Picture This!

Just a warning, this may be my most obscure edition of "Picture This!" yet. So, the other night I was hanging out at my friend Matt's house. At one point the topic of discussion turned to vintage shareware games from the 90's and eventually we started looking up videos of them on youtube (well, how did you spend your Tuesday night, big shot?). I found it beyond disturbing that there was space in my brain devoted to remembering and quickly recalling the handful of times I played a profoundly shitty game like "Nitemare 3D" or the hyper esoteric "Heavy Water Jogger" on some cheap 1,001 shareware game CD in 1994 (yet after a week I still cannot retain the name of the guy in the cubicle next to me...priorities I suppose).

While a majority of the games I recalled had more nostalgia value than play value, there were still a few quality games that I remembered based on merit (motherfuckin' "Raptor: Call of the Shadows" represent). One standout game for the period was the vastly underrated 2D platformer "Bio Menace". It was basically a more adult knockoff of the classic "Commander Keen" games, but whole presentation was solid and game play was surprisingly fun if not wholly original.

I also noticed that the protagonist, the derivatively named, Snake Logan (he's the guy on the right if you're not sure) appeared to be the digitized doppelganger of....

The late great WWE wrestling legend, "Ravishing" Rick Rude (of course if it really was based on Rick Rude the programmers wouldn't have denied the ladies the "Sexiest Man Alive" by hiding that bod under a green shirt)

I know, another old school wrestling reference. With the recent passing of the Macho Man, I guess I've just been an old school wrestling sort of mind. Also I wanted to note that while looking for a suitable picture of the Ravishing one, I came across this sweet Rick Rude t-shirt (only 11 more months until my birthday!). Since I was completely surprised last week when somebody actually gave me the custom made Arnold Shirt that I flippantly mentioned as a possible birthday gift (a million thanks again, Desi!), I've come to the conclusion that the internet is a random wish granting machine and that I should be constantly making requests on it.

Feel the Sadness...Oh Yeah!

It's an unyielding, universal truth that many of us often times have great difficulty remembering: there are no guaranteed tomorrows. In our bounded rationality we just assume that at least more new day waits for us all. Every so often though we are given a sobering reminder at just how tenuous and illusory life can be. When I heard the news over the phone from a friend that "Macho Man" Randy Savage had suddenly died in a car accident, I never would have expected that my post about him from Tuesday to be a sad preemptive eulogy for him Friday (and if it turned out that heart attack was due to damage from years of cocaine abuses, it will just get beyond eerie). With this depressing news and the end of the world scheduled for tomorrow, this is all just turning out to be the worst day.

Well, what else can I say about the Macho Man that I haven't already said. He was endlessly entertaining, charismatic, larger than life, an excellent wrestler (something Hogan can never claim), and the true definition of an iconoclast. In short he was an absolute legend that, as it sadly seems to be the case with a disturbing amount of former members of this rough business, left as far too soon. If I actually recognized the WWE Hall of Fame as a legitimate institution I would consider the fact that the Macho Man never lived to see himself be enshrined to be a complete and utter travesty (I mean really, what's Pete Rose and William "Refrigerator" Perry doing in there? You know they just inducted Drew Carey this year? Seriously!). In reality though the Macho Man doesn't need that empty title to prove he was an all time great. Anyone who ever saw his historic match with Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III, or cheered as he carried Miss Elizabeth off on his shoulders after a victory, or was enthralled by one of his out of his mind promos, or lost their shit when he teamed up Hulk to form the Mega Powers, or listened to his ringside commentaries with JR, or was even inspired to snap into a Slim Jim from his ads, knew his greatness.

I don't know what everyone else is doing, but tonight I think I'm going to have a myself a few drinks in his honor, maybe get myself a twin pack of Slim Jims and see if the bartender will play anything from "Be A Man".

Now That's What I Call Armageddon! Vol. 1

If you haven't heard already, apparently the world is going to end Saturday. I guess that's kind of a bummer (this is really going to bite into the opening weekend box office numbers for the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie). All things considered though, there are some positives to take away from this: I won't have to pay off the rest of my student loans, no more worrying about the world ending on 2012, and "Chuck" will finally be put off the air. Also, I think it's a bit comforting to know that everyone would be going at the same time. For people who fear dying alone, this is really a best case scenario.

Of course there are a few skeptics out there who suspect that there might be a slight chance Mr. Camping's Biblical number crunching may not be adding up to the end of days. It would appear that some of them are even planning end of the world events of their own; although I do think that exploiting the minority view of one small group to mock organized religion as a whole is as obnoxious as those people who go out of their way to celebrate anti-Valentines Day. Either way it looks like there will be some serious partying on both sides of the fence and things are shaping up to be an interesting weekend.

Regardless of where you think you'll end up on Sunday morning, I think we call all agree that this is a good time for a sweet themed mix. Here are my top ten end of the world themed tracks (specifically no R.E.M., too obvious) plus a special bonus track if you make it to the end (assuming 8 tracks didn't screw up my ordering) for your weekend playlist, guaranteed to keep you in rapture:

Feel The Madness...Oh Yeah!

"Macho Man" Randy Savage has got to be the most unique and idiosyncratic character in the history of professional wresting. There's really no one else like him and he defies all attempts at labeling or categorization. In a "sport" where everybody is identified by a preconceived gimmick, one has a difficult time trying to figure out what exactly the Macho Man was all about. He gave insane, borderline incoherent interviews in that distinct, raspy, screaming voice. He was a writhing muscular mass of bizarre ticks and personal mannerisms, all clad in an ever changing, endless wardrobe of hyper-flamboyant ring costumes that were somewhere between a neon cowboy, rejected member of Parliament Funkadelic, and an 80s hair metal front man (then there was his "Macho King" era where he added a crown and scepter). He casually walked the line between despised heel and heroic face, never really settling himself as either. Even his ring music "Pomp and Circumstance" seemed completely incongruous but still felt oddly appropriate.

So if you had to get down to it, what really was the Macho Man? Given all I've seen, I think the Macho Man's gimmick seemed to be just well...being the Macho Man, which encompassed everything above and then some; a singularly wonderful entity that was extremely fun and entertaining to watch in and out of the ring.

However if you don't find that characterization to be all that satisfying, the gimmick of the Macho Man also starts to make a lot more sense under another theory: that his character is someone with an out of control cocaine problem.

Reading the Macho Man as a degenerate coke fiend gives a lot of interesting context to his behavior: the alertness, feelings of well-being and euphoria, boundless energy, exaggerated self confidence, and the enhanced athletic performance. You also have the anxiety, unpredictable behavior, wild mood swings, restlessness, excessive sweating, and tremors. I'm not an addictions counselor but just viewing a small sampling of his many manic interviews and intense promos on youtube (not to mention his Slim Jim commercial canon), I would be more inclined to say that this man at the very least may not be in the right frame of mind. In addition there are also straight up clips of the Macho Man on youtube unambiguously titled "macho man on coke" ("180 DEGREES! THEN ANOTHER 360!") and "macho man randy savage on cocaine" ("CUP OF COFFEE IN THE BIG TIME, YEAH!"). Coincidence?

Now I'm not saying that Randy Savage had a problem with cocaine (although with basically any wrestler coming out of the 80s the odds are high), but that he may have played a character whose implied gimmick may have been a guy who did a lot of coke (which if you think about it would probably make him more representative of the 1980s than even the Million Dollar Man). I personally, am not taking the cynical route, and believe it's just Macho being Macho. However I'm just saying some things make a lot more sense if you see if read between the white lines.

Brand New Brand New Key

The other day I found myself listening to "Brand New Key" by Melanie in the car. While Melanie's quirky, novelty number one hit has managed to endure in the pop consciousness for the four decades since its release, from "Boogie Nights" (oh Heather Graham how you still roller skate around in my dreams) to that recent HP commercial with the baby on the highway, it became quite apparent while listening that the overall roller skate/roller skate key analogy behind the song had become completely outdated. The overall theme of a girl trying to attract the attention of a boy is timeless and the cheeky sexual innuendo of finding a key for her lock, was controversial and subtly progressive then and is just as relevant now, but I figured there had to be a better way to convey that without using roller skates as the example.

Even for a roller skating reference it is woefully ancient. Assuming there are kids out there still riding roller skates (and judging by the diminishing number of skating rinks across the country I assume there aren't too many who still do), they would probably be using roller blades (or maybe those stupid Heelys that were kind of popular a few years ago) over the old quad variety. Even if there are some anachronistic kids out there somewhere with the old quad skates, they would have to be using quad skates that are so outmoded that they still required skate keys. To this day I have never seen such skates and am still not quite sure why roller skates would even require keys when you can just put them on like regular shoes or even ice skates. The entire sum of my knowledge of roller skates with keys consists of, aside from "Brand New Key", an old episode of "Muppet Babies" where Fozzie loses his skate key and the whole gang goes on an adventure to find it.

Given how antiquated the analogy was, I tried to think of a more updated comparison. In being faithful to the original song it had to relate to a seemingly innocent children's toy or activity but could possibly also be construed to be about sex. This actually proved to be far more difficult then I had originally imagined. In fact, I couldn't even think of a single good relevant replacement. I've got a brand new...pack of Silly Bandz? Bakugan figurine? Nintendo 3DS game? Maybe something about getting new smartphones so they can sext each other? There really weren't any better options (although if they did a reboot of the song in the 90's I think it should be about POGs and slammers).

So I guess the lesson here may be not to mess with a classic. Any better suggestions out there?

The Discreet Charm of Jason Bourgeois

Part II of my continuing season long series spotlighting speedy, yet marginal, replacement National League outfielders that I acquired off the waiver wire for my injury consumed, offensively challenged, fantasy baseball team shines the spotlight today on Houston Astros OF Jason Bourgeois.

Since picking him up off the waiver wire last week, Bourgeois has, in his past seven starts, hit a blistering 14 of 27 and stole seven bases. As it stands he is currently hitting .407 and is tied for second in the majors (behind teammate Michael Bourn) in steals with 12 despite his limited appearances. Suffice to say the batting average boost and the infusion of hot, cheap, speed has been most appreciated.

If Bourgeois can maintain a decent fraction of his currently unsustainable hitting and continue to rack up the steals, the lowly Astros will at least have an impressive one-two top of the order with the speedy duo of Bourn and Bourgeois. I also faintly hope that if Bourgeois continues his hot play he will not only help my team but become enough of a fan favorite in Houston that a ramdom motivated Astros fan/foreign film enthusiast will create some variation of a poster referencing Luis Buñuel's 1972 Best Foreign Language Oscar winning film "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie". While there is obviously no connection between the journeyman outfielder and this classic French surrealist film and admittedly the tenses don't even match up; when will one ever have another opportunity like this to make such an esoteric reference in connection with a baseball player? Given the odds, I think you have to strike at the first chance.

A crude artist's rendering

*Update: In news that should be of absolutely no surprise to me I just found out that Bourgeois has been placed on the DL with a strained left oblique and appears likely to be out for the rest of the month. However, I also learned that Roger "The Shark" Bernadina has just recently been brought back up by the Nationals to replace the injured Rick Ankiel, proving the old adage that when God injures a light hitting outfielder he brings up another one.

Power Rankings!: Twilight Zone Episodes Featuring Star Trek Actors

I believe I've made it pretty clear over the years that I am a huge"Twilight Zone" fan. Aside from the writing, acting, filmmaking, etc. one of the great supplemental joys of watching the show is all the interesting guest stars you get to see. Since the show was a strict anthology series with every episode featuring a completely different story and set of characters, the large list of actors who found themselves in the zone range from young future icons (Robert Redford, Carol Burnett, Burt Reynolds), old Hollywood stars (Buster Keaton, Joseph Schildkraut), BURGESS MOTHER FUCKING MEREDITH, and every quality contemporary character actor in-between.

Of the varied group of actors to have appeared on the show I've always found it interesting to see future main cast members of another highly influential 1960's science fiction series, "Star Trek", finding themselves crossing over into the Twilight Zone. While Shatner's two appearances on the show are by far the most well known, future Enterprise crew members Leonard Nimoy, George Takei, and James Doohan have been part of some (mostly) choice episodes. How would I rank all five of these episodes based on my personal opinion as a fan?

Well, I'm glad you asked:

5. "A Quality of Mercy"

I said that not all the Star Trek cast featuring episodes would be home runs and this is one is the unfortunate odd man out. The story takes place during the waining days of World War II in the Pacific where a platoon of war weary American soldiers are laying siege to a cave of starved Japanese soldiers. The hawkish, newly promoted, asshole Lieutenant (played by Dean Stockwell) wants to show no mercy to the enemy and orders a full assault on the cave much to the anger of the platoon. Before the assault is carried out, the Lieutenant suddenly finds himself as a Japanese soldier in 1942 in an exact reverse of the previous situation (OMG!), laying siege to a cave of starving Americans, which gives him a new perspective.

The whole thing comes off about as simplistic and preachy as it sounds. The performances and production are still pretty good (although the "Japanese" makeup job on Stockwell is pretty flimsy) but there are no real surprises here. As for Leonard Nimoy, he's in it for like 30 seconds as one of the American soldiers and has about one line of dialog; also quite weak. Additionally, aside from being an average episode at best, it's also indirectly responsible for the deaths of Vic Morrow and two child actors since they were killed filming a remake of the episode for the ill-fated "Twilight Zone: The Movie" in 1983.

4. "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet"

I already gave my two cents on this classic "Twilight Zone" episode in a blog post few years ago.

"What more can I say about this episode that most already don't know. If you somehow have no idea what this episode is about, by all means watch it before someone ruins the entire story for you. A sharp looking William Shatner plays the mentally fragile airplane passenger desperately trying to stop a mysterious monster from downing the plane while struggling to find someone who believes him. This episode might be better known to you many as that Simpson's Treehouse of Horror segment "Terror at 5 1/2 Feet". While it has lost some of its power, the tense, claustrophobic directing of a young Richard Donner and Shatner's going mental performance still make it a keeper."

The Shat may have plenty of criticisms about his idiosyncratic acting style, but he is one of the all time masters of playing crazy.

3. "Valley of the Shadow"

I have also visited the "Valley of the Shadow" in a previous post.

"A young man accidentally stumbles across a town where its inhabitants possess scientific knowledge that is light years headed of our own time. This is one of the few hour long Twilight Zone episodes I like. This is not a real famous episode or anything and the main plot itself is fairly flat, but I just dug the soliloquies the town leaders give about how screwed up modern civilization is. The Twilight Zone was always good at waving its finger at modern times, in an entertaining way."

I didn't bother to mention James Doohan's role in the episode back then because well, I didn't even notice him. He plays some random guy in the town that does some exposition and we never see again. I probably watched this episode three or four times before I even noticed that he was in it. As a fan of mainly the "Star Trek" movies, I've grown up with lovable fat, white haired, mustachioed Scotty as opposed to the younger version.

2. "The Encounter"

The setup of the "The Encounter" involves a bigoted World War II veteran and a young assimilated Japanese-American hired to help him clean his attic finding themselves trapped there by some mysterious force. Forced together in this tense, hot, cramped space surrounded by the veteran's old WWII items (including a samurai sword that he took from a dead solider) the two start to go crazy, not unlike that Simpsons episode where Homer and Mr. Burns got stuck in a mountain cabin, leading to a pretty shocking conclusion.

It would ostensibly appear by the premise that the episode would touch upon similar themes of compassion and empathy as "A Quality of Mercy", but it really gets more interesting and complicated then that. The theme of the episode is really an exploration of guilt and the inability to escape the ghosts of the past, figuratively and (since this is the "Twilight Zone") somewhat literally, with both sides coming off as never completely being good or bad. It's a really well made bottle episode carried by the excellent, increasingly sweaty performances of George Takei and Neville Brand (who was a real life war hero). I can't imagine there were too many opportunities for an Asian actor to have such a featured role on a major prime time program in 1964. In an unfortunately note, it is almost impossible to find this episode rerun on syndication since it has received complaints in the past about the racial epithets and characterizations in the story (sort of like how it's difficult to catch the infamous "Puerto Rican Day" episode of "Seinfeld")

1. "Nick of Time"

"Nick of Time" has slowly grown on my over the years to become one of my all time top 10 episodes. One of the things I like about it, is it's a well known episode but isn't doesn't have quite have the level of fame (and number of parodies) as episodes like "Time Enough At Last" or "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", which kind of makes it feel more "mine" like an great album track from your favorite band. If you don't know, the story is a simple one about a young couple on their honeymoon who stop at a random town dinner while their car is being fixed. The husband eventually discovers that the novelty fortune telling machine at their table can magically answer all their questions (in yes or no, maybe later, 8 ball form). However he becomes obsessed with the machine's ability and finds himself unable to leave the dinner and continue his life without its guidance.

As someone who is always anxious about the future, this show really does hit close to home. It is a timeless, life affirming, message of living for today and not being paralyzed by the future told in the Zone's uniquely dark manner. It also has one of the more surprisingly satisfying and positive (well, sort of positive) endings of the series. As for Shatner, it is similar to his other performance as he is an anxious man that's gradually being driven mad, but this is a more subtle and subdued type of madness for him. I also have to give props to the "mystic seer" machine itself which was a really well designed prop piece and gave off a creeping malevolence that made the story work (and is available as a replica bobblehead on Amazon if anyone is looking for a present for my birthday this weekend).

Love in the Time of Dial-Up

Some products and their advertising campaigns are so classic and timeless that they remain virtually the same for years even decades. It's quite a remarkable feat for an ad given the ever changing nature of the marketplace and modern society in general with dynamic shifts in technology and popular culture occurring by the second. This particular AT&T ad for their internet services from 1997 is not one of those ads.

In the fourteen or so years since I last saw the commercial, I am quite shocked at how throughly outdated this spot has become in almost every possible way. The internet service that AT&T is primarily advertising is obviously going to come off as outmoded but really it's all the other incidental stuff in the ad that's truly disturbing. This one minute slice of life vignette of the mid-90's comes dangerously close to total irrelevance to younger viewers and in about another decade or so will become just as unrelatable as a black and white commercial for an Edsel or a Victrola. It's a harsh, undeniable indictment of my oldness that's scarier than any horror film.

Here's how it all breaks down:

• First off, I think it's utterly fitting and proper that Larisa Oleynik plays the female protagonist of this commercial. Few actresses are as closely associated with the mid to late 90s than Larisa. Her entire career essentially runs from the 1994 to 1998 run of "The Secret World of Alex Mac" to her the reoccurring guest role on "3rd Rock from the Sun" to her grand swan song in 1999's "10 Things I Hate About You". Sure she continues to live and her filmography claims that she has been steadily working all throughout the 00's, but can you really say you've noticed her in anything post-"10 Things"? Also, the boyfriend sort of looks like a poor man's Andrew Keegan, another casualty of the 00's.
• Check out out Larisa's vintage period gigantic sweater and jeans ensemble. It looks like she's wearing one of Nicholas Brendon's sweaters from "Buffy". She's practically drowning in wool. A burka would have been more revealing.
• With the recent demise of the classic boxy archetypal station wagon, the boyfriend's sweet ride has now become just a relic of a bygone era. Perhaps one day you'll be showing this ad to your children and they'll ask "Mommy/Daddy, what is that weird looking car that's not as big as minivan but bigger than crossover SUV? Is this what life was really like before the war with the machines?"
• The towering beige monolith and their accompanying bulky CRT monitors are an obvious and expected antiquity (Larissa's weird trackball mouse has aged particularly poorly). With the recent rise of laptops, tablets, smart phones, etc., it would appear that the desktop PC itself may be joining the station wagon soon enough.
• I don't think I need to prove to you that "AT&T WorldNet Service" no longer exists. Also, doesn't it look like they are typing up word documents and emailing them back and forth to each other? These are like the only two suburban teenagers in 1997 without AIM.
• I could devote an entire post just on the primative proto-"sexting" scene that goes on between the young couple. From just a sociological angle, it's fascinating how they both go through all the motions one would imagine from a modern day sexting session despite the fact that the picture couldn't be any tamer. There's the not so subtle flirty back and forth, the mischievous, playful look on Larissa's face as she send out her self shot pic, the sudden look of arousal on the part of the boyfriend when he receives it (maybe it's the first time her saw her sans sweater?), and the dude's eventual picture response (although the polite thing to do today would be to send a dick shot). It's like watching old "scandalous" footage of people wearing full suits to the beach.
• From a technological angle, obviously the major difference is the lack of cellphones. If there was any modern sexting going on here it would most likely be done via SMS. Larisa's method of taking photos of herself with a Poloraid (which they no longer even make film for anymore) and scanning it to her beau is only slightly ahead of drawing a picture and mailing it. I do have to commend her dude's solid MS Paint skills, it was a pretty smooth cut and paste job given the time crunch.

So there you have it. If anyone asks, that's what life was like in America circa 1997. If it was anymore 1997, the Spice Girls would have shown up at the end carrying matching Tamagotchis. Quite unsettling how much everything changes in less than a decade and a half.

Getting old is the worst.

Jawsome!

In news that is of absolutely no value or consequence to everybody else, I am delighted to find out that Washington Nationals outfielder Roger "The Shark" Bernadina was called up from Class AAA Syracuse on Tuesday (he even went a meaningless 2 for 2 in last night's loss to the Mets).

As the owner of a fantasy team with an injury ravaged outfield in a sadistically deep NL Only league (to put things in perspective, the feather hitting Will Venable is an important cornerstone of my outfield), I can only hope that this may be the modest first step in him regaining a starting outfield position (which I reasonably assumed he would get at the beginning of the season when I drafted him) so I can reap the rewards of his sweet potential 15-15 while hitting around .250 abilities. The Shark may not quite be a "superstar" or even a "good player" by some metrics and his excellent defense won't translate into any fantasy value, but he is still probably better than Rick Ankiel or even Laynce Nix.

Additionally, there is no other player on the team, not even the $126 million man, Jayson Werth, that has the perplexingly rabid following, the bizarre folk hero status of Sharkadina (proving the old adage that it is always more fun to be a super fan of a marginal player than a star).

*Update: Well, so much for that, Bernadina just got sent back to AAA a few hours after this article was posted. It was a hell of a ride. For now we can only keep on the watch for additional shark sightings in the future. Maybe Matt Stairs will die of old age and clear up a roster spot.

The Royal Wedding Makes Me Wanna Ralph

I woke up earlier than usual this morning and found myself cycling through all the major networks' prime 7 to 9 am block of morning news shows. Instead of the usual softball interviews with movie stars plugging their new films or tips on how to save at the grocery aisle or cooking segments about guiltless spring cocktails, all the morning shows were completely preoccupied with the shallow and asinine coverage of the upcoming Royal Wedding. The big three networks were even doing live broadcasts from London. I mean, it is still news but a front page story in US Weekly or People Magazine and a week of coverage on Extra and Entertainment Tonight should be enough. It should not be monopolizing all our fluff media outlets. There are too many other stories about dogs driving their owners to the hospital and pieces about celebrity beach bodies that are simply not being reported.

I mean did we lose a war or something? This is America, why should we even care this much (I know Tyler The Creator feels me on this; although to be fair he really doesn't give a shit about anything)? We fought a freakin' Revolutionary War against Prince William's family for crying out loud! As a nation founded on the principles of anti-monarchism it would be more acceptable to me if we devoted this level of attention to a prominent regicide. I imagine the only kinds of US residents that are eager to be up at 4am EST to 1am PST on Friday to watch the wedding live are either a) insane people or b) members of a sleeper cell of Revolutionary War loyalists.

One of the worse parts for me about this royal media frenzy is that despite the over saturation of coverage, not one TV channel has cashed in on this rare opportunity to air the 1991 John Goodman vehicle "King Ralph". As the most prominent mainstream film (aside from "The Queen") about the modern British Royal Family in the last 20 years and one of the most incisive commentaries on the complex historical culture clash between the United States and England, it's the perfect film to capture the zeitgeist of the moment.

If not now then when will the public get another opportunity so apt to watch this film? Its terrible box office history and critical drubbing has shown that it is certainly not meant for casual entertainment or humor. The only other time I can think of where an airing of "King Ralph" would be apropos would be if the entire Royal family perished en mass in some horrifying freak disaster like in the film (how is this movie even seen as a comedy in the UK?), but then you'd probably have some sensitive types claiming that an airing would be inappropriate.

All I'm saying is, the golden "King Ralph" showing window is rapidly closing by the hour. Will no one spare the mere two hours by Friday?

The Numero Uno "Numero Uno" Shirt

I suppose the following post does contain spoilers for the documentary "Pumping Iron" so look away if you don't want to know about the results of the 1975 Mr. Olympia Bodybuilding Competition or if you haven't gotten around to watching your 36 year old DVR of it. Although can one really spoil a documentary about a public event? I mean the records are right there: the Union wins the Civil War, global warming continues unabated, McDonald's is bad for you. Regardless you have been warned.

I recently got around to watching the influential 1977 bodybuilding documentary (although I actually prefer wikipedia's characterization of it as a docudrama) "Pumping Iron". It was really quite entertaining. The insight into the seemingly alien subculture of competitive bodybuilders was interesting enough but the film's real strength was the deft editing and creative license of the filmmakers to craft compelling narratives between the competitors. This is really crucial for any sort presentation of a competition whether it be "Spellbound" or "American Idol". Some personalities came off as villains, some as heroes and it really raised the tension by the time the final results scenes came around.

Of course the film is most known for really raising the public profile of one Arnold Schwarzenegger (sorry "Hercules in New York") and he is the best part of the film. It's easy to say it now but hearing him talk, watching him train, seeing him play mind games with and completely psyching out his arch rival Lou Ferrigno, you just know that this is a dangerously ambitious individual that can essentially will himself to whatever he wants to achieve. There is a strong parallel to fellow icon Michael Jordan in that, in addition to being supremely talented and skilled and being the greatest at their sport, they are both psychotically competitive assholes. Both appear to have an unhealthy burning desire to win at everything at all costs that sets them apart from the merely great, but also ultimately alienates them from almost everyone as well. These character faults just continue become more fascinatingly pronounced as they age and move farther from their competitive primes. Some indications imply that Jordan has gradually become the NBA's Daniel Plainview while Arnold has been recently profiled as being proud of his achievements but deeply repulsed at his own frailty.

So going back to the movie, it comes as little shock at the end when Arnold defeats the younger and larger but not as mentally tough Ferrigno (whose overbearing stage father/trainer also helps) and captures his then record 6th consecutive Mr. Olympia title and retires as the greatest bodybuilder of all time. He celebrates his victory backstage with his fellow bodybuilders, a meal of fried chicken and cake, and a fat blunt. And as an exclamation point on this grand moment of triumph Arnold is seeing wearing a white ringer tee simply proclaiming "ARNOLD IS NUMERO UNO". It is one of the more famous scenes from the film (that and the scene where he explains how bodybuilding makes him feel like he's constantly "cumming").

As I later discovered to my surprise on the internet, the shirt's fame is apparently so great that an entire website and e-merchant exists that exclusively sells replicas of the "numero uno" shirt (and also making custom "[insert name here] IS NUMERO UNO" shirts). Now I know money is made in the most interesting and esoteric of ways on the internet, but I found this to be even more peculiar than most. I recall buying my replica Nigel Tufnel shirt from "This is Spinal Tap" off the internet but the site also specialized in a whole assortment of retro replica shirts. There are plenty of CafePress style custom stores that sell one off generic replicas of the "numero uno" shirt but this site is really dedicated to crafting as accurate a copy was possible right down to the material. It's really the authority for authentic replica shirts. I can't recall any other business devoted to just one shirt from one scene from one movie.

That being said it is a pretty sweet shirt and, if my thrifty immigrant upbringing did not preclude me from paying more than $15 for a simple t-shirt, I would consider ordering a custom made "VICTOR IS NUMERO UNO" to wear on birthdays, anniversaries, and Mr. Olympia victory parties

I Just Wanna Watch The Girls Goin' By!

I am aware that the ideal time for a post about Y&T's 1985 music video for "Summertime Girls" would have been, well, in the summer time. However with the clear end of a historically terrible winter season and the, at least sporadic, return of warm weather I felt compelled to jump the gun a little.

Y&T is one of the more hard luck bands of the 80s hair metal genre. They appeared to be as musically talented and wrote songs that were as catchy as any one of their popular contemporaries, but they never quite reached a true breakthrough level of success (not even Great White or Dokken levels). "Summertime Girls" perfectly demonstrates this star crossed lack of karma. The song and accompanying music video, released during a period of mainstream hair metal domination, could have been any more commercial and pop friendly and nailed all the right notes for successful genre hit. The song is a giddy mix of crunching guitars, soaring metal vocals, good time lyrics, and anthemic choruses covered with a delicious layer of synths. As for the music video itself, it crams basically every rock video trope and cliche that the young medium had developed thus far from Huey Lewis style wackiness to Van Halen inspired cheekiness, placed in front of a sunny So Cal beach backdrop with plenty of chicks in bikinis on roller blades. It was pure naked ambition, the act of a band doing everything in their power to get a breakthrough pop hit. It eventually topped out at #55 on the Hot 100, their highest charting single to date.

Although "Summertime Girls" never really got the popularity and lasting recognition that it deserved, I think the least I can do, over 25 years after the fact, on my obscure little internet blog is to give it a proper in-depth "live blog" analysis in all its four minute glory:

0:00: A sly commentary on the widening income gap and general economic disparity under the Reagan administration's social and economic policies. An interesting way to start a music video indeed.

0:07: I think the "No Accordion Solos" sign was the band's attempt at goading Weird Al Yankovic into doing a parody of their song and thus giving them the extra exposure. I would have gone with "Summertime Grills".

0:10: "Heh heh, just like Oscar the Grouch."

0:14: I guess this is a not-so-subtle metaphor about how the band "rocks"? Also, it kind of makes it look like they were either having sex or hotboxing (or doing both) in that mysterious seaside cave.

0:28: Shooter Gavin's friend from "Happy Gilmore" should have the calibration checked on his "heavy metal detector", it seems to be also picking up "radio friendly pop metal" and "hair metal" as well.

0:33: Also, that's not how metal detectors work.

0:45: Ladies and gentlemen, Y&T!

0:54: And here come the babes. Like most fashions from the 80s I find those high V bikini bottoms to be powerfully unsexy despite the fact that they're more revealing than classic bottoms. I'd think'd almost prefer a woman in a one piece over those things.

1:06: Here comes the wacky cast of characters. The lady in the "Choose Me" shirt seems like an obvious reference to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" but is the lifeguard a more obscure reference to Blotto's "I Wanna Be A Lifeguard"?

1:20: Four surly looking leather bound, chain wearing, biker chicks/dominatrices who are quite improperly dressed for the beach; do I sense a romantic story arch?

1:25: A little initial meet-cute action between the leather chicks and the boys. Also notice the incredibly sloppy acting of the out of place fat member of the band (if SNL ever decides to do an esoteric parody of this video you better believe you'll be seeing Bobby Moynihan in that yellow tank top).

1:39: Of course since those leather chicks are so beyond tough they have to set up shop in the junkyard portion of the beach adjacent to the nearby prison. Badasses!

1:45: He looks like he just completed a shift at Hooters.

1:48: In contrast to all those "good girls" who use sun screen and sun block to protect themselves the leather chicks use highly toxic and ultimately ineffective motor oil. Badasses!

1:56: I wonder why they picked the fat guy to be eating from the lady's headdress instead of romancing mermaids or stealing from nerds?

2:00: You've got to get that that band fake playing their instruments shot in somewhere.

2:08: Chicks in bikinis on roller skates with boomboxes, the triple crown of 80s music videos! You can also read the succession of shots of chicks with bigger boom boxes as the band's commentary on the absurdity of the then increasingly dangerous and costly nuclear and military arms race between the US and the Soviet Union.

2:22: Yes, even the leather chicks are getting in on the rolling action. They look like an extremely skanky yet highly successful roller derby team. Badasses!

2:36: "Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year."

3:02: You know what will really impress that girl? If I blew up the game stand with a bazooka. Good thing there's a fully loaded one right here on top of that box of dynamite!

3:05: There's no indication that he actually shot his bazooka round into the clown's mouth, but I'm pretty sure he at least killed the game operator.

3:22: After a long day of fun and excitement at the beach there's nothing like walking off into the golden sunset while being serenaded by Y&T.

3:25: Gina Gershon?

3:29: That was certainly uncalled for. That robot's just being a dick.

3:40: Just when you thought that our lovelorn quartet were just going to sadly return to their cold, lonely garbage cans and abandoned caves, we get the crowd pleasing Hollywood ending with the once cold hearted leather chicks coming over and (instead of murdering them) giving them a rare smile, taking each of them by the hand and romantically walking off into the sunset. Badasses!

Announcement: Side Bloggin' Plug

Dear reader(s), you may have often wondered while perusing all my updates to this blog: "Gee, that Victor is so boundlessly prolific, maybe he should guest contribute to another blog that's more in need of articles." Well, you poor deluded fool, it looks like Christmas is coming in April this year!

Recently I was conscripted by an old college friend to be a fellow contributor to his latest get rich quick blogging scheme "Nerd Outrage". Despite explaining that I haven't exactly been cranking out the content here at the home office, I was brought on board anyway (if it's to piggyback on my World Series of Pop Culture buzz and fame, he's in for much disappointment). As the site's mission broad statement says, it's generally going to be a forum for opinions and angry dissents about a wide range of topics (we felt the internet hadn't quite reached full snarky blogging saturation yet). While I'm not exactly an "outrage" sort of guy, more of a minor complaint person, I promised to put drop in an article when I can. So I invite you all to check out the blog when you can. The way I figure it since I'm one of five contributors, the frequency would likely be 1/5 of the frequency of the posts I'm putting in here (you might have to break out a calculator if you're going to quantify that small fraction).

As for this side project's affect on the output of "Victor Sells Out", rest easy worried reader, you will get your 4-5 articles a month. This blog has always been and will alway be my main neglected priority.

That's How She Became The Nanny

Truth be told, I never actually watched a single episode of "The Nanny", the 90's hit sitcom that brought Fran Dresher into the mainstream; I never made it past the opening theme. In retrospect I may have even enjoyed watching it. I do find her idiosyncratic voice and her effervescent, hyper-Queens persona to be oddly and somewhat inexplicably charming. I also remember kinda liking "The Beautician and the Beast" (in an odd and somewhat inexplicable manner) which was essentially the entire premise of the "The Nanny" condensed into one film.

Although my "Nanny" viewing history never made it beyond the introduction, I have to admit it was one of my all time favorite television introduction. It had everything that a classic TV theme song/intro needed: a unique visual style, insidiously catchy music and lyrics, and provided efficient introductory narrative exposition to any new viewer. On that last point, "The Nanny" was a masterpiece of economical exposition it laid out the entire 6 season story arch from her unexpected arrival from Queens to her romance with Mr. Sheffield to her conflicts with C.C. to the relationship with the children in less than a minute. If it was any more effective it would have been written by Sherwood Schwartz.

Given how great the intro was, it should not have been such a surprise to me that many of the foreign adaptations of the show (adapted in no less than 10 different countries! Alas no Trinidadian Nanny though. ) copied much of the same style but with (sometimes) subtle cultural variations. My four favorite adaptations I found on youtube were:

Russian Nanny

It's pretty faithful to the original. They try to keep the same style of music but it definitely loses something in the translation. I noticed that the butler makes the Russian Nanny sign some gigantic novelty sized contract, which I guess is standard for all domestic employees over there. Also who is the weird looking lady taking everyone's picture in the end, the Nanny just got hired and she's already outsourcing responsibilities?

Mexican Nanny

I had a friend growing up who had a Mexican nanny, it was never quite as madcap. It's no surprise that one of our closest neighbors also produces the closest version of the show. I actually dig the Latin flavored variation of the theme music, it changes things up without losing the original catchiness. The only other real difference I noticed was the overly cartoonish sound effects.

Polish Nanny

I am not a fan of the Polish Nanny's music. It has a bizarre late 80's, cheesiness to it that I just couldn't get aboard with (also had a weird Rusted Root-style chanting section at the end). Everything else seems to be pretty similar except for the fact that poor Polish Nanny has to resort to using an outdated, Soviet era, electric trolley car to make that initial trip the the Sheffields'; it's hard to look glamorous in that.

Chilean Nanny

The music remains quite faithful but everything else gets radically altered. The animation style completely changes from the minimalist, abstract caricature version to a more fluid, children's cartoon-like version. Also, Chilean Mr. Sheffield comes across as a bit of a sleaze with his Members Only-style jacket and his unabashed leering at the Nanny. The conflict for the affection of Mr. Sheffield between the Nanny and the kids verses C.C. is way more literally expressed as they actually drive her away from Mr. Sheffield (and into the trash). They are definitely messing with the formula but I sort of like the bold new direction.

Two final observations on the adaptations. First, it seems that every country has their own version of going from Queens to Manhattan, whether it be from one part of Santiago to the other or taking the crosstown tram in Warsaw. This would seem to imply that most big cities have a universal Queens/Manhattan dichotomy, whatever that would mean. Second, I wonder how all these shows deal with the overt East Coast Jewishness of Fran (if you think about it, with the exception of "Seinfeld", Fran Fine was the most prominent Jewish character on TV). Most likely none of the characters in the adaption are Jewish, so I guess they'd have to have to fill that gap with some other character trait (I think the Latin based shows just seem to give her bigger boobs).

Beets Me

I'm going to have to ask everyone to bear with me on this one; the comparison may not be apparent at first and some degree of abstraction might be required. I randomly ended up hearing a clip of "Killer Tofu" recently by everyone's favorite fictional rock band The Beets. Now while The Beets on the show Doug were an outright parody of The Beetles, I found the sound of "Killer Tofu" specifically (I can't say the same for any of the other Beets hits like "Shout Your Lungs Out" or "I Need More Allowance") to be oddly similar to a Smiths song. While no one is going to confuse Flounder and Monroe Yoder for Johnny Marr and Morrissey respectively, the song sort of has familiar elements from both members at its core. The guitar has a distinctive Marr jangly sound (seriously, compare the start of "Killer Tofu" to the start of "Hand In Glove", can't you hear it a little?) while the lyrics have that sort of esoteric, first person, woe is me, theme reminiscent of Morrissey's work (and given the anti-fast food/pro-vegetarian message this would obviously be right at home on "Meat is Murder").

Or maybe I just ate t-t-t-t-t-too much fried food.

I Would Like An Orange Julius

I am fully aware that this is my third post out of my last five discussing mid 90s to early-00s Saturday Night Live sketches (given how sparsely I update this blog nowadays, that's probably about half my total output for the year thus far). It wasn't be design or anything, I just happen to post when the feeling strikes me and that feeling this time just happened to be in the form of a long forgotten sketch guest starring Sylvester Stallone from 1997.

Stallone on SNL- 1997 Orange Julius Skit - The best free videos are right here

In his over 40 year career in film, Sylvester Stallone has earned many accomplishments from Oscar-nominated writer/actor, to action icon, to notable softcore porn star, and Boxing Hall of Famer; unfortunately comedic actor is definitely not one of them. Try as he might, his few forays into (intentional) comedies have been nothing short of disastrous. Thus, it comes as a bit of a surprise that his hosting of the premiere of the 23rd season of SNL in 1997 turned out (at least in my memory) to be a pretty solid episode and featured the above "Orange Julius" Sketch; one of my all time top ten favorite SNL sketches.

Everyone has different senses of humor, but my favorite types of SNL sketches are usually ones that end up surprising you with their direction. Often times I find too many lazy sketches where it's entirely reliant on a cheap sight/costume gags or just the irritating mannerisms of the main character (re:almost every Kristen Wiig sketch). I do like those types of sketches in moderation, and if done well, but often a good sketch for me is one that is more based on dialog and the interaction/give and take between the actors; plus a little dash of the absurd doesn't hurt either. I've previously written about this in my post about my all time favorite sketch "Census Taker".

As with the "Census Taker", the "Orange Julius" sketch for me really hits all the right notes for a great sketch. You gets a little suspicious if the sketch is just going to go for some cheap laughs when Stallone comes out with the shirt in the fly, but the sketch quickly devolves into a hilariously surreal exercise in futility with Stallone's Leon trapping Ferrell's pitch perfect computer purchasing straight man into an increasingly frustrating, almost Kafkaesque, episode where he ends up being pressured to buy a vending machine. It's Stallone's performance that really makes the whole thing work. I find his character to be one of the most fascinating one shot characters in memory with all his nuanced quirks from constantly referring to his supervisor by the wrong name or saying one computer is "boss" while the other is "for gays", his inability to pronounce Pentium Processor, to insisting the commander of the Enterprise was Cpt. Clark. You're not sure what exactly his deal is. Is he suppose just supposed to be a bad employee? Insane? Mentally challenged? Just really into Orange Juliuses? He manages to be both infuriatingly inept yet sympathetically earnest as a salesman; and his melodramatic, senseless, meandering speech at the end actually comes off a little bit genuinely sad. Fortunately he gets a happy conclusion that befits the insanity of the sketch.

I don't know, maybe I'm devoting way too much word count to a forgotten sketch that most likely bombed almost 14 years ago; but I can't deny it definitely left a last impression on me all these years later. Also, I never actually had one of those Orange Juliuses, from what I've read they sound pretty good.

Picture This!

One of the things I've been doing with my extra post law school "down time" has been getting around to knocking out some of the more obscure titles in my casual quest to see every Best Picture winning film. It's not really a motivated goal or anything and I doubt I'll ever muster enough enthusiasm to rent and watch "The Broadway Melody of 1929" or "Cavalcade"; basically it comes down to if my local library has it for rent and if I can't find anything better to do. That being said I recently watched, over the span of a week, "How Green Was My Valley" and "Mrs. Miniver", Best Picture winners of 1941 and 1942 respectively and two of the most forgettable and lowest regarded Best Pictures this side of "Crash".

While both pictures essentially lived up to their mediocre billing and ended up being hard 3 star ratings, one of the things I noticed was the male lead for both films Walter Pidgeon

bore an noticeable resemblance to...

"Mad Men" star Jon Hamm (especially when he's all Draper-ed up). It seems lately the Hamm-ster has been trying to leverage his TV success into setting up a big screen career, but it remains to be seen if he will ever come close to putting up the impressive feat of headlining consecutive Best Picture winners. Looking at his upcoming IMDB credits ("Sucker Punch", "Bridesmaids") at least 2011 may be a wash.

Have My Cake...

It is with much excitement and pleasure that after years of searching (well, really more like an hour of searching two years ago and then randomly searching for it recently and immediately finding it) I was able to find the "Sexy Cakes" sketch from Patrick Stewart's classic 1994 appearance on Saturday Night Life, one of my all time favorite SNL sketches.

Cakes by trepid212

I remember during my brief obsession with finding this sketch, I almost contemplated uploading a crude homemade reenactment of it using still pictures and voice over just so younger audiences could have had some sense of it beyond transcripts (my threat to do a similar reenactment of the "Hi-C and Turkey" sketch starring Danny Aiello from 1996 if no one uploads it still stands).

The sketch itself is a pretty funny concept but still fairly one note (an erotic cake maker only makes cakes of people going to the bathroom); what really sells it is Stewart's performance. From start to finish he treats his oddly perverse baker with the dedication and gusto that the show just doesn't get from the other 90% of their guests who awkwardly stumble through scenes with their eyes transfixed on the cue cards. The bulk of the humor comes from his unyielding, singular idea of sexiness (namely women going to the bathroom) and his effusive enthusiasm, bordering on titillation, about the supposed sexiness of his creations; contrasted with the disappointed and confused reactions of his customers (also want to note that Rob Schneider as the subdued straight man is sort of an odd choice). Additionally, that fact that the sketch doesn't overstay its welcome and has a nice, well defined ending with a comedy beat (the inability to end a sketch properly is the biggest problem that sinks good sketches) raises it to the level of an all time classic in my book. Sure, nowadays Sir Patrick is all game for comedic cartoon voice over work and cheeky cameos, but this sketch was one of the first to really come upon the inspired formula of using his distinct authoritative voice and classically trained acting abilities to do surreal, often times dirty, comedy.

Witty One-Liner I Would Give About Recently Dismissed BYU Basketball Player Brandon Davis From My Opening Monologue If I Hosted A Late Night Show

"Hey did any of you hear about that basketball player from BYU, Brandon Davis? One of the best players on the team but he got suspended for apparently violating the school's strict honor code of having premarital sex with his girlfriend. Yeah, that's right...And here I thought that the Mormon Church encouraged missionary work!

Stick around after the break, we'll talk to George Hamilton about his new movie..."

P.S.

As for my own personal thoughts on the matter; I have to say that BYU showed some exceptional integrity in staying true to their policies given the season they are having and the potential ramifications of losing one of their top players (in fact they just got crushed by New Mexico and probably lost their chance at a 1 seed). Is their code (which, among other things, bans drinking coffee and tea, foul language, beards, and sandals) unduly strict and unrealistic relative to most colleges? Probably, but then again it's what they believe in and what all the players agree to follow; and with all the stories of crooked coaches, compromised programs, and academic improprieties in the big business of college sports, BYU's actions are at the very least respectable. For me the bigger question is: how the hell do they manage to convince any good non-Mormon recruits to come and play there (seriously given their moral handicaps, their 1984 undefeated college football championship must be one of the greatest sports accomplishments of all time)?

The H is O

As if the latest chapter in the historic New York Knicks - Milwaukee Bucks rivalry wasn't enough to drive New York basketball fans into a frenzy, if you haven't heard, tonight is also the debut of newly acquired star Carmelo Anthony. After months upon endless months of speculation and negotiation, the "Melo-drama" (it'll be many a years before sports writers will have a situation with such a perfectly tailor-made phrase) finally came to an end after a funky 13 player trade threesome between the Knicks, the Nuggets, and the Timberwolves.

The reaction to the blockbuster trade among fans and writers is wide and varied. Some consider it to be a bold move by the Knicks to obtain the additional superstar they need to compete with the likes of Boston and Miami in the east, some say the Knicks gave up way too much in a situation where they had most of the leverage, some fear the creeping influence of smiling, franchise-killing, former GM/Coach Isiah Thomas all over the deal, and some say most of those things through an insanely esoteric analogy to the decade plus old SNL short film "The H is O".

Honestly, until I recently read this article, I never expected anyone in my entire lifetime to independently reference that short; it's probably one of the weirdest five minutes of SNL ever (everyone should watch it at least once, it really is as crazy as the description in the article), it's more bizarrely interesting than funny, it's from a fairly forgotten era of the show (late 90s-early 00s) that only people who saw the original airings or watched an inordinate amount of reruns on E! would even have a chance of remembering (I fall into the former, I cannot vouch for Mr. Dwyer). The only reason I even remember the sketch is that it put in me in the habit of using the phrase "The H is O" when referring to "The Heat is On" (which comes up at least a dozen times in my everyday conversations).

I guess the analogy to the sketch sort of makes sense, but did the writer really have no better example to use of doing something regrettable just for the sake of proving you can. It's a pretty relatable feeling; perhaps a personal anecdote. Maybe some higher brow reference to a pyrrhic victory? Even a slightly less obscure SNL sketch probably could have been used (oh like almost anything from the past 36 years). In the end though I'm not condemning the "The H is O" reference, just trying to wrap my head around the fact I'm writing a blog post right now about someone referencing the "The H is O" (in a story about a basketball trade no less!). The internet is a strange and scary place.

Perhaps we can expect a future article from Mr. Dwyer on NBA collective bargaining negotiations that references the other SNL short film where Steve Buscemi runs a food pawn shop in Brooklyn.

But, Ironhead....

For such an imposing figure with a tough guy reputation and one of the all time greatest NFL nicknames, the late Craig "Ironhead" Heyward had one of the most mediocre 11 year careers a running back could have had in the NFL (4,301 rushing yards, 4.2 ypc, 30 TDs, 1 Pro Bowl). He was basically Jerome Bettis with the numbers of Tyrone Wheatley (his most similar player according to Pro-Football Reference). Try as I might he has never come up as the answer on a single NFL related Sporcle quiz (maybe one day when someone makes a Falcons running backs of the mid 90s quiz). His fan made Youtube "highlight" reel runs barely past a minute and although there are plenty of NES Tecmo Super Bowl clips of contemporary RBs like Bo Jackson and Christian Okoye dominating defenses, the only such clip I could find of Ironhead was him dutifully eating clock for nearly 2 quarters.

While it is quite obvious that Ironhead Heyward was more reputation than actual performance, it is that same tough guy reputation that is actually responsible for, what I think is, his greatest legacy. Perhaps some of the younger folks haven't been around long enough to recall (I even I was pretty young then) but there was a time up to the late 90s in the pre-Axe Body Wash, Queer Eye, metrosexual world where the concept of a man using a body wash was a foreign and strange notion. Nowadays, bath sponges hanging freely and body wash containers lie throughout male inhabited showers all across America but this humbling of the mighty bar that once dominated the showers didn't happen overnight, it took the concentrated efforts of marketers and manufacturers.

At the forefront of this shower room sea change was Zest Body Wash who in an effort to dispel the image of body washes being dainty and unmanly went to a pitchman whose public image was the complete antithesis, enter Ironhead. Anyone who watched a decent amount of TV in the mid to late 90s remembers the ubiquitous series of spots (I remember they were on all the time during wrestling) where an angry, towel draped, pre-shower, Ironhead challenged the viewer to put aside all their preconceptions and try a round with Zest, aggressively attacking any reservations in the viewers' minds ("What's with this thingy?") of bathing with a body wash. The message was clear, if Zest Body Wash provided a better clean and was macho enough for surly NFL power backs when it was good enough for the average guy. This approach, along with Axe's well documented "this body wash will literally make women insane for you" advertising contributions essentially created the men's body wash market we know today. Interestingly Old Spice Body Wash's current campaign follows the exact blueprint of the old Zest ads (former/current NFL players in the shower aggressively asserting the manly effectiveness of their product) with a slightly surrealist bent.

So while it's highly unlikely that Ironhead Heyward will get that bust in Canton, if they ever make some sort of crazy pitchman Hall of Fame, his contributions in the field of personal hygiene product marketing would guarantee him a place right next to the Hathaway Shirt Man and Dos Equis Guy.

Picture This!

I had just recently finished watching my Netflix copy of 1958 Best Picture Academy Award Winner (and overall poor man's "My Fair Lady") "Gigi" and was about to put it in the return envelope when I noticed something about the the iconic title font that I had never noticed before.

Now am I crazy or is a title font like that better suited for a disturbing "Saw"-like horror thriller than a lavish, G-Rated, period piece musical? I guess with a winking Leslie Caron head doting the "I" it never looked all that menacing on the poster, but really in this context it reminds me of a grittier version of the title font for "Cujo".

Perhaps in another universe "Gigi" is actually a gruesome piece of unsettling torture porn where it turns out that, in addition her striking beauty and youthful, charming personality, the title character hides a unquenchable homicidal blood lust; a secret that her handsome, love stuck beau Gaston (among many others) figures out far too late.

Any producers out there who feel like desecrating a classic, get in touch. I'll whip up a treatment in no time.

No, Money Down.

I don't think Peter Fonda knows how fortunate he is this morning. He was just a mere comma away from making next month's Oscar Death Montage. I didn't actually end up clicking and reading the full article itself, but I assume the "dead body" was eventually determined to be his career post "Thomas and the Magic Railroad".

Five things that, according to Macho Man Randy Savage, are not as exciting as eating Slim Jims

Potato Chips

By far Macho's most restrained, stripped down, production.

Working at a Pizza Place

It's fairly obvious who has "snapped" here.

Studying at the Library

I think the librarian's question was more than reasonable.

Replacing Light Bulbs

Does the store owner really deserve all that abuse?

Amateur Productions of "Romeo & Juliet"

"Art Thou Bored?"

Man I miss watching Saturday afternoon wrestling in the 90s.

Are You Ready to Ride the Snake?

I just noticed that Jim Carrey will be hosting the first new Saturday Night Live of 2011 tonight. Astonishingly enough this will be his first time hosting since 1996! I don't know about you but I find it a bit baffling that such a modern comedy giant and sketch comedy veteran, who would likely be the most ideal kind of host for the show, was last on to promote the release of "The Cable Guy". Perhaps he still has a lingering loyalty to his early "In Living Color" days and is reluctant to appear on their old rival (which, if true, I would totally support since I never liked the idea of people on other less prominent sketch comedy shows eventually becoming famous enough on their own to host the evil empire; fortunately I don't think we'll have a problem with any superstar former "Mad TV" cast members coming on)?

Overall the fact that Jim Carrey is hosting isn't something I am all that excited about. The show will most likely still be about 85% comfortably mediocre to terrible (at least this time it'll probably more due to the writing than the host's performance). The lone exciting prospect for me about the return of Jim Carrey is the remote possibility of the return of one of my favorite SNL sketches: "Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters". While all SNL bits are subject to major diminishing returns, to once again see a hyper manic, meth addled, Carrey urging his audience to "Ride the Snake" would be infinitely superior to some one note sketch about New House Speaker John Boehner crying too much or an extended edition of "What Up With That?". Actually I think the skit could still work 15 years later. If anything the sketch is more relevant today than ever, obesity is way up and, as the news and "Breaking Bad" has shown, meth-amphetamine use is rampant.

All I can say is I'm more than ready to "Ride the Snake".