Replacements 2: The Official Sequel

While yesterday night's NFL game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Cleveland Browns was about as routinely unspectacular as any game involving the Cleveland Browns would be all season, it did mark the historic end of our long national nightmare as the official NFL referees returned to work after settling their early season lockout with the league. Based on the outpouring of outrage and disgust by football fans across the country over the course of the new season and particularly after the tipping point of the Monday Night Football debacle, this whole ugly affair could not have ended soon enough. If I were an obnoxious, moral high horse, sort of guy I would point out how it felt like I read more widespread and vocal public outrage over the quality of officiating in professional football games on the internet than about the civil war in Syria, famines in Africa, growing anti-American sentiment in the Middle East, or the important issues at the forefront of the upcoming presidential election. However, like I said, I am not the type nor am I in any position to be judgmental. In fact I'll admit I've put more thought into what to eat for lunch at work than basically all those issues combined.

What I have been thinking about lately was that with the end of this strike, we have the real life story upon which to create a sequel to the 2000 Keanu Reeves sports comedy "The Replacements". As the "The Replacements" loosely based their story on the replacement players brought in for the 1987 NFL players strike, particularly of the Washington Redskins, who given a brief chance to live their dream of playing in the NFL managed to win all three of their games with a roster entirely composed of replacement players, "The Replacements 2: The Official Sequel" (final title still open to change) will be the triumphant story about a officiating crew of underdog replacement referees who proved all the doubters wrong and competently officiated football games even better than the professionals (see this is where the "loosely based" part comes in).

It doesn't have to be a straight sequel with the same cast, although I guess Reeves' character could somewhat impassibility be written in as having become a referee after his playing career ended, but the essential story can almost be converted directly. Due to a work stoppage caused by the union of greedy, prima donna professional referees, the beleaguered commissioner is forced to turn to untested, ill suited replacement referees to save the season. The main Shane Falco character would be a ref who had a promising officiating career in college before spectacularly flaming out, losing his confidence, and has been forced to ref poorly organized street ball games just to get by. The other side referees would be a colorful, broadly drawn, ethnically diverse, rag tag bunch of misfits, losers, and outcasts. There's the absurdly fat ref who has always got a sandwich in his hand, the foreign soccer ref who doesn't understand any of the rules, the sassy black ref, the ref that can only make defensive penalty calls, the ref who refs in a dress, and the ref who is amazing at his job but he's legally blind, among others.  They are all of course brought together under the tutelage of the brilliant but maverick head referee coach (not sure if there is such a position) who sees potential in this sad lot and knows he can whip them into shape using his unorthodox techniques.

Initially the replacement referee experiment proves to be a disaster as widespread criticism and fan disappointment abounds. The newly assembled group fails to get along together off the bat, cannot keep up with the pace of the game, and are disrespected by all the players. However, little by little, through a series of workout montages, unusual training strategies, and an inspiring speech or two the officiating crew begins to excel and their competently officiated games begin to gain the attention of a surprised sports nation (insert cameos by real life sports announcers like Bob Costas and Dan Patrick talking about the surprising progress of the new refs). Eventually they work their way up to officiating the Super Bowl and though they initially fare poorly under the intense pressure and scrutiny of the big game, when the entire conclusion of the game comes down to a disputed touchdown, the refs make the correct call (I won't spoil it for you) that decides the whole game and the stadium crowd and the millions of people watching at home cheer in the victory of a well called, fairly judged game. As the replacements slowly walk off the field knowing that their brief time in the big leagues will be coming to an end with the return of the real refs the next season, they are respectfully applauded by the newly won over players, the fans there and abroad, and even that one really dickish pro ref who's been ragging on them the whole time. Oh and the main guy falls in love with some chick, maybe it's a cheerleader, maybe it's a sideline reporter, maybe it's the evil pro ref's hot daughter, your call.

I think there's enough there to make a modestly profitable sports comedy that'll stand up to copious replays on TBS. My only other idea is a spiritual sequel to "Juwanna Mann" where instead of a bad boy NBA player being banned from the league and ending up playing in the WNBA in drag, it is a dirty NFL player who gets kicked out of the league and ends up playing in the Lingerie Football League in drag.

It Was The Last Game of the Season

Ideally this post about David Geddes's mostly forgotten, cumbersomely titled, 1975 top 20 hit "The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)" would have been most relevant last Wednesday when it actually was the last game of the MLB season for all the teams. It could have still been relevant if Atlanta or Boston didn't complete their spectacular month long collapses and ended up at least forcing an extra play-in game for the next day. However when it comes to posts on this blog, we should all be happy enough to get posts let alone timely ones.

As I was saying, since discovering "The Last Game of the Season" a few years ago the final regular season games of all the major sport teams I follow have reminded me of it for obvious reasons; I can't really think of any other notable songs off the top of my head about the last game of the season. Additionally, since most of the big four sports teams that I have a rooting interest in have long been in periods of "rebuilding" (Islanders, Mets, Knicks, Bills) the regular season have often become the end of the line.

That being said, I sort of wish that there was a better song to commemorate the end of professional sports seasons. I have to admit "The Last Game of the Season" is well, more or less, kind of terrible. Ostensibly it's not even related to professional sports, the song's story is about the last high school football game of the season; and even then it's pretty lacking in any actual details about the game and focuses on the ludicrously cornball story about the underdog second string running back protagonist and his faithful titular blind man father who listens to his games from the stand.

Generally I am a huge fan of the overly melodramatic and overwrought 70s story song and I actually really enjoyed Geddes's more successful first single, the deliciously over the top tale of doomed star crossed love, "Run Joey Run" (it still absolutely blows my mind that Glee once covered this obscure hit). However, there's just something lacking about "The Last of the Season". The song's set up is fine and there's plenty of excessive sentimentality in the story: the dad's boundless optimism for his scrappy underdog son's future success (perhaps blind faith?) contrasted with the sad predicament of the father only being able to see his son scoring touchdowns in his dreams. The reveal at the end is killer, where after the son comes into the game and inexplicably leads the team to a thrilling come from behind victory he reveals that his father had passed away in a hospital during the middle of the game but he takes solace in the fact that "it's the first time that my father's seen me play". Utterly devastating. Basically you take "Rudy" and make the dad blind and kill him off at the last game of the season; a game which Rudy makes an actually meaningful contribution to the team's end of the season victory rather than just getting the symbolic victory of getting on the field in garbage time.

Unfortunately the music and the singing just doesn't bring across with enough gravitas to support the heavy concept. The vocals could have been more soaring, the chorus could have been expanded, the score stripped of even more subtlety. The song felt like it was pulling its punches, or I guess in this case, not pulling enough on the listener's heartstrings. In addition, there weren't enough little touches to paint a vivid enough picture to match the emotions. It's never explained how far the team was behind, if the game meant anything to the team, or what exactly the son do to get the win.

To put it into a more relevant sports analogy, there's certainly a lot of potential in the song but at the end of the season it ultimately and disappointingly falls short of the playoffs.

Witty One-Liner I Would Give About Recently Dismissed BYU Basketball Player Brandon Davis From My Opening Monologue If I Hosted A Late Night Show

"Hey did any of you hear about that basketball player from BYU, Brandon Davis? One of the best players on the team but he got suspended for apparently violating the school's strict honor code of having premarital sex with his girlfriend. Yeah, that's right...And here I thought that the Mormon Church encouraged missionary work!

Stick around after the break, we'll talk to George Hamilton about his new movie..."

P.S.

As for my own personal thoughts on the matter; I have to say that BYU showed some exceptional integrity in staying true to their policies given the season they are having and the potential ramifications of losing one of their top players (in fact they just got crushed by New Mexico and probably lost their chance at a 1 seed). Is their code (which, among other things, bans drinking coffee and tea, foul language, beards, and sandals) unduly strict and unrealistic relative to most colleges? Probably, but then again it's what they believe in and what all the players agree to follow; and with all the stories of crooked coaches, compromised programs, and academic improprieties in the big business of college sports, BYU's actions are at the very least respectable. For me the bigger question is: how the hell do they manage to convince any good non-Mormon recruits to come and play there (seriously given their moral handicaps, their 1984 undefeated college football championship must be one of the greatest sports accomplishments of all time)?

The H is O

As if the latest chapter in the historic New York Knicks - Milwaukee Bucks rivalry wasn't enough to drive New York basketball fans into a frenzy, if you haven't heard, tonight is also the debut of newly acquired star Carmelo Anthony. After months upon endless months of speculation and negotiation, the "Melo-drama" (it'll be many a years before sports writers will have a situation with such a perfectly tailor-made phrase) finally came to an end after a funky 13 player trade threesome between the Knicks, the Nuggets, and the Timberwolves.

The reaction to the blockbuster trade among fans and writers is wide and varied. Some consider it to be a bold move by the Knicks to obtain the additional superstar they need to compete with the likes of Boston and Miami in the east, some say the Knicks gave up way too much in a situation where they had most of the leverage, some fear the creeping influence of smiling, franchise-killing, former GM/Coach Isiah Thomas all over the deal, and some say most of those things through an insanely esoteric analogy to the decade plus old SNL short film "The H is O".

Honestly, until I recently read this article, I never expected anyone in my entire lifetime to independently reference that short; it's probably one of the weirdest five minutes of SNL ever (everyone should watch it at least once, it really is as crazy as the description in the article), it's more bizarrely interesting than funny, it's from a fairly forgotten era of the show (late 90s-early 00s) that only people who saw the original airings or watched an inordinate amount of reruns on E! would even have a chance of remembering (I fall into the former, I cannot vouch for Mr. Dwyer). The only reason I even remember the sketch is that it put in me in the habit of using the phrase "The H is O" when referring to "The Heat is On" (which comes up at least a dozen times in my everyday conversations).

I guess the analogy to the sketch sort of makes sense, but did the writer really have no better example to use of doing something regrettable just for the sake of proving you can. It's a pretty relatable feeling; perhaps a personal anecdote. Maybe some higher brow reference to a pyrrhic victory? Even a slightly less obscure SNL sketch probably could have been used (oh like almost anything from the past 36 years). In the end though I'm not condemning the "The H is O" reference, just trying to wrap my head around the fact I'm writing a blog post right now about someone referencing the "The H is O" (in a story about a basketball trade no less!). The internet is a strange and scary place.

Perhaps we can expect a future article from Mr. Dwyer on NBA collective bargaining negotiations that references the other SNL short film where Steve Buscemi runs a food pawn shop in Brooklyn.

A Frank Statement

In keeping with my recently emerging theme of tangentially relating old 90s television commercials I remember with recent events in sports; LeBron James' ill conceived, hour-long, painfully public divorce with the city of Cleveland last week (also known as "The Decision") reminded me of another highly publicized press conference announcement by a basketball legend:

You know, there would have been a lot less media speculation and confusion if he said he wanted a Hebrew National.

The Week (and a Half) in Sports

I just wanted to make three quick points that were tangentially related to three recent events in the world of sports while there were at least mildly relevant. Each of them individually would have been too pithy to stand on their own so I figured why not haphazardly combined them into some sort of unholy Frankenstein post?

1. Farewell Manute Bol

Former NBA player and overall gentle giant (but really are there any other kinds of giants? Like mean, hateful giants? I always thought former Jazz big man Mark Eaton didn't look too friendly) Manute Bol unexpectedly passed away two Saturdays ago at the age of 47. While nowhere close to what one would consider a "good" NBA player during his 10 years in the league, he is a definite first ballot hall of famer in turns of sheer uniqueness. Sure Gheorghe Muresan was taller and there were better blockers but Manute will always have two particular records that will probably stand until the end of time: 1. He is the only player with more career blocked shots than points scored (a true testament to his amazingly one dimensional skill set) and 2. His glorious 1987-1988 circus sideshow season with the above pictured 5'3 Muggsy Bogues was the greatest height difference between teammates on an NBA team. In addition I will also remember him for his bizarre SNL cameo.

2. One More Game

By the unfortunate virtue of being played mostly during USA's thrilling yet ultimately futile extra time victory against Algeria in the group stage of the World Cup and just being tennis, the surreal, endless, first round Wimbledon match between Nicholas Mahut and John Isner did not get the proper spotlight it really should have. The whole thing took 3 days and over 11 hours of playing time, but that second day on the 23rd with the 118 game fifth set that took up 7 of those 11 hours was the thing to watch. I just followed the updates while in school so I couldn't tell if both players were that evenly matched or were both so inept/exhausted that neither of them could win two consecutive points to end the madness. The match oddly reminded me of the old commercial for the Fisher Price 3 in 1 Tournament Table which involved two kids eschewing basic food and sleep while locked in a never ending death match involving pool, table tennis, and air hockey (man did I want that sweet table growing up; definitely one of my top 5 Christmas wish list toys). I like to think that nearly 20 years later, those kids are still locked in eternal combat in that tense, dark basement; with the family dog eagerly following the action.

3. 0-0

Let it be known that I'm essentially a hater when it comes to soccer (and yes I'm calling it soccer, not "football"). I'll take it in as a novelty every four years and the national rooting interest helps, but really anything beyond that is an unbearable amount of "the beautiful game" to me. I'm not going to go off on one of those anti-soccer rants that many people do. We all know the classic knocks: low scoring, ties, lack of strategy, excessive flopping, foreignness, etc. What really sums up a lot of the worst elements of soccer to me is the 0-0 game decided on penalty shots like the one between Paraguay and Japan today. A soccer fan may categorize it as a tense, suspenseful duel, but for me it's over 120 minutes of total futility. In over two hours of play, some of the best players in the world couldn't muster one goal? I know scoring is at a premium but both teams should be ashamed of themselves. Even if it was a 1-1 draw or a 2-2 draw, I would give them some credit, but really not one goal? On top of the insult of a scoreless draw, instead of forcing the teams to man up and keep playing until one of them takes a lead, it goes to the shootout; which is like the equivalent of everyone agreeing that after regulation and overtime, neither side is capable of scoring a goal under normal conditions so we have to literally have the two teams take turns shooting in controlled, unfettered situations. It's like a little league game that gets converted to a t-ball game since no one can hit or a bowling match that turns into bumper bowling since everyone is chucking up gutterballs. I mean, even tennis will force its players to keep playing to the point of total exhaustion until things are settled.