10! Again....

This is just another in my continuing traditional of posting useless filler entries to make up my self prescribed arbitrary monthly quotas.

In somewhat of a post script to my previous entry on AT&T's unorthodox cellphone advertisements, I also wanted to mention another commercial (this time for the Go Phone) that caught my attention:

The part that initially grabs my attention are the inspired choices for voice acting. The gingerbread son is obviously voiced by Norm McDonald and I'm fairly sure the gingerbread father is voiced by none other than Steve Buscemi. Norm brings his trademark indifference to the reading of a character that is suppose to be youthful and excited over phone while the pure frustration Steve's character displays at the unstoppable forces eating his house ("Come on man, it's the holidays!") reminds me of his character from "Ghost World". Once you add that to the completely surreal situation of a suburban gingerbread father balancing cellphone costs and repairing his house from constant consumption, you get a truly interesting 30 seconds (at least for the first 10,000 times I'll see it).

If only those stupid Chips Ahoy cookies reacted this way their divine hands of fate.

Final Words...

Cellphone commercials are generally a loathsome lot. First there's the problem that cellphone service has reached a point of such uniformity that there's really nothing special one company can offer you except annoying bells and whistles that most people never need anyway. It's pretty difficult to put out a compelling, unique advertisement under those circumstances. Secondly, cellphone commercials seem to be the single most ubiquitous and overplayed advertisements on TV. Sure, beer and car commercials are pretty widespread but those are usually more heavily concentrated around sports programming. Such a universal product like cell phones can be advertised at any given time on any given channel. I'm pretty sure one can't make it through a standard network commercial break without a visit from the Wizard, or the dysfunctional roll over minute family, or everyone's favorite bespectacled douchbag. Aside from one lone amazing exception, the best a cellphone commercial can hope for is to be borderline tolerable.

That brings me to AT&T's line of commercials featuring personalized versions of people's cell phones literally calling themselves to tell them how they won't get the call. While there are clearly some haters, I for one don't really mind these commercials all that much. They may be overplayed as much as the other ones, but their uncanny amount of variety (I can probably think of at least five more along with the five listed) do a good job of mitigating the annoyance. I also find the whole format to be moderately novel and presented well. While all the situations have been exaggerated for obvious comic effect, at the core these are pretty relatable problems associated with insufficient cell phone service (business miscommunication, inability to contact a friend, lost opportunities, etc.). Although I have yet to run into a situation outside of a fallout shelter where I get no bars, I'm sure for some people out there this must be a recurring problem.

Going back to the ads, like I said, they're all slightly wacky but tame situations. The worst that could happen to someone is a perhaps getting fired or spending a night in the wrong hotel or missing a concert. I once joked that perhaps they should start increasing the stakes in these commercials to the point where not switching to AT&T cellphone service will lead to a gruesome and untimely death. Well, imagine my shock when I can across the latest AT&T ad:

He died!! Poor Mr. Sanchez's unwise choice for cellphone service cost him and the two other members of the Action News team their lives. Doesn't anyone find this to be deeply disturbing? Why is there no uproar about what's going on here? On the whole, I can't think of any ads outside of anti-drug/smoking/gun violence public service announcements that explicitly show death as a possible consequence of not using their product. Sure Bud Light emphasizes their "drinkability" over other beers but you'd never expect them to say you'd DIE if you went for Coors!

I really don't know what to make of this commercial. On the one hand it's probably the most provocative cellphone commercial I've ever seen, on the other hand it treats a horrific multi-fatal accident with the same flip attitude as the Michael Phelps fan missing out on meeting him. If this is the strange new direction AT&T is headed with their alter-ego campaign then may I suggest the next one be a kooky version of the Brian McKnight "Back at One" video, but with the guy not having the bars to make a final call to his wife. Hilarious! In the end, I guess it did its job by burning a small hole in my memory, perhaps not for the best of reasons. I know one thing, if I were a television reporter who constantly covered building demolitions, I'd consider switching plans.

Blackest Friday

Apparently out of control, borderline insane, holiday season consumerism is not as rip-roaringly hilarious as Arnold would have you believe. Despite all the news of bloodshed in Mumbai, Somali pirates hijacking tankers, and the killings in Congo; somehow this recent story about a Walmart employee being trampled to death on Black Friday filled me with a special sadness.

I once read a story about a zookeeper who, while tending to a contispated elephant, was killed when he was suddenly buried under hundreds of pounds of fresh elephant feces. This Walmart employee's death seems somehow an even worse way to go. If you start thinking in grand cosmic, existenalist themes, you could say this man could have died fighting for his country in a war, or randomly struck by lightening, or at a ripe old age surrounded by loved ones after living a long and fulfilling life. Instead, he was murdered by about two hundred crazed surburbanites, at five in the morning, at a Walmart on Long Island, looking to save a few bucks on some off brand dvd players and digital picture frames.

I mean what a way to go. It's bad enough that you're working at Walmart and they've got you stocking inventory since probably around three in the morning, the day after Thanksgiving; now you're being stomped to death by a stampede of individuals insane enough to be storming a Walmart at 5 in the morning after Thanksgiving. I'm sure anti-commericalism activists are going to be all over this perectly gift-wrapped example of holiday commercialism gone wrong, but for me it's just the human tragedy of the whole thing. I just wonder if any of those early bird shoppers will realize, wearlily sitting at home after a day of piling up debt, carrying bags and boxes, and sitting in traffic, that they had collectively put a man to death.

Men be acting all like zombies at the mall indeed.

Thank U

A happy message of thanks from all of us (using the royal "we" there) at Victor Sells Out. Being so swept up in the seasonal spirit (and needing any reason to take a break from killing myself over this final paper), here's a personal hand turkey using nothing but a sharpie and a highlighter for the whole internet to enjoy. As you can see I even named him after recently deceased author and oral historian Studs Terkel.

So what am I thankful for this year?:

• The quality display of sidal nudity for Britney Spears' "Womanizer" video. As a fan of all forms of sidal from side boobs to Rochelle, Rochelle, I must say it was an exemplary achievement in partial nudity.

• Cheap gas. Sure it's driven by the reduced fuel demands of the dismal US economy and is actually an ominous sign of further economic troubles; but yesterday I filled up at $1.79 a gallon! I'm pretty sure I was in high school the last time it got this low. You stick some AP history textbooks in the backseat and Weezer's Green Album in the front dash and it's senior year all over again!

• The promise of a free bottle of my favorite beverage courtesy of Axel Rose.

• The Wendy's Double Stack still being a fixture of the Super Value Menu. It's comforting to know that even during these tough times for our country, the Super Value Menu can still give me this piece of delicious double barreled fast food pleasure for a buck.

• Batman: The Complete Animated Series. The entirety of my beloved Batman series, all together in a big shiny, feature-laden box set; complete with art book. If anyone has about 75 bucks to throw around...

• A nationally televised RickRoll. It would have been an even more enjoyable surprise had they not previously announced him at the beginning of the broadcast. Despite the spoiler, I still didn't think he'd actually come out and sing the song! It made for the most entertaining parade since that one year the Sonic the Hedgehog balloon went nuts and took out a lamppost.

• And of course like every year, I give thanks for another year of comfortably humorous "Lockhorns" comic strips. Bitter jokes about women drivers and mother-in-laws and husbands not asking for directions will be never go out of style.
  

And of course, the only real reason why anyone would check out a blog post titled "Thank U":

Dr. Pepper gets in the ring!

In case anyone didn't know (or stopped caring), the fifteen year wait for Guns N' Roses' 6th studio album finally ended with today's release of "Chinese Democracy". It's a day of mixed emotions. I'm sad that I won't be able to use the classic "what will come first? Chinese Democracy the album or actual Chinese Democracy?" line anymore at parties. I'm glad that I can now give my weathered, well worn copy of "The Spaghetti Incident?" a rest. However, the most amazing part of the day is that Dr. Pepper has kept their promise to provide everyone in America with a free Dr. Pepper with the release of the album.

I have to give the folks out in Plano, TX credit, when I first heard about their bizarre, completely random bounty for the next GNR album back in March, I had written it off as just an empty publicity stunt. At the time it seemed like one of those ridiculous wagers that one never expected to lose. Sort of like promising your son that you'll be a family again if the last place Angels somehow win the pennant. However, when Axl and crew actually put it on the line, the Dr. actually delivered. While a lesser soft drink company would have feigned ignorance or just kept mum about the incident, Dr. Pepper actually stepped up.

Although the site right now sort of broken from the excess surge of users, and the fact that the whole process (web application, 4-6 week delivery of coupon, redemption instructions) seems to have as much red tape and hurdles as a Soviet bread line; you can't deny that the Dr. is working to fill its half of the bargain. So for anyone looking to be a pepper, you've got until midnight.

*Update, due to popular demand the offer has been extended to 6pm EST Monday. Remember to cross those ts and dot those lower case js.

Hypothetical playlist for a "Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Viewing Party"

I'm not saying I will be throwing a Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Party (with complementary Burt mustaches for everyone to wear), but if I ever do find myself planning such an event this is how it'll probably go down. To clarify, this night of tribute to the man who single-handedly defined hairy American masculinity through the 70s and 80s will concentrate on Burt's often overlooked (and quite prolific) catalog of straight action vehicles. This means that some of his more well known and successful works from his other genres like action comedy (Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit), sports (The Longest Yard, Semi-Tough), and Peter Bogdanovich directed period flops (At Long Last Love, Nickelodeon) will be excluded. The fare will be limited to straight up Burt Reynolds mustachioed action.

8:00 pm
White Lightning (1973)

It is a bit of a controversial move to kick off a "Burt Reynolds Action Mustache Party" with a movie featuring a mustache-less Burt, however, I think he shows shows enough chest hair throughout to make up the difference. This has everything one would expect from a Burt Reynolds action picture: crooked authority figures (one of the all time great crooked sheriff performances by Ned Beatty), some blonde love interest, moonshine, car chases, cumbersome fist fighting, guns; all deliciously country-fried to perfection. It's sort of a less carefree version of the "Dukes of Hazzard." Reynolds would essentially remake this film in one way or the other for about the next 20 years.

10:00 pm

Gator (1976)

Having just witnessed the action packed conclusion of "White Lightning", everyone obviously wants to know what becomes of Reynold's Gator McKlusky in this sequel. The story is essentially along the lines of "White Lightning", except you replace the evil sheriff with the evil politician (played by future Smokey and the Bandit series co-star Jerry Reed). Gator drives, shoots, punches, and gets with Lauren Hutton; all carried by his trademark smart alecky southern charm. This was also Burt's feature directorial debut.

12:00 am

Sharky's Machine (1981)

You wouldn't believe how disappointed I was when I learned that the titular "machine" was not some type of fantastic crime fighting robot but rather the name given to the ragtag group of investigators that aid Sharky in his quest to put away the crooked governor involved in a high class prostitution ring (unbelievable I know). As with any action film involving prostitution rings, there is indeed a hooker with a heart of gold (Rachel Ward) and, yes, she eventually gets with Sharky.

2:00 am
Stick (1985)

I have to admit I haven't got around to watching "Stick" but from what I've gathered, it looks like a winner. You've got Reynolds playing his Gator-esque ex-con looking to make good but getting involved with crooked characters, a sexy Candice Bergen as a possible fem fatale, more Burt directing, and a story by Elmore Leonard. To me the whole thing sort of looks like an action packed version of "Body Heat" except with more mustachioed ass kicking.

4:00 am

Malone (1987)

All those who made it all the way through to 4 will be rewarded with this spectacular conclusion to the Burt action period. What can I write that wikipedia's quoting of the Allmovie guide hasn't already written:

Malone (Burt Reynolds) has been a "wet" operative for the CIA for many years, serving his country by performing assassinations. He is tired of his job and wants to get out of "the company" (as it is called) and live a normal life. He is looking along the Pacific Northwest for a place to settle down when his much-cherished classic Mustang breaks down outside the town of Comstock. He manages to get to a small gas station and is treated like family by a Vietnam veteran, who is the station's owner, and his daughter. They are suffering from the nefarious activities of a local bigwig (Cliff Robertson) to take over all the land in the city in a hare-brained development scheme. He soon runs afoul of the town sheriff, who is basically an employee of the developer, but eventually wins his respect. Meanwhile, the CIA is none too pleased to hear of Malone's intended retirement and send a succession of hit-men after him to ensure that he divulges none of their dirty secrets. Malone destroys the first two killers at some cost to his own well-being. The next assassin turns out to be a woman who is susceptible to his charms. Meanwhile, he has a thorough-going local scoundrel to put out of business

There seems to be at least a half dozen action cliches in that plot description. While the marathon party may be wrapping up after Malone around 6, there is always the possibility of some sweet extra breakfast Burt if one of the cable channels is airing an episode of "Evening Shade."

Rule of Three: 90s MLB Kids' Fantasy Movies

My continuing series of explorations into esoteric pop culture triplicates brings us today to the mid 90s where a trio of classic kids baseball films came to fill me and the rest of my generation with completely unrealistic expectations for success in Major League Baseball. Of course the three films I'm referring to are "Rookie of the Year", "Little Big League", and "Angels in the Outfield"; three movies with surprisingly bizarre similarities in themes and structure that go beyond the obvious "kids involved the major leagues" concept to almost make it a genre onto itself.

Breaking each movie down individually based on my disturbingly detailed memory of the films and a little help from the Wik, it becomes quite apparent that these films shared more than just the main unifying concept. Also, before I go ahead I just want to note that yes, I am ignoring that other seminal childhood baseball movie "The Sandlot." But before anyone cries foul (Get it? Baseball? Foul? Hilarious...) the movie is really all about kids playing baseball rather than kids playing/being involved with Major League Baseball. By the time the movie gets to the majors the two friends have grown up, so there's really no novelty in that. The only other kid friendly 90s movie I can think of is the 1996 Matt LeBlanc, sports monkey classic "Ed" which is left off the list for obvious reasons.

I guess I should mention that there will probably some spoilers. Although come on, it's been almost 15 years, unless you're currently under ten (do your parents know you're reading this blog?) you've either seen these films or have no real intention of seeing them in the future.

Rookie of the Year (1993)

Basics: 12 year old Little Leaguer Henry Rowengartner discovers that the tendons in his recently broken arm have healed in an unexpected manner, leaving him with the ability to throw triple digit fastballs. Under much media scrutiny, he is signed by the Chicago Cubs. He leads the last place team to a final deciding game at the end of the season for a playoff spot, and, according to the ring shown at the end an eventual World Series title (thus clearly landing the film in the category of pure fantasy/science fiction). He eventually loses his talent but happily returns to being a kid again.

Broken Home: Father abandoned the family, raised by his independent, floater throwing, single mother.

Supporting Friend Characters That Tell the Protagonist How Much They've Changed: He's got two of them.

Baseball Player on the Team who becomes a replacment Father Figure: Aging starting pitcher Chet "Rocket" Steadman played by Gary Busey who helps Henry adjust to the intimidating situation of being a 12 year old MLB pitcher. It's implied that he may possibly become a literal father figure based on the growing relationship between him and Henry's mom. Although having Gary Busey as your father figure may not be the best idea.

Evil Player that Appears as the Final Out: The slovenly NY Met and John Kruk look-a-like, "Butch" Heddo who originally hits a home run against Henry in his first game and comes back as the crucial final out in the final game of the season right after Henry loses his ability to throw heat. Fortunately Butch can't handle the off speed softball floater.

Evil Non-Playing Nemesis: Henry's mother's douchy boyfriend Jack who acts as Henry's manager. He greedily exploits Henry for profit all through the film but eventually gets kicked out after attempting to sell Henry to the Yankees.

Incredulous In-Game Commentator: The late great John Candy.

Little Big League (1994)

Basics: 12 year old Little Leaguer Billy Heywood discovers that his grandfather has died, leaving him with ownership of the Minnesota Twins. Under much media scrutiny, he fires the current manager and assigns himself manager of the Minnesota Twins. He manages the last place team to a final deciding game at the end of the season for a playoff spot, which they surprisingly lose. He eventually resigns from the team but happily returns to being a kid again.

Broken Home: Father died at a young age, raised by his independent, single mother.

Supporting Friend Characters That Tell the Protagonist How Much They've Changed: Possibly the same two goobers from the previous movie.

Baseball Player on the Team who becomes a Father Figure: Star first baseman Lou Collins played by Timothy Busfield who helps Billy adjust to the intimidating situation of being a 12 year old MLB manager. He basically becomes a literal father figure after Billy allows him to propose to his mother despite not hitting a home run to win the game as stipulated prior to the last game.

Evil Player Nemesis that Appears as the Final Out: Real life MLB star, and then Seattle Mariner, Ken Griffey Jr. who breaks the hearts of children everywhere by hitting the go-ahead home run at the beginning of the crucial final game and then robbing Timothy Busfield of the potential game winning homer with a spectacular catch at the end.

Evil Non-Playing Nemises: Hard-ass ex-manager George O'Farrell played by the always hard-ass Dennis Farina. His poor managing skills and mistreatment of the players is the impetuous for Billy's decision to fire him and step in. He possibly returns as the manager of the rival Mariners but I'm not quite sure on that.

Incredulous In-Game Commentator: Real-life Twins announcer John Gordon who, for some reason, had to play a fictional version of himself under a different name.

Angels in the Outfield (1994)

Basics: 12 year old baseball fan Roger discovers that his father has decided to abandon him in foster care, leaving him with the sarcastic response that they'll be a family again when the last place Angels win the pennant. Incapable of understanding sarcasm, Roger prays to God to help the Angels out so he could have a family again. God sends actual angels to secretly help the team cheat. Roger convinces manager George Knox (Danny Glover in full "I'm too old for this shit mode") to follow his advice. However soon people pick up on this seemingly crazy strategy and under much media scrutiny, Roger reveals his incredulous secret. The Angels stop helping the team but they still win the final deciding game at the end of the season for a playoff spot anyway and he happily returns to being a kid again.

Broken Home: Father leaves, raised by independent willed, foster parent (the always independent and motherly Brenda Flicker).

Supporting Friend Characters That Tell the Protagonist How Much They've Changed: His adorable black friend J.P.

Baseball Player on the Team who becomes a Father Figure: Aging starting pitcher Mel Clark played by Tony Danza who ends up defending Roger and George and rallies the team around their cause. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to him it is revealed to Roger that he will be dead in 6 months so George ends up becoming the literal father figure by actually adopting both Roger and J.P.

Evil Player Nemises That Appears as the Final Out: Real life MLB semi-star Carney Lansford as the "intimidating" White Sox hitter that Tony Danza has to get out sans angel to win the game.

Evil Non-Playing Nemesis: Skeptical atheist in-game commentator Ranch Wilder, who aside from being a long time nemesis of Knox, almost ruins everything after reporting on the implausible use of Angels and jeopardizing Knox's job. Not as blatantly evil as the others in my opinion. Wasn't he just being a responsible sports journalist?

Incredulous In-Game Commentator: Double duty, see above.



One interesting note, all three films came out during the one year stretch just prior to the 1994 baseball strike. In fact, "Angels in the Outfield" debuted roughly a month before the season was shutdown. That sort of really knocks the wind out of the whole "magic of baseball" and "love of the game" messages expounded by all three films. Adding together the ill will generated post strike, the overall taint of the steroids era, the overtaking by football as the most nation's most popular sport, and the generally increased cynicism of 12 year old children today, it's fairly certain that such movies are truly a relic of our childhoods.

Just What I Needed

In another sign o' the economic times, the number 2 consumer electronics retailer in the country, Circuit City, filed for bankruptcy protection just the other day. Objectively this bit of economic news appears to be another depressing example of the financial crisis gripping this country as we head towards what will most likely be an exceptionally dour Christmas season (think Merle Haggard's "If We Make It Through December"). However, let it be said that there is always a silver lining in the most pessimistic of situations. A possible dissolution of the Circuit City corporation would essentially guarantee that they will never again air those commercials featuring "Just What I Needed" by the Cars.

I know that it has been a few years since those once ubiquitous ads terrorized the nation. In fact, there has been such a movement in the past years to forget that dark chapter in the history of advertising that I couldn't even find a single historical copy of the ad (the closest approximation I could locate was this amateur parody). However for those of us who lived through those unspeakable horrors, the nightmare lingers. Even today, what should be the Cars' finest moment and a pinnocle example of late 70s American New Wave, is forever tainted in my mind by the lasting legacy of those ads. When that distinctive guitar chord kicks off the song, I still for a split second expect some goober to be enthusatically talking about the wide selection of HP Compaq laptops available. While time has done its best to nurse the wounds, the scars will always remain.

So as this recession continues on and the number of corporations start falling like the leaves of autumn, you can atleast take some solice in the almost divine retribution being delivered on many of the guilty companies for their past sins of ineffective, irritating, overplayed, advertising that forever ruined our favorite pop songs. For example, with the current state of the ailing American automtive industry, I think we're in the clear against anymore "Our Country" ads. Unfortunately foreign automakers like Toyota are still posting relatively positive gains.

Are there any other offending companies that you think are really asking for a bitch slap from the invisible hand?

God Bless The NEA!

While the nation remains in the hazy depths of the Obama Hope Coma brought on by his historic victory on Tuesday (doesn't it feel like it's been a lot longer than three days?), the great majority of the country has inadvertently (some intentionally) forgotten that we are still unfortunately under waning days of the Bush Administration. Although we can all take solace in the fact that January 20th is relatively right around the corner, we are certainly not out of the woods yet. In fact, this 70 some odd day period until Inauguration Day could be the most unpredictable days yet. Whether it's doing some last minute hostage negotiations, handing out presidential pardons like candy, or preserving the ideals of the dying Federalist Party within the judicial branch, with any outgoing presidential administration in full lame duck mode, there's no idea what crazy shit they'll pull.

I mean, wouldn't you do the same thing if you were told over two months prior that you would be replaced at your job by someone you fundamentally disagree with and there would be little to no repercussions for your actions during your remaining months of employment? That's why a lot of other jobs just give an outgoing employee a short two weeks and have the security guard keep an eye on them when then they take their stuff out. At least with the standard downsized wage slave the worst you can expect is some stolen office supplies or inappropriate mass emails, with the President you're talking about the reigns of the country and the free world.

In any case, while the Obamarama continues, the Bush administration has already started on its exit strategy. In what will most likely be the first of an increasing number of under the radar efforts to preserve the Bush legacy, the president has just recently appointed everyone's favorite hyper patriotic, neo-conservative country music superstar Lee Greenwood to a 6 year term as one of the 14 members of the National Council on the Arts. Had it not been for my unexplainable obsession with all things Lee Greenwood, this subtle little legacy of the Bush years would have been completely overlooked by me over all the election headlines.

And in the end why not Lee? I mean who is more in touch with the contemporary American arts community and of the plight of artists in general than Lee Greenwood.

You can keep those elitist art directors, turtleneck wearing dance troupe leaders, overly critical authors, snooty museum directors, and other pretentious members of the American creative intelligentsia. How many of them are willing to (at least in song form) "gladly stand up" next to America and "defend her still today"? How many of them make Toby Keith look like an Al Qaeda operative? How many of them can pull off the oh so difficult white short shorts and unbuttoned carnival barker shirt look so well?

Of course this isn't as earth shattering as stuffing the Supreme Court full of conservative Justices before you leave but it's still a little piece of the W. years that perhaps may even outlast the Obama presidency. It's definitely something for all you musicians, performers, and artists out there looking to improve your chances of scoring some funding from the National Endowment for the Arts. Have an operetta that needs financing? Maybe you should throw in a song about the heartland of America. Need some funding to continue your series of contemporary abstract expressionist paintings? Try adding some more red, white, and blues. Need extra dough for that public art installation criticizing the war? It couldn't hurt to change the message to "join the army."

As for me, I think this may be the year I'll finally get enough support for my interpretive dance production of "God Bless the USA".

I Voted for Kodos!

By the end of tomorrow our long national nightmare that is the 2008 presidential campaign will finally be over. Residents of battleground states like Ohio and Florida will finally be free of round the clock robocalls and mailboxes stuffed with glossy campaign adverts. Mario will regain his title as the world's most popular plumber. Undecided voters will be free of the spotlight to go back to their anonymous lives of crippling indecisiveness. Saturday Night Live will have to resort back to writing original, non-political, non-humorous, sketches again.

What this also means is the end of my series of tangentially election related blog entries (at least until the next presidential election cycle). From the Hillary's histrionics in New Hampshire, to the Palin announcement, to the presidential debates, to the rise of Obama, to this meeting on the eve of election day; it has been a quite a ride...quite an increasingly annoying and tiresome ride that I'm glad is finally coming to a conclusion.

In any case, always the great prognosticator that I am here's my completely unscientific, hastily created, projected electoral tally:

I think it's a little more generous to McCain than most of the non-Fox based projections. I'm going with more Bradley Effect over white guilt. Remember everyone, Vote or Die!