Notes From The Library 2: Caffeine

I completed (i.e. probably failed) the first of my four big finals on Monday as the Victor finals fortnight of horrors rolls on. If hell's anything like the depiction in "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" (the modern day equivalent of Dante's "Inferno"), where you're doomed to spend all of eternity in a twisted, perverse, nightmare version of the worst moments in your life: mine would be right here, right now. I would forever be stuck on the overheated 2nd floor study area, chained to my cramped shoddy wood panel study cubicle, buried under a mountain of senseless highlighted notes, studying for a final that will never come. Hitler will probably in the adjoining desk constantly coughing and typing loudly, while Judas will be on the other end slurping French onion soup. Bogus indeed.

One of the few things that keep me going through this extended exercise in academic futility is America's favorite drug caffeine; and judging by the overflowing trash cans full of Starbucks cups and empty energy drink cans, apparently I'm not the only one who enjoys riding the fidgety dragon.

How can one not resist the charms of sweet lady C? On paper it'll give you quick energy, increase concentration, focus, and stamina, everything you could possibly ask for in a legal performance enhancer. However, when applied in real life it's far from an academic panacea. All I see in a room full of mostly anxious, spazzes, tweaking, and making frequent trips to the bathroom. In the end that grande or can of Red Bull isn't going to work any miracles (now methamphetamines and illegally obtained prescription drugs on the other hand...different story).

However it's not to say caffeine doesn't have a place in this whole studying experience. Like I said, it's a big part of my studying day. It'll only disappoint if you overestimate it. The energetic effects are brief, it'll probably leave you feeling more tired by the end, and when you're perked up you're probably more anxious than focused. In my case, however, it does its job of keeping my eyes open. It's as simple as that. When I crack open these notes or an outline, or textbook it's like a handkerchief full of chloroform. I can barely go a page, regardless of my current level of fatigue, without my brain giving up and going into standby mode. It's so cliched, like something out of a silent movie, but it's true. To prospect of a period of studying knocks me out. So to keep me going I have get enough juice in me for my eyes to physically be unable to close. It's sort of like "A Clockwork Orange" when they try to brainwash Alec and they force his eyes open with a restraint...only chemically.

I have to admit though, this requires a lot of caffeine to pull off; and considering how quickly one develops a tolerance for the stuff, a steadily increasing supply. Now this could get quite expensive and taxing, drinking my weight in Starbucks coffee or pricey energy drinks, all of which I'm not the biggest fans of in terms of taste. That's why the only way to fly is the always convenient caffeine pill.

Of course for anyone around my age, when I just mentioned the word "caffeine pill" only one scene immediately came to mind:

That's right, the singular defining moment of our generation; our moon landing/Kennedy assassination/Challenger disaster combined: the Jessie Spano Freakout! I know how can I resort to the dangers of the pill after having such a powerful scene like that burned into my childhood? How can anyone?

I admit at first there was a bit of a stigma when I reached for that pack of generic "Stay Awake" tablets at the corner drug store, I could hear in the back of my mind the frenzied, terrified, screams of "I'm so excited, I'm so...scared!", but I summoned enough personal strength to break that fabled last taboo. That and I wasn't going to pay out the ass for gallons of weak ass brews when I could have gotten the equivalent of 32 cups of coffee for two bucks! And you know what? Popping a pill or two is a lot easier than chugging and running back and forth from the urinal. SO FUCK OFF JESSIE SPANO, YOU WHINY ASS FEMINAZI!!

I'll work every angle possible, (outside of actually buckling down and studying hard) to get through this rough patch. And, Jessie, if you were really dedicated to success you would have kept on those pills, not blown that audition, aced those midterms, gotten into Stansbury, and Slater wouldn't have dumped you before starting the "College Years."

Notes From The Library 1: Rewards

Yesterday was the end of classes for my first year of law school. For the first time ever I was miserable on a final day of school. For my entire academic life the end of school usually was a time of celebration, the whole Alice-Cooper-School's-Out thing. However, in the twisted world of legal education the end of a semester only means the start of the worst two or so weeks of your life. In that span of roughly a fortnight, when you're not taking a high pressure, multi hour examination where your entire semester's work, your overall school rank, and your prospects for future success all hang in the balance; you're force cramming your head with a semester's worth of legal knowledge.

It all adds up to a funky situation.

As a life long slacker and perpetual underachiever this is all brand new, frankly disturbing territory for me. My setup is further burdened by the fact that I haven't really been all that diligent during the school year (OMG!). So for someone who's coasted along the waves of academia all these years (I mean my major at undergrad was Communications for crying out loud) and viewed the practice of "studying" for a test beforehand to be quite optional (and possibly even a bit like cheating); reviewing (translation: relearning) the entire semester's material by actually sitting down and "studying" is quite a herculean undertaking on my part.

According to people I've asked who "study" and the myriad of unqualified guides on the internet, one method to enhance the act of "studying" is to set a reward for yourself to keep you motivated and focused on the task at hand. Something like a snack/treat or internet use, or watching TV at the end of a set goal of X period of studying or X amount of reading, etc is usually the suggested motivations. I guess if it was good enough for Pavlov's dogs and those cartoons where a horse has a carrot in front of him, then it was good enough for me.

After setting up the prize of delicious Slim Jim in exchange for an hour of uninterrupted review of my Property notes, though, I realized for me this was bullshit.

I couldn't stop thinking about the lure of beefy, spicy, excitement! Every few minutes I found myself looking at the clock to see if the hour had come for me to snap into one. I'd be reading up on landlord-tenant rights and then suddenly...SLIM JIM. I found myself deliberately slowing down, delaying my reading, eating up clock time like it was the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl and I had the possession and lead. The fact that I knew that at any time I could have just gone and gotten the Slim Jim without any penalties also certainly didn't help. It's not like I had to earn it from anyone but myself. So in the end, how could I possibly concentrate on studying or even make a rational attempt at learning when I knew that I could be not studying and enjoying a Slim Jim. I felt like that dog the Bud Light commercial:

So maybe there are people who can actually deceive their own minds into thinking they're actually rewarding themselves. I both envy and pity them at the same time. For me, however, rewards are crap. In fact, the complete opposite, no possibility of reward whatsoever, would be a better motivator. At least when you have absolutely nothing better to do, you don't mind the task you're currently doing as much.

Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like my whole reasoning for going to law school.

So I might as well begin to put some action in my life.

On Monday afternoon I submitted my Contracts final and thus at last crossed the finish line on my two week law school finals odyssey. The sweetest feeling in the world is that first minute after you're done with finals and you know that at that time you are the farthest away time wise from the next final. As for how I actually did on these finals? Well...let me say that after every furious three hour race of information regurgitation all I could think about afterwards while signing out was that scene from "Billy Madison".

For now I'm just putting all that testing misery behind me and enjoying these oh so precious few weeks of blissful ignorance between the end of the semester and when the grades start to come back. I'm back at home which is two toll bridges and a perpetually gridlocked Cross Bronx Expressway away from silent horrors of the law school library. However, as I sit here delightfully letting my brain atrophy and forgeting everything I've learned this past semester I have to recognize those that helped me get through all that final two week hurdle.

Twelve hour days planted in a claustrophobic study cubical staring at your computer, trying to decipher what the hell you were writing about in your class notes; all the while surrounded by your peers who you're in cutthroat competition with, most of whom are in full hyper caffeinated Jessie Spano freak out mode is no way to spend a fortnight. During those depressing days spent trying to cram information in my brain in the off chance that something may stick and trying to keep procrastination to about half the day, I found that two things always without fail managed to cheer me up at least a little bit. One was the irresistible horns of Chuck Mangione's immortal hit "Feel So Good" which really in general can cheer up any person not named Morrissey. The second and far more idiosyncratic piece of personal comfort was the classic 1980 video for Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law".

The music alone is enough to get one pretty psyched up; that killer guitar riff, Rob Halford's powerful shrieking, the anthemic chorus, the police sirens towards the end! It's a pure metal classic. However, in addition to the song you get this completely ridiculous but still perfectly metal video that's probably the equivalent of Citizen Kane relative to most other metal videos released in 1980 (considering the fact that its not entirely made of up sweaty concert footage already puts it light years ahead of about 95% of the bands of the era).

The set up is simple: Judas Priest robs a bank (thus accomplishing the titular action of "breaking the law") using the power of their music and overall metalness but there's just so many scenes and questions packed into its short 2 and a half minute run time that infinitely amused me.

• The rest of the band is waiting inconspicuously outside of the bank for Halford to arrive, but do they realize they're dressed quite conspicuously like pilgrims?
  
• Why is Halford on the other hand dressed like he's a member of the Jam in his tight black suit and is driven in on a car with apparently no driver? (I would have totally gone as him on WSOPC if only the reference wasn't so needlessly esoteric)
  
• Where did that drummer come from and how did he get that whole set in?
• While it looks like their music is so loud and powerful to the point where it incapacitates everyone at the bank, it can also be construed as their music being so awful that it incapacitates everyone at the bank. Also, every rock video should have a scene where a guitars are used like weapons.
• Apparently Rob Halford has the strength of ten men.
  
• The second most baffling question aside from who's driving the car: Why are they stealing their own gold records?
• Worst security guard ever. Not only is he absolutely inept at preventing the robbery, his air guitar skills are down right horrendous. I think if it weren't for that inexplicably placed cardboard guitar next to him the viewer would think he was just having a seizure.
• Although the timing is off by about three years, doesn't that London cityscape look oddly similar to the one in Dio's "Rainbow in the Dark". Could you just imagine life in swinging London around the early 80s with Judas Priest robbing banks and Ronnie James Dio screaming at you from the rooftops?
  

You know I didn't even realize until right now the obvious, apt connection between the title and the fact that I was in law school. Yeah, I'm pretty confident in those law school grades.

The Hottest V.O.T.S.M.L.M.A.P Updates Yet!

We're on our way to reaching critical mass as we reach the the three quarters point with our next five letters. Now that all those far-fetched reach schools are out of the day we can get into that oh so juicy middle to safety school range of the curve, where V.O.T.S.M.L.M.A.P's are won and lost. Let's see if your lack of faith in me has paid off:

Harvard Law School +5

Number of supposed applicants: "...approximately 7,000 candidates are applying to an entering class that is limited to 550 students."

Rejection Phrase: "I am sorry to report that, after full consideration, the Admissions Committee has denied your application for admission..."

Well Wish: "...and best wishes for your education and career plans."

The last of the elites to fall; no shocker here. Those snobs up in Cambridge sure took their time, at least all the other top tier law schools were prompt. I thought maybe they'd do something crazy to show off to the other Ivies to say "hey, we're Harvard we don't need to accept nothing but qualified students.

George Washington University Law School +4

Number of Supposed Applicants: "Each year we receive thousands of applications for the limited number of seats in our program."

Rejection Phrase: "Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you admission to our fall 2007 entering class."

Well Wish: "We appreciate your patience throughout our admissions process and thank you for your interest in our law school."

I appreciate that they appreciate my patience too. I didn't really have any great desire to go here, a strictly rankings based application. I also find schools named after presidents, no matter how reputable the institution, sound like high schools.

Fordham School of Law +4

Number of Supposed Applicants: "This year the Admissions Committee finds itself faced with the hard fact that it has many more qualified applicants than it has places in the class."

Rejection Phrase: "...and has concluded with regret that it cannot offer you admission to the School of Law."

Well Wish: "On behalf of Fordham Law School I wish you the very best in all your future endeavors."

I've got to admit, this one hurt a little. Fordham was one of the handful of schools I actually wanted to get into and had a chance of getting in. It's going to be even harder for applicants next year since by the time I got my rejection letter they went up 7 spots in the new US News rankings into the top 25. Do I sense a correlation?

Boston College Law School +4

Number of supposed applicants: "Also, we are constrained by the limited number of seats in the first year class for which we expect to receive nearly 7,000 applications."

Rejection Phrase: "I am sorry to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has denied your application for admission..."

Well Wish: "I wish you the best in your pursuit of a legal education and regret our decision could not have been a favorable one for you."

BC was purely a ranking choice and all things considered might have been the college I cared the least about getting into. My feelings about the letter almost bordered on relief, almost. I really didn't want to go to any school in Boston, unless Harvard had an extreme lapse in judgment.

University of Connecticut School of Law +3

Number of Supposed Applicants: "The admissions Committee faced the daunting task of selecting the incoming class from a large and competitive applicant pool."

Rejection Phrase: "I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the class entering in the fall of 2007."

Well Wish: "...and than you for permitting us to consider your application."

No well wish, what's that about? You'll never move out of the low fringes of the top 50 with that attitude, U. Conn. It's kind of a surprising rejection since I felt pretty confident about getting in, mainly because they sent me a free application (which was the only reason I applied there in the first place). Nothing gained, nothing lost (except my confidence in getting into better schools).

Well it's been a surprising and varied list of rejection letters this time around. What have I learned thus far? I've learned that getting into law schools pretty tough and my unique brand of charisma and sexuality doesn't translate well into the personal statement format. While I don't want to break up a good streak, perhaps another acceptance letter or two might show up one of these days? Anything is possible as we make our way into the exciting bottom of the curve (and a few wait lists here and there)! See you all at the final verdict. Victor Out!

Even Hotter V.O.T.S.M.L.M.A.P. Updates!

Well another batch of letters and another long awaited update of the V.O.T.S.M.L.N.A.P. is upon us. With this new batch of five I'm officially halfway through the long journey towards securing another three years of not working. So without any Dancing With the Stars-esque fanfare and filler let's get on with the countdown:

Yale Law School +5

Number of supposed applicants: "This year the Law School received over 3,300 applications for an entering class of 185."

Rejection Phrase: "We regret that we are unable to offer you admission for the fall of 2007."

Well Wish: "...and extend to you our best wishes for the future."

Number one law school in the country, well it's a relief to know that potential bracket buster's off the table, eh? High marks for their stationary, a fine grade paper befitting their lofty ranking.

Cornell Law School +4

Number of Supposed Applicants: "We received a very large number of strong applications for the 190 seats in out first-year class."

Rejection Phrase: "I am sorry to inform you that we will be unable to offer you a place in the class entering this fall"

Well Wish: "I wish you the very best in pursuing what I am sure will be a successful and challenging legal career."

"A very large number of strong applications", eh? What's with the fuzzy math, Cornell? I expect some hard numbers from any Ivy League institution, you could of at least made something up: five thousand, ten thousand, eleventy-jillion?

University of Maryland School of Law +3

WAITLIST

That's right, another interested but on the whole not totally commited party! My second DC Area waitlist thus far, perhaps they're impressed by my tales of the big city up north. To boot, according to the letter, it's not just a regular waitlist but a "preferred waitlist" which they claim that "most commonly, all applicants on that list are offered a seat". So who knows, I'm just a few declined acceptances away from upgrading this to an accepted.

Temple University Beasley School of Law +2

WAITLIST...sorta

The waitlists continue to roll on in. It's a bit of a surprise, Temple was in the lowest point tier of the pool, usually where are all the safe choices lie, so I think more than a few people might be losing some points after this (thus demonstrating the exciting unpredictability of the V.O.T.S.M.L.N.A.P.) . Since I only applied because they gave me a free application I'm not overly concerned with this one, in fact I might not even send the waitlist letter in depending on other letters. This'll have a more definitive status in the next update.

Seton Hall University School of Law +2

ACCEPTED

That's right, the first accepted of the V.O.T.S.M.L.N.A.P. A total safety school, no real doubts here, but hey beggers can't be choosers. It's a fine school overall and thus far the only school that accepted me for sure, so who knows, if all else fails it's the PATH to Newark, baby. Go Pirates!

Well the riveting human drama that is the V.O.T.S.M.L.N.A.P. continues to be written. It's ten down and ten to go so if anyone still wants in on some of this action there's still an unpredictable half to go; the handicap is now figured at -7 not an impossible hole. I've nearly completed my mission of being rejected by every exclusive top tier school so onward to the second tier. See you all out the final verdict. Victor Out!

Hot V.O.T.S.M.L.M.A.P Updates!

Well it's been a little over two weeks since the V.O.T.S.M.L.N.A.P. was announced and the brackets came trickling in: overly pessimistic predictions (thanks, dad), overly optimistic predictions (thanks, mom), and a milieu of middling ones. At the same time the brackets were coming in so were the letters. Here's a wrap up of the first five to arrive:

Columbia University School of Law +5

Number of supposed applicants: "over 7,000 candidates will seek admission to our entering class, numbering approximetly 370 students."

Rejection Phrase: "we regret to inform you that we are unable to take favorable action."

Well Wish: "We wish you much success and satisfaction at your law school of choice and beyond, throughout your career."

A local long shot, Columbia does get the award for the quickest turn around. Like I've told every woman I've been with: If you're going to dump me, at least be prompt about it.

Northwestern University School of Law +5

Number of Supposed Applicants: "We typically receive more than 5,000 applications for an incoming class of 240."

Rejection Phrase: "...regret that we are unable to offer you admission ..."

Well Wish: "...my sincere wishes for success in your future endeavors."

The tightwads at Northwestern couldn't even spare some paper and a stamp to mail their rejection letter. My rejection was a needlessly complicated process of them emailing me a pin number that I put into their website which directed me to a pdf of what my letter would have looked like. I printed it out just so I could crumple it up.

Georgetown University Law Center +4

Number of Supposed Applicants: "we received almost 12,000 applications for the 575 places available..."

Rejection Phrase: "unable to approve of your application for admission..."

Well Wish: "we wish you success in attaining your academic goals."

To note, of all the applications I've filled out, Georgetown was probably the most straightforward and easiest. I think you might have even been allowed to send it in without a letter of recommendation. Perhaps that's why their supposed application number is so high. That or they're suffering from some major application envy and are overcompensating

New York University School of Law +5

Number of Supposed Applicants: "We expect more than 7,600 candidates to compete for admission this year,"

Rejection Phrase: "...we are unable to offer you admission..."

Well Wish: "Please accept our best wishes for your educational and professional success."

Et tu NYU? Well, my personal statement argument of "hey you let me in the first time, why not give it another go" wasn't enough to sway the admissions people. It was just a big a long shot as Columbia but I figured they owed me a solid for being so prompt with my payments for four years.

American University Washington College of Law +3

WAITLIST

But that word doesn't mean rejection? A surprising palette cleanser to the denial parade, the first signs of proof that I am capable of at least semi-rejection. Pretty soon I might even dream of getting, dare I say, an acceptance letter. You feeling crazy, Harvard?

Well that's the story of the pool for now. Some expected early rejections, no huge upsets. It's 4 and a 1/2 down with 15 to go. Remember, entries are still possible with a current -4 handicap if you're feeling lucky. See you all at the final verdict. Victor Out!

Victor's One Time Special March Legal Madness Acceptance Pool!!

So as part of the long process of being railroaded into law school by my parents, I've just recently finished the application process. Now when I manged to sneak into NYU for undergrad I went early decision and never applied anywhere else, so I felt a little bit of regret over not experiencing the usual process of applying to schools. Now for the first time ever I've sent out multiple applications to many of the finest law schools in the nation and finally I can experience the hurt of rejection and the (possible) triumph of acceptance and you can too!

Being the generous man I am I want to share this special time with you...the people of the internet and in the spirit of that other college based tournament event that will be starting soon, I've decided to announce my first (and mostly likely only) Victor One Time Special March Legal Madness Acceptance Pool!

Now you too can play along with the V.O.T.S.M.L.M.A.P. at home and the rules are as simple as that acronym is cumbersome:

1. Using a brute force approach to the application process I've applied to 20 different institutions of higher legal learning ranging from impossible long shots to cozy safety schools. I've given these schools a point number based on relative difficulty of acceptance (very scientific). The schools are:

1. Yale +5
2. Harvard +5
3. Columbia +5
4. NYU +5
5. Northwestern +5
6. Cornell +4
7. Georgetown +4
8. George Washington University +4
9. Boston College +4
10. Fordham +4
11. University of Maryland +3
12. American University +3
13. University of Connecticut +3
14. Cardozo - Yeshiva University +3
15. Brooklyn Law +3
16. Temple +2
17. Rutgers Camden +2
18. Seton Hall +2
19. Rutgers Newark +2
20. St. John's +2
    

2. From this list you pick the particular law schools that would be fooled into accepting me. Pick as many or as little as you like, I won't be offended and send them to me at amazingvictor@gmail.com. Once I receive your email it cannot be changed.

3. For every school you picked that accepted me, you will gain said number of points. However, if I get rejected by a school you picked you will lose said number of points. Harder schools have higher rewards but higher risk while safer schools have lower risk but lower rewards.

4. I will regularly give updates as to what schools have accepted or rejected me as the letters begin to come in and privately update all projections.

5. The contest will end when I receive all 20 acceptance/rejection letters and the totals for all participants will be tallied. Looking at how late I sent a lot of these in, I'm looking at late April for full closure. The winner will receive a special prize that's to be determined and will be worth $20...or less. I myself will also have a personal bracket and will give special acknowledgments to everyone who scored better than me.

6. You can enter anytime, however once I start receiving letters from schools anyone entering the pool will have to start with a -1 point handicap for every letter that's already been revealed.

To give everyone a heads up, here are a few facts about me to help with the pool selection process:

• My LSAT score was a 160 out of 180, about the 90th percentile, a decent score but by no means very sexy to the big name schools (I never did get the hand of the the logic games section...that and I didn't study).
• My NYU final GPA topped out at around 3.6, pretty good, but then again my major was Communications.
• I have a couple of club executive board member positions under my belt and some America Reads volunteer credits, always attractive.
• My personal statement is loaded with what can only be described as the old "Victor charm" and is laden with "I'm the son of poor immigrants who accomplished the American Dream" pathos.

Well that's about it. Think hard, weight your choices, and send them on in. I hope there'll be a large turnout and I wish everyone, including myself the best of luck. See you at the verdict.

Note: My use of its promotional images in no way condones or endorses the alleged "comedy" film Accepted.