Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy...or a man named Andy

Before I begin any mention of the song "I Kissed A Girl" by Jill Sobule, I want to go on record as stating that, in case there was ever even a moment of doubt among anyone out there, I vastly prefer this "I Kissed A Girl" over the other "I Kissed A Girl". I'm not going to go as far as to say that one song is objectively "better" than another. Aside from both being pop songs with a shared title and broad story of a straight girl reflecting on kissing another girl, they are two very different songs from completely different genres and eras with divergent themes. Sobule's song is an understated, sort of folk rock story of a woman's complicated feelings for her female friend that despite the quirkiness comes off with a surprising amount of honesty. Perry's song is a slick, Dr. Luke produced, electropop monster of a track, that's built around the titillating shock value of the female protagonist kissing another girl. Sobule's protagonist was motivated to kiss her friend out of emotion and felt some guilt about her actions which she eventually plays off and accepts a non-judgmental attitude about; Perry's is motivated to kiss a random female for the attention and is really torn by the guilt over her enjoyment of it. For a song about same sex kissing, it is aggressively heterosexual. While, often times I'll go for lust, flash, and trash over the subtle and honest, I just find myself just plain liking Sobule's protagonist a lot more than Perry's (also I've always been down with alternative rock chicks with guitars).

With that being said (I think that extended preface will be almost be as long as my actual main post, which is fairly simple) I just wanted to mention two random thoughts I had about Jill Sobule's "I Kissed A Girl".

First, after watching the video again, it's amazing how little Fabio has changed in over 15 years.

Secondly, as one of those gender specific songs that really requires the singer to be a certain gender (or to utilize the use of lame lyrical gender reassignment) to maintain the original theme, I always thought that if a man was singing "I Kissed A Girl", the song would then be about this guy seriously overreacting about kissing a girl for the first time and having conflicting feelings about it. Additionally some of those feelings of guilt might have been related to the fact that the girl he kissed ("Jenny") is his close friend and is with somebody else ("Brad"); understandably a bizarre source for getting your first kiss.

I never really considered until now that the switched male singer could have been gay, which would have made his conflicted feelings far more rational. Perhaps I'm just not that progressive minded but I always imagined the male singer to be straight, cripplingly love-shy weirdo. With a gay male protagonist the general theme of the song is preserved but instead it's a gay individual questioning their homosexuality and realizing it's okay to be a little straight sometimes; a theme that you really won't find all that often in pop songs (or any songs for that matter). This also would make a lot more sense of the fact that protagonist of the song reveals to the other girl that he/she is in a relationship as well with a guy ("Larry") whose recent marriage proposal he/she is considering.

Either love-shy straight or gay male scenario would explain Brad's relief and lack of concern that Jenny is staying over late at their house, but he still comes off as a massive homophobe when he states that "I'm glad your with your girlfriend, tell her hi for me". I suppose his attitude is consistent with Jenny's assessment of him as a "hairy behemoth" that was as "dumb as a box of hammers".

I Just Wanna Watch The Girls Goin' By!

I am aware that the ideal time for a post about Y&T's 1985 music video for "Summertime Girls" would have been, well, in the summer time. However with the clear end of a historically terrible winter season and the, at least sporadic, return of warm weather I felt compelled to jump the gun a little.

Y&T is one of the more hard luck bands of the 80s hair metal genre. They appeared to be as musically talented and wrote songs that were as catchy as any one of their popular contemporaries, but they never quite reached a true breakthrough level of success (not even Great White or Dokken levels). "Summertime Girls" perfectly demonstrates this star crossed lack of karma. The song and accompanying music video, released during a period of mainstream hair metal domination, could have been any more commercial and pop friendly and nailed all the right notes for successful genre hit. The song is a giddy mix of crunching guitars, soaring metal vocals, good time lyrics, and anthemic choruses covered with a delicious layer of synths. As for the music video itself, it crams basically every rock video trope and cliche that the young medium had developed thus far from Huey Lewis style wackiness to Van Halen inspired cheekiness, placed in front of a sunny So Cal beach backdrop with plenty of chicks in bikinis on roller blades. It was pure naked ambition, the act of a band doing everything in their power to get a breakthrough pop hit. It eventually topped out at #55 on the Hot 100, their highest charting single to date.

Although "Summertime Girls" never really got the popularity and lasting recognition that it deserved, I think the least I can do, over 25 years after the fact, on my obscure little internet blog is to give it a proper in-depth "live blog" analysis in all its four minute glory:

0:00: A sly commentary on the widening income gap and general economic disparity under the Reagan administration's social and economic policies. An interesting way to start a music video indeed.

0:07: I think the "No Accordion Solos" sign was the band's attempt at goading Weird Al Yankovic into doing a parody of their song and thus giving them the extra exposure. I would have gone with "Summertime Grills".

0:10: "Heh heh, just like Oscar the Grouch."

0:14: I guess this is a not-so-subtle metaphor about how the band "rocks"? Also, it kind of makes it look like they were either having sex or hotboxing (or doing both) in that mysterious seaside cave.

0:28: Shooter Gavin's friend from "Happy Gilmore" should have the calibration checked on his "heavy metal detector", it seems to be also picking up "radio friendly pop metal" and "hair metal" as well.

0:33: Also, that's not how metal detectors work.

0:45: Ladies and gentlemen, Y&T!

0:54: And here come the babes. Like most fashions from the 80s I find those high V bikini bottoms to be powerfully unsexy despite the fact that they're more revealing than classic bottoms. I'd think'd almost prefer a woman in a one piece over those things.

1:06: Here comes the wacky cast of characters. The lady in the "Choose Me" shirt seems like an obvious reference to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" but is the lifeguard a more obscure reference to Blotto's "I Wanna Be A Lifeguard"?

1:20: Four surly looking leather bound, chain wearing, biker chicks/dominatrices who are quite improperly dressed for the beach; do I sense a romantic story arch?

1:25: A little initial meet-cute action between the leather chicks and the boys. Also notice the incredibly sloppy acting of the out of place fat member of the band (if SNL ever decides to do an esoteric parody of this video you better believe you'll be seeing Bobby Moynihan in that yellow tank top).

1:39: Of course since those leather chicks are so beyond tough they have to set up shop in the junkyard portion of the beach adjacent to the nearby prison. Badasses!

1:45: He looks like he just completed a shift at Hooters.

1:48: In contrast to all those "good girls" who use sun screen and sun block to protect themselves the leather chicks use highly toxic and ultimately ineffective motor oil. Badasses!

1:56: I wonder why they picked the fat guy to be eating from the lady's headdress instead of romancing mermaids or stealing from nerds?

2:00: You've got to get that that band fake playing their instruments shot in somewhere.

2:08: Chicks in bikinis on roller skates with boomboxes, the triple crown of 80s music videos! You can also read the succession of shots of chicks with bigger boom boxes as the band's commentary on the absurdity of the then increasingly dangerous and costly nuclear and military arms race between the US and the Soviet Union.

2:22: Yes, even the leather chicks are getting in on the rolling action. They look like an extremely skanky yet highly successful roller derby team. Badasses!

2:36: "Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year."

3:02: You know what will really impress that girl? If I blew up the game stand with a bazooka. Good thing there's a fully loaded one right here on top of that box of dynamite!

3:05: There's no indication that he actually shot his bazooka round into the clown's mouth, but I'm pretty sure he at least killed the game operator.

3:22: After a long day of fun and excitement at the beach there's nothing like walking off into the golden sunset while being serenaded by Y&T.

3:25: Gina Gershon?

3:29: That was certainly uncalled for. That robot's just being a dick.

3:40: Just when you thought that our lovelorn quartet were just going to sadly return to their cold, lonely garbage cans and abandoned caves, we get the crowd pleasing Hollywood ending with the once cold hearted leather chicks coming over and (instead of murdering them) giving them a rare smile, taking each of them by the hand and romantically walking off into the sunset. Badasses!

Re-Work My Heart

Quite often I'll find myself with a random idea or notion that, while sort of interesting (at least to myself anyway), is essentially worthless and infeasible due to issues of cost, time, logic, and overall pointlessness. I've also noticed I've been getting these ideas more frequently during my current post graduate unemployment period. Rather than just confining these useless fancies in my mind and letting them die a peaceful, honorable, death I figured I'd toss up an occasional thought or two on the blog and have it live forever in the limitless clutter of the internet. You can thank me later.

The setting is December 1996; weddings and Bar Mitzvahs remain trapped under the unrelenting iron grip of the Macarena, Bill Clinton optimistically looks ahead to a productive, distraction-free, second term, and Toni Braxton's "Un-Break My Heart" is topping the Billboard Charts. Of course anyone around my age will recall the classic music video for "Un-Break My Heart" (which joins Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" as one of the two greatest music videos of women walking around their mansions singing about their love for and lamenting the motorcycle related deaths of their significant others, made in 1996). You know how the story goes: Tyson Beckford gets killed right off the bat by some random yellow Oldsmobile, countless shots of Toni grieving in various states of undress, Toni's flashbacks of sexy frolicking with Tyson Beckford in various states of undress, and that big concert at the end with the full orchestra and that weird dress with the hole in the side. The song itself was epic enough on it's own but then you add the over-the-top four minute melodrama to the music, you get a straight up classic.

At the time the video came out I found it to be probably the most nakedly erotic thing my 12 year old self saw on basic cable (at least until Fiona Apple's "Criminal" came out the following year). Watching it now nearly 15 years later (god I felt so old writing that out) the whole thing is a lot tamer and surprisingly sillier then I remember, particularly the sexy flashbacks. All the flashback to Toni and Tyson during happier times are obviously supposed to show a deeply passionate, sexy young couple, enjoying each other and for the most part they do, but looking at it now some of the scenes don't really work for me. Here's a breakdown of their activities ranked in terms of sexiness:

• Doing it in the shower (Classic sexy. Can't go wrong with that.)
• Sexy swimming/possibly doing it in the pool (Pretty sexy, very rarely done wrong [see pool sex scene from "Showgirls"])
• Cuddling by the fireplace in matching black turtleneck sweaters (Sexy, but the sweaters lose points.)
• Toni playfully shaving Tyson (Not all that sexy. There are ways one can make shaving sexy, but it doesn't really work here)
• Sexy game of Twister (Not sexy and weird. With all the physical entanglements Twister can have sexy applications, but when you're an intimate couple like that why don't you just go have sex?)
• Tyson playfully grooming Toni's hair (Totally not sexy. I can't imagine any scenario where that would work.)

So given all these memorable scenes, my ideas was that that if anyone wanted to make a parody of the "Un-Break My Heart" video it should replace the flashback activities with unambiguously un-sexy and increasingly absurd activities. What these activities should be is really left to the parodist but they should be the complete opposite of sexy behavior. Just brainstorming off the top of my head faux Toni and Tyson could be:

• Doing yard work
• Installing weather stripping
• Filing their joint tax returns
• Re-enacting Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House"
• Eating gigantic sandwiches
• Voting
• Making a dress with a huge hole in the side

Well, I think it had promise. However given that neither this song nor Toni Braxton has been all that relevant for at least a decade (although Weezer's recent cover of it on their new album is kind of not terrible), it would appear that this idea is will only live on as a gloriously esoteric pipe dream. Then again, if they can make a mediocre SNL digital short based entirely on the opening lines of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5", perhaps there's a glimmer of hope.

She was like part woman, part horrible beast

I guess I should throw in a cursory warning that the following blog post does indeed contain plot spoilers for the classic, controversial music video for The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up". So if you're some time traveler from the distant past or have been frozen in ice for the 90s, maybe you should just watch it beforehand if you don't want to be denied one of the best twist endings of the 90s outside of the "Sixth Sense" (spoiler: Bruce Willis is dead).

So anyways, "Smack My Bitch Up", one of my all time favorite music videos. It really has everything I look for in the music video medium (and really all media in general): action, displays of violence, adult situations, sex (preferably girl on girl), and twist endings. As an additional bonus, I even enjoyed the music on an independent basis (my freshman year of high school purchase of "The Fat of the Land" is definitely the height of my explorations into "electronic music"). The controversial elements of the video are obviously what gives it is lasting legacy, but for me it's really the ending that I find the most shocking of all.

All the violence, sex, misogyny, drug use, etc. are really generic elements that the jaded 21st (or even the late 20th) century observer has seen countless times before. The big final reveal that the video's protagonist, with whom you've voyeuristically shared the whole chaotic video through their eyes, is actually a woman and thus subverting all your perceptions about everything that just happened; now that's shockingly unexpected! I'm sure someone can also make a up big feminist analysis of the whole thing, with lines about empowerment and gender roles in media as well. I just really dig it for the same reason I like reruns of the Twilight Zone and O. Henry short stories: those clever twist endings.

Watching the video again recently I realized that a lot of contrivances (some more subtle than others) had to go into the video to maintain the gender charade until the end of the video. Some of the more obvious contrivances are: the lack of mirrors and opportunities for reflection, the unisex clothes, the sparse bedroom, the ambiguous attention from both female and male characters throughout the night. However, I noticed that most of the entire video's ruse depends on the fact that the actress playing the protagonist has subtle "man hands".

While obviously nowhere near the comical effect of Jerry's date from the "Seinfeld" episode that coined the phrase, our protagonist clearly has a pair of mitts that would at least be considered gender neutral. They lack any hint of the telltale daintiness, delicateness, and refinement one would expect out of a young, swinging 90's, British woman's hands. These are some sturdy looking paws: no manicure, no nail polish, no rings, no signifying bracelets; and since they are basically our only physical clues to the character it's absolutely essential for the video that they are that way. Any trace of femininity would have given the ending away or at least raised questions and diminished the effectiveness of the ending. So therein lies the key to the video's greatness, whether it's taking a shower, preparing lines of cocaine, eating takeout, knocking back shot after shot, assaulting a DJ, recklessly driving drunk, or making love to a stripper; our protagonist never tips their hand.

The Hook Brings You Back...

So I just found out that Ken Ober suddenly passed away over the weekend. While I was far too young and cable-less to have seen his work as host of "Remote Control" on MTV, I will forever remember him for his role as the main protagonist in the music video for Blues Traveler's "Hook" and to a lesser extent as the sleazy manager in the video for "Run Around". I hate to admit it but "Four" was one of the definitive albums of my youth; a key touchstone of my early development as a music fan. For about a year and a half, that album was inescapable. When VH1 wasn't playing the hell out of the videos, I got my daily dose it from the school bus driver who firmly planted the bus dial on WEBE 108, the local Adult Contemporary station where it was basically played on the hour.

While I'm not going start wearing a KO patch on my shirt or anything (in fact, I'm actually more bummed out by the other recent death of Edward Woodward aka The Equalizer), it is still a little sad nevertheless.

Farewell, Ken Ober aka the guy from "Hook".

Yo! Bum Rush the Show

Wow, from all the facebook updates currently blowing up all over about Kanye's sudden storming of the VMA stage you'd think it was the equivalent of Kennedy being shot (the president not the former VJ). Frankly, I'm surprised that so many people even watch the VMAs (you know with the almost complete decline into irreverence of the music video as an important cultural force and all).

As for Kanye's actions, I'm not going to hate on him for it. As far as award interruptions go, it was fairly mild. I'm chalking it up to Kanye being Kanye. Nobody's feelings were hurt, MTV's got another great moment to throw in future VMA retrospectives, and we're all obviously better off for it. However, I do have to disagree with his fervent claim that "Single Ladies" is "one of the best videos of all time". I don't see it. I don't think it was even good enough to beat Taylor Swift. Now the 1994 VMAs, when MCA as his alter-ego Nathaniel Hornblower ran up to the stage to announce his absolute outrage at R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" winning best direction over "Sabotage", he was well within his rights to protest that injustice.

"This is an outrage! This is a farce!"

Of course no post about famous music award show disruptions would be complete without mention of the late ODB's moment at the 1998 Grammys, still the gold standard for award disruptions.

I CAN Go For That!

If you're like me, you've no doubt found yourself many times surfing around the Internet, enjoying the wide expanses of the information superhighway, only to be become suddenly overwhelmed by a burning desire to hear one of Hall and Oates' countless hit singles. "Sara Smile", "Private Eyes", "Method of Modern Love"; whatever it may be, you just have a burning thirst for some H2O. You also don't want to waste precious time and effort on loading up your mp3s or searching through your currently play list. You definitely don't want to deal with opening up another window and searching and finding uploaded music videos of the songs on Youtube. Until now you were stuck with these limited options; expound precious energy and effort on manually loading up your favorite Hall and Oates mega hits via one medium or another or just letting that feeling pass in wretched frustration.

That is until now.

Just when you thought between the ubiquitous sea of spam and viruses, the perverse clutter of porno sites, and the pointless, narcissistic cacophony of social networking, that the Internet had all but failed its grand promise to society as a transcendent medium that would eliminate barriers, both natural and cultural, leading to unparalleled progress and collaboration among the human race; it comes up with something that restores our faith in its usefulness.

This fan made labor of love ingeniously utilizes the various resources of the Internet to bring an unmatched Hall and Oates experience. It takes the videos from YouTube, provides its own lyrics, links to retailers of the song and album on Amazon and iTunes, and even gives a novel "Did You Know?" section via wikipedia; all complimented by an elegantly simple interface. In addition, the way it's all set up makes it a completely legal channel to enjoy the music. This was what the Internet was made for; compiling and making use of disparate streams of information to create a wholly beneficial and useful collaboration that's greater than the sum of the parts.

There is, however, one thing to point out. Although the site uses the artwork and design scheme from their definitive, 5 star AMG rated, 2001 greatest hits collection (the aptly titled) "The Very Best of Daryl Hall and John Oates", it's actually not a direct representation of that album. It is missing a few tracks like "It's a Laugh" and the criminally underrated "Adult Education". Still, aside from that, nothing short of brilliant. Perhaps this concept of the fan made, dedicated greatest hits shrine, will become a whole new web based phenomena.

Rule of Three: HorrorTown Genre 1982-1984

Anyone who was ever really into academic bowl in high school or college (NYU college bowl president, 2004-2006) will likely understand where I'm coming from. For those of you whose only exposure to hardcore, moderated, team based, buzzer pressing action was that episode of Saved by the Bell where Zack and the gang compete against a bunch of ugly nerd caricatures from rival Valley; all I ask for is for you to keep an open mind.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar, a standard round of academic trivia consists of two teams of four being asked a ten point tossup question by the moderator. At any point in the question, any member of either team can ring to answer it; at the risk of getting it wrong, losing five points, and giving the other team sole control of answering the question. Once a side has correctly answered the tossup they will get and series of exclusive bonus question worth 30 points which they can confer and answer family feud style. The format of the bonus questions in terms of number and value could be anything: a trio of 5-10-15 point questions, a pair of 15 point questions, questions of declining value from 30-20-10, etc. The most popular format, however, are three questions of 10 points each. If this explanation has somehow perversely peaked your academic bowl interests you should check out Ken Jennings' "Brainiac" or Andrew U.'s disturbingly thorough analysis of buzzing techniques.

After four years of college answering countless 30 point bonuses (and having to write more than a few myself) I developed a sort of mental proclivity towards groups of threes. Many times I or my old college bowl friends and I would find ourselves talking about some esoteric pop culture topic and then notice that there are at least three examples of them (i.e. Drifter's hits about being somewhere: "Up on the Roof", "On Broadway", and "Under the Boardwalk") and deem them enough for a "bonus" or lament the fact that a category is one short of a "bonus" (i.e. biopics about Steve Prefontaine: "Prefontaine" and "Without Limits"). In my mind, a piece of overly specific pop culture trivia reaching that particular standard of the rule of three has now earned a sort of "bona fide" status. Something specific happening once is obviously an isolated incident. Something specific happening twice is a mere coincidence. Once something specific happens three times, it's a movement, a category, a series, an era, a period, trend, or in this case: a genre.

While I doubt there's any real literature to attest to it, under my rule of three, there was an incredibly brief but wildly successful subgenre of Pop R&B that I will officially coin as "HorrorTown", an early forerunner for the more legitimate "Horrorcore" hip hop subgenre that would emerge over a decade later. As the next three songs and videos will show, essentially this sound could be characterized as a blend of 80's contemporary Motown style pop R&B mixed with elements of the occult, death, darkness, the macabre, and the bizarre. Fittingly enough they all involve Michael Jackson as well.

Michael Jackson - Thriller (1982)

With that totally false statement, the HorrorTown genre was launched in a most spectacular fashion. The Citizen Kane of music videos, which to this day continues to influence a whole new generation of pop stars, Filipino prisoners, and reenactors at the Village Halloween Parade who never fail to annoy me, lays out the fundamental blueprint for the entire genre: monsters, disturbing imagery, paranoia, unrelenting darkness; all done with a grand eye for the cinematic...and featuring Michael Jackson. It also carries on the HorrorTown trademark of having a completely accessible, fun, danceable, pop sound that is completely the opposite of its lyrics and theme. There's also the big twist ending, which is a common feature of HorrorTown videos.

Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me (1984)

For me personally, this is the probably the scariest of the HorrorTown videos (whether that makes it more definitive of the genre or less, I'm not sure). Once again, the random disturbing imagery (floating head, demonic dog, blood, etc.), paranoia, sense of evil, Michael Jackson vocals are all there. Most people will say based on the theme of the song and the shower references, that there's a distinct cinematic tie to "Psycho" with the video, but I find it more like "The Shinning". It's obvious that Rockwell didn't know what he was getting into being the caretaker for this modest two story condo which may or may not be built right next to a cemetery. The video also definitely had the best HorrorTown twist ending with the undead mailman. Aside from the song and video, the fact that Rockwell was Berry Gordy's son gives this single the distinction of having the strongest of ties to the Motown sound. Although I've never seen the music video for his second "hit" "Obscene Phone Caller", based on the words and music, how could it not be another HorrorTown classic?

Jacksons - Torture (1984)

Like the ephemeral splendor of a blazing firework, the spectacular run of the HorrorTown genre eventually ended with the Jacksons' swansong Torture. It's amazing to observe how far the genre had evolved in the mere two years since "Thriller". The HorrorTown video had moved from merely creating pastiches of traditional movie elements to drawing its own completely original artistic visions. In a wholly created nightmarish dimension worthy of Lovecraft the Jacksons find themselves in a truly disturbing universe of giant eyeballs, grotesque spiders, and dancing skeletons; torn between sick pleasure and twisted pain. A true masterpiece of the form if there ever was one. Although Jackson and like minded artists would casually exhibit HorrorTown-like projects from time to time, the classic era died with "Torture".

And a Loooooooooooooooooooong Jacket

Imagine if you amassed every artist and act that could be considered to be in the realm of popular music; laid them out one after another in a long line in descending order, with the greatest, most acclaimed, most influential, etc., etc. on one side and the least talented, worst possible noise pollution on the other. In my opinion the absolute middle point in that massive musical continuum would be CAKE.

Has there any band been so consistently...consistent? Save for perhaps a handful of CAKE fanatics hidden away in some enclave in Sacramento, the feeling among everyone I've known to have listened to them seems to be as indifferent and as passionless as lead singer John McCrea's signature monotone singing style. You know exactly what you're getting when you listen to a CAKE song, the monologue-like voice drowning in irony, the odd cryptic lyrics, the sort of funky bass and guitar, and the ubiquitous trumpets. If someone were to replace your copy of "Comfort Eagle" with "Fashion Nugget" or "Prolonging the Magic", would there really be a difference? Sure, superficially the songs would be different, but at the core, the music would be exactly the same. I can only imagine what it must of been like for someone to have first heard "Rock and Roll Lifestyle" in 1994 on some college radio station. They would have thought it was the future of post-alternative rock, only to be gradually disappointed with every subsequent song and album that showed no change or evolution of the sound. It's not to say that CAKE is bad. You still have to appreciate their absolutely unique output and perhaps even how they've managed to deviate so little from it. And in this tumultuous universe ruled by uncontrollable disorder and chaos, it's actually somewhat comforting to know CAKE will always be CAKE.

Despite the aggressively consistent nature of their music, their video work is another story. CAKE's single greatest triumph as artists is the video for "Short Skirt/Long Jacket", one of my all time favorite music videos. The whole concept is just so brilliantly original and downright elegant in its simplicity and execution: just film people listening to the song and their reactions. If I were the band, I would have just launched an iconic series of these "man on the street" videos like Robert Palmer and his zombie girl bands. I could watch a full length documentary of these quick cuts of fascinating, supposedly real, people giving random, sometimes bizarre observations to the music I'm listening to at the moment. It'd be kind of like "Slacker" without the actors. So out of the more than two dozen people interviewed over the video's span of three and half minutes, I have culled my top ten favorite:

10

"I don't think it'll get to the top of the pops."

9

"With the right lead singer it'd be hot."

8

"I like it, it's a really nice song"
(If it weren't for the fact she would have been around five when the video was made, I could have sworn this was Abigail Breslin)

7

[Overly Enthusiastic Display of Dancing]

6

"As a psychologist I'd have to say it has therapeutic value because it releases something deep inside."
(Looks suspiciously like Jeff Goldblum)

5

"Sounds like some kind of super girl that some feminist would approve of or something."

4

"I've heard it a million times all the way back to all of the old records which were much better when they first came out back in the 1940's."

3

(Possibly a time traveler from the future?)

2

Not bad, not bad. I like this stuff...how much is this? I'll take two!"

1

"I miss the rising action, a little bit. The voice is good, it rocks, the song rocks...but a little bit I miss the rising action."
(Quality efficient German constructive criticism)

Sex Over the Phone!

Today was my first day of summer law classes. In the two weeks or so period from when I finished my last final to today, I had almost forgotten how much I hated going to school. In fact, it's sort of needlessly cruel really; to give me this fleeting taste of idle summer pleasure just to take it away and keep it away until essentially the end of summer. I may have been better off if they had just started summer school right at the end of the school year without missing a beat. During the year I had forgotten the concepts of "free time" and "vacation" so giving me that brief window back there before the summer session was like reopening an old wound and then jamming a fresh lemon on it.

Yeah, there's basically no other way to put it: summer school (sans Mark Harmon) sucks! However, I cope and muddle on, giving it my best, half assed, effort, and trying to keep my spirits up. After spending the day being bored by the library, fleeced by the bookstore, trapped by the classrooms, and bored by the lectures there is only one sure fire thing that always cheers me up; you guessed it, it's the video for the Village People's final single, "Sex Over the Phone."

I am actually big enthusiast of the final hits of band right before they broke up or stopped being relevant. Many times a fairly productive and veteran band's last hit is totally out of left field or a complete 180 from what their sound was when they started out or when they were in their prime and I find that endlessly fascinating (and listenable). To the chagrin of many of my music loving friends, my favorite Beatles song is probably the "Long and Winding Road" with its lush, and blasphemously un-Beatles-like Phil Spector Wall of Sound production. I have no interest in anything Led Zeppelin related but I love their final hit, the totally non-canon "Fool in the Rain." Similarly, other swan songs like the Four Seasons' "December, 1963 (Oh What a Night)", ELO's "Calling America", and the Beach Boys' "Kokomo" (with that classic Stamos drumming) all rank fairly high in my personal depth charts of their singles.

The Village People's final single, "Sex Over the Phone" also fits into that mold. However, while the song itself is just as catchy and innuendo laden as their best dance singles, the video is what really distinguishes it. I have yet to see another music video that was both so flagrantly gay and so flagrantly 80s at the same time. The Village People have always maintained a somewhat subtle, slightly subversiveness to their songs (as evidenced by all the marriages and bar mitzvahs that so innocently play "YMCA") but I guess by the mid 80s and with the advent of music video they decided to just eschew all that...with a very modest budget. However, to their credit with a title like "Sex Over the Phone" how could you not create such a ludicrously flamboyant and hilariously literal video?

Here's a rundown of my highlights:

0:15: We see that the Indian has been getting all dapper and ready for his hot date with, you guessed it...the phone; thus setting the foundation for our high concept fare. Also interesting thing to note is how all the characters have gotten updated to the slick 80s'; no more headdresses and loincloths for the Indian it's all leather pants and bolo ties.

0:32: Thus begins the most amateurish music video dance sequence of the 1980s. I mean I'm not one to push stereotypes here but shouldn't a nearly all gay dance music group, be you know, a little better at choreographing a dance sequence? I also wonder: where are those phones were connected to?

0:50: Why is the cop getting a ticket? Why is he so causal about it?

0:56: Had I seen this as a child, I probably would have had nightmares about the close up of the bearded biker with his intense burning stare.

1:08: Once again guys, a few hours practice before the shoot might have made this look a whole lot more professional.

1:22: And the single most homoerotic moment of the Village People's career is brought to you courtesy of the construction worker.

1:42: Meanwhile over in our nation's telecommunications lines; the suggestive, chaotic dancing continues unabated.

1:59: The army guy shows commitment to his character by using a military issue walkie talkie as his phone. Other Village People members however fail to show that sort of commitment to accuracy: the Cowboy does not utilize 19th century telegraph nor does the Indian use smoke signals.

2:26: Female versions of the Village People digitalized and obscured. A commentary on the sexual anonymity provided by mediated communications? A statement about the band's sexual orientation? Just an excuse to use some digital effects? Or all of the above?

2:33: "I got it," said the Leather-bound Biker.

2:40: This is where the video gets really confusing. After all that's transpired and after all that is known about the Village People, they're talking to women (female doppelgangers of themselves no less).

2:58: A young Madonna trying get some exposure with the club crowd?

3:17: For that last person in the audience that has yet to grasp the "phone sex" theme of the song and video thus far, perhaps this gigantic phone (and to a lesser extent the giant credit card) should crystallize the message.

3:31: All this sex over the phone is just too much for the prudish, old timey telephone board operator who seems to be the one in charge of routing all these erotic phone calls.

3:39: Wait a minute, if it's a phone sex line then why is there a computer screen with a sex simulation program which is somehow disconnected from a fantasy hotline??? How can they leave us with this confusing shot as their parting image as a band?

Sometimes a Fantasy...

Earlier last week Mariah Carey and new husband Nick Cannon celebrated their recent nuptials by renting out all of Six Flags Magic Mountain in California and having a private party with about a hundred of their closest friends. Now at this point I could take an obvious cheap shot at how a private party at an amusement park would be quite apt considering their May December romance, but I won't. When I stopped and thought about it, it's really not that ludicrous of an age difference.

As it turned out Mariah Carey was a bit younger (38) then I thought she was and Nick Cannon was was surprisingly much older (28) then I thought he was. I guess it's just that Mariah's been in the game for so long and that Nick Cannon works on TV and movie projects that feel like they were written by teenagers, that this gap felt a lot wider. Ten years seems like a drop in the bucket compared to some of the more lopsided celebrity couples out there: Jay-Z and Beyonce (11 years), Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (15 years), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (16 years), Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart (22 years), Michael Douglas and Cathrine Zeta-Zones (exactly 25 years), Celine Dion and that old guy (26 years), basically anyone Larry King ever married, and don't even get me started on the many loves of R. Kelly. We may even be looking at four years of a May December White House; presidential candidate John McCain has 18 years on possible future first lady Cindy McCain.

No, it wasn't the age issue or anything about the marriage that made this bit of news stick out at me. The real reason why this news item was of note to me begins with the story of a disappointed young child in the mid-90s:

Ten or so years after leaving Korea for America, my parents had worked themselves out a modest living running a grocery store in the Bronx. Those scenes with the Korean store owners in "Do The Right Thing" are so accurate it's beyond eerie (I'm the little kid in the store). The work was hard and the hours were long but they soldiered on, motivated and inspired by the common dream shared by all immigrants to this country past and present of providing for themselves and, especially their children, a better tomorrow.

Growing up, my parents tried to provide for me and my sister as best they could under the circumstances. I wouldn't go as far to say things were as desperate as let's say Carl but we definitely qualified for reduced price school lunches and would be accurately described as underprivileged. Growing up in front of the TV, my little pre-adolescent self pined for many of the things those perfect sitcom families had that I assumed every American family also possessed. I wished for things basic "necessities" like roller blades, Trapper Keepers, a Super Nintendo, a room that I didn't have to share with my sister and grandmother, home with a backyard, and a basketball hoop. However, as much as I wanted all those material items, what I really wanted the most was time with my parents.

Running a 24 hour grocery store, 7 days a week made it so I would only be able to see my parents for an hour in the morning before school and about an hour at night before bed. In the mean time it was my grandmother and TV raising me at home. My parents worked on the weekends so I would only get some rare afternoon face time for church on Sundays which my mom at least took off for. Suffice to say there were no extended summer family vacations.

The only times where we would take trips out as a family were the handful of occasions a year when my parents would work out a schedule to have an entire day off and take us to Rye Playland. Playland was a quaint, old school amusement part just a half hour north of the Bronx with standard carnival rides and attractions (think Coney Island with slightly little less filth and faded glory) and a trip there was the absolute highlight of my pre-adolescent years. It may have seemed fun but unspectacular to many (especially for the cast of "Step by Step" who I assumed went to amusement parks on a daily basis) but to me it was heaven. The days leading up to an expected weekend trip up to Playland my little 10 year old self would write out elaborate personal itineraries of rides to go on that I remembered from the previous trip and draw up little homemade countdown calendars; all the while finding myself getting less and less sleep as the day arrived.

So one early spring circa 1995, the Lees headed out to another fun filled Saturday at Playland. Arriving at the gates, waiting for my dad to pay the parking fee and move into the park, I was my usual ball of unbearable excitement. However when we got to the booth the guard briefly said something to my father and directed our car into the opposite direction. Concerned at the distance we were suddenly putting between us and the park I asked my father what was up. My father, never being one to soften any bad news, told me that the park had been rented out by a private party for the whole day and that we were heading home.

I don't remember the rest of the day but all I could recall was crying as we stopped for a conciliatory meal at McDonald's and spending the rest of the day at home in utter depression. As far as I can remember that was my first taste of true, read world, unfair disappointment.
It taught me a crucial distinction between the world of TV and the books I'd read and the reality I lived in. In reality, in contrast to every piece of fiction I ever took in, there really could be moments where things were unfair and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it but experience the indifferent inequity of the universe. I recall it being painfully unfair not just for me, but for all the other kids in the cars behind us. One of only a handful of my yearly experiences actually having fun as a family was denied for some rich individual who wanted the park and didn't want to share.

The similarities between my mid-90s experience and Mariah's recent experience should end there, with me hoping that another generation of poor kids aren't taught an early lesson about the breaks by the actions of the privileged rich; but the connection runs deeper. In 1995 the music video for "Fantasy," Mariah Carey's hit single off her smash album "Daydream" was released. The memorable video, directed entirely by Mariah Carey, showed scenes of her roller blading, enjoying a roller coaster ride, and performing a night time dance sequence at Rye Playland. Now, while I don't have definitive proof and odds are probably unlikely, there is still a distinct possibility that the heartless soul that shattered my dreams that bleak summer day may very well have been Mariah Carey filming "Fantasy"!

While I do enjoy the song and appreciate its excellent sample of "Genius of Love"; until the day that my suspicions are finally extinguished that light and breezy video will forever remind me of my first bitter taste of real disappointed and a part of my childhood that died and never came back. Sure, Mariah, you may have gotten your 9th number one single at the time and sold millions of singles but was the cost of my youthful optimism really worth it?

This is just like that time I...

Say what you may about the hollow shell that is modern day "Family Guy" (and according to the entire wikipedia page devoted to "Criticism of Family Guy" there is apparently much to say), it is still the undisputed king of esoteric references. Yeah the show may be lacking in things like originality, plot, story, or even basic comedy writing; but I can't think of another show on network television that'll refer back to such obscure depths of pop culture. Considering how minute long clips from the show make up roughly 40% of YouTube, it's about the only thing going for the show.

So I was pleasantly surprised when I caught this on a random episode a few days back from one of the THREE different channels that it currently runs on:

Apparently Seth McFarlane and his team of manatees are also nostalgic for the wild solid color video days of late 80s-early 90s music videos. I was surprised that I had overlooked the other Black Box hit "Everybody Everybody," which, aside from being just as good as "Strike It Up," is classic white room:

This only goes to verify that irrefutable time tested formula for pop greatness:

Dance Beat + Solid Color Video + Martha Wash = MEGA HIT (give or take a law suit)

...And Then There Was X

In a recent conversation, friend and fellow pop culture blogger Andrew U. told me of his genuine belief that rap superstar DMX was crazy; like, legitimately, certifiably, medically, bat shit insane. And the more I look back at his body of work, the more I tend to agree. The constant references to dog fighting, the prolific barking, the almost non-stop screaming, the gruesomely violent and unsettlingly specific lyrics, the unexplained relentless aggression at the world in general; it all adds up to a disturbing listening experience. To listen to DMX is to listen to the bizarre words and thoughts of a lunatic. I'm surprised that, despite his baker's dozen or so of arrests (mostly driving and dog fighting), he hasn't flat out killed a man.

Crazy as the man may be, one cannot argue that he is truly unique, for better for for worse. Say what you want about the guy but "Dark Man X" is a massive success that defies common sense. He's one of the best selling rappers of all time despite never having a top 20 single. He's the only artist to have his first five consecutive albums debut at number 1 on the Billboard charts (his sixth debuted at 2 coming up just 1,500 short). On top of that he has one of the better film careers among rapper/actors (I remember Cradle 2 the Grave being number one when it came out). He could release an album next week and his ever devoted following will take him straight to the top.

Perfect example of X's inimitable brand of craziness and appeal is one of his biggest hits, the inaptly titled "Party Up." Off the bat you'd think a song called "Party Up" would all about having a good time and well...partying. It would appear to be a carefree hip hop club anthem and from the irresistibly catchy beats it's very much that. However, the more you get into it, you realize this isn't an ordinary party song it's a DMX party song! The whole thing just abrasively punches you in the face, from the whistles to the horns, to the police sirens. And then there's the trademark DMX delivery, an antagonistic rant directed hyper aggressively right to the listener. The song's so thumping and catchy that you never really pay attention to the lyrics, but it essentially has nothing to do with partying at all. It's the standard DMX lyrical cocktail of: threats to assault you, explanations of why DMX is so hard, some metaphors about dog fighting, how he's angry and tired of certain people that he considers enemies of his, and reiterations of his threats to assault you.

My favorite part of the song is towards the middle where, after he disses whoever he's discussing, he further elaborates by LITERALLY listing all the factors of why they suck ("you wack, you're twisted, your girl's a hoe..."). Add that and about the three or four times he mentions either hitting someone with, or making someone suck his dick and you've got yourself vintage DMX.

Of course a song of this brilliant insanity requires an equally brilliant and insane video; the distant cousin of that other great bank robbery centered music video favorite of mine.

Here's a rundown of the events:

• It all starts off innocently enough, our man DMX goes to his local branch's ATM to draw some funds.It turns out the machine is broken which is the cue for X to snap and rush up to the bank to give them a piece of his mind (although killing everyone doesn't seem too far fetched). Unfortunately just as he's arriving a notorious bank robber who looks like him and wears the same clothes leaves. What are the odds?
  

• Now when X comes upon all the bank customers and employees on the ground cowering in fear, does he suspect something is up? Of course not! He just starts threatening/rapping at the throughly confused and frightened tellers! Probably about fixing that machine downstairs. While he continues his angry flow, the situation goes from bad to worse with cops and media surrounding the building.

• X actually commits his sole logical action in the entire video (neigh perhaps in his entire career of videos) by noticing the injured security guard and attempting to bring him to safety. His reward for his good deed is being promptly shot at by the police, which I'm sure is some cutting social commentary on the racial profiling inherent in American criminal justice.

• Soon afterwards all the hostages in the bank are cleared out. It's just X and the police. They're trying to make sense of this strange angry man screaming into a direct communication walkie talkie he suddenly got. Alas, the law doesn't seem to understand.
  

• DMX finally realizes that he's involved in the aftermath of a bank robbery as the SWAT team storm the building. He escapes to the roof top. With his situation clearly at its bleakest he makes a call to his only hope: some guy in an SUV filled with strippers.

• The police finally determine that X wasn't the robber based on the testimony of the guard. X continues rapping on the rooftop.

• "It seems as though a couple of Suburbans are pulling up and females are running every where!?"

• Finally the sensible black detective plays Reginald VelJohnson to the trigger happy uninformed white detective's Paul Gleason and stops the sniper while X Die Hards it off the building using his apparent repelling skills.

• When he arrives on the ground he gets a gives a quick picture for the paper and is on his way, while the army of tramps continue to titillate and confuse the policemen. Thus concluding another wild adventure in the wacky life of DMX!

In the white room...

I have very few legitimate memories of my pre-adolescent years from the late 80s to the early 90s. I have a hazy recollection of my parents watching the closing ceremonies of the 1988 Seoul Olympics, a speech by President Reagan, and the intro to Cheers. That about sums it up for me and my eyewitness accounts of the 80s. The early 90s are a little better, that's when I first started getting into TV. The kids programing from that period are probably the most well preserved of my memories from that time. It's a shame however, that my family didn't have any cable and I hadn't really been exposed to any real music by then. In retrospect the roughly four year period from 1988 to 1992, in my opinion, seem to be the most diverse and interesting period in American pop music history.

There are really no set markers to conveniently bracket the period. Oddly enough, for me the period is about parallel to the original Bush administration. If I had to pick a starting point I'd go with the week of election day, November 12 when The Escape Club went to number one with "Wild, Wild West" to when Boyz II Men released their biggest hit "End of the Road" on August 15, 1992. For that wild four year period it seemed that music fans were just lost, wandering a diverse landscape of genres and styles. Definitive 80s music and style had all but ended and as the next decade approached everyone appeared to be confused as to what would be the signature 90s sound.

Just looking at the number one singles from the Hot 100 and you could see how exciting and tumultuous the timespan was. While some 80s stars still ruled the charts (Madonna, Michael Jackson, Phil Collins), it was a time when Chicago would be replaced by Poison and then by Bobby Brown all in a six week span. Boy bands (New Kids, Color Me Badd) dueled top honors with hair metal bands (Poison, Bad English, Guns N Roses) and pop princesses (Taylor Dane, Debbie Gibson, Amy Grant). Hip and hop and R&B were making their initial breaks into the pop mainstream (Paula Abdul, Mariah Carey, Kriss Kross, yes even Vanilla Ice). And song like "The Living Years" went to number one!

It was the American Dream incarnate, an open audition for the future of pop music and the country was ready to let anyone get a crack at it! Then everyone just decided to go with hip hop and R&B and aside from a few notable deviations (Candle in the Wind 97, Santana, American Idol winners) that has been more or less the norm for over 15 years now from Boyz II Men to Flo Rida.

Despite the seemingly label defying diversity of the era, there appears to be one common thread that links many of these diverse acts together: their over reliance on the bare single color background music video. The perfect example of this can be seen in C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)." It's that simple, single color (usually white, sometimes black and white), minimalist background look that apparently defined all that was cool in music videos in the late 80s, early 90s. Some videos would have other shots, some even elaborate shots, and story lines, and cinematic elements, but then they'd always defer back to the artists singing and dancing in some empty parallel universe room. Dance videos were the biggest culprits: "Strike It Up", "Finally", "U Can't Touch This", "Straight Up". This was understandable since they probably wanted to shift the focus onto the dancing without any distracting visuals.

Bobby Brown and his fellow New Jack Swingers were repeat offenders: "Every Little Step", "Don't Be Cruel", "Do Me", "She Ain't Worth It". This also seemed in line with the music.

It was interesting when some metal bands eschewed the standard concert footage videos and picked up on it: "Cherry Pie", "Something to Believe In", "More Than Words"

And in some cases it was just strange and/or annoying: "She Drives Me Crazy", "I'm Too Sexy", "Love Will Never Do Without You", "The King of Wishful Thinking", "Nothing Compares 2 U" (one of my least favorite songs and music videos).

How, most set designers and background artists managed to keep their families fed during this dry period in music video history, I have no idea. I'm sure they were all jumping for joy when Hype Williams came along.