That Borgnine Guy

I just realized that it has been a little over a year since classic Hollywood actor Ernest Borgnine passed away. For me it was one of the sadder celebrity deaths of the past decade. Sure, he was 95 but it weirdly felt like he left too soon. From all appearances he was still pretty sharp and he was still working regularly (perhaps there was some validity to his personal "secret" to staying young). I just assumed that he would always be around, just popping up in random roles on TV, usually playing a lovable, smiling, old guy.

In addition to being one of my all time favorite actors, Borgnine's guest cameo on the Simpsons' 5th season classic, "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" is in my top tier of Simpsons guest cameos. In fact, his first appearance in the episode is my all time favorite introductory scene of any guest star on the show.

The mere 20 seconds from when Ned addresses poor Warren to when the children cheer the arrival Mr. Borgnine contains at least six points of humor:

• First there's the initial reveal that Warren's father can't make it to the father/son Junior Campers rafting trip because he's in prison. 
• At the announcement of a special celebrity dad being assigned, Warren tries to offer his older brother as a substitute; which Flanders promptly writes off. 
• It's revealed that the "celebrity" is Ernest Borgnine; a choice that's equal parts random and brilliant. 
• Borgnine then makes his big entrance out of the adjacent bathroom, indicating that he's been in there the whole time. I also love the additional detail of him still wiping his hands and then just balling up the paper towel and casually tossing it aside. 
• Borgnine then mentions how he assumes this room full of 8 year olds would know him best for his early role as Sgt. "Fatso" Judson from the 1953 Best Picture winner "From Here to Eternity" (in reality a contemporary room full of 8 year old would probably know him best from his voice work as Mermaid Man on "SpongeBob SquarePants"). On a personal note, for years I could have sworn he said "the lovable Sgt. 'Fatso' Judson" which would have been extra ridiculous considering the character is a sadistic villain in the film.
• After Borgnine makes his introduction, the scene ends with all the kids (with the notable exception of Bart and Warren who wonderfully maintain their respective expressions of bewilderment and unhappiness throughout the whole scene) inexplicably bursting into cheers.

The whole brief sequence is a fantastic example of the amazing attention to detail and density of jokes that made the "classic era" of the show so acclaimed and memorable. Killer stretches like this were just routinely being throw out by the show week after week for most of that first decade and it was all the more sweeter that the great Ernest Borgnine got to be a small part of it.

Double Threats

Those of you who follow the Billboard Hot 100 every week (and of course who doesn't?) will have no doubt noticed that quirky little hit that just won't quit "Cups (Pitch Perfect's When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick from the movie "Pitch Perfect" has made it all the way to an astounding #10 on the charts. Now those of you who follow this blog (and of course who doesn't?) will recall that I posted about my strange fascination with the song in April back when it was at #59 on the charts; which I had thought at the time was equally unbelievable. Despite the movie having been released in September of last year, this unusual tune just keeps on steadily climbing up the charts for one reason or another. Apparently this latest surge was due to the premiere of the film on HBO. Also, I'm sure Billboard's recent move towards counting Youtube views didn't hurt them either.

That being said, I started to wonder if there were any other cases of an Academy Award nominated actor/actress (from the four major acting categories) with a top ten hit in the modern Billboard era to their credit. So I spent the better part of the end of work last Friday thinking up and checking out possible nominees.There were a bunch of nominees/winner that came to mind who were originally successful musical artists (I think they've all had at least a #1 hit) that also successfully dabbled in acting: Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin, Diana Ross, Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand, Cher, and Will Smith (who I guess is now primarily an actor at this point). I didn't count them.

Then there were a few notable borderlines cases. Best actress winner Gwyneth Paltrow had an Adult Contemporary #1 with her cover of "Crusin" with Huey Lewis in 2000 and just missed when the Glee Cast's "Forget You",which she was a featured artist, topped out at #11 on the Hot 100 in 2010. Dan Aykroyd (would you believe he got a best supporting actor nomination for "Driving Miss Daisy"?) was technically part of charity super group USA for Africa of the chart topping "We Are The World" fame, but I don't think it's fair to count charity singles (this also disqualifies Oscar winner Jeff Bridges who was part of Artists for Haiti which took "We Are The World 25 for Haiti" to #2 in 2010. I assume the lack of Dan Aykroyd this time around caused it to stall at #2). To his credit Aykroyd did have a #1 album with the Blues Brothers and their cover of "Soul Man" was a #14 hit. UK #1's also don't count for Oscar winner Nicole Kidman who had one with a duet of "Somethin' Stupid" with Robbie Williams in 2001 and nominee Telly Savales whose insane, Shatner-esque spoken word cover of Bread's "If" somehow was a chart topper in 1975.

This leaves five actors that I believe fit my requirements. Two time nominee John Travolta had a #10 hit with "Let Her In" in 1976 and of course "You're the One That I Want" with Olivia Newton-John from Grease was a #1 in 1978. Best actor winner Jamie Foxx probably has the most successful music career for someone that is primarily an actor. He as two featured #1's ("Gold Digger" with Kanye West in 2005 and "Slow Jamz" with Twista featuring Kanye West in 2005) in addition to two top 10 hits of his own ("Unpredictable" at #8 in 2005 and "Blame It" at #2 in 2009). Eddie Murphy's lone top 10 hit "Party All the Time" in 1985 came 22 years before his Oscar nomination for "Dream Girls" in 2007. Then you get to two personal favorites of mine. Two time nominee, the late Richard Harris and his gloriously ridiculous #2 hit from 1968 "MacArthur Park". And then there's legendary character actor Walter Brennan who won a record three Best Supporting Actor Oscars between 1936 to 1940, including the first one ever given, whose single "Old Rivers", an old timey mostly spoken word story song, bafflingly reached #5 in 1962.

Kudos to you Anna Kendrick, you're in some distinguish, and strange, company.

Victor's Ultimate Birthday "Meh"-ga Mix '13

You heard the best, now hear the rest! Yes, unfortunately, it is once again time to break out Victor's Ultimate Birthday "Meh"-ga Mix for 2013. I suppose one positive that can be drawn from this year's batch is that it's only 8 as opposed to the usual 10. I thought about upping the quota to three tracks per mix but that would have been needlessly critical.

Every year when I put together the "worst of" I struggle to really make a consistent determination between memorable terribleness and the forgettable mediocrity. Is it better to be a fiasco than just boring? It's a tough distinction; a distinction made even tougher when the mixes don't contain glaring examples of either kind. Sure every once in a while there'll be a track that just does not jibe with me at all and it's an easy call (difficult post-punk is often a strong bet). However, most of the time the cuts are tough. I mean by the inflexible cruel rules of the "Meh"-ga Mix it is impossible to have a perfect mix. Even if I loved every song two tracks have to be sacrificed in the name of parity.

Harsh, but we all know we look forward to it every year.

Victor's Ultimate Birthday Mega Mix '13

Just when you had all but given up hope after it didn't arrive at the start of June, Victor's Ultimate Birthday Mega Mix finally returns for 2013! Various factors came together to cause the extra long release delay this year including a late birthday party, a certain tardy mix contributor (for privacy sake, let's call her "Lisa B."...No that's too obvious..uuh let's say "L. Berlin"), and of course the 17 year return of the cicadas. Additionally this year's edition will be a bit shorter, exactly 1/5th to be exact, since one of my usual contributing friends was unavailable.

So there you have it, longer wait with less content, thanks Obama!

Seriously though, this was another solid batch of tunes. In fact, the selection process was the most difficult for me yet. This either means the quality has gone up across the board or that I've started to become less choosy in my old age. Still, thanks to everyone that participated. Making a good mix is a time intensive task and I am always appreciative when someone takes that time to make one for me. The period after my birthday where I get all these new tracks to listen through as I commute to the office is one of the real highlights of my year (I had to break out the old portable CD player this time since I commute by public transportation now). I hope to see another round of mixes next year from you guys and anyone else who wants to throw their disc in the ring.

Oh and in case you thought I was getting soft and sentimental in my old age, the 2013 edition of the "worst of" mix will become arriving soon enough.

News & Views

Norm MacDonald's Larry King impression during his stint on SNL wasn't all that good in terms of technical proficiency (since Norm a handful of other SNL players have done more detailed impressions most notably Fred Armisen in recent years), but then again none of his celebrity impressions were all that good, that's what made them awesome. While straight impressionists like Phil Hartman or Darrell Hammond took pride and won acclaim for the accuracy of their impersonations; Norm's characters were great because they were just variations on his idiosyncratic style. For me Norm's versions of Bob Dole or Burt Reynolds (aka Turd Ferguson) with all their inherent Norm-ness come off as far more interesting and funny than had they been done with an emphasis on accuracy.

Norm's sketches as Larry King aren't that well known or numerous. In fact, as far as I can tell, he only performed as Larry King on the May 17, 1997 Jeff Goldblum hosted episode and again on the October 23, 1999 show which he had returned to host (one of the greatest opening monologues I've ever seen where he triumphantly trashes the show for bringing him to host despite firing him a year and a half prior for not being funny). As for the sketches themselves they were just these short ads promoting Larry King's "News & Views" column in USA Today. Norm as Larry would just shoot off a series of short viewpoints ranging from the absurdly obvious to the ridiculously non sequitur, previews of the kind of viewpoints one would apparently get from his column, from his desk towards random cameras  (here's a just an audio version).

Based on their inherent weirdness and delivery of the jokes, I would bet that these sketches were conceived and written by Norm himself. What I really find fascinating about these sketches are how eerily the random viewpoints he spits out sound like twitter posts. The whole thing comes off as if he's reading outloud his daily roll of twitter updates one after the other ("Red wine is a terrific wine, but so is white wine!", "Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired - of the Special Olympics?"). Had this sketch been done a decade later, it'd likely be an ad prompting people to follow his twitter account and have him typing away on a Macbook; perhaps some sort of joke about hashtags. The more I think about it, these series of sketches could may well be the primordial ancestors of modern twitter humor.

And of course since this is the internet and whatever esoteric thought or unique notion you have has been previously thought of as well by someone who has way more free time than you; while researching for this post I came across an actual fake twitter account "King's News & Views" which provide a constant stream of parody Larry King viewpoints.

Domo Arigato Buster Roboto

Like nearly all my more time sensitive blog postings, I would have liked to have written this up earlier but hey beggars can't be choosers here at "Victor Sells Out". Let's be happy that I didn't wait so long that it wasn't even worth putting up. Maybe I'll eventually devote a whole month to all my severely belated postings (that eulogy for Horshack is almost approaching a year).

So in anticipation of the much hyped return of a new season of a certain critically acclaimed though ratings challenged Fox comedy from the mid aughts on Netflix, I went ahead and caught myself up on the previous 3 seasons of "Arrested Development". Truth be told, I was never all that into the show when it aired and I only become at best a casual fan during its hiatus. I have to admit I didn't even finish watching most of the third season before last month. I liked it, I definitely admire it as an achievement in televised comedy, but I didn't love it like most of my other friends and people I know. Actually this is probably why I, watching this new Netflix season, don't feel all that let down or disappointed as some fans who were working under the massive weight expectations based on their devotion to the first 3 seasons. Having watched about half the season, it's pretty good like all the other episodes I've seen; though the plot can get pretty complex at times, also Portia de Rossi does look a little off. That's the whole of my views on the current season.

Going back to my catching up on the show, all this re-exposure to the spastic comedic talents of Tony Hale (Buster Bluth) reminded me of his early role in a popular 1999 Volkswagen commercial (Wow an 8 speaker cassette stereo system...standard!), looking young and kind of like a white version of Abed from "Community" 

That commercial was actually responsible for my first mp3 download, "Mr Roboto" by Styx. While there are a lot of "firsts" I don't recall completely, I do remember most of the details about my first encounter with digital music. Starting out just before the arrival of Napster (and eventually Kazaa), I used the Scour Media Agent from Scout.net of which not much information is left online. Utilizing a 26K dial up modem to download an ambitious nearly 5 minute long song took roughly my entire second semester of high school freshman year. I think I also had to cull some data to find room in my PC's overburdened 2 gig hard drive. I even remember my second mp3 was "We're Not Gonna Take It' by Twisted Sister (I think that was after seeing a "Pop Up Video" of it).

Interestingly enough I believe whatever mp3 copy of "Mr. Roboto" I have on my phone and computer is likely from that original download. I'll have to listen for the one second blip error about halfway through the song to make sure. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I got to the sixth episode of season 3 "The Ocean Walker" and saw the clever little reference to Hale's role in the commercial. It's these little details that really distinguishes the show.

Cops and Robots

In my previous post, I remarked about how the the upcoming Fox series, "Almost Human", which takes place in a near future where police officers are partnered with advanced androids has a passing resemblance to the intentionally terrible fictional show "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E." that Joey briefly starred on in "Friends". After doing a little bit of research since then, I was surprised to discover that there have been at least three network TV series based around the seemingly novel concept of a buddy cop show featuring a a human officer being partnered with a robot.

Unfortunately for "Almost Human" the unsuccessful history of these cop/robot shows does not bode well for its own future prospects, as none of them made it through an entire season. Like the scene in "Robocop 2" where the OCP scientists present a series of failed attempts at creating a new Robocop, every one of these prior series have been utter failures, only varying in degrees of awfulness. If "Almost Human" meets the same fate as these previous shows, they just may have to add another rule to the Three Laws of Robotics: A robot may never have a successful network series when teamed up with a human cop.

Holmes & Yo-Yo

Detective Alexander Holmes, who apparently has a knack for getting his partners injured, is assigned a new partner Gregory "Yo-Yo" Yoyonivich. Holmes soon finds out that Yo-Yo is actually the police department's new top secret android crime fighting machine; hilarity supposedly ensues. The original cop/robot buddy show, "Holmes and Yo-Yo" ran on ABC for 13 episodes during the 1976-77 season. Based on the the intro and a random episode it would appear that the show was written as a broad wacky comedy. This high concept, low brow mess is pretty terrible, like 1983-84 NBC season terrible. It actually came in at 33 on TV Guide's 50 Worst Shows of All Time list. Much of the humor derives from Yo-Yo's intermittent failures in understanding human nature and idioms and sight gags from his frequent malfunctions. The whole thing comes off as a bizarre mix between "Dragnet" and "Small Wonders". I could see it possibly being somewhat successful as a children's show but by the late 70's there really wasn't much of a demand for such gimmicky silliness in prime time. Also, if the police department was going to develop this highly advanced robot crime fighter, why would they give it such a schlubby looking body?

Future Cop

Apparently ABC went slightly mad with the concept of robot cop shows during the 1976-77 season since, in addition to airing the genre defining "Holmes & Yo-Yo", ABC later premiered the lazily named "Future Cop". The show does seem to be more of a straight action drama with the sci-fi angle of another secret robot police officer partner. Ernest Borgnine looks a bit too old to be here but he always brings special charm to whatever role he's given. John Amos seems to be in full token black guy mode ("man, that's the fastest white boy I've ever seen") as his other partner. As for the robot, Haven, it would seem a lot more believable that it would look like a young, fit, rookie cop than Yo-Yo's goofy appearance. There wasn't much else I found out about the series, I think a lot of the non-crime story line revolved around Borgnine keeping Haven's secret from Amos and others on the force. The series lasted for all of 7 episodes on ABC and for 1 episode on NBC after it was moved and retooled as "The Cops and Robin" (that promo has a baffling amount of adjectives for a 20 second spot!).

Mann & Machine

Just when everybody thought that Cop/Robot series had gone the way of disco, Dick Wolf and company comes along in 1992 and for nine episodes reactivated the genre with the aptly titled "Mann & Machine". For a show that aired in the 90s, there is hardly any evidence of the series available online. I think the whole of it is this crude video of the intro (utilizing the most cutting edge early 90s TV title graphics technology). The show's premise seemed pretty straightforward and free of any ridiculous gimmicks from the past shows; maverick human cop (Mann) and straight laced female robot cop partner (Eve) team up to solves crimes in the future. Making the robot a female, and a sexy one at that, (a young Yancy Butler in her first major role) seemed like a good decision and it added an extra layer of potential romantic tension between the leads. There seems to be more depth to the characters as Eve is continually learns and develops human understanding and emotions. Apparently in the penultimate episode Eve even gets placed in charge of an infant which activates unexpected maternal feelings within her. This show would appear to be the most similar to the upcoming "Almost Human".

Robo. Cop.

This past week was the network TV upfronts. For those of you not familiar with the term, it's the time of the year (the third week of May) when the major networks announce their prime time schedules for the upcoming year,what new shows that have been picked up, what existing shows have been reordered (welcome back "Community"), what existing shows that have been cancelled (so long "Smash"): so advertisers can decide where to buy commercial airtime. I guess if you're the odd sort that's really into network TV programming it's like a mini-Super Bowl for you.

I read an article about Fox's upfront announcement of an order of four new drama series for next season. One of those series "Almost Human" caught my attention:

From Emmy Award-winning executive producer J.J. Abrams and creator/executive producer J.H. Wyman and starring Karl Urban, Michael Ealy and Emmy Award nominee Lili Taylor, ALMOST HUMAN (working title) is an action-packed police drama set 35 years in the future, when police officers are partnered with highly evolved human-like androids. An unlikely connection is forged when a cop with an aversion to robots and a robot with unexpected emotional responses investigate cases in a brave new world.

So basically it's like "Alien Nation" except you replace the alien hating human cop and his new alien partner with a robot hating human cop and his new android partner. A buddy cop series with a human and a robot teaming up to solve crimes, now where have I seen that before...

Now I imagine the actual series is going to be a bit more polished and not terrible, but I think it would be cool if J.J. Abrams just decided "fuck it, let's make this as ridiculous as possible. This'll make 'Short Circuit 2' look like cinéma vérité!"

Bonus question: What did C.H.E.E.S.E. stand for? Because I certainly cannot be bothered to look it up.

Crunchy Numbers: Birthday Edition

Now that all the mild hullabaloo over my 29th birthday had dissipated, I can now go back to the business of quietly dying slowly of old age. Before I close the book on another public acknowledgement of my birth, I thought I'd throw out some hastily prepared, random numbers regarding all the birthday greetings I received. I didn't feel like messing with PowerPoint to crank out some hideous chart of teal shades this year. Had I the infinite time and actual talent maybe I could have tarted them up into a visually pleasing "The Oatmeal"-esque info-graphic but alas I'm just going to drop them in a simple list (you're lucky to even get bold numbers).

Note: Despite the modest numbers these stats were still pretty haphazardly tallied and organized so I would say they're closer to estimates:

• 31 - Birthday greetings written on my time line. It's one more than last year so it would appear I am stagnating in terms of Facebook friendships.
• 20 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with one exclamation point. Not much variation this year in terms of punctuation. Are we getting set in our ways as we get older?
• 3 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with two exclamation points.
• 1 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with three or more exclamation points. Indicates a distinct lack of manic enthusiasm.
• 5 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with no punctuation at all.
• 2 - Facebook birthday greetings that ended with a period.
• 2 - Facebook message greetings. Facebook messages always get lost in the communication mix, more personal than a wall post but not quite as personal as a text message or possibly even an email. 
• 3 - Emails with a birthday greeting.
• 5 - Automatic emails from random forums and websites I signed up for years ago that still remember me and send my crappy discounts. You'll never be alone on your birthday if you give a website your date of birth.
• 3 - Text message birthday greetings.
• 5 - In person birthday wishes. These were limited since I never told anyone at work that it was my birthday.
• 2 - Phone call birthday greetings. What a novelty!
• 1 - Alleged "gift" being mailed to me. 
• 1 - Early birthday greeting.
• 3 - Belated birthday greetings.
• 2 - Birthday greetings that were sent from abroad, to the best of my knowledge.
• 6 - Birthday greeting that were variations on me being old.

Alas, no singing telegrams or skywriting, perhaps for the 30th...

Saturday Night Baseball

Baseball Dreams by senatork

When Ken Griffey Jr abruptly retired in the middle of the 2010 MLB season, in addition to marking the end of a Hall of Fame career, it also marked the end of the last active player that guest starred in the 1992 all time classic Simpsons episode "Homer at the Bat". The squad of major league ringers Mr. Burns assembled to play for the plant softball team contained an absolutely amazing collection of Hall of Famers, MVPs, and All-Stars.

When the likely retirement of another former Red, Scott Rolen (who as of now remains a free agent for the 2013 season), becomes official, it will also mark the end of the last active player that guest starred in the above, not so classic "Baseball Dreams" sketch from the Helen Hunt hosted December 13, 1997 episode of Saturday Night Live. Although, by virtue of the obvious needs of the sketch, the group of MLB talent assembled pales in comparison to "Homer at the Bat", it does surpass the former in terms of sheer numbers and depth of players.

The sketch itself is a simplistic one note affair and actually isn't all that funny. The whole thing would have been fairly forgettable if it weren't for the impressive drop ins from all the random major league players comprising a sort of bizarre tableau of mediocre to good late 90s baseball talent. I am utterly fascinated by the casting and wished I knew what kind of behind the scenes machinations when into getting everyone for this sketch. Since the premise of the sketch required a gradual decline in quality of players from the best to the worst, I would say that casting this sketch may have been more difficult than the Simpsons who had the narrower task of just rounding up superstars. To make the sketch work SNL had to pick an accurate sample of unheralded everyday pros, veterans, journeymen, and not yet established youngsters. So how did they end up with these 15 players from 9 different teams? Was there some player's union event going on in NY at the time or did they specifically fly everyone in for this one bit? Did any of the players being introduced in the bottom half know that they were supposed to be viewed as relative scrubs?

Breaking down the lineup in order of appearance:

Todd Hundley - Since the first player to appear is supposed to be a "star" that Danny would be excited to meet, the former Mets backstop was an ideal selection. First off he's part of the local team  and he had just come off his second consecutive All-Star year in 1997. Prior to that in 1996 he set the single season record for home runs by a catcher with 41. These two years were by far his best stretch in an otherwise good but not great career. Additionally, Hundley comes off as a pretty decent actor (it's a relative distinction since the whole sketch is a master class in wooden line delivery), which maybe why the writers gave him more lines.

Scott Rolen - The aforementioned Rolen is a nice progression. He had an impressive Rookie of the Year winning season playing 3B for the Phillies in 1997. Overall, Rolen had by far the best career out of all the players featured. His supporters would have an unlikely but not laughable argument for his induction into the Hall of Fame. His comic timing however could use a lot of work.

Mark Wohlers - Wohlers had just completed his third successful year as the Braves closer, racking up 33 saves in 1997 for another first place Atlanta team. He was an All-Star the year before so we're still in the realm of quality players. He is by far the best actor of the bunch and he seems to have been given the most lines because of it. From a historic perspective, his calling Danny a "fag" predate future Braves closer John Rocker's infamous politically incorrect Sports Illustrated interview in 1999. Unfortunately for Wohlers, he suffered a psychological block the following season that rendered him unable to control his pitches (the dreaded Steve Blass disease), essentially  derailing his career. Could the stress of his cameo on SNL have been responsible?

Marty Cordova and Jeff Fassero - Now we start to get players introduced in waves. Marty Cordova was still considered a potential star, he was AL Rookie of the Year in 1995 and had a career year in 1996. His injury plagued 1997 would be more representative of the rest of his career. He only gets one line. Jeff Fassero on the other hand is the worst performer of the whole bunch, his introduction of the next group of guys is particularly robotic; also it appears he can't be bothered to wear a full uniform (pretty sloppy Fassero). Baseball wise, 1997 was probably one of his best seasons, he went 16-9 with a 3.61 ERA. He is the oldest player of the bunch at 34, but he managed to outlast many of the other others, hanging around until 2006 and retiring at 43.

Gregg Jefferies, Rondell White, and Mark Grudzielanek - At this point Danny doesn't want or care about any more ballplayers, particularly Expos. Greg Jefferies was a serviceable outfielder for the Phillies at this point in his career, which was clearly on the downturn. He did fine as the spokesmen of the trio. CF Rondell White actually had probably his best year for the Expos in 1997. He may have one of the shorter lines but I thought he nailed it. Expos 2B Mark Grudzielanek also had himself a fine 1997 (apparently he led the league in doubles with 54) and was a year removed from an All-Star appearance. I feel White and Grudzielanek could have moved up above Cordova and Fassero but their lack of exposure playing for a fading Expos franchise (both of them don't even have full uniforms, White is just in a t-shirt for crying out loud) held them back. At least Grudzielanek got his choice moment with Helen Hunt ("I'm Mark Grudzielanek"), despite the lack of audience response I thought it was one of the funnier moments.

Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd - One of the all time great baseball journeymen, Todd Zeile was entering the middle part of his career which would lead to him eventually playing for 11 different teams before he was through. At the time he had just finished up a productive full season as the Dodgers third baseman. A young Cliff Floyd was still a year away from begining his productive years as a full time OF, however he was the only person there from the then current World Series champions, the Marlins. Both Zeile and Floyd get minimal lines, though I appreciate Floyd's efforts to sell "where's the food". Russ Davis had just finished his first of three aggressively decent years as the Mariners' starting third baseman (a lot of representation for the hot corner in this sketch). He is one of three players who don't even get a single line in.

David Howard and Mike Sweeney - Poor Howard and Sweeney don't get any lines to introduce themselves or even adequate face time. Howard was just a unassuming utility player who fit well at this point in the sketch. Sweeney was just an underutilized young catcher and DH, however he would break out in 1999 and would go on to have great stretch for the Royals in the early 00s as their first baseman, making 5 All-Star teams in 6 years. Interesting fact, according the records Howard and Sweeney were teammates on the Royals in 1997 and Howard signed with the Cardinals as a free agent on Dec 4, just 9 days before the sketch.

Gerald Williams and Pedro Borbón - Mediocre utility outfielder Gerald Williams seems about right to play one of the final pair, though I think he had a better career than David Howard. Like Howard, Williams changed teams right before the sketch aired. After spending 1997 with the Brewers he was traded on December 11th to the Braves for Chad Fox. His introduction is about as uninspired as his play. Pedro Borbón (son of 70s Reds relief pitcher Pedro Borbón) was an all together forgettable relief pitcher of little consequence, quite apt to be one of the last introduced. I think he was playing up his lack of english abilities, his bio says he went to high school and college in the the US so it's not like he's some fresh off the boat Cuban defector or anything. That said, it was quite believable so perhaps he may be the best performer of all. 

To close I just have a few additional random points to make:

• Helen Hunt has hardly aged at all in the 15 plus years since this sketch aired, amazing.
• What team does Danny actually support? His room contains a confusing collection of both Mets and Yankee pennants plus a poster of Ken Griffey Jr.. Is he some weirdo who considers himself a fan of the game of baseball in general?
• I am surprised that MLB would allow such a sketch to be aired. The main message is that baseball players are all uniformly terrible role models who are preoccupied only with drinking, smoking, girls, and partying; and any positive messages they say are just empty, banal, boilerplate.
• Todd Zeile, Cliff Floyd, and Gerald Williams would all end up playing for the Mets in the 00s. Also Greg Jefferies was a former Met at the time of the sketch.
• As a kid I thought they also trucked in real basketball players for that final punchline.

Charms Blow Pop, Take 2

It's a real shame that I am not ludicrously wealthy. Not just for me personally but for the state of the world in general. Because if I had a massive personal fortune; I'm talking obscene, outrageous money that could finance whatever ridiculous passing fancy that came into my mind, the world would be a more interesting place. Whether it would be a better place would be debatable but it would definitely be a more interesting place.

One project I'd like to tackle with my inexhaustible millions would be to a shot by shot reenactment of this ubiquitous Charms Blow Pop commercial from my youth:

I saw this commercial so many times growing up that I can probably write out the script and storyboard it just from memory. It's another one of those silly childhood things that have been so deeply branded into my brain that I'll remember it on my deathbed. Aside from being overplayed, the commercial itself was pretty unique. The whole thing had a sort of meta-behind the curtains angle to it; kids were messing up lines, there was frantic editing, kids were commenting on the commercial as it was going on. I found the whole thing to be quite jarring as a kid. 

The product itself was also pretty awesome. Although I haven't had one in years, growing up it was one of my top 5 candies. The idea of it was so elegant in its simplicity that I wondered why there weren't more copycats. I know Tootsie Roll pops had the tootsie roll center, but that always seemed more like an unfair punishment for getting to the middle rather than a treat. With a Blow Pop you got a solid, flavorful lollipop which was a pretty good deal on its own but then once you got to the middle: BAM! Bubble gum! The gum was only a shade better than Bazooka Joe but still, you were getting gum right after you finished a lollipop! Easy does it, Caligula! Additionally, the taste and mouth feel of that initial first chew where you have the gum mixing in with the thin layer of hard candy is a wholly unique and singular sensation.

So instead of casting a new group of child actors I would like to bring back all the original kids and have them act their roles again as adults; the nerdy kid in the glasses, kid who forgets to say "sour apple" on time, the token black girl, everyone. I think it would be fascinating to see the stark contrast of all the grown up actors acting within the exact some background and direction as the original; a sobering reflection of our lost childhood...or something like that.

2 Points 1 "Cups"

For those of you who don't participate in a pop music charts fantasy league and scan the Hot 100 every week, the current number 59 song on the Billboard Hot 100 charts is "Cups (Pitch Perfect's When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick from the "Pitch Perfect" soundtrack. It is definitely one of the more unusual songs to chart on the Hot 100 in recent memory. There's the obvious novelty of the credited artist being a film actress with no prior singing career. Even odder still is the actual song which is Kendrick's rendition of a roughly 90 second a cappella tune accompanied by a percussion routine involving the titular cups; a viral video that she randomly taught her self and was unexpectedly incorporated in the film. Even with some extra padding the radio version barely goes over 2 minutes. Overall I sort of dig the song. It's short, catchy, and cute, plus Anna Kendrick has a pleasant enough voice. Additionally I find it to be an excellent little button to end a mix CD with, especially if you have around 2 minutes of spare space.

With that being said I have two additional points I wanted to make about the song (and you thought  that title was just for cheap crude humor):

First is the ridiculousness of the recently released music video for the song. The video has nothing to do with the film, which sort of makes sense considering the radio single version is now being released almost a year removed for the actual film soundtrack. The real craziness of this "director's cut" music video is that they manage to stretch an essentially minute and a half long song into a 4:22 video. They use every trick in the book short of adding extra lyrics. There's the extended intro and outro scenes, extended breakdowns, and of course just straight up repetition of the limited verses. It's one of the most impressive displays of padding since "A Night at The Roxbury". On a personal note, that diner in the video looks like my dinning equivalent of hell. I don't think there is a single filled cup in that entire establishment. I'm a fairly demanding restaurant patron when it comes to water and refill service. In fact, it may be the the most important criteria for me when eating out. I think I will forgive sub par food if my glass never goes empty. So to watch this exceptionally poor display of refill service is quite distressing.

Secondly, according to one of those bizarre facts you find casually thrown into a subject's Wikipedia page that you just can't believe, "Cups" is the official song of the 2013 CONCACAF Gold Cup. I had to find another source that corroborated and it appears to be true. For those of you non-soccer fans (i.e. Americans) it's a biyearly soccer championship between the nations of North America, Central America, and the Caribbean; and your guess is as good as mine in figuring out why the organizers decided that this song fit so well with the tournament. I suppose "Pitch Perfect" could also be the name for a soccer movie. I mean are they really pipping this song in at the stadiums to get the crowd psyched? Does the decision process really come down to picking the most prominent contemporary song with the word "cup" in the title (I suppose Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" was too specific)? Did they have to out bid the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs? The Ryder Cup? The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series? I suppose there is past precedent for "cup" related pop songs being incongruously selected as themes for soccer tournaments as was the case for Ricky Martin's "The Cup of Life" being selected as the official song to the 1998 World Cup. Maybe if "Cups" can hold on for another year it can make it to Rio.

Blast From The Past

In the aftermath of a horrible national tragedy like the Boston Marathon bombing earlier this week, initial shock turns to questions of how, why, and particularly who. As the investigation as to the parties responsible for this terrible attack continues I can't help but find myself being reminded of another bomb attack at a prominent sporting event. I am of course referring to the Olympic Park Bombing at the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta.

One of the lasting lessons to be taken away from that whole tragedy is the sad story of Richard Jewell. Jewell as you may recall was a security guard in Olympic Park who first identified the planted pipe bomb. Although the bomb would eventually go off leading to 2 deaths and injuries to over a hundred bystanders, Jewell's initial actions of alerting the police and helping to evacuate the area prevented more harm. Unfortunately for Jewell, it was leaked that the FBI considered him a possible suspect and despite never being officially charged he become all but guilty in court of public opinion. He was sued by victims, unfairly portrayed in the news, mocked by late night; and essentially his life was wrecked.

With time the real bomber was eventually arrested and while Jewell was publicly exonerated by the authorities and received settlements from a bunch of libel suits; it was probably small consolation compared to all the personal grief he had to endure. At least by the time he passed away in 2007 he was properly acknowledged as a hero by the governor of Georgia. So while the search to identify the suspects continue, the media, the internet, and we the public at large should strive to execute a little bit of due diligence before doling out instant judgments (I'm looking at you Reddit).

That being said, while looking up his details I found the totally bananas fact that he made a guest cameo in a 1997 episode of SNL:

It really is as bizarre and awkward as one would expect from an SNL cameo by Richard Jewell. First off, why did they go through all the effort of even getting him on the show? He doesn't really bring anything to the table as a comedic presence and you could see poor Norm McDonald is doing all the heavy lifting. On top of him being a comedic brick wall, the writers didn't even bother giving him funny lines, just standard yes or no responses like some kind of deposition. They could have slapped a mustache on Darrell Hammond maybe put together a segment that would have been at least semi-humorous. Was this part of the undisclosed settlement between him and NBC? A generous cash payout and quick drop in on Studio 8H? 

Personally I suspect that this was just all part of the writing staff's general overarching plan during the Norm McDonald Weekend Update era of giving Norm the worst material possible and seeing how he can try to make it work (that stillborn Ike Turner joke at the end of the clip is a good representative of the period). I mean they start off with a segment based around the inherent humor of the 1996 Olympic Bombing and the trials of a man who become an unwitting victim of the media circus surrounding it, then hilariously throw in some references to the still fresh death of Princess Diana and Mother Teresa (waka, waka!). All I can say about Jewell here is, at least he can take a joke.

Odd as that appearance was, apparently Jewell made another appearance that night in another sketch where he punches Janet Reno as played by Will Ferrell. I couldn't find a clip or picture of the skit but even something as broadly humorous as having the then current Attorney General getting beat up seems funnier than the Weekend Update appearance.

One final note about the episode. I was extra surprised that I didn't remember seeing this cameo on the show considering this was during my late middle school/early high school SNL watching hey days of the late 90s and that the episode he appeared on was the 1997 Sylvester Stallone hosted season premiere. That episode in particular is a favorite of mine and contains among others the "Orange Julius Skit" which I've long since acknowledged I'm obsessed with.  

Cutaway Gag

I noticed I haven't written much here lately so I figured in the interest of just having some content, here's a hastily written short scene. This is whole post feels like the equivalent of being asked to say something and just repeating the word "something". In terms of what could possibly be considered context, I imagine this one small scene from a fictional workplace sitcom featuring surreal cutaway/flashback gags (for now I'll call it "High-Risers"):


INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

Tim and Mary anxiously wait for Rick near a bank of four elevators.

TIM
Where is he?

MARY
I though he said he was going to catch up with us.

TIM
I thought so.

The elevator closest to them dings, signaling its arrival.

Tim and Mary look in with hopeful expressions on their faces as the door opens.

Rick is not in the elevator. Instead, an elderly man in a rascal scooter emerges, he obnoxiously leans on his horn as he makes his way between Tim and Mary.

They jump out of the way of the scooter and watch him drive off.

The door to the stairway entrance at the far end of the lobby opens and Rick comes out. He looks as if he has exerted himself.

Rick comes up behind Tim and Mary, surprising them.

RICK
Hey guys.

Tim and Mary are spooked for a moment.

MARY
(to Rick) What happened, Rick?

TIM
Did you just run down the  stairs again?

RICK
Maybe.

MARY
Who was it this time?

RICK
Hank from accounting.

TIM
You really have to deal with this crippling fear of possibly being alone on the elevator and making small talk.

MARY
Yeah this is not healthy.

RICK
Hey I just ran down five flights, that is very healthy.

Mary gives Rick an unhappy look.

TIM
Come on, you’ve got to get over this. It’s just small talk, there’s no way to do it wrong. Even that new robot from HR can get through a ride.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK - INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Tim stands next to XJ2 as the elevator heads down. XJ2 is a massive, gray, boxy, 50’s style robot with extremely limited mobility. He is wearing a fedora and has a tie on.

XJ2’s white light bulb eyes light up in sync with his speech. He also starts to flail his stubby, tube-like arms wildly.

XJ2
(in a distorted, robotic tone) It is a hot weather we are having.

TIM
Yeah. It’s hella hot toda-

XJ2
Syntax error. Syntax error. Please repeat with-

Dark smoke starts to billow out of XJ2 as the small elevator beings to get hazy.

Tim starts to gag from the smoke.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

TIM
It’s that simple.

Tweet to the Beat

It took me nearly two months but I finally got around to one of my 2013 New Years Resolutions, starting up that Twitter account (I suppose I could take care of the other two resolutions if I now devoted my feed entirely to a combination of hardcore Buzzfeed-style 90's pandering and brief Twilight Zone reviews).

Now I hope nobody's going to have any unrealistic expectations about all the twittering/tweeting I'll be doing from here on out. My resolution was to merely start one. I didn't include anything about properly feeding it. I barely have enough social in me to sustain this blog (can you believe this is my first post this month?) let alone enough to feed another content hungry mouth like twitter. Frankly I don't even know what the benefit of this thing is over something like the facebook status bar. At least you get the feedback of a "like" on facebook. What's the indicate if you tweeted well or not?

Initial pessimism aside, I will try for now to toss up at least a tweet a day; although quality is not guaranteed. I'll be sticking to my facebook friend rule of rarely friending anyone myself but having an open door policy when it comes to accepting others. So hey tweet me up or whatever.

Picture This!

With the the inauguration of President Obama for a second term, we now look ahead to the many daunting problems facing this country in the next four years. One of the most pressing of issues is the growing polarization within our nation. Partisanship and division in U.S. politics and within the public have grown ever more intense in recent years. Progress is becoming hindered by political deadlock, civility and decorum are fast becoming scarce, and the public continues to lose faith in the effectiveness of their elected officials and the system.

Of course the one image that really sums up the current challenges of our modern divided society is the cover of one hit wonder Joey Scarbury's 1981 hit album "America's Greatest Hero" featuring his #2 hit "Theme from Greatest American Hero (Believe It or Not)" (and yes, no mention of that song can be complete without a mention of George's answering machine message). How did Mr. Scarbury predict the fractured political climate between red and blue states in 21st century America all the way back in the early 1980s? Alas, no one seems to have bothered to seek him out since then to ask.

One additional observation: someone with absolutely no prior knowledge of Joey Scarbury might assume, just based on looking at the cover, that this was some kind of spoken word album of Mr. Scarbury's political views (it sort of reminds me of Johnny Calhoun's unsuccessful spoken word album of his right-wing political views "These Things I Believe").

Tired of That Annoying Old Ring?

Most of us can agree that life is not easy. However the initial "before" vignettes of infomercials laying out the problems the featured product would solve would have you believe that life is a complete and total nightmare. It's an endless monochromatic purgatory where you're fat and sick; your home, children, and pets are unacceptably filthy and smell; everything costs too much; there's never enough time to cook a healthy, delicious, dinner; and attempting even the simplest of tasks ends in humiliating disaster. At least, before you order the advertised product.

Now I'd like to think we're all savvy enough to realize that there is some exaggeration and puffery going on in these ads and that we shouldn't take them at face value. Still, sometimes the products do come off as pretty awesome and it's tempting to assume they would work just as effectively and as perfectly in our homes as they do in a controlled sound stage being utilized by a trained salesman. I watch that "Slap Chop" video now and it's still amazing how Vince can make it seem like how one cheap plastic chopping utensil will radically transform your life (plus he just throws in the fucking Graty absolutely free!).

No amount of infomercial magic however can spin the utter uselessness of the Jingle Ring. Even as an easily impressionable preadolescent watching this ad in the early 90s, I thought it was ridiculous. Say what you want about As Seen On TV products, at least they claim to tackle common everyday problems most people can relate to. The Jingle Ring attempts to eliminate an issue that about 99.9% of the population couldn't careless about: extreme displeasure with the telephone ring. Has anyone ever found themselves so tired and annoyed with their home telephone ring that, like the lady in the commercial, they find themselves THROWING THEIR PHONE OUT THE WINDOW in abject frustration? Who can relate to this scene? Paranoid schizophrenics? Shell shocked trauma victims? Someone on bath salts?

After having established this all too common affliction of modern living, the Jingle Ring provides a solution that manages to be a hundred times worse. Using "microchip" technology it converts your phone ring into one of a whopping eight pre-recorded jingles, which all come off as way more annoying than a standard phone ring. If providing irritating novelty jingles wasn't bad enough, the Jingle Ring does it in a relatively cumbersome method; to bypass the regular ring you have to run it through this additional device that's about half the size of the phone itself which is there solely to make a different ring.

The family in the spot, who have apparently purchased multiple Jingle Rings to fit everyone member's eclectic taste from classical parody loving dad to Andrew Sisters fan Mom, to the kids with their modern love of cow sounds and "rap" (there has to be at least one hip hop artist out there who can use this for a hyper esoteric sample track); dramatize just how wonderful life can be in a Jingle Ring household. Every call, whether it be from Aunt Margo or the coroner's office, is a smiling occasion for pure joy. What I never quite understood was if they liked the new rings so much, why didn't they just let it ring for as long as possible before picking it up? Or even picking it up at all? The father clearly didn't care to pick up the phone when it had the old ring (which actually would have made prolonged the terrible ringing).

When I recently rediscovered the old Jingle Ring I assumed that such an objectively worthless product would have, along with the commercial, long since faded out into obscurity. With the contemporary obsolescence of the home phone line, the Jingle Ring would somehow manage to be even even more worthless nowadays. However, like some kind of living fossil, brand new Jingle Rings are shockingly available on Amazon (at least the price went down from the original $19.99); I can only assume that there's some poor guy out there with a warehouse full of these, desperately waiting by his Jingle Ring enabled phone, waiting for the moo of a potential new order. So if you or someone you know is trapped in the living hell of conventional land line phone rings, your prayers have been answered.

Seeing Redbox

Every once in a while I'll want to see a fairly new film that's at that brief new release point in its life cycle where it's just out of theaters but not yet seasoned enough to be aired on TV or streamed on Netflix. It is in these situations where I find myself impulsively sparing a buck at the ubiquitous Redbox rental kiosk at a nearby supermarket or drug store. The price and convenience are fine and all but the one fly in the ointment, especially with newer releases' is the bare bones, ad stuffed "rental copy" you get instead of a proper DVD. I know I'm only paying a dollar night and all but shouldn't I be entitled to one night of the full DVD experience rather than this no frills edition that the studio seems to be begrudgingly allowing me to screen? It'd be like renting a car and getting one with no radio, air conditioning, power anything, and plastered with advertising inside and out.

I think all the "rental copies" should include a brief message to the viewer at the beginning of each DVD. It should be given in a stern and direct manner by a gruff looking authority figure, sort of like Stacey Keech or Phillip Baker Hall's Detective Bookman from "Seinfeld".

He would curtly tell the viewer what they're in for with their rental. It would be along the lines of:

"So you thought you were pretty clever renting a movie from a Redbox. You thought 'hey, I can watch a film without having to pay a first run screening price at the picture show, or purchase the DVD, or commit to a monthly rental service. I can just charge a buck in the old Redbox machine, get myself an evening of full DVD enjoyment, and return it the next day. Badabing badaboom.'

Well listen up, big shot. If you think this is a real DVD you're dead wrong. Hell this isn’t even a VHS, you can fast forward and resume from a point on a VHS. No you are going to sit right there and watch a full length trailer for 'The Sessions' and we're going to follow it up with a commercial about Blu-Ray technology (by the way why haven’t you upgraded to Blu-Ray yet? What's the hold up?), and then just for good measure we’re going to throw another trailer in for some forgettable indie something or other with Greta Gerwig at the end just because we can. You make it through all that we’ll finally let you get to the main menu if you still remember you were intending on watching a film.

Think you're gonna go anywhere with that extra features option, kid? Not by a long shot. You want extra features, grow yourself a second nose. We've got one extra feature here, it's called sneak previews. And do you know what makes up the sneak previews? A full length trailer for "The Sessions", a commercial about Blu-Ray technology, and a trailer for some forgettable indie something or other with Greta Gerwig.

You should be thankful that we've given you scene selection, if I had it my way you would have to watch it in one showing like an old nickelodeon. You miss a scene, you either suck it up and let it go or you go all the back to that trailer for 'The Sessions'. For a buck it's amazing that we’re even letting you see the movie more than once and that the DVD doesn’t self destruct after one viewing. Also, as if you haven't been coddled enough, you've even got audio options and subtitles for the hard of hearing, you lucky deaf bastard.

So there you have it. If you find these conditions somewhat lacking then by all means get yourself to your local Walmart and start rooting around the bargain bin or hop on over to that one Blockbuster in Shangr-La that's still in business. This is Redbox and when you pick up a rental from us you should thank your lucky stars that there's picture and sound and that we're not stopping the movie to show you a cereal ad every ten minutes. You made your decision you lazy tightwad and you have to live with the consequences.

Oh and please enjoy 'Ruby Sparks'."

Victor's Three Random Resolutions for 2013

Another year, another wave of irrationally inflated optimism about personal change. When it comes to my New Year's resolutions I keep things simple: I merely copy the list of resolutions Samuel L. Jackson read off during his monologue when he hosted the first SNL of 1998. For the past 14 years or so it has not steered me wrong. While there have been times where I failed to "give it as good as I get it" or didn't quite "show the man that I mean business", it has been a trusty template to work off of through the years.

In addition I do throw in a few new projects that are more specific to the year. These are more specific, idiosyncratic, personal ambitions. Here are three to look out for in 2013:

1. Get A Twitter. I've been meaning to get one of these for a while. My initially inadequate understanding of how they work made me feel old (following a line of retweets and twitter correspondences still confuses me). I fear this is just the first example of a new technology passing me by in my inevitable progress towards being a technologically illiterate senior citizen that my grandchildren will one day mock for not understanding how to turn on a holographic mood simulatron. So I figure I should try to keep up a little and get one some time this month. It would seem like a good outlet for a lot of my half formed thoughts that just don't have enough substance for a proper blog (random aside: that SNL sketch where Norm Macdonald as Larry King rattles off a series of silly non sequiturs basically sums up my view of tweets) . Additionally having transit updates from NJ Transit would be quite helpful.
2. Finally See Every Twilight Zone Episode. Despite my obvious obsession with the series, my years of Twilight Zone Marathon viewing, and the fact that I own the entire series on DVD; I still have not seen every episode of "The Twilight Zone". To my credit I have seen the bulk of the series and have at least read about them in "The Twilight Zone Companion". There are probably about a dozen episodes that I haven't watched or completed watching. I won't lie, most of these are in the 4th and 5th, the final 2 seasons of the show, where the series really ran out of gas. The 4th season went the mostly disastrous route of expanding the already thin episodes to a full hour while the 5th season was filled with tired retreads from an exhausted and depleted writing staff. None of the unwatched episodes are acknowledged classics but who knows, there might be some underrated episodes in the mix. I do owe it to the show to see the whole body of work.
3. Cash In On The Growing 90's Nostalgia Trend. As this decade progresses, the public hunger for all things 90's grows day by day. Boy bands are reuniting and touring, old sitcoms are being remade, and tumblrs and pinterest boards are filling up with screenshots of Clarissa. It seems the reliable 20 year cycle of public nostalgic interest is turning over. The 80's are now officially too old to reference and the 00's are still too fresh to reminisce. A man can get quite rich in this 90's boom if he plays his cards right. I don't have any specific plans at the moment but I feel I should make some effort to take advantage of this period. Maybe I'll start dealing in out of print editions of "The Bailey School Kids" or write a treatment for a "Hey Dude" reunion movie where the gang returns to help a down and out Mr. Ernst save his ranch, or perhaps design a new line of Nick Toons themed Zubaz pants. 

Confidence is Very Sexy

For me one of the great things about the Internet, aside from the whole facilitating the worldwide democratization of information thing and the instant, anonymous porn delivery; is how it constantly reminds me that no matter how obscure or esoteric a reference or obsession I have, there is someone else on the Internet thinking the same thing. I find that oddly reassuring; that I'm not that crazy and alone in my thoughts after all and that there is a fellow weirdo backing me up. In fact, if you have a crazy preoccupation or interest and you see someone else on the Internet blogging or tweeting or pinteresting or whatever-ing what you're thinking, it makes you come off as slightly less insane since at least you didn't put the effort in posting it on the Internet for everyone to see.

So the weird little bit of past esoterica that's needlessly distracting me this week is this early 90s television spot for Skin Bracer aftershave starring the late Jack Palance:

Despite having a six decade long career filled with memorable classic film and television roles, this is my definitive Jack Palance moment. Forget his deliciously evil turn in "Shane" or his Oscar winning comeback role in "City Slickers" or the famous one armed push ups he did at the ceremony, when I think Jack Palance, it's this short clip of him selling me aftershave. 

However considering that this ad may possibly be the single most genuinely manly fifteen second TV spot in advertising history, I don't think it's that out there to have it as my lasting image of the icon. The commercial has a sort of a "Most Interesting Man" approach. Right from the start, Palance is a blinding supernova of self confidence; and really he needs all of it to make the spot work. He comes off as someone who doesn't really care for cologne or even aftershave for that matter; he just happens to not object to Skin Bracer which he just casually dabs on with one hand when he remembers to. Even the commercial itself with its brevity and bare bones production gives the impression that the whole thing is just a casual, off the cuff comment by Palance in between doing important movie star things. Skin Bracer was taking a bit of a gamble relying on the seductive sex appeal of a septuagenarian character actor who was often cast as creepy villains. Even with the charming confidence there is a subtle slight creepiness factor to the whole thing; it is easily one of the most idiosyncratic deliveries of the phrase "sexy" ever recorded (on a personal note: this commercial was probably the first time I heard the phrase "sexy" on TV and my preadolescent self was shocked to hear what I vaguely knew to be a bad word in a commercial).

So aside from finding someone else who was enough of a fan of the commercial to post it on Youtube, I was delighted to find that there was at least one couple out in cyberspace that was obsessed with the commercial enough to make a reenactment of the spot:

Sure the production quality is obviously lacking (then again not all bizarre, seemingly unnecessary, shot by shot, pop culture remakes can have the budget and star power of "The Greatest Event In Television History"), however it is obvious attention has been paid to all the small details from the bedside lamp to the final "By Mennen" (random aside, almost every commercial featuring the "by Mennen" tag line on YouTube has someone writing in the comments a variation of "Co-Stan-za").

The fact that tributes like this exists outside of just these random blog posts is pretty neat. Don't you think?