Monday, March 17, 2008

You, Me, and Dupre

David Patterson was sworn in as governor of New York today. I wonder down the line if he turns out to be soft on crime, education, or the environment, etc., will some paper be ballsy enough to end up saying "the governor has turned a blind eye" to those subjects? I'm looking in your direction, A.M. New York.

Today also marks, I'm assuming, the worst week in the life of Eliot Spitzer. If this whole affair was a poorly written 80s comedy he probably would have, after the inauguration, been hit in the the groin by a wayward baseball, then fallen in the mud, and then Rodney Dangerfield would start to dance. However, I guess our public schadenfreude will be satisfied by his highly publicized humiliation, the disgraceful loss of everything he has worked for in his professional life, the irreparable damage to his personal life, and the possibility of jail time or criminal penalties.

What would make a man with so much to lose risk it all on such a foolish activity? I think Fred Durst said it best and most succinctly: "Hey, what the hell, what you want me to say? I won't lie, that I can't deny I did it all for the Nookie!"

He's a dude! That's all you need to know! We're not made of stone. Everything else we think and do is a second job to thinking about sex. It's hard wired within us to stick it to something whether it be female, male, animal, vegetable, or mineral. You know who's buying all the porn? Men. You know who's buying all the male porn? Gay men. If they invented cheap, reliable, sex robots, the human race as we know it would be extinct in 50 years. It's be "Children of Men" except everyone would be too busy boning their love machine to shoot at Clive Owen.

Just look at the long, sordid history of political sex scandals for all branches of government; it's inevitable. Even the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the free world, with all the attention, all the history, all the importance, would gladly throw it all into jeopardy by being a chubby chaser. The scandal ridden modern Catholic Church has proven that a man would walk over God himself to get some action. That is how powerful this force within us is.

So I have nothing to say to Mr. Spitzer about his fickle pickle. My only real beef is the suspected money laundering he did to get the money for these little trips. For a man who's built his whole career on cracking down on white collar crime and corruption it's a fairly disgusting display of hypocrisy. You should have just set aside your dough in a some discrete rainy day petty cash sex jar like the rest of us. Or not paid such an egregious amount of roughly $5,000 for an hour of sex with Ms. Ashley Alexandra Dupre. I checked out those pictures from the Post (who switches roles with the New York Times when it comes to quality and thoroughness of scandal reporting), there's nothing special there. I don't know if she had a sparkling personality, mad bedroom skillz, or a second vagina, but I wouldn't have paid those rates let alone risked my entire reputation on it. I'm a value shopper, just cause I've got the money doesn't mean I need to recklessly spend it.

With that said here are five cinematic bawdy women of the night that I would be willing to put up both my funds and public reputation to bed (and no, I won't participate in the auction for 12 year old Brooke Shields' virginity in Pretty Baby):

Julia Roberts - Pretty Woman
This is obviously a no-brainer. The all time greatest hooker with a heart of gold. The looks, the wit, the irresistible charm, it's all so perfectly arraigned. Some might say she's a little horse faced but I think she's still quite a "pretty woman." Although my problem was that she was so nice that I never really believed she was this low class hooker. You can throw some stilettos and hot pants on Julia Roberts but you can't make her look sleazy. She's a little to much like someone I'd marry than anonymously screw, I would have liked it a little sleazier, but still worth it.

Dolly Parton - The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Worst porno ever! Despite the disappointing lack of nudity and the excessive singing, what can I say? I love Dolly! It's not even the breast thing, which I guess is a plus, but I really couldn't care less about. I don't know if it's in the sweet voice or "ah shucks" attitude, but there's this well meaning earnestness about Dolly Parton that I find completely unique to her. That's an inner earnestness cause she on the outside looks fake as hell, like a walking Grand Ole Opry Barbie doll. But, hey, that's cool too; even in recent photos she looks exactly the same. Nice.

Shelley Long - Night Shift
They really don't make movies as high concept that this anymore. City Morgue night shift workers Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler decide to help out, hooker with a heart of gold Shelley Long, by turning the morgue into a call girl service. I thought Shelley Long was throughly cute and funny and totally likable in this completely underrated 80s comedy. Shelley brought that kind of poor man's Goldie Hawn but still sort of unique style in almost all her roles whether it was Cheers (she was totally better than Kristie Alley), the "Brady" movies, and yes even "Frozen Assets".

Nancy Allen - Dressed to Kill
It's interesting that to me Nancy Allen has only two notable roles and both are completely the opposite of each other: the sexy, seductive, call girl in "Dressed to Kill" and the totally un-sexy, gun toting, partner in the "Robocop" films. She really didn't look all that hot (although judged by the standards of the 80s she was crazy hot) to be this high brow call girl, but again she had personality and that goes a long way. She was smart and daring as she totally did all the dangerous heavy lifting catching the murderer while her nerdy parnter kept bossing her around. Also that scene towards the end where she's trying to seduce Michael Caine? Hawt!

Three Breasted Prostitute - Total Recall
She doesn't even have a name and was played by nobody famous, but we all know the legendary three breasted prostitute that propositions Arnold when he comes to Mars. Now I said before I wasn't a breast man, but that's size; it's a different story with quantity! My mind was completely blown when she whipped those puppies out (one of the roughly dozen times my mind got blown the first time watching this movie). I'm sure it's some twisted mockery of male Freudian sexual fixations, but man oh man what I wouldn't give to get some of that sweet action!

1 comment:

  1. And then Spitzer finds out that the penny he gave to Giuliani was worth millions. And then he loses his FCC license.