Death Be Not Proud

With the start of my third and final year of law school last week, my usual Sunday night feeling of overwhelming melancholy about the start of a new work week have been replaced by my usual Sunday night feeling of overwhelming melancholy about the start of a new school week. On the whole I guess it's a slightly lesser degree of grief, but still grief never the less.

In fact, my impending work week grief follows quite predictably along the famous five stages of grief model which describes the gradual process by which most people supposedly come to terms with tragedy and traumatic loss. Well for me, few things are more tragic and traumatic than the loss of my weekend freedom. I usually wake up Sundays mornings content and happy about another full day of carefree leisure with the upcoming work week being almost an inconceivable theoretical abstract (1. Denial). As the day gives way to the afternoon hours and as I start to becomes aware of the reality of tomorrow being Monday, I begin to resent the fact that the weekend is over just as it started (2. Anger). As the afternoon begins to wane, and I realize I'm hopelessly behind on my work, I begin to think that if only I had an extra day or two I'd be on top of my shit (3. Bargaining). The sun begins to go down and I realize, I'm just dinner, a night's sleep, and change away from Monday and all I can do is helplessly sulk (4. Depression). As the evening comes I end up catching "Til' Death" on Fox (5. Acceptance).

It's not like it's appointment television for me or anything. In fact, between its numerous time slot shuffles and hiatuses, it's actually kind of a challenge for any dedicated fan (there must be some, right?) to actually keep appointments. Most of the time I randomly catch about less than half the show. However, despite my total lack of interest in actually following the show, few Sundays at home have ever gone by over the last three or so years (with the major exception of the football season where everything gets preempted) where I didn't catch some amount of "'Til Death".

In a way, it sort of makes perfect sense that I would eventually associate the show with the sad acceptance of the awful and terrible. It couldn't have been a show I enjoyed because that would have just kept me at the first stage of denial by giving me a temporary reprieve from my harsh reality. My emotional progress towards the eventual peace of acceptance would have been shunted. It couldn't have been a show that was so terrible that it would have locked me into the depths of a harrowing depression stage. It had to have been a show that was just barely awful enough to remind me of my fate, but not so much as to make me downright inconsolably despondent.

With "'Til Death" I get that subtle terribleness. It's sort of like a real life version of "The Lockhorns" except it's not over the top or mean enough to make it interesting. When Brad Garrett (who helped perfect the art of the mediocre sitcom) makes a wacky expression or cracks some punchline about married life that was too dated for vaudeville or gets henpecked by his bossy sitcom wife, I don't laugh but I know there's a joke. The show is almost watchable solely as a fascinating case study on the bare minimum of creativity and sub par ratings a sitcom can have while still being constantly renewed (4th season debuting in October). Despite having shown all the signs of a terminally ill show, from introducing and then changing the daughter, to half of the main cast essentially leaving for the third season, to a shameless parade of B list guest stars (Nick Bakay, Margaret Cho, Will Sasso anyone?), it has maintained an uncanny cockroach like ability to stay on the air. You can sit and watch and deeply wonder what magic element does this show have that other similarly mediocre but failed sitcoms like "Carpoolers" or "Back to You" didn't. With the venerable "According to Jim" finally signing off the air in June (after 8 seasons and 182 episodes!), "'Til Death" now wears the heavy crown of being the worst multiple season sitcom on TV.

Thus this show has managed to become the very symbol of the acceptance of my eventual Monday morning fate. It is that uncanny combination of a complete lack of excellence with an amazing degree of endurance and staying power that has made "'Til Death" such a dependable source of melancholy in my life. And with any luck it'll continue to help me come to grips with unhappiness for many seasons to come.

That was Jeopardy!

In case you haven't heard, I've been on a few game shows back in the day. While my success varied from show to show from sweeping victories to traumatic choke jobs, overall they were all great experiences. I enjoyed the traveling, the hotel rooms, meeting/alienating other contestants from all over the country, the catered grub in the green room, the nervous competition on camera, the always friendly makeup ladies, and of course the occasional quick buck.

Aside from the fond experiences, the money, and the snagged hotel stationary; the one other parting gift I got from my weird game show odyssey was a set of never fail ice-breaking personal anecdotes. No matter what sort of social situation I'm in I find that if I can get out the personal fact that I was on a few game shows, it always manages to get the other person engaged and interested. So many of my recent job interviews over the summer began with curious inquiries and enthusiastic follows up questions about the "multiple game show contestant" blurb I put in my personal interests section. While the interview usually goes south when it comes to my job experience and academic performance, for the beginning it's all wide eyed wonder about meeting Alex Trebek or winning a quarter million dollars. When I went backpacking for a month through Costa Rica the summer after my last show, conversations about my game show appearances were usually a key part of friendly conversations struck up with other foreign traveling strangers from hostel to hostel. Hell, a good quarter of my Facebook friends are still random folks who found me after watching me on TV. For most people outside of my closest friends and family, for better or for worse, these game shows go a long way in defining me.

While the WSOPC was my single crowning achievement, almost everyone who has asked about my game show past always wants to know about Jeopardy. In fact, more often then not people have no idea what the WSOPC was (a fact that's sadly even more true today). I guess it's not all that surprising though since Jeopardy really is the most well known, longest running, holy grail of trivia game shows. I even have to admit, aside from the money, a loss on Jeopardy felt like a far more esteemed feat than a win on VH1. In addition, while the WSPOC was a group effort with my two friends and I, my Jeopardy appearance was a singular feat among my group of friends. It gave me a special bit of pride to have been on that podium next to Alex with the framed picture to prove it.

So when I recently got a call from my friend that she had been selected to compete on Jeopardy, I was surprised to find my personal reaction turned out to be more a complicated mix of bittersweet melancholy than usual congratulatory happiness. I should have been happy for her, she was a good friend and as a longtime, die hard, Jeopardy fan (who was actually responsible for getting me to take the online test back in the day), there wasn't anyone I knew that was more deserving of a chance to be on the show. However, I couldn't muster what logically should have been the feeling of happiness for her. All I could think about was the sad end of my once solitary distinction as the Jeopardy guy among our friends.

Which brings me back to the above pictured 1972 Miami Dolphins. For those who don't follow football, the 1972 Dolphins have their own solitary distinction as the only NFL team to have an undefeated regular season and to win the Super Bowl. They're also kind of a bunch of obnoxious assholes. The surviving members of the 1972 Dolphins have this insufferable tradition of coming together and drinking champagne every year when the final undefeated team loses their first game and thus ensuring them another year of solitary residency in "Perfectville". It's sort of a dick move to be actively rooting against an undefeated team and garishly celebrating something that happened nearly 40 years ago. I've always been against the 1972 Dolphins and their annoying tradition, even going as far as to root for the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII to complete their perfect season and finally put an end to their decades long arrogance. However, today I started to understand, albeit in only a small sense, the motivation for the 1972 Dolphins' yearly ritual. A pretty distinction is a petty distinction but it's still one's own petty distinction.

Having a record or distinction and having someone else come along and match or even surpass it is a complicated feeling. It's not exactly envy or jealously because you already have what they have, it's just an indescribable combination of sullen psedo-selfishness. You can be as gracious and as magnanimous as anyone, but I think it's only natural to sort of feel a sad sense of loss when something you've accomplished is overtaken; whether it be a game show appearance, or perfect season, or a high score on Gameboy Tetris. So maybe avoiding that feeling is something worth celebrating or actively rooting for. You can try to write it off by thinking that in the grand scheme of things none of these distinctions even matter, but that's just straight up rationalization. Yes outside of the incredibly narrow universe of my circle of friends, being the only contestant on Jeopardy won't matter a lick and to someone who doesn't follow any football, the surviving 1972 Dolphins just look like a bunch of wrinkled Florida retirees; but I live in the universe of my circle of friends and the Dolphins live in the universe of football fans. No matter what perspective you give it, it is still important to yourself.

So do I think the 1972 Dolphins are justified in breaking out the champagne? No. Would I actively root for my friend to crash and burn on her first appearance and not even make it to Final Jeopardy? No. Will I learn to be completely happy about all this? No. Am I still proud of her? Yes.

Well, at least with the cancellation of the WSOPC, I won't have to worry about losing that particular distinction.

Lock(horn)ed and Loaded

Well it took a few days and quite a bit of reckless time traveling, but I've finally managed to fully update Victor Sells Out's sister blog "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorns". Unlike this blog with its relaxed lead time and spotty updating, the daily requirements of "Lockhorns" makes it quite a harsh mistress to satisfy. Everyone's free to go back and catch up on the past two weeks (but remember to pace yourself, there's only so much spiteful vitriol one can take in one sitting).

So was it worth all the irreparable damage to the space time continuum to get the Lockhorns back on track?

Well, is Loretta's cooking inedible?

As for this blog, have faith. The upcoming school year should open up plenty of time for me to slack and update...in theory.

Picture This!

Long time NY Lottery commercial spokesman Ralph Buckley; whose name and picture, for someone that is so well known and recognizable to anyone who watches television in the New York/New Jersey area, was unusually difficult to locate online (although there was no shortage of articles and glamor shots of fellow NY Lotto fixture Yolanda Vega)

has always reminded me of...

Legendary Duke Men's Basketball Coach, gold medal winning US National Team coach, and walking typo Mike Kryzewski.

I wonder which of the two have been responsible for more unlikely millionaires?

I Have a History of Losing My Shirt

Can you guess how many more weeks of summer work I have left, now? Cue, the obscenely obvious answer!

Was there ever any doubt? McG at the height of his powers.

I promise I'll start doing some real substantive (well, substantive by my standards) posts after I shake this full time nuisance.

Get Your Ass to Work!

Can you guess how many more weeks of summer work I have left?

You know, after Arnold meets up with Kuato, kills Cohagen and his army of murderous goons, activates the alien oxygen generator, saves the mutants, and ushers in a new era of freedom and prosperity on Mars; he should really see someone about that defective fat lady mask. The mask's inability to handle simple phrases outside of "two weeks" really made things a lot more difficult then it should have been for Arnold. One expects a certain level of quality and reliability when it comes to exploding, animatronic heads.

Picture This!

Today's edition of "Picture This!" is an especially esoteric one, connecting multiple decades of pop culture obscurity.

As I mentioned to my friends a while back, 80's British pop singer Yazz of "The Only Way is Up" fame rocked an awfully similar look to:

90's diet guru, motivational speaker, and general crazy person, Susan Powter!

Apparently none of them look like this anymore, but then again none of them are famous anymore either. Perhaps there is a correlation. Regardless, put any one of these crazy eyed, blond, short haired women in a bright pastel colored, Designing Women-esque power suit with massive shoulder pads and you've basically captured the exact opposite of what I want in a woman in terms of beauty and aesthetics.

Bash For Clunkers

Well, it finally happened. After nearly five, All-American, four wheel driving, gas guzzling, turn over risking years, my dear old 2000 Dodge Durango is headed off into the sport utility sunset courtesy of the recent Cash For Clunkers program. As they say, the Good Lord giveth and the Good Lord taketh away. For my Durango, the Good Lord was my pops, Mr. Lee, who in his undecipherable, infinite wisdom bought this pre-owned motoring monstrosity which become my de facto car and it was Mr. Lee who decided he wanted to cash it in on the new federal plan and get a new minivan. While I certainly won't miss the distinct pleasure of cruising at a combined 12 mpg and essentially driving the real life equivalent to a Canyonero; I won't be completely excited to see it go. I will miss the elevated ride, the feeling of highway superiority that came with it, along with its uncanny ability to remain virtually unscathed in any parking lot fender bender; and, despite all my knocks against it, it still dependably got me where I wanted to go for the last five years, albiet in a laughably inefficient manner. However, I take heart in the fact that the cycle of Detroit based automotive life continues on in the Lee household; as one Chrystler company car is laid to rest, it is replaced by yet another Chrystler automobile: a 2009 Town & Country. So, in the end, domestically produced life goes on.

With all the new car buying and Cash For Clunker research and participation I've been engaged in recently, it sort of feels neat to be at the forefront an ongoing national new story. When the Today Show or the nightly news runs their little piece on American households taking advantage of the new program, I can say that's us. Now I know the feeling of identity (minus the feeling of embarassment) and participation fat people must feel like when they see all those news pieces about rampant American obesity with anonymous mid level shots of other fat people walking around in public.

While going through some recent headlines about the ongoing Cash for Clunkers program, I came across this rather novel perspective on the whole program. Really, no one in the mainstream media has covered this angle of the Cash For Clunkers story. All over this country there'll be hundreds of thousands of outdated, inefficient automobiles that are statutorily required to be destroyed one away or another, so why not let the local Tiger Schulmann's branch in on the fun? Okay, so the writer of the article may not appear to be the most credbile of experts on the matter (you wouldn't see too many shirtless muscle poses in the New York Times Op-Ed section) and the act of trying to destroy a multiple ton, solid steel automobile using martial arts seems potentially dangerous; but there is no denying the universal joy one gets from watching a car get destroyed.

I don't know about you, but my favorite part of those old Capcom SNES fighting/beat-em up games like "Final Fight" and "Street Fighter II" were the intermittent bonus levels that involved destroying a car with your character in a set amount of time. You would not believe how disappointed I was when "Street Fighter IV" came out sans car breaking bonus round (not even the slightly less entertaining barrel breaking round was to be found). It was a unforgivable missed opportunity by Capcom that deprived the world of beautifully HD-rendered 21st century, timed, century car smashing joy. It's what the people would have wanted. It's a ceaseless, inherent, primal desire for destruction and domination over our physical word that stretches through the ages from primitive Neanderthal rites of passages all the way to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff".

So who knows? Perhaps this mass public car destroying fad will actually emerge and people all over America could take out their pent up daily frustrations by destroying or vicariously finding release in watching others destroy an old Ford Explorer or Dodge Ram. And just to give a crude rendering of what such a martial arts based scrapping of a car would look like and how it would be equal parts awesome and ridiculous, here's one man who is already living the dream:

Can't Read Her Poker Face

You ever wonder when she's not topping the charts, wearing an outfit made of Kermits and masterfully manipulating every last rhinestoned detail of her persona as a staggeringly brilliant, Warholesque pop-art exercise in excess; that Lady GaGa secretly covers up the blinds, lets her hair down, puts aside her giant disco stick, puts on some sweat pants and eagerly watches the latest episode of "NCIS"?

She's got to turn it off sometime right?

But it's just a sweet, sweet, fantasy baby.

Now that the 2009 Major League Baseball season has officially passed its hump day and entered into the second half, it's that time once again for me to take stock in my fantasy baseball fortunes. As some of you readers may recall, I had posted two individual entries detailing my two yearly Yahoo! fantasy baseball teams way back at the beginning of April when the season was just beginning; when expectations were high, optimism was abundant, Manny Ramirez was free of steroid suspicions, and the Mets were fielding a competitive major league team. Oh, how long ago it all feels.

So how "gang aft agley" have my best laid fantasy plans gone? How surprisingly successful have been some of my outside hunches turned out? How cruelly or well has the unpredictable, invisible hand of the DL treated me? Did I really expect Jeff Francour to have a turn around season? Let's tally up the damages shall we?

Team 1
The Chan Ho Parks
Current Rank: 1st out of 12
Real Life All Stars: 9 (1B Prince Fielder, 3B Ryan Zimmerman, SS Hanley Ramirez, OF Curtis Granderson, OF Carlos Beltran, SP Ted Lilly, SP Zack Greinke, SP Chad Billingsley, RP Mariano Rivera)
Team MVP: SP Zack Greinke
Team Underperformer: 1B David Ortiz
Waiver Wire Star: OF Michael Cuddyer

The Good:
When your team is in first place, the good obviously comes more easily. At the risk of completely jinxing my dream season, I have to say the Chan Ho Parks are cruising along in their league, enjoying a comfortable double digit lead over the second place team. The team's success is buoyed by a pitching staff that is tops or near the top in every major pitching category. A huge amount of credit goes to first half MVP SP Zack Greinke, the 11th round afterthought 3rd pitcher who started out the year with a historic display of pitching dominance; perhaps the greatest start to a season in the rotisserie baseball era. He has somewhat cooled off over the past month but his numbers are still outrageous. Hitting wise, the team has top ranked power and batting average numbers which offset my league worst stolen base rank and middling runs scored. Everyone has essentially lived up to or surpassed their drafted expectations with a few minor exceptions.

The Bad:
The only real disappointment of the team was the thus far worthless season of the completely broken down 1B David Ortiz who the auto drafter saddled me with after showing up at the draft a little late. Fortunately I had plenty of other options to replace him with. Of course it's not hard to replace someone that until recently could only fit in the utility slot. 2B Jose Lopez has been relatively productive for a 2B, but hasn't quite lived up to my personal hype. Waiver wire pick up 1B, OF Nick Swisher was red hot at the beginning of the year but soon fell out of his everyday roster spot.

The DL:
As is the case with most successful teams, a light DL is usually a big key to success. For most of the season, the only resident on the DL was SP John Smoltz, who was a late draft flyer without much expectation to play anyway. The recent loss of OF Carlos Beltran has definitely hurt though (although obviously not as much as it hurt the real life Mets). Aside from that, the team has been a model of health.

Predictions:
Some of the more exceptional players will probably regress but if everyone plays to their expectations (and thus far there has been no indication that they won't), then I think I can ride this hot start straight to the title. Injuries are the only real threat to derail my lead.

Team 2
Team Korea All Stars

Current Rank: 4th out of 12
Real Life All Stars: 9 (C Joe Mauer, 1B, 3B Kevin Youkilis, 2B Freddy Sanchez, 3B Evan Longoria, OF Brad Hawpe, SP Ted Lilly, SP Zack Greinke, SP Zach Duke, SP Edwin Jackson)
Team MVP: SP Zack Greinke
Team Underperformer: SS Jimmy Rollins
Waiver Wire Star: SP Edwin Jackson

The Good:

The 4th place standing, although above average, actually short changes this team. This team has spent most of the season around 2nd and the current spread between 2nd and 4th is so thin that the spots constantly fluctuate. With that being said, the best this team can hope for is a 2nd place finish given the fact that the first place team is completely dominating the league with nearly 25 more points than the second place team. As for my team, I've once again enjoyed the fruits of a SP Zack Greinke (and SP Ted Lilly) containing pitching staff. In addition, my staff was saved by the waiver wire pick ups of both all stars SP Zach Duke and SP Edwin Jackson from the same day. Hittingwise, it's been fairly strong and consistent all around. Oddly enough, despite the All Star nod I don't even regularly start 2B Freddy Sanchez as I've opted for the versatile and surprisingly productive 2B, 3B, SS Macro Scutaro.

The Bad:
The two biggest disappointments on the hitting side were Team Underperformer winner and first round pick SS Jimmy Rollins who has been in a slump for most of the year and 5th round pick OF Matt Holiday, who appears to have lost all his slugging powers after leaving the state of Colorado. On the pitching side Cliff Lee has pitched decently but has come nowhere near his Cy Young season last year, especially on a lousy Indians team. There was also one other negative first half pitching performance that was so exemplary in its awfulness that I have to give it, its own category...

The Chien-Ming Wang:
Would you believe he was drafted by me one place ahead of All Star SP Ted Lilly? There has been a historic fantasy knock against the guy due to his paltry strikeout numbers and average ERA and WHIPs, but he had a reputation as being at least a dependable source of wins. Of course that was before he put together possibly the worst three consecutive starts in modern baseball history. In 6 innings of total work over three starts he had managed to give up 23 runs for a monstrous era of 34.50. I immediately banished him with extreme prejudice but I think the team is still paying the wages of those three horrible starts.

The DL:
The team has been pretty healthy as a whole. The only major DL stint is the current one that SP Brandon Webb has been on since leaving the first game of the season. had it not been for my timely waiver wire pickups, the team would have probably completely fallen out of contention without its ace. Although, it sure would have been nice to have his dependable numbers all year.

Prediction:
Barring a wave a crucial injuries or a series of sustained slumps for the team in first, the best I can hope for with this team is to get that second place sized piece of the pie. I would not be disappointed in this team one bit if it turned out that way, under most seasons this would be a top team. Optimistically I'm thinking 2nd, but more realistically I'm expecting 3rd or 4th.

A Piece of the Pie

Well, another All-Star Game, another annoyingly close American League victory. Thirteen years of NL winlessness (we'll always have that tie game in 2002). It makes me yearn for the NL glory days when Jeff Conine was winning All-Star game MVPs and Ozzie Smith would be doing backflips.

While the game was ostensibly close yet strangely unexciting, the other major competitive events of the night could have been found in the ubiquitous Domino's commercials, like the one above, detailing the escalating back and forth battle of words between various regional Domino's factions in support of their particular "American Legends" pie.

All I have to say is shame on you Domino's.

These are trying times for the American people. This nation is currently struggling through such adversities like an extended economic recession, continuing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, international threats from abroad, the death of Michael Jackson, and the impending August release of "GI Joe:Rise of Cobra". It is during these trying times that we need to put our personal differences aside as American citizens and recognize that it is only through cooperation and teamwork that we can bring back prosperity.

Domino's partisan pizza rhetoric is definitely not what this country needs. Instead of the "Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch" loving residents of Los Angeles trading insults and ugly stereotypes with the "Memphis BBQ Chicken" patrons of Memphis or the Philly Cheese Steak" eating residents of Philadelphia engaging in verbal fisticuffs with "Pacific Veggie" fans of Venice, they should all learn to respect and embrace their unique nuanced differences and realize that in the end they are all disgusting Domino's pizzas.

I CAN Go For That!

If you're like me, you've no doubt found yourself many times surfing around the Internet, enjoying the wide expanses of the information superhighway, only to be become suddenly overwhelmed by a burning desire to hear one of Hall and Oates' countless hit singles. "Sara Smile", "Private Eyes", "Method of Modern Love"; whatever it may be, you just have a burning thirst for some H2O. You also don't want to waste precious time and effort on loading up your mp3s or searching through your currently play list. You definitely don't want to deal with opening up another window and searching and finding uploaded music videos of the songs on Youtube. Until now you were stuck with these limited options; expound precious energy and effort on manually loading up your favorite Hall and Oates mega hits via one medium or another or just letting that feeling pass in wretched frustration.

That is until now.

Just when you thought between the ubiquitous sea of spam and viruses, the perverse clutter of porno sites, and the pointless, narcissistic cacophony of social networking, that the Internet had all but failed its grand promise to society as a transcendent medium that would eliminate barriers, both natural and cultural, leading to unparalleled progress and collaboration among the human race; it comes up with something that restores our faith in its usefulness.

This fan made labor of love ingeniously utilizes the various resources of the Internet to bring an unmatched Hall and Oates experience. It takes the videos from YouTube, provides its own lyrics, links to retailers of the song and album on Amazon and iTunes, and even gives a novel "Did You Know?" section via wikipedia; all complimented by an elegantly simple interface. In addition, the way it's all set up makes it a completely legal channel to enjoy the music. This was what the Internet was made for; compiling and making use of disparate streams of information to create a wholly beneficial and useful collaboration that's greater than the sum of the parts.

There is, however, one thing to point out. Although the site uses the artwork and design scheme from their definitive, 5 star AMG rated, 2001 greatest hits collection (the aptly titled) "The Very Best of Daryl Hall and John Oates", it's actually not a direct representation of that album. It is missing a few tracks like "It's a Laugh" and the criminally underrated "Adult Education". Still, aside from that, nothing short of brilliant. Perhaps this concept of the fan made, dedicated greatest hits shrine, will become a whole new web based phenomena.

Five More (Slightly Belated) Random 4th of July TV Marathons That Have Very Little to Do With The 4th of July

Is it safe?

The biggest problem with static, date specific, holidays like the 4th of July is that it falls on a weekend every two out of seven years thus greatly weakening their work stopping powers. It was only by the grace of a last minute change of heart by the boss that I actually got Friday off and the benefit of the three day weekend. Unfortunately there are many a workplaces that don't subscribe to the artificial three day weekend policy when it comes to weekend 4th of Julys. I say it's downright Un-American to nullify the classic July 4th three-day weekend just because of a technicality on the calendar. Denying a hard working American their patriotic right to celebrate their nation's birth by over-eating, over-drinking, playing around with dangerous explosives, and watching copious amounts of marathon television? What did our Founding Fathers fight for anyway then?

I must first apologize for the slight belatedness of this year's five marathons. I am quite aware that a good portion of the day and many a marathons have already passed before I realized my posting obligations (I've personally been soaking up the old "Twilight Zone" marathon since yesterday evening). While we may be getting a slightly late start, I assure you, faithful readers, that the following marathons are guaranteed to last at least through the late evening hours (and some well into the 5th). So without further needless delay here are this year's five most random marathons.

BET - Sister, Sister

Really? "Sister, Sister"? I know the BET lineup isn't exactly stacked with long-running, classic shows, but I really think they could have done better than "Sister, Sister". It's not that I have anything against those sassy Mowry sisters (the Williams sisters of the American sitcom), I watched my fair share of their five or so year run on the WB when I was in middle school. What exactly is there about the completely generic, white America friendly, nature of this show that just screams Black Entertainment Television. Comparatively,"Sister, Sister", makes "The Parent 'Hood" look like a Gil Scott-Heron spoken word album. I would have preferred a "Wayans Brothers" marathon or maybe some sort of day long, hastily put together, Michael Jackson retrospective.

Possible Spin for the 4th: I guess you can look at the cast of "Sister, Sister" as a sort of dramatization of the fulfillment of the American Dream. Tamara's well to do father Ray is a self made man with his own company and a giant house that everyone moves into. Tia's mother Jackée is enjoying the fruits of the American promise of upward mobility by moving into Ray's big house. Tia (the smart one) is a model student and upstanding example of how education and a strong family support system can improve anyone's station in life. Tamara's goofing off and constant partying also, in a away, demonstrates the American Dream that minorities can have entitled lazy idiot children just as well as rich old waspy families.

USA Network - James Bond

This is seriously one of the most weak-ass marathons I have ever seen. It's just five random James Bond movies from 9 am to 11 pm. I think there were just regular weekdays on Spike TV that played more Bond movies. This random fiver of movies, aside from failing in terms of length of marathon programming, also fails in terms of depth of marathon programming. For the first two you have "Dr. No" (the fairly boring first film) and "Thunderball" (vintage Connery); and then the next two jump ahead about four decades and three Bonds, to "The World is Not Enough" and "Tomorrow Never Dies" (adequate Bronsnan). Finally the day is capped off with the new "Casino Royale". It seems pretty obvious that the good folks at USA tried to slap together a "marathon" with the cheapest and easiest Bond films they could get their hands on. Makes you miss those old month long nightly Bond movies on TBS.

Possible Spin for the 4th: It's definitely a hard sell for the 4th when you have a marathon of Eurpeon movies about a British secret agent who travels to exotic locations that rarely include the United States. In addition, the most prominent Americans in the series have been: generally useless CIA second banana Felix Leitter and the bumbling Sherriff J.W. Pepper. I guess you can say that James Bond touches on general American values of resourcefulness, toughness, ingenuity, and heroism; but then again what culture doesn't value those traits (please no French jokes)?

Disney Channel - Hannah Montana

Disney Channel goes with the "showcasing your prestige show" route with its Hannah-thon. This is a preemptive announcement of the marathon since it's actually slated to begin at 1 pm tomorrow. So if you were ever thinking about watching a ten hour block of Hannah Montana on a Sunday afternoon, then this is your opportunity. Apparently it all leads up to the premiere of an hour long new episode, so it's a nice little pot of gold at the end of the long rainbow. If only all marathons could reward you like that.

Possible Spin for the 4th: I guess Hannah can bee seen as a wholesome, ideal, all American, girl next door. I'm not sure what kind of songs Hannah sings, but I'm sure they're not subversive or Anti-American. On a deeper level, one might read the constant tension and conflict between her real identity and her stage persona as demonstrating the complex duality of our great nation; the rich and varied tableau of the American population and landscape and our historic and current struggles to reconcile our realities with the lofty goals of equality and prosperity that we were founded on. Or something like that.

Discovery Channel - The Deadliest Catch

This appears to be another case of a channel showing off their money programming via marathon. I've never actually seen a full episode of this show but I'm amazed by the surprising success of it. I mean, wouldn't the novelty of watching crabbers pulling in cages full of crustaceans in inclimate weather wear off after the first season at the most? It's not like fishermen are dying every other episode right? Is it really the deadliest catch when there's no dying on camera? All the marketing would seem to indicate that every episode involves the crew braving towering "Perfect Storm"-esque waves and fighting sea monsters straight out of "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea". The risk can't be that high, otherwise the price of a mediocre dinner at Red Lobster's would be astronomical.

Possible Spin for the 4th: Well, few things are more American than straight up hard working ambition and gumption. From the harsh beginnings of the early settlers, to the gritty patriots that fought for Independence, to the hearty pioneers of Manifest Destiny, to the men who've walk on the moon; daring Yankee ingenuity and ambitiousness (as demonstrated by the fearless crew) is what made this country into the superpower it is today.

TV Land - Andy Griffith Show, Roseanne, Leave it to Beaver

TV Land is taking an interesting route by cobbling together three shows to form one long marathon. Looking at the schedule, Andy, Roseanne, and the Beaver are working in rotating shifts. Currently, it's Andy Griffith until 8 when Roseanne takes us through the night until the Beaver takes over sometime tomorrow morning (actually. if these schedule is accurate, there will be a slight 4 hour break from the marathon from 8 to 12 for an airing of some show called "She's Got the Look" and Oliver Stone's "Born on the Fourth of July"). I like how the shifts were set up. Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver, with their sugary, idealistic 50's-60's sensibilities and story lines clearly belongs in the daytime hours; while the gritty, decidedly unromantic, modern day suburban slice of life that is "Roseanne" belongs after dark.

Possible Spin for the 4th: All three shows, despite their differences are pretty choice examples of middle class Americana. Leave it to Beaver basically set the standard (although a completely ridiculous and unattainable one) for the ideal American suburban life. Andy Griffith showed a similarly idealized, portrait of small town life as simple and light as its whistling theme song. Roseanne, while being in sharp contrast to the other two shows was still cut from the genuine American sitcom cloth, showing the daily trials and tribulations of average working class Americans.

Death of a Salesman

Really? Billy Mays, too? It's not enough that this past week has been the most prolific celebrity death spiral in recent memory, we have to throw in the beared one as well? It's enough to suspect that there's some sort of real life version of "The Dead Pool" going on. Ed was old and Farrah was ill, but the completely unexpected and sudden deaths of two seemingly healthy middle aged guys with everything to live for starts to smell a little fishy. I vaguely remember someone once telling me that if you can make it through this relatively dangerous period from about 50 to 65 where statistically many of the heart attacks, life threatening illnesses, and accidents happen, the odds are you'll live to at least to 80. If I was around 50 right now I'd be staying up late, totally ridden with anxiety. MJ's health is (as with almost everything with his life) a mystery, but a strapping model of fitness like Billy Mays just suddenly keeping over? What hope is there for the rest of us?

For all the tragedy, you know what the worst thing about losing Mays is for me? The fact that now that he's gone, the title of king of the infomerical unofficially goes by default to this unsavory character:


The most prominent figure in late night product pitching has been changed from a clean cut, family man with an ever present smile and gregarious attitude who sold his wares not by deception but by his sheer, booming enthusiasm and genuine belief in the product, to the above pictured smarmy degenerate who's entire selling method consists of an aggressive fast talking hard sell with a healthy dose of insult and condescending attitude towards the audience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still endlessly entertained by Vince and I eagerly await his next miracle product, but he really is the kind of shady character that gives late night commercial guys a bad name. For timeless class and respect, you couldn't beat Billy. For me he'll always remain the undisputed "King of Shop".

Wait, who died?

I'm sure you've already heard the news repeatedly over every type of media known to man; so it's almost a completely moot point to announce it. It's really the most epic of celebrity deaths in that it was so unexpected, so surprisingly tragic, go global that it became one of those "I know where I was when I heard..." sort of passings. This was basically our generation's Day the Music Died, the death of Elvis, the assassination of John Lennon, the suicide of Kurt Cobain. A shocking event that mournfully closes out an era. It's all so surreal that I still have a difficult time believing it actually happened. I just expect it to be some weirdo stunt, another bizarro chapter in a life defined by sharp eccentricity. However, it looks like the news isn't changing. The cold hard, undeniable fact remains: Flemish singer and television presenter Yasmine is died.

Insensitive punchlines at the expense of other recently deceased celebrities aside, it really was a big deal that MJ died. Just when you thought there was nothing else Michael Jackson could do to shock you, he goes off and unwittingly ends up doing the most startling, unexpected thing imaginable. In the coming days I'm sure there'll be various tributes and reflections of an artist that was once so spectacular and dominant that he was referred to as "The King of Pop". Hopefully they'll shine a dazzling lighting on an unparalleled body of work that shaped and influenced pop music to this very day; a body of work that has been buried and obscured under twenty years of scandal, disturbing behavior, and humiliating weirdness. Hopefully people will realize that in this modern age where if you can manage to get a handful of kids of buy an actual cd gives you the #1 album in the country and where fame is freely given without talent (sometimes specifically because of a lack of it), the passing of Michael Jackson was the passing of the last great superstar.

I think given the events of today, the super extended version of Michael Jackson's obscenely bloated, 40 minutes long, Thriller knock off "Ghosts" from "HIStory" is quite appropriate. I still think his heavily costumed portrayal of the bigoted old white guy is the best acting he's ever done.

Michael Jackson - Ghosts
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That's really all I have to say on the matter. Oh and RIP Farrah Fawcett, sorry you got hosed. For a decade defining icon like you, dying any other week would have guaranteed you the front pages and a host of tributes. Unfortunately, many of us don't choose our untimely deaths. To think, Ed McMahon got a bigger send off than you. I mean how many teenagers came of age masturbating to posters of Ed McMahon?

Bored Photoshopping: Mike Jarvis Cocker

Every once in a while two completely disparate parts of my mind will come together, form an unholy union, and give existence to some strange square peg of a joke or idea that never quite fits anywhere. I'd like to see the interesting Venn diagram of college basketball fans and Britpop enthusiasts that immediately got the above picture. At least, this thought was a simple enough connection. I can't imagine the type of people that would have immediately understood the groan inducing reference I once made between Pavement's "Shady Lane" and South Korea's recent tendency towards hiring Dutch soccer coaches for their national team ("...the coach when he arrived he was Dutch, Dutch, Dutch").

That's some adaquete clone stamping, don't you think?

You make me wanna cry...

When I was around seven years old or so growing up in the Bronx, I remember often going to my friend Dave's apartment which was part of our building complex. I recall playing a lot of NES and Gameboy games while there since my household didn't have them yet (the best we could manage at the time was a fairly outdated Atari 7800). While my distant memories of hanging out at Dave's consist mainly of playing co-opt Double Dragon II in his living room and taking turns on his Gameboy playing hours of Tetris, one other prominent memory is "playing" with his older sister's copy of the "Miami Vice" Board Game.

At the time we really had no idea what "Miami Vice" was or even how to play the game. We just found the large vibrant map of downtown Miami and the colorful candy-like car shaped plastic player pieces fun to play around with. Like all kids who grew up in the age before rendered 3D graphic games, we would actually push the little cars around and pretended to be driving using the power of our "imaginations".

Although I was a completely oblivious pre-adolescent at the time, aside from the car pieces and the game board, I was also drawn to the bad ass shots of Tubbs and Crockett on the cover and throughout the materials of the game. While the show may have been canceled at least for a couple of years by that time and I had no clue of ascetics or style, the seven year old in me still found something inherently cool about the two guys on the cover wearing suits and sunglasses, casually brandishing large firearms, and sitting in front of a menacing sports car. I guess it's the ultimate testament to Michael Mann's groundbreaking, highly influential, visual style and production when some kid, years after its last episode, is transfixed by dogeared images of the show on an old board game. I, like mid 80s America before me, found the whole thing to be unprecedentedly cool.

While the cynical, pop culture educated, twenty something me doesn't find "Miami Vice" to be nearly as uniformly awesome as I had as a child; beneath the slick, outdated, 80's cheese and pastels there still exists an admirable core of classic coolness to the whole show (which Michael Mann ambitiously attempted to recapture and mostly failed with the 2006 movie). And that intangible, timeless coolness is what I felt when I came across this random closing clip from an old "Miami Vice" episode:

I inadvertently came across that scene while initially searching for a clip of Godley & Creme's video for "Cry". After giving it a view, I just want to say that as groundbreaking and iconic the original video for "Cry" was, that "Miami Vice" clip on its own would have been a 10 times better music video. The show takes one of the absolute (lyrically) wussiest songs ever written, focuses on the awesome musical qualities of the song, and sets it so an unbelievable six minute stretch of television that includes:

• The aftermath of some sort of massive shootout.
• Majestic long shots of Don Johnson driving around in a sports car around the dunes of Miami.
• A tense desert meeting with a shirtless, blazer wearing Ted Nugent.
• A deadly shootout with a shirtless, blazer wearing Ted Nugent.
  
• Shots of Edward James Olmos looking his stoic, mustachioed best.
• A meeting with a beautiful foreign woman on a beach
• Said woman being arrested unexpectedly via helicopter

For it's time, a police procedural show ending on this sparsely dialogued, extended, music video-like conclusion seems downright mind blowing. This really was setting the bar for all the other slick knock offs that would eventually follow. I looked it up and apparently the clip is the final part of a Season 2 episode called "Definately Miami". Although it's available to watch in its entirety, I don't really want to know anything more about it. At this point it beautifully exists in an ideal, context-less vacuum and I think any more information about the plot or why Ted Nugent's in the middle of the desert shooting at people would only spoil it for me.

Zack Attack!

If the Internet hasn't already shown it to you, you should check out the above appearance by one Mr. Mark-Paul Gosselaar, or should I say Zack Morris, on last night's "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon." While I've dismissed nearly everything Fallon has done in his career from his giggly run on SNL to his failed movie career to his selection as Conan's replacement, I have to admit this was a total home run. Actually congratulations should be given to both men involved, Fallon for his astounding commitment to bringing back all the members of "Saved by the Bell" and for Gosselaar to being a complete champ about coming back in character and absolutely nailing it. In my opinion, the whole affair went beyond just a memorable late night performance and should be considered landmark television.

Seriously, when has any legitimate actor ever made a full appearance on a late night talk show, completely in a character they last played almost two decades ago promoting a project they are currently doing in reality? I'm not talking about some has-been or bit player coming on for a little sketch or cameo. This isn't Abe Vigoda doing his usual shtick or J.J. Walker coming out and saying "Dy-no-mite!". Gosselaar was there on legitimate grounds to push the new season of his TNT show "Raising the Bar", but absolutely remained completely entrenched in his Zack Morris character for the entire interview.

The truly impressive part was just how devoted and faithful the whole bit was to the original source material. The entire segment was obviously scripted and predetermined but any real fan of "Saved by the Bell" would have been impressed with the attention to detail by the writers. The "Late Night" writers could have just played it lazy and just made broad references to the show that anyone would have gotten but in this case you can tell that they actually watched enough of it.

On the surface the wardrobe was spot on, vintage Morris head to toe. The writers and Gosselaar had the smug attitude, the smile, the eyebrows, the total lack of inner monologue, all down pat. The whole deal about how Mark-Paul Gosselaar is actually the created stage name and persona of Zack Morris was a fairly ingenious way to keep him in character while still referencing his current work. It's also has a sort of intriguing meta bent to it that's far smarter and more sophisticated then every "Saved By the Bell" episode combined. The interview hit on all the big Zack Morris references from the vintage giant cellphone to the time-outs, to the performance of his hit Zack Attack single "Friends Forever"; but again the really delightful parts were in the details.

The introduction of his relationship with Kelly Kapowski was a clever parody of how he introduced her in the very first episode ("Kelly Kapowski: loves volleyball, windsurfing, and at one point me.") complete with the same remote controlled life sized poster. When talking about their eventual falling out he referenced "slimeball" Jeff, that older guy who managed the Max that she briefly dated. The great line about how she moved to a "different zip code", dark times hanging out with Johnny Dakota at the Attic, Stacy Carosi from the Malibu Sands Resort were coming out so fast that it took a second for the more savvy members of the audience to recognize. Finally the pitch perfect performance obviously couldn't have gone as well if Mark-Paul Gosselaar didn't look EXACTLY THE SAME as he did when he was in high school! The guy's freakin' 35 years old! Did he get into Dick Clark's private stash or something?

Overall, just flat out well done. I had my reservations when I first heard about Fallon's quest to reunite the entire cast of "Saved By the Bell". I feared it was some disingenuous co-opting of early 90's camp to score cheap laughs. However if an eventual re-union can be as totally faithful and in character as this appearance then I'm all for it. Hopefully this sets a new precedent in late night guest appearances. How infinitely more watchable would late night television be if the guests all came as their past alter-egos and pushed their new work instead of boring us all to sleep with their mostly awkward banter and discussions of the unremarkable minutiae of their celebrity lives? Imagine Sean Penn coming out and showing clips from his new movie as Jeff Spicoli or Julia Louis-Dreyfus talking about the new season of "The New Adventures of Old Christine" as Elaine Benes. Totally mindblowing.

The Internet Never Forgets

My senior year at NYU was probably my favorite school year ever (although I faintly recall kindergarten to have been quite pleasant and 6th grade wasn't all that bad as well). While nothing resembling outrageous Rothian standards, between all my AP credits and my early core class heavy schedule, by the end of junior year I had completed all my essential requirements for my Communications major, leaving me with an already light senior year schedule that I had to fill with wacky, superfluous electives. I went to school a maximum three days a week (I got it down to two by the spring semester) and when I happened to be there I was either taking guitar lessons or developing film or workshopping poetry. It was sort of like a year long day camp...that cost about $30,000. By the end, all my frivolous class taking even gave me enough credits for an unexpected minor in creative writing.

One of my light elective classes was a digital art class where we learned basic level Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign, and had some lectures about art and composition. Aside from all the neat posters we got to make and print out on the fancy giant printer, the rudimentary Photoshop skills I learned are still used by me today (sadly, as a communications major, this was probably the only piece of useful, substantive education I received during my whole 4 years there). One of the ongoing assignments during the semester was for everyone in class to create and maintain a simple photo blog on Blogger that they would have to update with one interesting image every week. We all dutifully maintained our little blogs (mine was called "Amazing Victor's Blogosphere") and when the semester ended we all just abandoned them, to lie fallow and forgotten on the endless plains of the Internet.

This would be the case for almost the next three years or so until I recently found some of my old digital assignments while sorting around the files of my old college laptop. It was then that I wondered if my temporary little site still existed. I put the name in on google and, lo and behold, there it was, a mass of 1s and 0s frozen in time, perfectly preserved since September of 2006, waiting for the next update. I had also forgotten that after I submitted my final picture, I had randomly uploaded two other entries: some random shots of me unkempt and unemployed post college (my how things have...remained exactly the same) and some shots from a College Bowl meeting that stands as probably the only known photographic documentation of an actual NYU College Bowl meeting.

This blast of digital nostalgia also helped me gain some perspective on just how unfathomably vast and full of crap the interest is. There's an entire world of users out there leaving random web footprints that'll out last the Pyramids. Every fleeting web page, bog, social network profile, web board comment, etc., no matter how inconsequential is probably preserved in the infinite folds of the web. You wouldn't believe the number of immacuately preserved websites for forgotten movies of the past still exist (looking to download some sweet desktop backgrounds or AIM icons from the movie "Paycheck"? I know I am!). It's an interesting thought that your "LOL" comment on the Star Wars Kid Youtube video from 2004 will likely be around far after you've disappeared. The ancient Greeks would be so pissed that immortality in the 21st century is a few clicks away; they had to spend all their lives chipping away on marble slabs, creating sculptures and shit.

I have to admit, however, there are even some limits to the internet. I'm pretty sure my geocities webpage from 1997 consisting of an all cap "Welcome to Victor's Home Page" greeting, lime greenback background, a picture of Mr. T and a free web counter is lost forever.

A Petty Distinction

Lori Petty was arrested on suspicion of a DUI after she hit some skate border the other day. While all this is undoubtedly a negative experience for Petty; for someone with as faded a career as her, the old maxim: "there's no such thing as bad press" couldn't be truer. I had completely forgotten about her existance for probably a couple of years until I caught the headline on yahoo! late yesterday night. Also, going by the recent pictures, I suspect that she may be dying her hair and becoming Joan Jett on the weekends (I suspected she was also Susan Powter but apparently Susan re-started the insanity and is now sporting multi-colored dreds). The thing that really caught my eye was how the headline ran along the lines of: "Point Break Actress Arrested for DUI". The AP article that most online news outlets link to also introduce her as "'Point Break' actress Lori Petty."

I would have to disagree with most of these articles. If there was any definative magnum opus for which Lori Petty should be forever defined by, it has to be "Tank Girl". Every news report, gossip rag, obituary should be identifying her as "'Tank Girl' actress Lori Petty". You might have an outside argument for referring to her as "'A League of Their Own' actress Lori Petty" (which a few outlets have used) but she was merely a supporting character among a wide ensemble cast. Lori Petty was Tank Girl, all 104 terrible and obnoxious minutes of it. Frankly, I'd be more comfortable if the media just referred to her as "Tank Girl" rather than by her actual name.

While I'm sure her recent guest appearances on "House" and "Prison Break" we're solid and I do remember her being the voice of the villain "Livewire" on the Superman cartoon, but barring some sort of highly unlikely career renaissance Ms. Petty's professional zenith was 14 years ago sitting on top of that tank talking to Ice T in some hideous mutant dog costume. I mean if Michael Beck got arrested for a double homicide, would be refer to him as anything but ""The Warriors' actor Michael Beck"? Or if Wes Bentley was found strangled to death in his home would the headline or article not contain the phrase "'American Beauty' actor Wes Bentley"?

One hit wonders are not just limited to music.