Cops and Robots

In my previous post, I remarked about how the the upcoming Fox series, "Almost Human", which takes place in a near future where police officers are partnered with advanced androids has a passing resemblance to the intentionally terrible fictional show "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E." that Joey briefly starred on in "Friends". After doing a little bit of research since then, I was surprised to discover that there have been at least three network TV series based around the seemingly novel concept of a buddy cop show featuring a a human officer being partnered with a robot.

Unfortunately for "Almost Human" the unsuccessful history of these cop/robot shows does not bode well for its own future prospects, as none of them made it through an entire season. Like the scene in "Robocop 2" where the OCP scientists present a series of failed attempts at creating a new Robocop, every one of these prior series have been utter failures, only varying in degrees of awfulness. If "Almost Human" meets the same fate as these previous shows, they just may have to add another rule to the Three Laws of Robotics: A robot may never have a successful network series when teamed up with a human cop.

Holmes & Yo-Yo

Detective Alexander Holmes, who apparently has a knack for getting his partners injured, is assigned a new partner Gregory "Yo-Yo" Yoyonivich. Holmes soon finds out that Yo-Yo is actually the police department's new top secret android crime fighting machine; hilarity supposedly ensues. The original cop/robot buddy show, "Holmes and Yo-Yo" ran on ABC for 13 episodes during the 1976-77 season. Based on the the intro and a random episode it would appear that the show was written as a broad wacky comedy. This high concept, low brow mess is pretty terrible, like 1983-84 NBC season terrible. It actually came in at 33 on TV Guide's 50 Worst Shows of All Time list. Much of the humor derives from Yo-Yo's intermittent failures in understanding human nature and idioms and sight gags from his frequent malfunctions. The whole thing comes off as a bizarre mix between "Dragnet" and "Small Wonders". I could see it possibly being somewhat successful as a children's show but by the late 70's there really wasn't much of a demand for such gimmicky silliness in prime time. Also, if the police department was going to develop this highly advanced robot crime fighter, why would they give it such a schlubby looking body?

Future Cop

Apparently ABC went slightly mad with the concept of robot cop shows during the 1976-77 season since, in addition to airing the genre defining "Holmes & Yo-Yo", ABC later premiered the lazily named "Future Cop". The show does seem to be more of a straight action drama with the sci-fi angle of another secret robot police officer partner. Ernest Borgnine looks a bit too old to be here but he always brings special charm to whatever role he's given. John Amos seems to be in full token black guy mode ("man, that's the fastest white boy I've ever seen") as his other partner. As for the robot, Haven, it would seem a lot more believable that it would look like a young, fit, rookie cop than Yo-Yo's goofy appearance. There wasn't much else I found out about the series, I think a lot of the non-crime story line revolved around Borgnine keeping Haven's secret from Amos and others on the force. The series lasted for all of 7 episodes on ABC and for 1 episode on NBC after it was moved and retooled as "The Cops and Robins" (that promo has a baffling amount of adjectives for a 20 second spot!).

Mann & Machine

Just when everybody thought that Cop/Robot series had gone the way of disco, Dick Wolf and company comes along in 1992 and for nine episodes reactivated the genre with the aptly titled "Mann & Machine". For a show that aired in the 90s, there is hardly any evidence of the series available online. I think the whole of it is this crude video of the intro (utilizing the most cutting edge early 90s TV title graphics technology). The show's premise seemed pretty straightforward and free of any ridiculous gimmicks from the past shows; maverick human cop (Mann) and straight laced female robot cop partner (Eve) team up to solves crimes in the future. Making the robot a female, and a sexy one at that, (a young Yancy Butler in her first major role) seemed like a good decision and it added an extra layer of potential romantic tension between the leads. There seems to be more depth to the characters as Eve is continually learns and develops human understanding and emotions. Apparently in the penultimate episode Eve even gets placed in charge of an infant which activates unexpected maternal feelings within her. This show would appear to be the most similar to the upcoming "Almost Human".

Robo. Cop.

This past week was the network TV upfronts. For those of you not familiar with the term, it's the time of the year (the third week of May) when the major networks announce their prime time schedules for the upcoming year,what new shows that have been picked up, what existing shows have been reordered (welcome back "Community"), what existing shows that have been cancelled (so long "Smash"): so advertisers can decide where to buy commercial airtime. I guess if you're the odd sort that's really into network TV programming it's like a mini-Super Bowl for you.

I read an article about Fox's upfront announcement of an order of four new drama series for next season. One of those series "Almost Human" caught my attention:

From Emmy Award-winning executive producer J.J. Abrams and creator/executive producer J.H. Wyman and starring Karl Urban, Michael Ealy and Emmy Award nominee Lili Taylor, ALMOST HUMAN (working title) is an action-packed police drama set 35 years in the future, when police officers are partnered with highly evolved human-like androids. An unlikely connection is forged when a cop with an aversion to robots and a robot with unexpected emotional responses investigate cases in a brave new world.

So basically it's like "Alien Nation" except you replace the alien hating human cop and his new alien partner with a robot hating human cop and his new android partner. A buddy cop series with a human and a robot teaming up to solve crimes, now where have I seen that before...

Now I imagine the actual series is going to be a bit more polished and not terrible, but I think it would be cool if J.J. Abrams just decided "fuck it, let's make this as ridiculous as possible. This'll make 'Short Circuit 2' look like cinéma vérité!"

Bonus question: What did C.H.E.E.S.E. stand for? Because I certainly cannot be bothered to look it up.

Crunchy Numbers: Birthday Edition

Now that all the mild hullabaloo over my 29th birthday had dissipated, I can now go back to the business of quietly dying slowly of old age. Before I close the book on another public acknowledgement of my birth, I thought I'd throw out some hastily prepared, random numbers regarding all the birthday greetings I received. I didn't feel like messing with PowerPoint to crank out some hideous chart of teal shades this year. Had I the infinite time and actual talent maybe I could have tarted them up into a visually pleasing "The Oatmeal"-esque info-graphic but alas I'm just going to drop them in a simple list (you're lucky to even get bold numbers).

Note: Despite the modest numbers these stats were still pretty haphazardly tallied and organized so I would say they're closer to estimates:

• 31 - Birthday greetings written on my time line. It's one more than last year so it would appear I am stagnating in terms of Facebook friendships.
• 20 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with one exclamation point. Not much variation this year in terms of punctuation. Are we getting set in our ways as we get older?
• 3 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with two exclamation points.
• 1 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with three or more exclamation points. Indicates a distinct lack of manic enthusiasm.
• 5 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with no punctuation at all.
• 2 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with a period.
• 2 - Facebook message greetings. Facebook messages always get lost in the communication mix, more personal than a wall post but not quite as personal as a text message or possibly even an email. 
• 3 - Emails with a birthday greeting.
• 5 - Automatic emails from random forums and websites I signed up for years ago that still remember me and send my crappy discounts. You'll never be alone on your birthday if you give a website your date of birth.
• 3 - Text message birthday greetings.
• 5 - In person birthday wishes. These were limited since I never told anyone at work that it was my birthday.
• 2 - Phone call birthday greetings. What a novelty!
• 1 - Alleged "gift" being mailed to me. 
• 1 - Early birthday greeting.
• 3 - Belated birthday greetings.
• 2 - Birthday greetings that were sent from abroad, to the best of my knowledge.
• 6 - Birthday greeting that were variations on me being old.

Alas, no singing telegrams or skywriting, perhaps for the 30th...

Saturday Night Baseball

Baseball Dreams by senatork

When Ken Griffey Jr abruptly retired in the middle of the 2010 MLB season, in addition to marking the end of a Hall of Fame career, it also marked the end of the last active player that guest starred in the 1992 all time classic Simpsons episode "Homer at the Bat". The squad of major league ringers Mr. Burns assembled to play for the plant softball team contained an absolutely amazing collection of Hall of Famers, MVPs, and All-Stars.

When the likely retirement of another former Red, Scott Rolen (who as of now remains a free agent for the 2013 season), becomes official, it will also mark the end of the last active player that guest starred in the above, not so classic "Baseball Dreams" sketch from the Helen Hunt hosted December 13, 1997 episode of Saturday Night Live. Although, by virtue of the obvious needs of the sketch, the group of MLB talent assembled pales in comparison to "Homer at the Bat", it does surpass the former in terms of sheer numbers and depth of players.

The sketch itself is a simplistic one note affair and actually isn't all that funny. The whole thing would have been fairly forgettable if it weren't for the impressive drop ins from all the random major league players comprising a sort of bizarre tableau of mediocre to good late 90s baseball talent. I am utterly fascinated by the casting and wished I knew what kind of behind the scenes machinations when into getting everyone for this sketch. Since the premise of the sketch required a gradual decline in quality of players from the best to the worst, I would say that casting this sketch may have been more difficult than the Simpsons who had the narrower task of just rounding up superstars. To make the sketch work SNL had to pick an accurate sample of unheralded everyday pros, veterans, journeymen, and not yet established youngsters. So how did they end up with these 15 players from 9 different teams? Was there some player's union event going on in NY at the time or did they specifically fly everyone in for this one bit? Did any of the players being introduced in the bottom half know that they were supposed to be viewed as relative scrubs?

Breaking down the lineup in order of appearance:

Todd Hundley - Since the first player to appear is supposed to be a "star" that Danny would be excited to meet, the former Mets backstop was an ideal selection. First off he's part of the local team  and he had just come off his second consecutive All-Star year in 1997. Prior to that in 1996 he set the single season record for home runs by a catcher with 41. These two years were by far his best stretch in an otherwise good but not great career. Additionally, Hundley comes off as a pretty decent actor (it's a relative distinction since the whole sketch is a master class in wooden line delivery), which maybe why the writers gave him more lines.

Scott Rolen - The aforementioned Rolen is a nice progression. He had an impressive Rookie of the Year winning season playing 3B for the Phillies in 1997. Overall, Rolen had by far the best career out of all the players featured. His supporters would have an unlikely but not laughable argument for his induction into the Hall of Fame. His comic timing however could use a lot of work.

Mark Wohlers - Wohlers had just completed his third successful year as the Braves closer, racking up 33 saves in 1997 for another first place Atlanta team. He was an All-Star the year before so we're still in the realm of quality players. He is by far the best actor of the bunch and he seems to have been given the most lines because of it. From a historic perspective, his calling Danny a "fag" predate future Braves closer John Rocker's infamous politically incorrect Sports Illustrated interview in 1999. Unfortunately for Wohlers, he suffered a psychological block the following season that rendered him unable to control his pitches (the dreaded Steve Blass disease), essentially  derailing his career. Could the stress of his cameo on SNL have been responsible?

Marty Cordova and Jeff Fassero - Now we start to get players introduced in waves. Marty Cordova was still considered a potential star, he was AL Rookie of the Year in 1995 and had a career year in 1996. His injury plagued 1997 would be more representative of the rest of his career. He only gets one line. Jeff Fassero on the other hand is the worst performer of the whole bunch, his introduction of the next group of guys is particularly robotic; also it appears he can't be bothered to wear a full uniform (pretty sloppy Fassero). Baseball wise, 1997 was probably one of his best seasons, he went 16-9 with a 3.61 ERA. He is the oldest player of the bunch at 34, but he managed to outlast many of the other others, hanging around until 2006 and retiring at 43.

Gregg Jefferies, Rondell White, and Mark Grudzielanek - At this point Danny doesn't want or care about any more ballplayers, particularly Expos. Greg Jefferies was a serviceable outfielder for the Phillies at this point in his career, which was clearly on the downturn. He did fine as the spokesmen of the trio. CF Rondell White actually had probably his best year for the Expos in 1997. He may have one of the shorter lines but I thought he nailed it. Expos 2B Mark Grudzielanek also had himself a fine 1997 (apparently he led the league in doubles with 54) and was a year removed from an All-Star appearance. I feel White and Grudzielanek could have moved up above Cordova and Fassero but their lack of exposure playing for a fading Expos franchise (both of them don't even have full uniforms, White is just in a t-shirt for crying out loud) held them back. At least Grudzielanek got his choice moment with Helen Hunt ("I'm Mark Grudzielanek"), despite the lack of audience response I thought it was one of the funnier moments.

Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd - One of the all time great baseball journeymen, Todd Zeile was entering the middle part of his career which would lead to him eventually playing for 11 different teams before he was through. At the time he had just finished up a productive full season as the Dodgers third baseman. A young Cliff Floyd was still a year away from begining his productive years as a full time OF, however he was the only person there from the then current World Series champions, the Marlins. Both Zeile and Floyd get minimal lines, though I appreciate Floyd's efforts to sell "where's the food". Russ Davis had just finished his first of three aggressively decent years as the Mariners' starting third baseman (a lot of representation for the hot corner in this sketch). He is one of three players who don't even get a single line in.

David Howard and Mike Sweeney - Poor Howard and Sweeney don't get any lines to introduce themselves or even adequate face time. Howard was just a unassuming utility player who fit well at this point in the sketch. Sweeney was just an underutilized young catcher and DH, however he would break out in 1999 and would go on to have great stretch for the Royals in the early 00s as their first baseman, making 5 All-Star teams in 6 years. Interesting fact, according the records Howard and Sweeney were teammates on the Royals in 1997 and Howard signed with the Cardinals as a free agent on Dec 4, just 9 days before the sketch.

Gerald Williams and Pedro Borbón - Mediocre utility outfielder Gerald Williams seems about right to play one of the final pair, though I think he had a better career than David Howard. Like Howard, Williams changed teams right before the sketch aired. After spending 1997 with the Brewers he was traded on December 11th to the Braves for Chad Fox. His introduction is about as uninspired as his play. Pedro Borbón (son of 70s Reds relief pitcher Pedro Borbón) was an all together forgettable relief pitcher of little consequence, quite apt to be one of the last introduced. I think he was playing up his lack of english abilities, his bio says he went to high school and college in the the US so it's not like he's some fresh off the boat Cuban defector or anything. That said, it was quite believable so perhaps he may be the best performer of all. 

To close I just have a few additional random points to make:

• Helen Hunt has hardly aged at all in the 15 plus years since this sketch aired, amazing.
• What team does Danny actually support? His room contains a confusing collection of both Mets and Yankee pennants plus a poster of Ken Griffey Jr.. Is he some weirdo who considers himself a fan of the game of baseball in general?
• I am surprised that MLB would allow such a sketch to be aired. The main message is that baseball players are all uniformly terrible role models who are preoccupied only with drinking, smoking, girls, and partying; and any positive messages they say are just empty, banal, boilerplate.
• Todd Zeile, Cliff Floyd, and Gerald Williams would all end up playing for the Mets in the 00s. Also Greg Jefferies was a former Met at the time of the sketch.
• As a kid I thought they also trucked in real basketball players for that final punchline.

Charms Blow Pop, Take 2

It's a real shame that I am not ludicrously wealthy. Not just for me personally but for the state of the world in general. Because if I had a massive personal fortune; I'm talking obscene, outrageous money that could finance whatever ridiculous passing fancy that came into my mind, the world would be a more interesting place. Whether it would be a better place would be debatable but it would definitely be a more interesting place.

One project I'd like to tackle with my inexhaustible millions would be to a shot by shot reenactment of this ubiquitous Charms Blow Pop commercial from my youth:

I saw this commercial so many times growing up that I can probably write out the script and storyboard it just from memory. It's another one of those silly childhood things that have been so deeply branded into my brain that I'll remember it on my deathbed. Aside from being overplayed, the commercial itself was pretty unique. The whole thing had a sort of meta-behind the curtains angle to it; kids were messing up lines, there was frantic editing, kids were commenting on the commercial as it was going on. I found the whole thing to be quite jarring as a kid. 

The product itself was also pretty awesome. Although I haven't had one in years, growing up it was one of my top 5 candies. The idea of it was so elegant in its simplicity that I wondered why there weren't more copycats. I know Tootsie Roll pops had the tootsie roll center, but that always seemed more like an unfair punishment for getting to the middle rather than a treat. With a Blow Pop you got a solid, flavorful lollipop which was a pretty good deal on its own but then once you got to the middle: BAM! Bubble gum! The gum was only a shade better than Bazooka Joe but still, you were getting gum right after you finished a lollipop! Easy does it, Caligula! Additionally, the taste and mouth feel of that initial first chew where you have the gum mixing in with the thin layer of hard candy is a wholly unique and singular sensation.

So instead of casting a new group of child actors I would like to bring back all the original kids and have them act their roles again as adults; the nerdy kid in the glasses, kid who forgets to say "sour apple" on time, the token black girl, everyone. I think it would be fascinating to see the stark contrast of all the grown up actors acting within the exact some background and direction as the original; a sobering reflection of our lost childhood...or something like that.

2 Points 1 "Cups"

For those of you who don't participate in a pop music charts fantasy league and scan the Hot 100 every week, the current number 59 song on the Billboard Hot 100 charts is "Cups (Pitch Perfect's When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick from the "Pitch Perfect" soundtrack. It is definitely one of the more unusual songs to chart on the Hot 100 in recent memory. There's the obvious novelty of the credited artist being a film actress with no prior singing career. Even odder still is the actual song which is Kendrick's rendition of a roughly 90 second a cappella tune accompanied by a percussion routine involving the titular cups; a viral video that she randomly taught her self and was unexpectedly incorporated in the film. Even with some extra padding the radio version barely goes over 2 minutes. Overall I sort of dig the song. It's short, catchy, and cute, plus Anna Kendrick has a pleasant enough voice. Additionally I find it to be an excellent little button to end a mix CD with, especially if you have around 2 minutes of spare space.

With that being said I have two additional points I wanted to make about the song (and you thought  that title was just for cheap crude humor):

First is the ridiculousness of the recently released music video for the song. The video has nothing to do with the film, which sort of makes sense considering the radio single version is now being released almost a year removed for the actual film soundtrack. The real craziness of this "director's cut" music video is that they manage to stretch an essentially minute and a half long song into a 4:22 video. They use every trick in the book short of adding extra lyrics. There's the extended intro and outro scenes, extended breakdowns, and of course just straight up repetition of the limited verses. It's one of the most impressive displays of padding since "A Night at The Roxbury". On a personal note, that diner in the video looks like my dinning equivalent of hell. I don't think there is a single filled cup in that entire establishment. I'm a fairly demanding restaurant patron when it comes to water and refill service. In fact, it may be the the most important criteria for me when eating out. I think I will forgive sub par food if my glass never goes empty. So to watch this exceptionally poor display of refill service is quite distressing.

Secondly, according to one of those bizarre facts you find casually thrown into a subject's Wikipedia page that you just can't believe, "Cups" is the official song of the 2013 CONCACAF Gold Cup. I had to find another source that corroborated and it appears to be true. For those of you non-soccer fans (i.e. Americans) it's a biyearly soccer championship between the nations of North America, Central America, and the Caribbean; and your guess is as good as mine in figuring out why the organizers decided that this song fit so well with the tournament. I suppose "Pitch Perfect" could also be the name for a soccer movie. I mean are they really pipping this song in at the stadiums to get the crowd psyched? Does the decision process really come down to picking the most prominent contemporary song with the word "cup" in the title (I suppose Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" was too specific)? Did they have to out bid the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs? The Ryder Cup? The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series? I suppose there is past precedent for "cup" related pop songs being incongruously selected as themes for soccer tournaments as was the case for Ricky Martin's "The Cup of Life" being selected as the official song to the 1998 World Cup. Maybe if "Cups" can hold on for another year it can make it to Rio.

Blast From The Past

In the aftermath of a horrible national tragedy like the Boston Marathon bombing earlier this week, initial shock turns to questions of how, why, and particularly who. As the investigation as to the parties responsible for this terrible attack continues I can't help but find myself being reminded of another bomb attack at a prominent sporting event. I am of course referring to the Olympic Park Bombing at the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta.

One of the lasting lessons to be taken away from that whole tragedy is the sad story of Richard Jewell. Jewell as you may recall was a security guard in Olympic Park who first identified the planted pipe bomb. Although the bomb would eventually go off leading to 2 deaths and injuries to over a hundred bystanders, Jewell's initial actions of alerting the police and helping to evacuate the area prevented more harm. Unfortunately for Jewell, it was leaked that the FBI considered him a possible suspect and despite never being officially charged he become all but guilty in court of public opinion. He was sued by victims, unfairly portrayed in the news, mocked by late night; and essentially his life was wrecked.

With time the real bomber was eventually arrested and while Jewell was publicly exonerated by the authorities and received settlements from a bunch of libel suits; it was probably small consolation compared to all the personal grief he had to endure. At least by the time he passed away in 2007 he was properly acknowledged as a hero by the governor of Georgia. So while the search to identify the suspects continue, the media, the internet, and we the public at large should strive to execute a little bit of due diligence before doling out instant judgments (I'm looking at you Reddit).

That being said, while looking up his details I found the totally bananas fact that he made a guest cameo in a 1997 episode of SNL:

It really is as bizarre and awkward as one would expect from an SNL cameo by Richard Jewell. First off, why did they go through all the effort of even getting him on the show? He doesn't really bring anything to the table as a comedic presence and you could see poor Norm McDonald is doing all the heavy lifting. On top of him being a comedic brick wall, the writer's didn't even bother giving him funny lines, just standard yes or no responses like some kind of deposition. They could have slapped a mustache on Darrell Hammond maybe put together a segment that would have been at least semi-humorous. Was this part of the undisclosed settlement between him and NBC? A generous cash payout and quick drop in on Studio 8H? 

Personally I suspect that this was just all part of writing staff's general overarching plan during the Norm McDonald Weekend Update era of giving Norm the worst material possible and seeing how he can try to make it work (that stillborn Ike Turner joke at the end of the clip is a good representative of the period). I mean they start off with a segment based around the inherent humor of the 1996 Olympic Bombing and the trials of a man who become an unwitting victim of the media circus surrounding it, then hilariously throw in some references to the still fresh death of Princess Diana and Mother Teresa (waka, waka!). All I can say about Jewell here is, at least he can take a joke.

Odd as that appearance was, apparently Jewell made another appearance that night in another sketch where he punches Janet Reno as played by Will Ferrell. I couldn't find a clip or picture of the skit but even something as broadly humorous as having the then current Attorney General getting beat up seems funnier than the Weekend Update appearance.

One final note about the episode. I was extra surprised that I didn't remember seeing this cameo on the show considering this was during my late middle school/early high school SNL watching hey days of the late 90s and that the episode he appeared on was the 1997 Sylvester Stallone hosted season premiere. That episode in particular is a favorite of mine and contains among others the "Orange Julius Skit" which I've long since acknowledged I'm obsessed with.