Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Moves Like Urkel

One thing I do not understand about the reality competition series "Dancing With The Stars" is how the more popular the show gets the more it seems to lower the bar for what constitutes a "star". Looking over the lists of contestants from it's inception in 2005 to the recently released list of dancers for the 2012 season, there really isn't a marked increase in the prestige level of the participants; one can argue that the quality has actually declined in recent years. Interestingly enough, in the specific category of contestants that were NFL wide receivers, it's an unambiguously straight decline from the undisputed greatest wide receiver of all time, Jerry Rice; to borderline/potential Hall of Famers Chad Ochocinco and Hines Ward; to the solid, but unspectacular, Donald Driver.

The selection that seems to be generating the most buzz from this year's staple of has-beens, C-listers, and sports personalities is the surprising return of pioneering TV blerd Jaleel White, aka Steven Q. Urkel; providing further proof that he is indeed still alive.

While I am always in favor of former "Family Matters" cast members finding work outside of the adult film industry, I do have a slight beef with the Urk-man getting cast. The premise of "Dancing With The Stars" is to pair a professional dancer with a celebrity with little to no dancing experience and have the couples compete among themselves. One would agree that it would be downright unfair and against the spirit of the show to have a celebrity participate who was already an accomplished dancer, someone who was no stranger to the dance floor, someone talented enough to inspire say their own 90's dance craze.

With a dancing pedigree like that, the man is clearly a ringer. Frankly, is there any other participant that can stand a chance? A Pips-less Gladys Knight? The aging Jack Wagner? Some guy named William Levy? Maybe Martina Navratilova's steely competitive spirit may give her an outside shot. However, we haven't even ruled out the possibility that White will utilize his "boss sauce" fueled transformation machine and turn into the super smooth Stefan Urquelle (that New Jack Swing themed episode is as good as won), or use the machine to channel the dancing talents of Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly like that time he became Bruce Lee to beat up some gangbangers. If that's the case, all bets are off.

I don't even want to get into the utter destruction that'll occur if the show's producers neglect to prohibit the use of any Urkelbot surrogates.

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