Saturday, February 02, 2008

I'm not here to start no trouble...2008

Well another Super Bowl is upon us. However, in contrast to last year's big game where my attitude towards the competitors was general ambivalence; it is now outright hatred. A perfect storm of circumstances led to the two teams that I wanted least to get to the Super Bowl squaring off against each other. After all the hype, dramatics and pageantry of the playoffs we find ourselves right back to week 17.

There really isn't much about the two teams and my feeling concerning them I haven't already covered back in December. The Patriots are still an amalgam of every evil team from every sports movie ever made while I still bear my idiosyncratic vendetta against the Giants for past and present personal transgressions. In terms of outcome, barring an unexpected ruling by the commissioner that both teams and their fans suck and that both teams must shamefully forfeit, there really in no positive one for me. I've been actively avoiding the media blitz about both teams and may not even give that much of an effort to watch the game tomorrow. However, in the grand spirit of Groundhog's Day and for all you compulsive types out there I'll at least throw out my predictions.

Now every sports commentator, sports expert, gambler, celebrity, co-worker, man on the street, dog, and cat are giving their predictions on the big game. They, for the most part, probably take in the strengths and weaknesses of the teams, past performance, seasoned with some personal biases to come out with a prediction. These people are wrong. As the time tested ritual of Groundhog's Day has taught us, straight logic, reasoning, and informed hypothesis can only get us so far. True prognostication comes from one looking beyond rational sources to find meaning in the random and seemingly irrelevant. Sure, the people of Punxsutawney could look to sophisticated equipment and trained meteorologists for answers but no, they come out in the cold to worship a giant rat and get their forecasting from him. So instead of looking at past match ups or commentaries or game match ups, I'm going to look at some alternate sources.

A real Giant versus a real Patriot
This is a no-brainer. While I will no doubt concede that an 18th century American patriot will have more motivation and would want it more; come on it's a Giant. And if the official team depiction of a Giant is to an accurate scale, he will tower over the dedicated by ultimately undersized Patriot. The Patriot may possibly be packing a musket, but in the end that would hardly give him much of an advantage, maybe take out one of the Giant's eyes in the best case scenario. There might be an argument that the Patriot's size and swiftness may give him an outside shot, but again look at that freakin' picture! Imagine Cloverfield taking place in colonial Williamsburg, that's how I see it'll turn out. Advantage: Giants

Tecmo Super Bowl: Giants vs. Patriots
There's no better way to determine the results of this modern day Super Bowl than to crudely simulate it on a NES game with rosters from 1990. The chips are quite unfairly stacked in the Giants' favor yet again since their roster is based off the team that won the Super Bowl that year while the Patriots (who went 1-15 that year) fight a constant battle with the Indianapolis Colts for worst team in the game. If I had simmed this game 100 times 99 of them would have ended with blow out victories for the Giants. Phil Simms would have about 400 yards of passing, Otis Anderson or Dave Meggett would have like 150 on the ground, and both would have a mess of touchdowns. While they don't show the defensive stats, I'm pretty sure Lawrence Taylor would have broken Steve Grogan (by far the worst QB in the game) in half, while WR Irving Fryer (their only good player) watched helplessly down field wishing he was on a better team. However, perhaps in a telling omen of things to come the Pats actually came out on top 35-30! Anyone familiar with Tecmo Super Bowl will know that this is roughly the equivalent of the miracle on ice or Appalachian State over Michigan. Perhaps the stars really are aligning for those cheaters from up north. Advantage : Patriots

Film Factor
When looking at the portrayals of both teams on film, this is a total Giants run away. This is mainly due to the fact that I can't think of a single movie about the Patriots. There's a movie about the Celtics (Celtic Pride), a movie about the Red Sox (Fever Pitch), but alas winning three Super Bowls doesn't seem to account for much in New England film these days. I guess aside from the first Super Bowl against the Rams, the Pats don't have much of a feel good story ("here's the pitch...favored team, wins big game"). The Giants on the other hand have the benefit of one of my favorite movies of my youth, "Little Giants". Now there's a textbook inspiring underdog story for ya. Forget studying game footage Coughlin, just show a dvd of this to the team before the game and they'll be plenty fired up. How sweet would it be if they broke out "The Annexation of Puerto Rico" on the big stage? Advantage: Giants

Super Bowl Shuffle Factor
Since the Chicago Bears breakthrough song and video in 1985, developing a sweet Super Bowl based, poorly performed, team song has always been a factor to consider on the road to the big game. Although wikipedia mentions it, I have yet to hear the 1990 Super Bowl champion Giants parody "Walk Like A Giant" which I guess counts as a song. I should technically award the Giants this category since the Patriots don't have a song (No movie? No song? It's like all you guys do is play football?). However, I have to throw a flag out for the truly horrific Jim Jones NY Giants Remix of "We Fly High", which takes an already awful song and adds a bunch of ham fisted Giants references in there. That's a 15 yard penalty. Advantage: Patriots

Coin Toss
As with all things in life, in the even of a tie or bout of indecision, one has to look towards the perfect arbitration of the coin toss. Hey, if it's good enough for Two-Face then it's good enough for me. Using a random quarter from my change jar, I assigned Patriots heads, Giants tails. In the end the toss that rendered all my previous analysis irrelevant was heads. Advantage: Patriots

So in conclusion it appears the Patriots are due for their perfect season and every member of the team will be able to get free drinks for life in every sports bar in Boston. However, it'll probably be very close, decided perhaps by a field goal; like every other Patriots Super Bowl victory. If I had to throw a score on it: Patriots 27 Giants 24 with the MVP going to Wes Welker for getting about a dozen annoying 10 yard, first down receptions.

No comments:

Post a Comment