Thursday, August 21, 2008

...But Seriously

It was reported earlier this week that everyone's favorite pop superstar settled his divorce with wife number three Orianne Cevey in a London Court for a record sum of $46.5 million dollars. On a positive note, since it tops Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' previous record settlement by a cool million, he can in a way claim to be bigger than a Beatle (note to Kevin Federline: you may want to talk to your lawyers about getting a change of venue to England). According to the article, poor Phil has spent an estimated $84 million dollars in divorce settlements to his exes (that's a lot of copies of "No Jacket Required"). Also, after reading the line about how he divorced his second wife in 1994 via fax, am I the only one who immediately pictured it to have read: "Hello, I Must Be Going!"?

While there doesn't appear to be any private details on how or why they decided to split, one can only wildly speculate on their personal conversations using as many of the titles of his hit singles as possible:

[Imagine, an tension filled car ride home from an equally tense, awkward dinner]

Phil: Are you alright honey? I sensed that there was something wrong in the air tonight.

Orianne: ...I've been thinking a lot lately about life, the kids, about us and with all your recent touring and recording it just seems we're living separate lives.

Phil: Do you remember? When we got married we knew what we were getting into. We know what our situation was. We said we'd make it work. And we made it work; against all odds (take a look at me now)!

Orianne: I know, I know. You said you weren't going to be an easy lover; that you can't hurry love. And for the first few years I really thought we had made it work. It was heaven, but--

Phil: Something happened on the way to heaven, didn't it?

Orianne: I just can't take it. For a while we made do, we had a groovy kind of love. But I've had enough. You're never around, you hardly have any time for me or the children. While you're off touring around the world, winnings Oscars, and planning reunions, your family is home wondering we you'll be back!

Phil: You think this is easy for me? You think this is just another day in paradise for me? Being away from home, not being able to watch my kids grow up? You think it's easy being Phil Collins?

Orianne: You, you, you! That's all you're concerned with aren't you! I should have seen your true colors from the start. This is what I get for marrying a man who makes his face the center of every album he makes! Well let me tell you something, Phil. You may think it's all about you but it takes two hearts to make a marriage work.

Phil: Listen, honey you have to hear both sides of the story--

Orianne: Sorry, dear but I've heard it all before. I know forever you'll be in my heart but I think it's the best for both of us if we went our separate ways.

Phil: I think you're overreacting. I think we should just give it some time, at least one more night.

Orianne: We've already given it time, over 8 years of time and I just don't think we can go on. Please, just take me home to my mother's. Call me in the morning. I case you've forgotten I've written it down for you.

[The couple silently continue towards the mother's house. They arrive, Orianne opens the door and exits]

Orianne: Don't lose my number.

Phil: I won't...Well this have been one miserable night. It certainly looks like I missed again.

Orianne: Sussudio?

Phil: Sussudio.

...and scene!

P.S. For those of you who thought this post was more than a little ridiculous, just be glad I decided not to use any Collins-Era Genesis hit titles as well ("Our marriage is certainly trapped in a land of confusion!")

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