But, Ironhead....

For such an imposing figure with a tough guy reputation and one of the all time greatest NFL nicknames, the late Craig "Ironhead" Heyward had one of the most mediocre 11 year careers a running back could have had in the NFL (4,301 rushing yards, 4.2 ypc, 30 TDs, 1 Pro Bowl). He was basically Jerome Bettis with the numbers of Tyrone Wheatley (his most similar player according to Pro-Football Reference). Try as I might he has never come up as the answer on a single NFL related Sporcle quiz (maybe one day when someone makes a Falcons running backs of the mid 90s quiz). His fan made Youtube "highlight" reel runs barely past a minute and although there are plenty of NES Tecmo Super Bowl clips of contemporary RBs like Bo Jackson and Christian Okoye dominating defenses, the only such clip I could find of Ironhead was him dutifully eating clock for nearly 2 quarters.

While it is quite obvious that Ironhead Heyward was more reputation than actual performance, it is that same tough guy reputation that is actually responsible for, what I think is, his greatest legacy. Perhaps some of the younger folks haven't been around long enough to recall (I even I was pretty young then) but there was a time up to the late 90s in the pre-Axe Body Wash, Queer Eye, metrosexual world where the concept of a man using a body wash was a foreign and strange notion. Nowadays, bath sponges hanging freely and body wash containers lie throughout male inhabited showers all across America but this humbling of the mighty bar that once dominated the showers didn't happen overnight, it took the concentrated efforts of marketers and manufacturers.

At the forefront of this shower room sea change was Zest Body Wash who in an effort to dispel the image of body washes being dainty and unmanly went to a pitchman whose public image was the complete antithesis, enter Ironhead. Anyone who watched a decent amount of TV in the mid to late 90s remembers the ubiquitous series of spots (I remember they were on all the time during wrestling) where an angry, towel draped, pre-shower, Ironhead challenged the viewer to put aside all their preconceptions and try a round with Zest, aggressively attacking any reservations in the viewers' minds ("What's with this thingy?") of bathing with a body wash. The message was clear, if Zest Body Wash provided a better clean and was macho enough for surly NFL power backs when it was good enough for the average guy. This approach, along with Axe's well documented "this body wash will literally make women insane for you" advertising contributions essentially created the men's body wash market we know today. Interestingly Old Spice Body Wash's current campaign follows the exact blueprint of the old Zest ads (former/current NFL players in the shower aggressively asserting the manly effectiveness of their product) with a slightly surrealist bent.

So while it's highly unlikely that Ironhead Heyward will get that bust in Canton, if they ever make some sort of crazy pitchman Hall of Fame, his contributions in the field of personal hygiene product marketing would guarantee him a place right next to the Hathaway Shirt Man and Dos Equis Guy.

It's on like Donkey Kong!

You could probably mark it sometime around the beginning of last year's NFL season, the moment in time when Peyton Manning's media exposure hit its critical mass. While it had been steadily growing for a few years prior, a Mastercard commercial here, a United Way PSA there, things really began to pick up steam after he cemented his legacy by getting past the Patriots and beating the Bears to finally win his illusive Super Bowl. After that things really started to spiral completely out of hand. Eventually the whole family started getting into it and then there was the inevitable "flavor of the week" SNL hosting gig (featuring a sketch so astoundingly pointless and completely lacking in humor that I can't decide if it's the worst or the best sketch I've ever seen). Apparently America just couldn't get enough of that blond, doughy, southern fried, Manning charm. In the end it shouldn't be a big surprise really. Peyton's slightly schlubby, good old boy persona is a far more relatable then his main rival, three time Super Bowl champ Tom Brady with his pretty boy looks, GQ covers, and supermodel girlfriends.

One such commercial from the height of the Manning era was a modest little campaign with his brother Eli for Double Stuff Oreo Cookies. It was definitely not one of the more high profile, high visibility campaigns but it had its charms. The whole set up was pretty simple. In the initial wave of teaser ads Peyton and Eli announce they were becoming two sport athletes in football and a mystery sport that the ads abruptly ends before revealing, with only a random website posted on the screen. In the coming weeks the commercials reveal that the DSRL stands for the Double Stuff Racing League, some sort of competitive Oreo licking professional sport (complete with mascot and referees) that has apparently not caught on with the public. It was a commendably unexpected use of the two stars and the subtle inclusion of the parents and their reactions were a nice touch. On top of that, the DSRL theme was an all time classic; a brilliant synth laden 80s mainstream arena metal pastiche that sounded like a lost Survivor track.

The whole campaign eventually came and went. While I always enjoyed its occasional appearance that year, I'm not sure if it actually got me to buy any more than my usual amount of Double Stuff Oreos that year (zero, that Double Stuff is mad gross). It had its brief moment in the network sun and it appeared to have headed to the resting place for all commercials, YouTube, to be preserved for future generations looking to idly waste time and provide topics for me to write about. However, as it turned out the DSRL returned for another cream lickin' season, with a shocking new development!

The inclusion of the Williams Sisters is a fantastic new development for the DSRL. If you think about, there really is no other competition more perfectly suited for the Manning brothers. With Eli's Super Bowl win last year, even the most vocal critics have to begrudgingly admit that he joins his brother as the two most successful siblings within the four big major sports (apologies to Matt and Tim Hasselbeck and Brian and Marcus Giles). On the other end you have the Williams sisters, who have had a historic run of sibling dominance within womens tennis for roughly a decade. They are classic opposing forces in every manner. It's the guys versus girls, brothers versus sisters, battle of the sexes. You have the most American of sports football, with its celebrated brutality and its war-like formations and attack terminologies against the quintessentially European sport of tennis with its proper etiquette and high brow civility. On top of that you have the unspoken but undeniable tensions of a a racial clash, black versus white; which given the sponsored product and viewed against the backdrop of this parallel historic presidential election becomes more and more apt.

With so much riding on the line, how this epic showdown, of not just two sets of athletes but of the entire representative spectrum of the nation itself, will conclude will sure to be fascinating to observe. Like the 1958 NFL Championship, or Ali-Frazier, or even Wrestlemania III, this titanic match up will undoubtedly help define and establish the league and its lasting legend and mythology will belong to the ages.

I can only wonder how they'll be able to top this next year. Kyle and Kurt Busch? All three Molina brothers?

Darling don't you go and cut your hair.

Among the the many issues that will be discussed by representatives of the 32 teams of the NFL during their off season meeting will be the topic of players' hair length. Apparently there is a proposal on the board for a ban on long hair that goes out beyond their helmet. Players don't have to actually cut their hair but at least tuck it in under their helmets. Its reasoning is safety, to prevent the painful tackles made via hair pulling (or as I'd like to call it "hair collar" tackles) like the one Larry Johnson gave to the flowing locks of Troy Polamalu in 2006. However, I for one am not a supporter.

Frankly this seems like another example of the NFL reaffirming its reputation as the overly stuffy "No Fun League." Not only does the whole thing tread into the uncomfortable territory of dictating personal choices and discriminating against appearances; it further strips away the uniqueness of many of these NFL players. These long haired players are aware of the risks and have probably had an incident or two; so I believe it's a conscious choice on their part to keep their distinctive manes. Plus, it gives personality to a sport where individuality under matching uniforms, pads, and helmets is quite difficult. There's a reason when I made myself into a running back in Madden, I gave him a set of dreads that puts the Predator to shame. The league has already banned end zone celebrations and enforced strict uniform guidelines, this seems to be one in a line of actions to make NFL teams and players as homogeneous and vanilla as a game of electric football.

I hope that common sense and a call for personal liberties will prevail in striking this measure down. In the meantime here are some of my all time favorite long haired freaky people:

Troy Polamalu

Al Harris

Marion Barber III

R.W. McQuarters

Mike McKenzie

Domata Peko

Robert Gallery

Old School Ricky Williams

Now according to the article, it was the Kansas City Chiefs who originally proposed this new rule, however I would not be surprised if all this was masterminded behind the scenes by certain, jealous, vindictive players...

Hey Man That's Not A Prediction It's a Fact of Life

As many of have already known by now, those unstoppable New England Patriots completed stage one of their mission to cement themselves as the greatest team in NFL history by beating the New York Giants and completing the first perfect season since the 1972 Dolphins. It was an event that was pretty hard to avoid considering all the significance of the game, the hype, the media attention, and not to mention the three network simulcast. All in all it was I believe the most watched televised regular season game in NFL history.

As a testament to the inherent injustice of the universe I myself actually found myself with a free ticket to this historic game, courtesy of a friend with a season ticket holding father who just happened to away this weekend. In light of reports of Patriots fans paying ridiculous Super Bowl scalper prices and the Giants faithful coming out to support a Patriots beat down in the very same stadium that in Week 1 they were found to be disgraced, video taping cheaters, I was pretty low on the depth chart in terms of people who actually wanted to see this game. I would have been more content with just playing Madden at home and catching the scores afterward.

These were two teams that I really disliked. As a Buffalo Bills fan I could never forgive the Giants for their dumb luck Super Bowl XXV victory off of Scott Norwood's infamous wide right kick. Also living in North Jersey you get more than your fair share of jerk ass Giants fans all who also seem to synonymously love the Yankees (the most evil organization in all of professional sports). Of course my hatred of the Patriots is much in the vein of rest of the country outside of the New England area: their suspected cheating, their evil genius head coach, their arrogance, their relentless perfection, etc., etc. It'd be like rooting for Cobra Kai in Karate Kid, or the Hawks in the Mighty Ducks, or Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Adding to that default disdain was also the fact that they, being our division rivals, had beaten us twice this year to a combined score of 94-17.

So you could see I was torn as to who to root for. It was a decision I wrestled with all through the 6 plus hour tailgating festivities in the parking lot. No matter how many Miller High Life cans I knocked back or how many hamburgers, hot dogs, nachos, I consumed it was a tough call. As we all finally finished up and made that long march across the parking lots into the stadium amidst the sea of jerseys and hooded sweatshirts I realized there was only one cutting the Goridan knot solution that would satisfy me: a tie. I know it's a fairly rare occurrence and something both teams would probably no everything to avoid, but it was the only logical way that both my goals of disappointing both teams and their obnoxious fan bases would be accomplished. A tie would technically be a blemish on the perfect season of the Pats while at the same time leaving a bad taste in the mouth of the Giants fans. As everyone knows by now, the Giants fell a field goal and a futile overtime short of achieving my ultimate goal, so here were some other personal observations from the game...in easy to swallow bullet form!

• Actually this was one the way to the game, but my friend and I saw on the exit to the stadium a large billboard for Citizen Watches featuring an especially intense looking Eli Manning and the words "Unstoppable" (it was basically this ad except without a picture of a watch). The notion of anyone calling Eli Manning "unstoppable" had us laughing until we got to the gate.
  
• At the beginning of the game the video screens showed clips of the famous Dec 13, 1998 game between the Giants and the Denver Broncos where the Giants, led by career jobber QB Kent Graham, ruined the Broncos perfect season in week 15. This instance of past precedent in standing in the way of perfection gave me undue optimism that the Giants might pull off the upset. It also reminded me how old WR Amani Toomer was.
• I counted at least three fights alone in the general area where I was sitting. The smattering of Drunken Masshole Pat fans and drunken Jersey Giants fans made for more tension than the Smiths.
• During a lull in the game the video screens showed a top 5 countdown of Giants Season Finales. Former Giants star RB Tiki Barber (who abruptly retired in his prime at the end of last season and became a host on the Today Show) was featured on two of them. A healthy chorus of boos erupted every time. That's NY sports for ya.
• I predicted before hand that if Patriots WR Wes Welker had at least 10 receptions in the game the Patriots were going to win (He had 11 for 122 yards). Of all the superstars on the Pats, I firmly believe he is the absolute key to beating them. I mean how many drives has he kept alive this season with his hella cheap first down catches?
  
• When the Giants went up 28-16 in the 3rd quarter you could tell by the reaction what kind of fans were who. Most young Giants fans were overflowing with optimism, most Patriots fans were still fairly confident but starting to get a little nervous, and true long time Giants fans were glad to have the lead but were already expecting the worse.
• The Dane Cook doppelganger with the backwards Giants hat that sat next to me kept expecting high fives and fist bumps from me every time the Giants scored, forced a punt, got a first down, drank Gatorade. At first it was just an annoying hassle but as the Giants started to flail towards the end of the game, I kinda missed it.
• In an ocean of current stars (Manning, Brady, Burress, Moss, etc.) and former stars (Simms, Taylor, Carson, etc.) it was quite a sight to see the guy three rows ahead of me sporting a 18 Jeff Feagles jersey honoring the 41 year old Giants punter (and all time NFL punts leader).
• If the Giants were going to lose, it really should have been in some sort of massive blow out loss so we could have beaten the traffic home. The worst possible scenario is a close loss which gives us the fans the lovely consolation prize of bumper to bumper immobile parking lot traffic.
  

For the G-Men I predict a standard fare first round exit by the hands of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This will most likely preserve coach Coughlin's job for another year and insure a future of perpetual adequateness with no actual breakout success. For that team of destiny from New England, I can only hope that somebody in the AFC (I'm thinking the Colts, or the dangerous Chargers) can must up enough perfection on their own to stop these magnificent bastards. Ayn Rand might be all for the objective success of this extraordinary team, but somebody needs to bring them down that notch and make them just another good team, before it's too late.