it's really just a forum to show sex and nudity (which redeems any flawed work of art in my book).

13. We've got the team work to make the dream WORK!
May 9, 2007

With the current turmoil and under performance of the Mets, it seems less and less likely that there will be another World Series run like '86 in the cards this year. A lot has been said and written about the the failure of the Mets after 1986 to live up to their potential and become a dynasty. I agree it was a great disappointment for the Mets to have never won another title and an even greater disappointment for two Hall of Fame caliber talents like Doc Gooden and Daryl Strawberry to have had their careers wrecked by off the field troubles. However, a part of me still wonders if they had won another three or four championships, would they have been as memorable? Dynasties are well and good, but with a few exceptions many are boring and forgettable. I recall being consistently bored by the Yankees' late 90s string of World Series victories. When people recall the most memorable Super Bowl, they'll more often recall the Jets' lone victory in SB III than any of the Dallas Cowboys' five. The same can go for any of the Spurs 4 titles. So while it is sad that the 80's Mets turned out to be a one hit wonder, in the end perhaps it made that championship all the more special (although they really should have made it past the Dodgers in '88).

12. Victor's Ten Random Thoughts on Tecmo Super Bowl
February 8, 2007

No top ten list of the greatest games ever made for the NES (possibly for video games consoles) should not include Tecmo Super Bowl. When I hear a Beatles song I can kind of understand that while it seems a little simple by modern standards it still holds up and it must have been mind blowingly original when it originally came out. This is the same way I feel about Tecmo Super Bowl, it's obviously completely outflanked ten times over by the the modern incarnations of Madden, yet it still has all the essential elements of the modern games (licensed teams, players, statistics, injuries) and other football games of its day when compared to Tecmo were literally generic pixels moving across a green background. It dominated like Bo Jackson against the Patriots.

11. In the white room...
March 7, 2008

I don't know what the "I Love the New Millenium" trainwreck on VH1 will do for memorable music videos to look back and snark about. As ridiculous and dated the 80s and 90s were in terms of music videos, at least they had an original vision, an earnest ambition to take the medium in a specific direction. By the 2000's everybody gradually stopped watching videos and pop culture in a large part started to become this faceless, postmodern, rehash, reinterpretation of past trends and nostalgia (kind of like this countdown). Eight years into the 00's and I can't think of any videos that captures and defines the "2000's" like all the white room views captured the late 80s, early 90s. I refuse to accept Fall Out Boy as the definitive music video artists of this decade.

VSO's 100 Blogs...100 Typos: 30 - 21

Witness now, the last waning days of the VSO 100 Blogs...100 Typos countdown. Seventy golden entries have come and gone as we enthusiastically enter the roaring 20's. If all goes according to plan (which it probably won't), I will probably post another tomorrow and then I'll be wrapping up the final top ten by Monday night. I'm just giving everyone a heads up so they can coordinate their personal celebration plans or are planning to attend one of the numerous satellite parties that will simultaneously be thrown all across the country (including some of the more civilized parts of Canada as well). Or I could just get lazy and tease this whole mess out another two weeks.

Whatever the case may be, today's blogs await!:

30. Everybody in the Pool: Razzie Edition
February 22, 2008

As wide open and unpredictable the Oscar field was, the Razzie field was a forgone conclusion. The thing about the Razzies is that while their goal is call out the worst movies of the past year; their definition for what constitutes a bad movie is a bit different. While they'll judge a movie's poorness based on obvious things like script, acting, production, etc; the Razzie winners that really "succeed" are the high profile flops. Movies like "Showgirls", "Battlefield Earth", "Gigli", and this year's big winner "I Know Who Killed Me" are technically competently made pictures by major studios with trained actors and real directors. There are always way worse made stuff out there (if it was really up to me "Daddy Day Camp" should have swept) but they don't have nearly as high a reputation to begin with. In a way, the Razzies are based on potential and how much a film fails to live up to that. A celebration of failure, how postmodern.

29. And school's out early and soon we'll be learning and the lesson today is how to die...
July 30, 2007

It's been almost a year and I have yet to experience such a perfect storm of celebrity passings since that wild day in late July. I can't even remember when two celebrities of even Tom Snyder's stature passed on the same day (I know I shouldn't still be picking on Snyder but that's what you get when you're sandwiched with a Hall of Fame Football coach and one of the greatest directors in cinema). Although if you count R. Kelly's child porn case acquittal as the death of the credibility of the American legal system along with the passing of political journalist Tim Russert then I guess that's close enough. Burn.

28. Remember Kids...

December 11, 2007

Remember kids, despite the many advances in recent years in the overall design and energy efficiency of commercial clothes driers, it is still just as dangerous (perhaps even more dangerous with the increased need for faster, hotter dryers) to take in a cycle at the local laundromat. There are many other fun and safe activities you can have at the local washateria including:

• Watching fuzzy reception non-cable programming on the waiting area television.
• Watching people transfer their clothes from the washers to the dryers.
• Getting change for a dollar.
  
• Reading years old issues of Redbook and Better Homes and Gardens.
  
• Searching the floor for any loose change or lost buttons to collect.
• Collecting used fabric softener sheets to make a scarf.
  
• Predicting which brand of detergent from the vending machine will be the most popular.
• And of course, doing your own laundry
  

27. Hey Man That's Not A Prediction It's a Fact of Life

December 29, 2007

I assure you, even before the benefit of hindsight, I felt that if the Giants and Patriots, somehow, despite all odds, met again in the Super Bowl; the Giants had a more than decent chance of winning or at the very least keep it close. Of course I laughed off this ridiculous scenario since I was almost positive that the G-Men would have one of their yearly first round bounces from the playoffs. Who knew that when I left that stadium that chilly night in December that the Giants would real off the most unexpected playoff hot streak of all time? I still can't believe it and I just can't wait until a more legitimate team (perhaps my Buffalo Bills?) comes along and pushes this fluke into the back pages of the past where it belongs.

26. Boo! Five Things that idiosyncratically scared the crap out of me when I was little...and still kinda creep me out today
October 31, 2007

Quirky Pop-Up Factoid!: This is the longest titled post I have written thus far. Also, for some reason the pictures don't come up anymore of the post; which is kind of important since it's all about things I saw that scared me. I would go and fix it but, you know. The five items listed in that post did seem to indicate one thing: gigantic or malformed heads or facial features are the key to scaring/creeping me out. I think that's a pretty good formula for scaring anybody, especially children. I don't know why Stephen King bothers spending months upon months crafting nightmarish visions with the written word when he could get the same (or a possibly better) effect by just publishing a coffee table book of freaky head drawings.

25. An Open Letter to the Apple Marketing Department
September 26, 2007

Since my first love (well, more like first compromised career choice) was advertising I always enjoy any opportunity to give my two cents on the noble art of advertising. I will forever associate the start of law school with this commercial and its song. That intense period of overexposure from August to around October of last year has now forever burned Feist's single into my brain. Whether I end up in a life that's a million miles away from my current law school education or if I become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, any memory of that first formidable year of school will be soundtracked by the first 30 seconds of that tune. And for that I will never forgive Apple, Feist, and anyone else associated with the commercial.

24. Prisoner 57
April 24, 2008

I didn't notice until writing this post that Wesley Snipes is basically the Great Black Hope when it comes to action movie stars. No other African American actor comes close to his prolific output and success in the genre. I will never view Denzel Washington as a bone fide "action hero" in the traditional sense. He's far too distinguished, cerebral, and Hollywood to make a true knock down, drag out, uncomplicated, shoot the bad guys style movie. The same goes to Will Smith. Just one look at his last six movies (five of them straight to DVD releases) shows that Snipes is truly dedicated to keeping alive the burning torch of the no-nonsense, old school, pop corn action flick, as a black man. Due to his pioneering work, an entire generation of aspiring black actors are now no longer limited to just playing Oscar worthy classy, intelligent roles or Tylor Perry comedic parts; they can kick some ass too!

23. Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)
January 14, 2008

The window of opportunity is still wide open for those with the inspiration and perspiration to solve the world's ketchup problems. So far none of the suggestions, aside from the out of the box idea of selling just the pre-ketchup itself as a boutique item, have proven to be effective. Oh and those upside down bottles totally don't work. I have one of those gimmicks right now in my fridge and I can guarantee you that once you flip open the cap and squeeze you're gonna get some drippage. I don't know why NASA's not all over this, wouldn't pre-ketchup be an unacceptable nuisance in a zero gravity environment? What we need is another Cold War and Space Race to get the gears of American ingenuity turning again.

22. Anal Bum Cover
January 27, 2008

Like I said before, I was never one for memes but I had a lot of fun goofing around with this one. If you ever find yourself with a computer connected to the internet and you want to waste a solid hour of your time, then this is for you. I'm also convinced the album art design industry is a total racket. Even following this random and generic approach, you'll get something that's halfway decent and comparable to just about anything you'll find on the store racks today. Of course that's assuming people even buy music anymore. If the RIAA wants people to return to buying actual CDs they should make it so all CDs are sold in LP sized sleeves. Half the reason records are still so cool despite their complete obsolescence is the fact that not only are you getting music, you're also getting a sizable work of art in the sleeve. Now, that's something you can't just buy by clicking on the iTunes music store.

21. Sex Over the Phone!
May 27, 2008

It's the last entry I wrote before embarking on my 100 Blog odyssey. So I guess this shows that even after all these entries I am still cranking out quality, high ranking blog posts (which are judged by myself and arranged into my own subjective rankings). For my favorite Village Person, I'm going to have to go with the Biker. He maintained a pretty steady presence throughout the band's existence and didn't need to resort to gimmicky changes in his costume. He was a Biker at the YMCA, he was a Biker on the Navy Ship, he was a Biker in the 80s. Plus the guy had a beard that would have given Baron Davis' a run for its money. Quirky Pop-Up Factoid!: Victor Willis, the original lead singer and Policeman was briefly married to Phylicia Rashad (a.k.a. Clair Huxtable) in the late 70s.

VSO's 100 Blogs...100 Typos: 40 - 31

The VSO 100 Blogs...100 Typos countdown is now in full downhill mode. Somehow, we've managed to get through sixty Victastic entries as we make our way through the dirty 30s. It's a sad thought for me to bring up right now, but after this entry there will only be a mere three of these countdown entries left to go. It's true what they say, time really does fly when you're leisurely posting recollections of your past work in denominations of ten. I myself at the beginning of all this figured I would get to around to 50 tops before I crapped out, abruptly stopped writing these entries, and made no further reference to their existence. So, at this point every entry since the last is just delicious gravy on my hard earned mashed potatoes.

Now, without further ado, let's roll out the blogs!:

40. Just Leave Me Alone...

August 20, 2007

Recently I've really started to dig fellow "Bad" single, "Dirty Diana." It is second only to the totally forgettable hit duet with Siedah Garrett "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" (also off "Bad") in terms of MJ number one hits that you just don't hear anywhere anymore. It's a shame really, cause it's definitely worthwhile just based on the fact that its his most consistently "rocking" single ("Beat It" had plenty rock but it was sort of relegated to the Eddie Van Halen solo part). I think the real reason "Dirty Diana" got relegated to the second tier was because of its lackluster music video. In contrast to the ambitious and pioneering videography of the greatest showman of the music video age, the "Dirty Diana" video is just a lazy and unoriginal, stylized concert footage laden, affair that looks like something a second rate hair metal band would have put out.

39. Imagine if you will
January 1, 2008

Wow, the very first entry of the year. Does anyone else feel like 2008 has just blazed through thus far? We're already heading on into mid-June, half the year's already over with! It's definitely one of the fastest feeling years thus far in recent memory. I made a whole bunch of half hearted, generic New Years resolutions (see #82) and included on the list was a good faith effort to try to pump out more updates. Six months in, I've been fairly faithful to that self directed promise. As for the regular exercise, increased commitment to studying, guitar practice, and reading more...well, we still have a whole half year to go!

38. This Time It's War!

July 10, 2007

Around this time last year, I was sweating it up on the beaches of Costa Rica (as opposed to sweating it up on the parkways of Queens) and no doubt all you loyal VH1 watchers were being inundated with "World Series of Pop Culture" promos. One of the hardest things for someone like me with a healthy amount of self esteem (i.e. arrogant jerkiness) was holding back my desire to tell everyone about how we won before the episodes aired. Being out of the country and surrounded by tv-unfriendly hippie backpackers from Europe helped, but even when I was back for the airings in July, it was difficult to bite my tongue and feign suspense. While it currently appears that VH1 has eschewed the WSOPC for more celebreality and "I Love the 00's...thus far" I'll always have the fond memories, fun experiences, and the money (most importantly the money).

37. Submitted For Your Approval
December 31, 2007

I guess the first part of my two part series of "Twilight Zone" episodes to look out for during the marathon ranks a little higher based purely on the quality of the episodes mentioned. That five hour block I wrote out had at least 2 of my personal top 10 episodes listed ("The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street" and "Five Characters in Search of an Exit"). I've considered buying the 28 DVD Definitive Collection but there's something lacking about just popping in a DVD as opposed to watching it on TV. While the DVD provides remastered video, the ability to skip around, no commercials, and essentially every possible advantage over TV; you still lose the randomness and surprise you get from just catching an episode on the air. Of course it's not to say I wouldn't accept a it as a gift from a generous reader.

36. My Love Can Only Be Expressed Through the Power Ballad
February 13, 2007

Looking at my all time iTunes playlist, somehow "Goodbye to Love" is against all odds still my most played song. Every time I randomly shuffle across it, I just have to hear it all the way from the melancholy intro to the climatic guitar outro. This difficulty in skipping over seems to be endemic to a good number of Carpenter songs that come my way. The amazing voice complemented by compositions of some of the greatest mainstream pop minds of the 70s is just the surface appeal. There is a profound sadness in her loveless pop ballads that, just based on her life story and tragic death, comes across as absolutely genuine; and in turn endlessly listenable and fascinating. Maybe one day Richard Carpenter will ease off and allow that Todd Haynes short film to be shown again.

35. Yes, Always!
April 2, 2008

As the one commenter pointed out, no discussion of a cartoon portrayal of the famous "Frozen Peas" clip by Orson Wells is complete without a reference to "The Critic's" take on the noted incident. Not surprisingly both impersonations of Wells were done by superstar voice actor Maurice LaMarche who seems to have complete monopoly on all Orson Wells voice overs in every form of media. The throwaway reference by "The Critic", a decidedly adult themed prime time cartoon, was too esoteric for its audience as it was. This makes the decision by the makers of Animaniacs to devote an entire episode segment to it, an all the more baffling and amazing act on their part. Man, I miss my old cartoons.

34. My heart healthy meaning of Christmas
December 26, 2007

At this point I'd like to point out that there are only roughly 150 or so shopping days until Christmas so all eager gift giving readers should prepare promptly. You can reference my birthday wish list for any guidance on what to purchase. One does not need be a practicing member of the Christian faith to participate as I am willing to accept your gift as a strictly secular gratuity. I will also accept cashiers checks, Diner's Club cards, gold doubloons, pieces of eight, and bags of money with dollar signs on them. Any interesting offers of physical favors may be accepted but will be open to strict overview and discrimination (obviously not the racial kind) on my part.

33. Five Random 4th of July TV Marathons That Have Very Little to Do With The 4th of July
July 4, 2007

Here are five bold predictions for this year's crop of unrelated cable marathon fare:

1. AMC will run a 24 hour marathon cycle of the Godfather Trilogy. In recent years this has apparently become their traditional scheduling for 4th of Julys, Christmases, Martin Luthor King Jr. Days, and even numbered days of the year.
2. Spike TV will run a marathon of James Bond movies, which will confusingly contrast with the pro American theme of the holiday.
3. A massive scheduling blunder on the part of TBS will lead to the beginning of a sudden 24 hour marathon of "A Christmas Story". They will quickly fix the damage and run the less popular 24 hours of "A Summer Story."
4. FX will run through a cycle of their more patriotic themed movies. Most of them will involve either the President's life being threatened (Air Force One) the American landmarks being destroyed (Independence Day) or both (Sum of All Fears).
5. USA Network will run a day long marathon of "Law and Order: SVU," millions of people will be unable to work. I will be disappointed at the fact that the channel once again lost a golden opportunity to run a "Silk Stalkings" marathon.

32. The Junoverse and You
February 17, 2008

I've seen Juno a few more times here and there since I wrote that review and with each viewing I grow to hate the titular character more and more. The movie itself overall is fine and all the supporting characters are great (I especially find Olivia Thrilby's performance as Juno's best friend Leah to be quite underrated) but I just can't stand Juno's perpetual sass. Granted, I'm a bit of (ok a lot of) a misogynist and I'm not really a fan of strong female characters in film, but aside from her irritating independent streak, the way she talks and acts just screams ingenuousness. Not really sure what all the buzz and accolades were about, the character seems just down right cartoonish. You can give the character merits on originality but please spare me the praise for how outstandingly realistic or relatable the character was. Honest to blog.

31. Everybody in the Pool: Oscar Edition
February 23, 2008

The 80th Annual Academy Awards was definitely the most I ever got into a particular Oscar season. It was just an unusually original and unpredictable slate of movies films that in almost any other year would have either been ignored or had no chance of winning any major awards. The fates aligned to a bunch of those quirky movies go up against each other instead of some typical, conservative Oscar favorite. Atonement was as close as this year's Oscars got to a "safe" choice but in the end it was just not good enough. A brilliantly strange movie like "No Country For Old Men" could only win best picture when in a pool that contained even crazier fare like "There Will Be Blood" (the only movie I know that has its own title font).