Sunday, October 19, 2008

Resistance is Futile

The 2008 presidential campaign is now heading down the homestretch with just a little over three weeks to go. From what the pundits and national polling seem to be indicating, barring the discovery of a Barack Obama and Bill Ayers friendship scrapbook/joint terrorist manifesto, the country is headed towards a historic Obama victory. I don't know, it seems like historic events are occurring just about every other day (the stock market seems to setting new records by the hour).

If Obama does come through on election day it'll cap off one of the most unexpected, spectacularly meteoric rises to power in American political history since Gerald Ford unexpectedly fell ass backwards into the Presidency. Just four years into his first Senate term he is on the verge of becoming the next president of the United States. I think I'm still using the same super sized double pack of Head and Shoulders shampoo I got from Sam's Club since then.

Given the current context, this recent article offers an interesting historical question: "Could Mike Ditka have changed the course of US history?" I do remember that brief period after the Republican nominee Jack Ryan dropped out and in the search for a new candidate the party was throwing out his name as a potential replacement. While nothing eventually came of it; Ditka, with national exposure and a strong in-state support base, would have definitely been a stiffer challenge than Alan Keyes (the one man political equivalent of the Washington Generals). In fact any member of the Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew would have been a stiffer challenge. I do agree though with the article that while there was no guarantee that Ditka would have gone all Super Bowl XX on Obama, it is definitely true that had Obama lost, there would be no way he'd be in this position right now. Perhaps had Ditka ran and won, we would be talking about his current quest for the White House and pondering if Tony Eason could have changed the course of US history?

While the Dikta nomination is definitely a plausible "what if", I think the individual who has had the greatest influence on the chain of events that has led to our current position is none other than everyone's favorite ex-Borg, Jeri "Seven of Nine" Ryan. Aside from single handedly keeping Star Trek Voyager on the air for an additional four seasons and replacing Deanna Troi as the prime masturbatory fantasy for an entire generation of Trekkies, she was also Mrs. Jack Ryan from 1991 to 1999. Despite the fact that Mr. Ryan had retired from Goldman Sachs at 40 with hundreds of millions of dollars and had that sweet Borg action to come home to every night, it apparently wasn't enough. In what can only be described as a truly epic case of tragic hubris, his desire for Jeri to go to freaky sex clubs and perform public sex acts with him, naturally led to a prompt divorce. Of course eventually all those lurid details oh so inconveniently came out five or so years later when he was running for Senator, causing him to drop out.

Had Jeri been a bit more Adina Howard-like in her sexual boundaries and gone along with Jack or at the very least been discrete about it during the divorce proceedings, then this entire mess would have been avoided. Without a tabloid scandal crippling the campaign, the state party apparatus could have mounted a strong and effective effort rather than scrambling with a sudden fill in solution like Ditka or Keyes. Interestingly Ryan's credentials were almost exactly like that of Obama: young, good looking, political neophyte, successful, local roots, and a Harvard JD (in addition to his Harvard MBA). And as blue leaning as Illinois was, the Senate spot they were competing for was vacated by a Republican, so it wasn't unprecedented. In addition, sharing the name with Tom Clancy's ass kicking super agent is second only being named Jack Bauer, so the election really could have gone either way.

In Star Trek terms it's kind of like that classic episode of original Star Trek where Kirk and the gang end up in depression era United States and they realize that the women he has just met and fallen in love with needs to die to prevent the Nazis from winning World War II...except this one involves sex clubs with cages and whips. Regardless, if you end up finding yourself the following morning after Election Day, awash in the historic news of a Barack Obama victory, just remember: all this could have very well been determined by the less than freaky sexual tastes of Jeri Ryan.


  1. or at the very least been discrete about it during the divorce proceedings...

    Jeri and Jack Ryan were both very discreet about their divorce proceedings, having sealed the records with the court in an effort to protect their very young son. It was a reporter from the Chicago Tribune who sued for those documents to be unsealed and a judge who allowed it. If you feel you must blame someone for indiscretion, why not them? Jeri Ryan had every right to divorce her husband and every right to explain why she chose to do so during the divorce proceedings. Since this divorce took place in 1999, long before the 2004 campaign, she had no way to know what would happen. In fact, both Jack and Jeri counter-sued to keep the records sealed in 2004 and they both lost.

    I am exasperated by the sheer number of people who seek to blame Barack Obama on Jeri Ryan. Where is the blame for Jack Ryan, whose disturbing sexual predilections led to his divorce in the first place? Or for the reporter and/or judge who sought to unseal the divorce records? Why aren't bloggers everywhere writing about their influence in Obama's rise?

    She is not Eve who ate the forbidden apple. She is just a woman who divorced her husband. The fact that both of them, husband and wife, happened to be highly recognizable public figures is incidental. That a judge allowed sealed divorce records to be unsealed simply because a reporter asked for them is the true travesty but no one ever mentions him when they write about who is to blame for Barack Obama.

    I guess he didn't look as good in a cat-suit.

  2. Not really singling Jeri Ryan out as someone to "blame for Barack Obama", just throwing out a "what if" regarding her divorce.

    However, your super long, non sequitur, feminist, comment is appreciated.

    And yes I agree, Jeri Ryan was a stone cold hottie on Voyager.