Just What I Needed

In another sign o' the economic times, the number 2 consumer electronics retailer in the country, Circuit City, filed for bankruptcy protection just the other day. Objectively this bit of economic news appears to be another depressing example of the financial crisis gripping this country as we head towards what will most likely be an exceptionally dour Christmas season (think Merle Haggard's "If We Make It Through December"). However, let it be said that there is always a silver lining in the most pessimistic of situations. A possible dissolution of the Circuit City corporation would essentially guarantee that they will never again air those commercials featuring "Just What I Needed" by the Cars.

I know that it has been a few years since those once ubiquitous ads terrorized the nation. In fact, there has been such a movement in the past years to forget that dark chapter in the history of advertising that I couldn't even find a single historical copy of the ad (the closest approximation I could locate was this amateur parody). However for those of us who lived through those unspeakable horrors, the nightmare lingers. Even today, what should be the Cars' finest moment and a pinnocle example of late 70s American New Wave, is forever tainted in my mind by the lasting legacy of those ads. When that distinctive guitar chord kicks off the song, I still for a split second expect some goober to be enthusatically talking about the wide selection of HP Compaq laptops available. While time has done its best to nurse the wounds, the scars will always remain.

So as this recession continues on and the number of corporations start falling like the leaves of autumn, you can atleast take some solice in the almost divine retribution being delivered on many of the guilty companies for their past sins of ineffective, irritating, overplayed, advertising that forever ruined our favorite pop songs. For example, with the current state of the ailing American automtive industry, I think we're in the clear against anymore "Our Country" ads. Unfortunately foreign automakers like Toyota are still posting relatively positive gains.

Are there any other offending companies that you think are really asking for a bitch slap from the invisible hand?

10 trillion to midnight

The current Victor's signs of the financial apocalypse series turns its sights to the National Debt Clock in Time Square. Since 1989, this billboard sized display constantly updated a series of numerical displays to show the current state of U.S. national debt and how much each family owed. I remember as a little kid driving through Manhattan with my father and asking him what all the increasing numbers meant. Being the lovable sadist that he was, he told me that it was some sort of scientific dooms day clock and when all the numbers reached 9, the world would end. As the case with most eight year olds, after hearing this news I promptly freaked out.

Now about 16 years later, Brian Williams mentions with his trademark gravitas that perhaps my father's cruel lie might not have been all that off.

Remember, this is without factoring in that $700 billion or so I.O.U. the government took out. Can you believe that there was actually a time in 2000, when they had to shut it off because the debt actually started to go backwards? Doesn't that just fill you with an overwhelming sense of melancholy nostalgia for the waning days of the Clinton years, NSYNC's "No Strings Attached", the high flying "The Greatest Show on Turf" St. Louis Rams, and Pets.com; a time when the only thing that crashed was your new copy of Windows Me.

One day we'll look back at this and laugh...OR CRY!

You know you doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market...

Well with the ongoing financial crisis now spreading throughout many of the global markets, a crippling, long term global recession may be the final climax of the eight year disaster movie known as the Bush administration (ironically enough, one of the few countries that appear to be apparently immune this: Iraq). Frankly, I don't even know why both major party candidates are working so hard to get elected. With all these things going south it's sort of like going out of your way to the next Oakland Raiders coach.

While it'll definitely be a while down the line before we see how bad things really get or how much they'll improve, or whether all those government billions really did anything, for me things are looking pretty grim. The single greatest signal for me that the soup lines and shanty are closer than we think? Jim Cramer is no longer mad.

Imagine how much trouble the markets must be in where Jim freakin' Cramer, the raging bull, a guy who's whole job is to provide advice on investing in the stock market is telling everybody to completely throw in the towel, give up on buying and holding stocks, and literally take all their money out of the stock market! He looks like he's just a step away from breaking down and sobbing in the tender arms of Anne Curry. I'm not sure what sound the button on his little soundboard makes for "liquidate your portfolio". By the end of the day it was apparent that the market reacted expectedly to this hot little stock tip.

It looks like they'll have to change the show from Mad Money to Sad Money (and yes about 90% of the reason for making this entry was to write that).

Random Outdated, But Still Eerily Relevant SNL Sketch : Reliable Investments

Well, after buckling down, ordering in Chinese, and knocking back some Jolt Cola, Congressional leaders hammered out a sweeping proposed bailout deal to possibly stem the ominous US financial crisis. Unfortunately, when it came down to a vote Monday morning, the House immediately...balked, leading to all the runners advancing. And by "all the runner advancing" I mean "the single one day drop in the stock market ever."

While the remainder of my game show winnings are safely locked up in relatively secure government bonds, diamonds, and gold coins locked in a giant monolith to greed; I have to wonder when this little economic adjustment will end up causing me to comically wear barrels for clothing. In the mean time, I remembered an obscure little SNL commercial parody during one of Alec Baldwin's 130th or so hosting appearance, from all the way back in the 2000-2001 season; a dig at the state of the US economy post-9/11. It's funny because it's true!

Also, while we're on the topic of oddly prophetic comedy from the turn of the new millennium, here's a golden oldie, courtesy of the Onion, from the January of 2001. I think it's safe to say that, despite whoever becomes president in November, the USA's in for a rebuilding year.

On the Lighter Side...

If you haven't noticed already, since the week began, the US economy has had a bit of a hiccup. While all these big numbers and gloomy outlooks seem ominous, I for one am not all that concerned. Life has gone on fairly uneventfully for me this week and I predict that there won't be much change from that. When the collapse of our investment institutions and economic shock waves from the toxic home mortgage market finally trickles all the way down to me and makes my Wendy's Dollar Menu go up, that's when I'll start writing to my congressman (you're on notice Steve Rothman-D).

One big side effect of this little financial episode (aside from all the people losing their jobs and savings) was that this week has been the golden age of stock "Wall Street/Business News " footage. Never again (well until the next financial crisis) will we see such a prolific display of all the classic B-roll "economic trouble" footage, in television and print; classics like: forlorn floor traders, or people walking out with boxes, or people standing in front of the logos of their troubled businesses. The only images more timeless then the business trouble ones are the "obesity in America" anonymous fat people shots. I have to believe there has to have been at least one incident where someone decided to take stock of their life and start eating right and exercising regularly after recognizing their fat faceless ass on a news report about the rise in heart disease.

All this actually reminds me of a totally overlooked but one of the more chuckle worthy SNL sketches of the past five years (and Lord knows the laughs are few and far between). And for all those people out there who are still concerned about their fiscal futures, here's my can't fail secret for assured financial security.