Victor Sells Out

It was...fun. Oh, my...

2012-01-24T22:23:00.008-05:00

To paraphrase General Douglas MacArthur: "Old advertising mascots never die; they just fade away". The life of an advertising icon is an unpredictable one; some continue to live on as the indelible (somewhat racist) face of a national brand for well over a century, others are over used and worn out into total irreverence, while others flop right out of the gate into obscurity. Occasionally a mascot may get discontinued, only to find unexpected new life decades later. One thing mascots hardly ever do, however, is actually get killed.

It is an exceedingly rare and bold move on the part of a brand when they decide to go for the nuclear option of putting in the effort to deliberately and publicly eliminate their mascot in an advertisement. The only other example I can think of is the heroic death of Segata Sanshiro, the star of a series of brilliantly insane Sega Saturn ads in Japan from the late 90s that I would need to devote an entire entry to properly cover; he had by far the most epic death for an advertising mascot. I do recall the Budweiser frogs were the victims of an assassination attempt in 1997 by some vindictive Italian-American lizards and their hired ferret associate, which did leave one of them traumatized.

The public executing of a mascot is the ultimate expression on the company's part that they are going in a totally new direction and leaving the past completely behind. If a company takes the time and spends the money on a proper end for their character, I suppose it either means that they: (a) have grown to absolutely despise the character and want to be as public with their disapproval as possible or (b) have so much respect for the character that they want to give them the dignity of a big finale rather than just quietly phasing them out.

In the case of Priceline.com's decision this week to kill their longtime spokesman, the legendary William "The Negotiator" Shatner, it is definitely more the latter reason. Priceline, which somehow managed to survive the dot.com bubble and (to my continuing surprise) manages to thrive today as a travel website, has finally decided to drop its silly "name your price" feature, which never really worked that well, and has finally become a straight travel discount site like all the others. This end of the need for price negotiation obviously means the end of the "The Negotiator". It appears that the war had ended and apparently fixed prices have won.

So after 14 years of loyal, price slashing service from the quirky concert sets of the late 90s, to his epic showdown with Leonard Nemoy, to his latter day role as "The Negotiator " (with occasional help from the Big Deal), the people at Priceline decided give Shatner a final act on par with the passing of his other famous character. Looking at the two deaths there is an odd similarity between them. Both instances involved a large explosion on a vast cliff, a fearless act of heroism that saved many lives (and in the case of the commercial, also money), and a sort of symbolic passing of the torch to a new generation. As commercial mascot deaths go, I think it was a fine way to close the chapter and turn the page.

Farewell Negotiator, I hope you're in a better, more affordably priced place.

Wikineedia

2012-01-19T09:05:00.010-05:00

As you may have noticed from your friends facebook statuses and from visiting many of your favorite websites, yesterday was official SOPA/PIPA protest day on the Internet or, as I will remember it as, the day Wikipedia didn't work. Now I'm all for an unfettered, free Internet (you may have noticed my blog has been preemptively protesting SOPA/PIPA by not contributing an entry since last Wednesday). From what information I've skimmed both proposed pieces of legislation appear unduly restrictive and would cause more harm than the proposed good (although I do feel all I've been getting is the anti-legislation viewpoint; where can I get some pro-SOPA information? The RIAA website? A brief chat with Chris Dodd?). I for one though am not too worried that these laws might pass, there appears to be such a negative majority reaction to it and (although no one is really publicly stating it) there is no way modern American society will allow anything that would hinder or burden the free flow of easy access, streaming, pornography. With that said, the real lesson I learned on Jan. 18th was how important wikipedia was to my everyday life.

Not to get all former communications major on everyone but Wikipedia has to be one of the few completely beneficial things to have come out of the Internet. It's one of those innovations that the Internet was created for (along with of course the free flow of easy access, streaming, pornography): a constantly updating collaborative compendium of human knowledge that's standardized and summarized and freely available for the masses; an amazing achievement that could not be done in any other medium. Aside from the participation and scale of the project, the really great thing about wikipedia has been its democratization of information. Without the burdens of physical media along with the accessibility for anyone to contribute an entry, all information, regardless of importance or cultural significance is included and treated the same way. An article detailing the WWE/WCW Monday Night Wars is covered and treated with the same standards as World War II; you won't get that from Encarta 98.

Being suddenly denied daily access to this diverse, dynamic source of information made me realize how much it had become my daily fact checker and reference guide for the mindless minutiae in my life from petty disputes in conversations, random connections, forgotten facts, to fleeting obsessions. It was downright frustrating how I found myself being denied quick and easy facts about all the random topics that flew into the scattered brain. Ten things off the top of my head I couldn't look up or had to consult inferior sources yesterday:

I think I'll go click on one of those ubiquitous banners and donate a fiver.

Inanimated Or: Why I Am Crazy

2012-01-11T22:30:00.005-05:00

We had to throw out our old home toaster recently. Something went wrong with the internal coils and it just started burning one side of the bread to a crisp while leaving the other side untouched. Looking back over its life, I would conclude it had a pretty impressive run. Seven plus years of flawless service is quite an achievement for a low end, no frills, white plastic outer shell, Hamilton Beech toaster. Had it held out for a little while longer it might have even outlasted the Kmart where I think it was originally bought. I'm sure whatever toaster we get to replace it will be just as unremarkably reliable at it's singular, specialized task of warming up slices of bread, with the occasional bagel thrown in. I really shouldn't pay this mundane domestic non-story any mind and give it about as much remembrance as a replaced light bulb or a tossed dull shaving razor. Unfortunately, as you can see I cannot, since I am part of the generation cursed to have grown up with "The Brave Little Toaster"

For myself (and I suspect more than a few other of my peers), that exciting animated adventure tale featuring a plucky little toaster and his misfit cadre of animate home appliances (Radio, Lampy, Blanky, and Kirby the vacuum) faithfully seeking to reunite with their beloved owner who was forced to abandon them years ago has instilled a sort of irrational attachment and nostalgia for the inanimate objects, particularly of my childhood. The film and its sequels (including one where they somehow end up on Mars!) combined with the movie's obvious progeny, the even more sentimental, emotionally loaded, "Toy Story" films (interestingly enough many original Pixar members worked on "Toaster") is likely responsible for cultivating more than a fair share of hoarders within my generation.

Of course we all have our mementos, heirlooms, and souvenirs that we all hang onto and which keep us connected to the past and fond memories; and there are times when a vintage item is actually better than a modern day version, but there are clearly limits. If an object has outlived its usefulness and a replacement is available, you should replace it without affording it the empathy reserved for a human being. I shouldn't feel a twinge of sadness as I see my broken toaster looking solitary and out of place in the outside trash bin. I shouldn't think it lies awake at night, shivering in the cold, staring at the empty sky, grimly pondering why it has been suddenly abandoned. I shouldn't imagine all the other kitchen appliances having melancholy conversations about their lost comrade and morbidly considering their own mortality. The new replacement toaster should not be characterized as an arrogant villain just because it happens to be newer and more advanced than the old toaster.

Whenever I start to get irrationally sentimental like this, I think back to one of my all time favorite TV adverts: the series of Ikea commercials from the 90s where the viewer is manipulated into feeling bad about the unfortunate fate of a household object and it then abruptly told by stern looking Swede that we are crazy for thinking that and you are better off replacing old, tacky items with new ones. It is true, I am crazy and Disney and Pixar are highly irresponsible for peddling such entertaining and memorable messages of consumer goods animism to kids at such impressionable ages. I should enjoy my new toaster, guilt free and perhaps buy a new floor lamp from Ikea.

For next week, in my continuing series examining the influence of animated films of my childhood in my adult life, I'll tackle the deep theological issues of mortality, the afterlife, and the existence of the soul raised by "All Dogs Go To Heaven".

Odds - Future

2011-12-31T19:13:00.006-05:00

Counting this article (and I guess barring any sudden uncontrollable compulsions to update in the next four or so hours) my final year end tally for entries on "Victor Sells Out" will top out at 52. It averages out to about a post a week, a pretty modest number for a supposedly active personal blog; additionally I'm not even factoring in the actual quality of these 52 posts. Of the five years (feeling so, so old) since I started the blog proper, it'll rank right in the middle as my third most productive year (if I remember my middle school math that will make it the "median"). It's nowhere near my prolific 130 from 2008 (I really should have been studying a lot more that first year of law school) and almost double my pathetic 27 from 2010 (I really should have written more since I was unemployed for most of that year).

My ideal target since I started this blog has been to average 10 posts a month for 120 on the year. The only year I actually matched (and surprisingly surpassed) it was my magical 2008. Since it is the end of 2011 and the promise of a fresh new 2012 with seemingly limitless possibilities looms ahead (and seeing as I needed one more entry to make things an even 52) I figured I would publicly set an official post goal to keep me accountable for the upcoming year; although truth be told there are no real consequences for me if I miss this number aside from mild disappointment. It'll also give something for you compulsive types to wager on. After some consideration I will officially set my target goal for the coming year at: 100 Posts.

Now having told you that my ideal number of posts every year is 120, it may seem a bit defeatist to set it well below my defined standard for success. However, aside from being a nice looking round number to set a milestone towards, I like to think 100 posts is a tempered, realistic goal and a admirable step towards gradually achieving an output of 120. Also, I'm a massive pessimist. Do you know anything about me? Have you ever read anything here?

Of course, this target number will be null and void if the world comes to an end as supposedly the Mayans and "The X-Files" predicted. Happy New Year Everybody.

Keep The Change

2011-12-19T22:29:00.001-05:00

It may not be all that apparent from the look of the posts but this new Blogger interface that has finally been forced upon me...SUUUUUCKS!!

Now I'm sure like every other form of initially jarring interface change I've ever encountered on my favorite internet sites and applications (new blogger, new gmail, new facebook, etc.), I will eventually get used to it and, who knows, may even find it superior to the way things used to be. For now though, all I know is it took me about 15 frustrating minutes to get the proper formatting done to make my latest Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn update conform with the rest of the site. Normally it takes me about a minute to put up a post. This is the complete opposite of progress.

Are people really calling for all these websites to overhaul their setups? Or is this superfluous change for the sake of change? I for one had absolutely no problem with gmail and the old blogger and was particularly miffed at the shuffle. I know I'll probably hate timeline, but I'm actually getting a little ignored that the folks at facebook haven't even pushed it upon me yet. There are clearly websites that are asking for an overhaul (my yahoo mail account for one kinda blows), but why change a site that the overwhelming majority agree is fine the way it is?

In the end I suppose there's just no use fighting progress. I just wish my blog margins and line spacing stayed consistent.

Two Tragic, Yet Fascinatingly Freakish Stories I Read On Yahoo! News That Tangentially Reminded Me Of Scenes From Famous 80s Action Movies

2011-12-07T09:41:00.008-05:00

No doubt the first in a series...

Couple Badly Injured After Bodybuilder Attack

Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.

Model Loses Hand In Plane Propeller Accident

Unfortunately I couldn't find a good copy of the original scene so I had to go with the crude Lego reenactment; but you all know how it goes.

Now if only there was an article about a distinguished Detroit cop who was left in critical condition after a gang shooting or a group of terrorists taking over a Los Angeles office building and holding its residents hostage.

Ain't No Cure For The Sunday Night Blues

2011-11-27T15:18:00.004-05:00

For me the one downside of having an extended weekend is the extended cases of the blues I get at the end of it on Sunday night when the prospect of the work week ahead looms overhead. It's really not the work itself that I dislike, it's that it's just so damn time consuming. Those daylight hours that I'm squandering at work are my prime, most promising hours of my waking life; the high ceiling hours with the highest potential chance (as objectively remote as they may be) that I do something life changingly awesome. There's got to be a better use for them (I mean look at the proliferation of posts over just these four days!). The idea that this wonderful string of leisure filled, responsibility-less free days may actually come to an end starts to drip into my awareness as early as Saturday night, but once Sunday afternoon rolls around and everything starts to take on a dim golden light I'm already dreading that moment Monday morning when I sit at my desk and realize I have a whole day of this nonsense ahead. As the last thing I usually see before going to sleep, NBC's Sunday Night Football, has now perversely become this depressing funeral for the weekend; with Tony Dungy, Dan Patrick, and the rest of the studio team serving as awkwardly bantering pallbearers.

While I thought that this Sunday melancholy was just a label for the personal complaints of slackers and people who don't like their jobs, according to Wikipedia (which we all know is the universal arbiter of ultimate legitimacy) it is a real medical condition known as "Sunday night blues". Who knows how many untold millions are quietly suffering from this terrible affliction? Forget restless less syndrome meds and boner drugs, if someone could crack the Sunday night blues, and invent a pill that will make you think you'll be going on a beach vacation on Monday, they'll be bigger than penicillin (currently the closest thing to an available cure is having an extended boozy Sunday brunch). I will admit that the actual page for Sunday night blues (or SNB as I will now call it on my workers comp forms) is quite sparse and lightly researched and is probably headed towards deletion without any further intervention; but until that happens I have a new semi-legitimate medical excuse in my pocket for missing work on Mondays.

I Said No, No, No

2011-11-25T18:17:00.005-05:00

As a Netflix subscriber, I am quite diligent and thoughtful when it comes to rating the movies or TV shows I've viewed. Like many, Netflix has sort of turned the once leisurely activity of watching entertainment into a task bordering on a chore and I often find myself putting in extra effort to consume enough media to get the best of my monthly subscriber fee (this is especially the case with unwatched mail-in DVDs which just sit on the counter as a conspicuous red faced reminder of my laziness). So when I get through a title, I find it to be a triumphant ritual to give my immediate one to five star impression of it. Additionally, constant feedback is what allows the cutting edge Netflix personal recommendation algorithm to continue to give me astoundingly accurate and spot on suggestions.

As far as my grading tendencies go, I'm a relatively soft grader. The way I see it, the fact that I had enough interest in the TV series or movie to select it to watch should give it at least a presumptive 3 star rating. In the end it all sort of works out to a curve with the great majority of titles residing in the 3 to 4 star, ok to good, territory. It takes an exceptional film to get a 5 and it takes a pretty lousy piece of cinema to get a 2 (1 star is exclusively reserved for my all time, truly terrible, eighth circle of hell, films of which there are only currently eight; I may cover these in another post but to give you an idea one of them is "Nothing But Trouble"). Since an exceptional 5 film or a poor 2 film are both equally rare, it's always a notable occasion when I run across one.

Unfortunately, this time around the latest outlier was a 2 rating for the 2000 Sandra Bullock dramedy (although it really fails on both levels) "28 Days". I had the absolute lowest of expectations going into this movie since I just needed something to watching while trying to get to sleep, yet it somehow failed to even live up to these low stakes. Actually, if the film was even duller and it instantly put me to sleep, I may have given it the gentleman's 3 for getting some beneficial reaction out of me. In the end though, the film turned out to be so muddled in its content and middling its delivery that it failed to entertain even as a failure (which is truly the worst kind of failure).

The brief as possible summary is as follows: Sandra Bullock is an alcoholic along with her jerky enabler boyfriend (Dominic West in actual English accent mode); she gets drunk at her sister's wedding and ruins the whole affair (although the ridiculousness of her actions and the damage she causes makes it look like alcohol causes her to go temporarily insane); which gets her sentenced to a rehab retreat populated by a bunch of "quirky" addicts including Mike O'Malley (playing the same cap wearing laid back dude roll he has played in everything), Viggio Mortenson (as the possible love interest), the guy who played Poppy from "Seinfeld", and some vulnerable looking teenage girl who I immediately (and correctly) predicted would die later on to lend the story some tragedy; after some initial friction Sandra comes to grips with her problem, makes friends, makes amends with her sister, leaves rehab and her boyfriend, and looks ahead to a clean and sober future.

The main problem with the film is that it is indecisive on whether it's going to be a black comedy or gritty drama about addiction and fails at being both. You know the old joke about "28 Days" being the prequel to the zombie horror film "28 Days Later"? That is funnier than any of this film's attempts at humor. O'Malley is supposed to be the sarcastic comic relief but he's had better material in his cable commercials. There's another resident, Gerhardt, whose fey eurotrash German-ness is apparently supposed to be inherently funny. Once again the indecisiveness of the filmmakers when assembling the supporting cast of residents sinks the film. They apparently didn't want everyone to be one joke caricatures but they also didn't want everyone to be complex, grimly realistic depictions of addicts so they found this bland medium of lame partially formed characters that the audience isn't really compelled to care about. As for the drama, every time things start to get serious or we start to learn about the sad history of a resident, the film tries to be light and immediately reels back. As for Sandra's character there are all these flashbacks and implications of a traumatic childhood for her and her sister involving their alcoholic mother and her untimely death, but it gets resolved so quickly after one quick heart to heart chat between the sisters towards the end that you wonder why they never got around to this prior.

In addition, the film also doesn't seem to know what to do with Viggio Mortenson's character. Even though he's probably the most fully realized supporting character and has one of the more interesting back stories in the film, he's a famous baseball pitcher currently in rehab, they never really go into it all that deeply nor do they show him making progress with his addictions at the clinic. From the outset you think she's going to fall for him when he makes his first appearance in the film by heroically carrying her into the rehab center after she nearly kills herself trying to escape through her window. There is obvious tension between them throughout and they do have an awkward kiss and he has a confrontation with the boyfriend but then he sort of disappears for a while down the final stretch. Even all the way at the end when she's leaving the facility and he chases her car down to have a big final confrontation with her, they make their peace but it doesn't end with them falling in love. She just goes back to her life, decides to leave her boyfriend, and that's how it ends. I guess it's commendable that the filmmakers were trying not to go with the cliche ending but the alternative seemed incomplete.

Oh, and I also forgot Steve Buscemi is also in the film as Sandra Bullock's counselor. As you can tell, his character was just as forgettable as most of the others.

Put it all together and you have the makings of a ultimately forgettable 100 minutes and a textbook example of how to become a 2 star film in my account; neither memorably awesome or memorably awful. There's a reason you probably haven't thought about the film since around 2001 and that this review is probably the detailed discussion of the film since then.

I Hate Mondays

2011-11-12T22:56:00.007-05:00

For the past two weeks I have been weirdly fascinated, bordering on obsessed, with the above screen cap. I find it hilarious yet utterly terrifying. It's from a Onion Avclub review of the Halloween episode of the new Tim Allen sitcom "Last Man Standing" (aptly or uncreatively titled "Last Halloween Standing") that randomly caught my eye. From what I've gathered the Garfield costume was imposed upon the one daughter as a sort of anti-sexy Halloween guise (which she apparently later alters to turn sexy). I have not seen a single second of the show nor do I want to make any real effort to see an episode, though it sort of looks like "Home Improvement" with girls and Hector Elizondo, but I have to say this image should live on far beyond the show's run (which despite some pretty low reviews was still popular enough to recently warrant a full season order from ABC).

If You Say So Mr. Loggia...

2011-10-21T22:29:00.004-04:00

A few days ago I suffered a completely random pop culture acid flashback about the above Minute Maid Orange Juice Commercial featuring veteran actor Robert Loggia from circa 1998. I was not at the breakfast table at the time nor was I drinking any orange juice or watching "Necessary Roughness". It was just one of those inexplicable overflows from the thick simmering stew that is my subconscious (also maybe my body's telling me I should get more vitamin C in my diet?).

Regardless, after looking up the commercial again I came upon a few new observations and conclusions that escaped me when I initially saw it in the late 90s:

Before I even get into the content of the commercial, I was surprised at how much more popular this commercial was than I originally thought. I thought the ad was so obscure that there would be a good chance that it might not even be available on the internet. Additionally, despite a having a career that spans television and movies all the way back to the 1950s, Loggia's performance in this commercial takes up on entire paragraph of his wikipedia entry. It may either be a testament to the popularity of the commercial or the shoddiness of his wikipedia page (I'd say a combination of both; it's definitely not the best written of pages).
The commercial predates "Family Guy" by nearly a decade in discovering the previously unknown inherent humor of just mentioning the name Robert Loggia. I don't know if the "Family Guy" cutaway was supposed to be a loose parody of the commercial, or an inspired pastiche of the ad, or just a weird random coincidence. I still find it pretty funny; although like all "Family Guy" cutaways I have absolutely no idea what the actual episode was about.
The joke of the commercial is ostensibly supposed to come from a young boy randomly suggesting an unexpected actor like Robert Loggia to be a source of integrity about the deliciousness of the new orange juice and the sudden appearance of said Mr. Loggia into the kitchen to convince the boy. It's all a pretty surreal scene. However, the commercial becomes far more interesting and oddly more logical if you suspect that the mother is having an affair with Robert Loggia. Check out the knowing, beaming smile of the mom when he invades the kitchen. The dad reacts the way any normal person would in that situation, with surprise and suspicion, but the mom just keeps that gigantic devilish smile going through the whole scene. Add that to the knowing wink Loggia gives to the mom right before he leaves and you have to suspect something's going on. I can't rule out the possibility that Billy is the secret love child of Robert Loggia and the mom and our poor bald dad is a pathetic cuckold whose "son" doesn't even respect him enough to believe when he says he'll like the taste of the juice.
As to the implausibility of a pre-adolescent boy knowing who Robert Loggia is, while it's highly unlikely that he knows him from is tough guy roles in mature movies like "Scarface", "Prizzi's Honor", or "Lost Highway"; but he might have just saw him the night before in "Big" or maybe "Independence Day" (ID4 was still sort of fresh in all our minds around 1998). What's really inexplicable is why the kid is so ardently anti-calcium; does it even have a taste?
That extra Robert Loggia "yeah!" at the very end of the spot really is the cherry on top, the whole spot would be nothing without that final exclamation point. The bite special effect that comes right before the "yeah!" however makes it sound like he's the one who took a bite out of the carton.

Next week, I'll be covering that old Little Caesars commercial where the little girl goes to meet the head of Little Caesars only to have it be George Burns instead (although she doesn't seem disappointed in the least by it).

I Should Know, I'm Bocephus

2011-10-17T22:55:00.006-04:00

Chris Farley as Bocephus

C Dogg | Myspace Video

During all the recent controversy involving country music star (although it has been a pretty dry two decades career wise) and amateur political pundit Hank Williams Jr.'s Hitler accusations against the President leading to his subsequent firing from his longstanding tenure as Monday Night Football's official football readiness ambassador; I found it surprising that in all the internet coverage, I have yet to find a single reference to the above 1997 SNL sketch with the late Chris Farley playing Bocephus.

For SNL and Chris Farley fans the October 1997 episode with Farley as the host will always be a little bittersweet since it would turn out to be his last major television appearance before his unfortunate death from an overdose a mere two months later. I remember finding the whole episode to be pretty damn awesome at the time. Watching it again recently, in an abridged form on Netflix Instant, some parts still hold up well, I will always find Farley's turn as "El Niño" to be stupidly hilarious (note: the full sketch, which was unavailable on youtube has Jim Brewer, doing the worst Ric Flair impersonation in history, coming in at the end to fight El Niño), but it has definitely lost its luster in other parts. Through the prism of hindsight it becomes pretty obvious that Farley was sort of a wreck at that point: he's gigantic, perpetually sweaty, and his voice is unusually horse (even the opening sketch is Tim Meadows trying to "convince" Loren Micheals into letting Farley host, despite his reservations about his ability to keep it together which leads to an opening monologue involving him initially flaking out before being talked into going on stage at the last minute).

As for the above sketch featuring Hank Williams Jr., it stayed about the same in my eyes in terms of humorousness. Although that isn't really saying much since I only found it mildly funny the first time. The sketch really doesn't go anywhere and is almost totally held together by Farley's ridiculous portrayal of Williams Jr. as a fat talentless drunken clown. The interesting thing about the sketch compared to recent events is that Farley's Bocephus turns out to be a sympathetic victim, having been unfairly mocked and generalized by the seemingly cultured, urban, studio engineers. Bocephus gives a softhearted monologue about empathy, not making snap judgment about others, and his ultimate goal of bringing people in his own awkward way together through his music. This comes off as a bit of a contrast to the the real Bocephus who responded to his critics and firing by releasing a hastily put together, county fried, reactionary diss track about guns and freedoms and decrying the "United Socialist States of America" that makes Ray Stevens sound as liberal as Bruce Springsteen by comparison.

In these polarizing times, I think we can all learn a little something from Farley's Bocephus.

It Was The Last Game of the Season

2011-10-01T15:27:00.004-04:00

Ideally this post about David Geddes's mostly forgotten, cumbersomely titled, 1975 top 20 hit "The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)" would have been most relevant last Wednesday when it actually was the last game of the MLB season for all the teams. It could have still been relevant if Atlanta or Boston didn't complete their spectacular month long collapses and ended up at least forcing an extra play-in game for the next day. However when it comes to posts on this blog, we should all be happy enough to get posts let alone timely ones.

As I was saying, since discovering "The Last Game of the Season" a few years ago the final regular season games of all the major sport teams I follow have reminded me of it for obvious reasons; I can't really think of any other notable songs off the top of my head about the last game of the season. Additionally, since most of the big four sports teams that I have a rooting interest in have long been in periods of "rebuilding" (Islanders, Mets, Knicks, Bills) the regular season have often become the end of the line.

That being said, I sort of wish that there was a better song to commemorate the end of professional sports seasons. I have to admit "The Last Game of the Season" is well, more or less, kind of terrible. Ostensibly it's not even related to professional sports, the song's story is about the last high school football game of the season; and even then it's pretty lacking in any actual details about the game and focuses on the ludicrously cornball story about the underdog second string running back protagonist and his faithful titular blind man father who listens to his games from the stand.

Generally I am a huge fan of the overly melodramatic and overwrought 70s story song and I actually really enjoyed Geddes's more successful first single, the deliciously over the top tale of doomed star crossed love, "Run Joey Run" (it still absolutely blows my mind that Glee once covered this obscure hit). However, there's just something lacking about "The Last of the Season". The song's set up is fine and there's plenty of excessive sentimentality in the story: the dad's boundless optimism for his scrappy underdog son's future success (perhaps blind faith?) contrasted with the sad predicament of the father only being able to see his son scoring touchdowns in his dreams. The reveal at the end is killer, where after the son comes into the game and inexplicably leads the team to a thrilling come from behind victory he reveals that his father had passed away in a hospital during the middle of the game but he takes solace in the fact that "it's the first time that my father's seen me play". Utterly devastating. Basically you take "Rudy" and make the dad blind and kill him off at the last game of the season; a game which Rudy makes an actually meaningful contribution to the team's end of the season victory rather than just getting the symbolic victory of getting on the field in garbage time.

Unfortunately the music and the singing just doesn't bring across with enough gravitas to support the heavy concept. The vocals could have been more soaring, the chorus could have been expanded, the score stripped of even more subtlety. The song felt like it was pulling its punches, or I guess in this case, not pulling enough on the listener's heartstrings. In addition, there weren't enough little touches to paint a vivid enough picture to match the emotions. It's never explained how far the team was behind, if the game meant anything to the team, or what exactly the son do to get the win.

To put it into a more relevant sports analogy, there's certainly a lot of potential in the song but at the end of the season it ultimately and disappointingly falls short of the playoffs.

Do You Remember?

2011-09-18T21:56:00.012-04:00

Maybe one can blame it on the sullenness associated with the sluggish economy or the problems caused by the recent hurricane or maybe it's the residual gloom from the 10th anniversary of 9/11 but I must say, with only a mere three days left, I have sensed a definite lull this year in overall excitement for September Day; a situation which I find totally unacceptable.

For some of the more distant foreign readers of the blog and the terminally unfunky, "September Day" is the annual celebration of legendary R&B and funk band Earth, Wind & Fire's 1978 top ten Billboard hit "September". Since its inception in 1979, the year following the song's debut, smooth groove loving fans of getting down and funky from all walks of life have made an effort to "remember the 21st night of September" by gathering at sundown and partying the night away listening to, and performing should the mood strike oneself, "September" along with covers and remixes of varying quality; reveling in the singular joy of the band's 6th or so highest charting single.

With the nation's current state of general malaise, we are in desperate need of a particularly jumping edition of September Day. It is more important than ever for people today to let love change the mind of the pretenders and once again chase those clouds away; to once again let hearts ring and the keys of our souls sing as we dance the night away.

Portnoy's Compliment

2011-09-10T18:30:00.006-04:00

If one day one of my grandchildren ever comes up to me and asks, "Grandpa Victor? What did you do during Hurricane Irene?" I would smile, pick them up with my newly implanted cybernetic Jax arms, sit them on my lap and say to them, "well, I suppose I spent most of that weekend inside watching re-runs of 'Cheers', they had the whole series run on Netflix."

That probably will be my lasting legacy from the great tri-state hurricane of '11, watching episode after episode of the delightful early "Sam and Diane" years of the show and discovering a great classic sitcom that I was far too young to appreciate or be aware of during its initial run. I haven't yet moved onto the latter, equally successful, half of the show's life with Woody Harrelson and Kirstie Alley replacing the late Nicholas Colasanto (I'm really going to miss Coach, definitely my favorite supporting character) and Shelly Long respectively; but I have to say the bar has been set pretty high (I just noticed the unintentional pun there) from what I've seen in the early years.

While I wholeheartedly recommend anyone with a Netflix streaming account to check out the series (start with the much lauded pilot episode, it's a rare example of a long running series whose first episode is actually considered one of it's best), one danger I must warn anyone watching multiple episodes of "Cheers" in a row is that you will get the show's iconic theme song stuck in your head for an extended period of time. Did I even need to include a reference link? You all know how it goes. Even if you haven't seen a single episode of the show (which was my case until just the storm), you will most likely be able to still sing along with the chorus. Aside from being insidiously catchy, the lyrics convey a comfortable sweater warmth that finely walks the line between genuine sympathy and empty saccharin; perfectly fitting the theme of the show. It is really the crowning achievement of its singer/co-writer Gary Portnoy.

While he has enjoyed a successful career outside of television as a songwriter for the likes of Dolly Parton, Englbert Humperdinck, and Air Supply since the early 80s, his obituary headline will clearly start off with "Writer/Performer of Cheers Theme". While "Cheers" is his unquestioned lasting legacy, I also found out that he is responsible for two of my other all time favorite television theme songs: the themes to "Punky Brewster" and "Mr. Belvedere".

Oddly enough, growing up I never really saw a full episode of any of the three Portnoy theme songed shows. Like "Cheers", "Punky Brewster" and "Mr. Belvedere" were just slightly out of sync with my prime sitcom watching years (the early 90s). However, whenever I did catch the beginning of a rerun of any of these shows I would often hang around long enough to take in the introductions before switching the channel, a true testament to the accomplishments of Mr. Portnoy. Considering how much I enjoyed the songs I'm not really sure why I never made that logical next step into watching an episode. It can't all be blamed on my age gap because I did watch a fair amount of contemporary shows like "Who's The Boss" (also another great theme song) and "Golden Girls" (total classic).

I think "Punky Brewster" just looked a little too sad and gritty for me. Compared to the cushy, middle class suburban, loving nuclear families of the TGIF line up, the premise of an abandoned child living illegally with a grumpy senior citizen in a run down tenement, made it about as grim and gritty as "The Wire". Most of the elements of the "Cheers" theme are pretty apparent in "Punky", most obvious being Portnoy's distinct vocals. It also the follows the same theme of acknowledging the often difficult and seemingly cruel nature of living and sympathizing with the audience; then singing of a welcome repast from the hardships of life, in the case of "Cheers" a neighborhood bar with all your best friends to commiserate with and give you support and in this case a special young girl whose innocence and boundless optimism brightens your day and melts the most coldly cynical of hearts. Also, dig those killer synths.

In the case of "Mr. Belvedere", I suspect that the re-runs of the show coincided with my usual after-school homework time (5:00 pm), so I never really got an opportunity to get into it. The theme song is in striking contrast to the other two Portnoy tunes. The familiar vocals have been replaced by the almost cartoonish, old timey sounding, voice of Leon Redbone along with a similarly old time jazzy accompaniment. Not really sure how that sort of music fits in with a story about a prim British butler coming to work for an uncouth suburban clan in Pittsburgh (technically Beaver Falls), but hey it was still catchy as hell. I guess the tune also follows along the lines of the themes of the other songs in that the character of Mr. Belvedere is helping the family through the daily trials and tribulations of life and showing how much fuller it can be (my favorite line: "According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival."). Since the show never really became a huge rating hit or developed a dedicated cult following, I don't think this song nearly gets as much credit as it should.

While he won't be confused with Mike Post anytime soon, Gary Portnoy's contributions to 80's sitcom television deserves all time merit in my book. If he never accomplishes anything else of merit ever again, he can still stand proud of this impressive trio of themes. And for those of you out there wondering, yes part of the motivation to write this post was to have a chance to use that title.

Power Play

2011-09-05T13:14:00.000-04:00

One can only ponder the sort of mysterious machinations and manipulation of metrics that go on behind the curtain of Netflix's rating and suggestion system, all to suggest to you to watch "The Larry Sanders Show" based on your viewing of an episode of "The Office" or that "Stripes" tops their list of suggested "Raunchy Underdog Satires". One particular film that often comes up when Netflix generates any list for me involving the phrases "Political", "Thriller", "Action", or "Steamy" (Steamy Political Action Thriller?) is the above forgotten straight to video flotsam from 1997 "Executive Power".

While I would have, like most of America when it came out, totally overlooked and forgotten about this inconsequential piece of cinema (so irreverent that it couldn't even muster a wikipedia entry), I just could not ignore the eye catching shoddiness of its cover every time it popped up on the site. There is no shortage of poorly designed and ascetically questionable covers on Netflix, arising mainly from but not limited to low budget straight to video fare, but something about the "Executive Power" cover really makes it stand out among its fellow bad cover contemporaries. Mainly the cover makes it look like the main protagonists (that high profile pairing of Craig Sheffer and Andrea Roth) are being literally chased by the White House, like it's trying to eat them or something. Of course if there was a horror film about a cannibalistic White House it would obviously be called "Executive Power". As for the title, it's weirdly subdued and taken off center and stuffed in the top corner for seemingly no good reason (show off that sweet shot of the White House?). Additionally why two separate fonts? Don't really see the need to change it up like that. On a subtle level, I think the lack of a tag line or critic quote or even credits on the front (you mean you're not going to capitalize on the high profile pairing of Craig Sheffer and Andrea Roth?) also throws you off.

In the film's defense, the above terrible cover may have been a hastily created alternate for the original cover. The VHS copy of the film on Amazon shows a completely different, more "traditional" (got the names up top, taglines and consistent font title front and center) albeit more risque cover. I suspect that the prudes over at Netflix opted out of this original cover, which looks like a Harlequin novel written by Tom Clancy, to the more vanilla yet aesthetically unpleasant alternate.

On an interesting side note, the basic premise of "Executive Power", male and female protagonists (the high profile couple of Craig Sheffer and Andrea Roth) trying to uncover the truth involving the cover-up of a sex scandal turned murder by the President (noted 80's asshole William Atherton) while being pursued by dangerous shadowy individuals within the administration (John Heard), is quite similar to another 1997 political thriller "Absolute Power" where male and female protagonists (Clint Eastwood and Laura Linney) try to uncover the truth involving the cover-up of a sex scandal turned murder by the President (Gene Hackman) while being pursued by dangerous shadowy individuals within the administration (Judy Davis). This shouldn't be confused with the other 1997 film "Murder at 1600" where male and female protagonists (Wesley Snipes and Diane Lane) try to uncover the truth involving the cover-up of a sex scandal turned murder by the President (other noted 80s asshole Ronny Cox) while being pursued by dangerous shadowy individuals within the administration (Alan Alda).

Was there something about the second Clinton Administration that fostered such fantasies of the President being a lecherous murderer? The Lewinsky scandal which eventually broke the following year showed he was sort of a sleaze, but a murderer? Well...

Disasterous!

2011-08-25T22:14:00.007-04:00

Just as I was finally getting over my survivor's guilt from Tuesday's devastating earthquake, I start hearing all this noise about Hurricane Irene coming up from the south for a historic weekend visit. Two rare East Coast natural disasters in one week? Would somebody please take their cat off the keyboard with the disaster menu open (when will I stop making esoteric SimCity 2000 references? Maybe when a giant alien comes down and attacks me). I have a sinking feeling that this upcoming hurricane won't be as mild as Tuesday's earthquake (then again a light rain on Sunday morning would have been a stronger display than Tuesday's earthquake).

Even at this point, the prospect of the storm has shuttled one of my plans, my friend's yearly summer bbq party near the Jersey Shore, from what was looking like an unusually busy weekend. I still have three more social obligations (facebook invites, so you know it's serious business) that have specifically alerted everyone that they will still go on despite conditions, so I'll have to see how things pan out.

But really, you didn't come here to read about my weekend plans. When the concept of an earthquake and a hurricane (or typhoon, for those of you in the Northwest Pacific Ocean west of the dateline) working in tandem to cause great destruction, you, like I, immediately thought about the great former WWE Tag Team champion team of the late John "Earthquake" Tenta and Fred "Typhoon" Ottman; better known as "The Natural Disasters". As a kid, I thought this team was just about as powerful and unstoppable as their respective natural disasters. You pair the two biggest and heaviest wrestlers of the pre-Yokozuna era and really who could possibly stop them? Certainly not a pair of jobbers like Kato and Barry Horowitz. Every time they had a match, young me was legitimately concerned about the lives of the members of any tag team foolish or suicidal enough to agree to fight them; I think we all knew where we were that dark day when Earthquake nearly killed the Hulkster with his repeated "Earthquake Splashes" (seriously what young Hulkamaniac would not be shaken to their core after watching a non responsive Hogan being taken out by paramedics). While they did cut an impressive path of strained ring ropes and squashed wrestler on the way to winning the tag championship belts; in the end their existence as a team surprisingly turned out to be as brief as they were destructive, lasting only 2 years.

So I guess the lesson here is always have flashlights with fresh batteries for emergencies in your home.

There Was An Earthquake In This Town

2011-08-23T20:07:00.004-04:00

Apparently that mild moving sensation that I felt this afternoon at work wasn't due to my shoddy office chair nor caused by my cubicle neighbor twitching their leg. Supposedly that brief, ethereal feeling was the long distance effect of a moderately strong earthquake in Virginia. Having now gone through my first earthquake, I'd have to say the experience was pretty underwhelming. I probably would not have noticed anything if it hadn't been for people around the office getting up and a check of my facebook newsfeed revealing multiple updates of simultaneous earthquake speculation among friends. Of course, an earthquake is one of the most devastating of natural disasters (Haiti, Japan, SimCity 2000) and it is pretty insensitive of me to complain about the mildness of my first earthquake experience; but I did still expect something more for my first earthquake.

I especially expected more given the completely disproportionate response my office gave to it. There was a formal announcement of potential evacuation and cancelling the rest of the day which eventually fizzled out (but apparently some buildings in the city actually did empty). For at least a good hour everyone appeared to be too shaken and frazzled to get back to work (hey, can't complain about a free break). I can only imagine all the cynical residents of California, Japan, and other fault lying regions chortling at our relatively gross overreaction to a incident of seismic activity that probably happens to them everyday. They probably look at us the same way we look at people in the South who freak out when a rare inch of snow falls in the region.

The other interesting thing about my light earthquake experience is that when it occurred I had the above "Earthquake Song" by The Little Girls in my head since Sunday, after hearing it on my friend Lisa's mix CD while coming home from a weekend road trip. Suffice to say the earthquake experience has only further entrenched the song into my brain. It's just a delightfully catchy piece of early 80s New Wave quirk. If I ever achieved one of my dream jobs of slightly exploitative pop music svengali I would create a female group based entirely on this sound. It would be cute girls, standard rock band set up (maybe I'll throw in an organ, too); singing cheery, lighthearted songs about dark and often gruesome subject matter. Had this song had not been almost completely forgotten by time it would most definitely be banned on the radio every time a devastating earthquake occurred just as Julie Brown's "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun" would be banned every time there was a school shooting.

Man, 80's kids had problems.

Zoo Knew?

2011-08-06T13:36:00.004-04:00

I was recently sorting through the perpetual flow of Groupon and Living Social promotional deal emails that had accumulated in my inbox over the previous weeks (you buy one pair of discounted movie tickets once and you're marked for life) and amid the 75% off tango lessons, $15 for $30 random restaurant credit offers, and free first months of yoga classes, I was completely shocked to find a discounted offer for a one-year subscription to Zoobooks Magazine.

I had to briefly check my calendar just to make sure that some unseen cosmic force hadn't randomly transported me back to 1993. Sure enough, as it had been for the past eight months, it was still 2011. It was still 2011 where printed media was being assailed on all fronts with the newspaper and magazine industry engaged in a particularly conspicuous slow death spiral. It was still 2011 where every Borders bookstore had just gone completely out of business, while Kindles and other eReaders were entering the mainstream. It was still 2011 where even a young adolescent could have easy access to all the accumulated information of the internet over their smartphone. It was still 2011 and I was staring at an offer for Zoobooks magazine; the educational monthly animal magazine for kids whose commercials looked outdated and lame even to my 9 year old self in 1993.

How could any kid over the age of 5 have any possible interest in a magazine subscription to Zoobooks? Forgetting the fact that it is competing against Xboxes, digital cable TV, Angry Birds, and the internet for their actual attention; even if a kid was way into animals, what could Zoobooks possibly provide, with its thin collection of frozen nature photographs and drawings with captions delivered at the relatively glacial pace of one animal a month, that an interactive website or a DVRed Discovery channel documentary watched on an iPad couldn't? Even back in the 90s when they were more relevant I never knew any kid who actually had a superscription beyond that ubiquitous first free Elephants issue (which I assume is the most printed single magazine issue in the history of publishing). I always figured Zoobooks were almost exclusively subscribed to by pediatricians for their waiting rooms, alongside Highlights (which is also amazingly still in print).

Although writing this little cranky observation about the differences between my adolescent years and how outdated and incongruous an item from that period, like Zoobooks, now appears in the present has made me feel older than I've ever felt, it's still sort of nice to see this ancient creature of the 90s still somehow managing to thrive in this harsh environment of the present. To think that perhaps I may actually be able to give my child the free elephants issue of Zoobooks is a mind blowing but not unagreeable notion. Now if they could only bring back Disney Adventures.

What the Fax?

2011-08-04T06:42:00.011-04:00

I had the superfluous task of sending an "official fax" to my bank earlier this week and, like many modern individuals who don't have easy access to an office fax machine and no longer have landlines in their home, I had to go a nearby copy place and pay the exploitative price of $1.50 a page to use an ancient monolithic fax machine made circa 1992. We just retired the space shuttle and have long since gotten over Joe Piscapo and yet this living fossil from the over three decades ago still somehow remains in our 21st century homes alongside our flat screens and iPads, is a fixture of even the slickest, modern office, is still sold (do companies even bother to make new models anymore?) alongside the latest tech gear at Staples.

Try as we might, it appears that contemporary society still cannot completely obsolete the dusty fax machine. I think it's quite ironic that of all the farout retro visions of 2015 as shown in "Back to the Future II" from hover cars to up to the second weather prediction to $50 bottles of Pepsi, the one thing they may still end up unintentionally getting right will be the continued relevance of fax machines (although they may not be as ubiquitous as to be in every room of the house). So given the seemingly invincible, obsolescence proof, recession proof public need to basic faxing services combined with the sharp decline of people actually having fax machines in their homes, there might be a market for an outlet store whose whole purpose is to provide reasonably priced faxing services (like a laundromat for faxes).

I'll take care of the name if you're willing to provide the capital, time, labor, and is okay with assuming all the risks. Take your choice:

Just The Fax
Reasonable Facsimile
Faxonomy
Faximum Overdrive
Faxination
The Fax Man
F.A.X. (Fax Access eXchange)
Fax In The Box
Fax Solo
Yes We Have Fax Machines Here
The Faxin' Invasion
Death and Faxes
Lord Faxondale's Faxtastic Faxdom
Fax On The Run
Fax City, USA, Population You

Ice To See You

2011-07-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

Today was a welcome relief from the recent stifling heatwave. I even earned the right to complain about the high temperatures after spending all of Saturday grilling alongside the meat at a sweltering backyard BBQ. In my brief time outside today I enjoyed the seemingly forgotten feeling of a cool breeze again and, at the end of the day, gladly welcomed walking back to the car in a thundershower. Ironically, the cooler weather made the building turn down the AC so it actually felt a lot warmer than usual in the office. The day wasn't exactly like the twist in the "Twilight Zone" episode where the earth kept moving closer to the sun until it turned out that it was only a dream and that the earth was actually moving away from the sun so everyone was going to slowly freeze to death; but it was still a notably refreshing change of pace.

So in honor of this terrifically temperate day and in step with maintaining the balance of the universe, given the last heat-centric post, I figured I should blog about something cold; and really what's colder than three random personal thoughts on long time Batman villain "Mr. Freeze" (thought I was going to go with the Snow Miser didn't you? Well here's the song as a consolation prize):

I become quite heavily reliant on AC during the last few days. I spent most of my time as a sort of prisoner to whatever room or building that had a functioning air conditioner. Only under the most necessary of circumstances would I have left the comforts of recirculated air for the baking oven that was the natural world. I suppose this must be a taste of what it's like to be Mr. Freeze. Anytime he walks out of his random freezer hideout or his cold suit springs a leak or he leaves the special cold area of his prison cell, it must be like walking into the worst heatwave imaginable. I can kind of relate to that now, it sort of humanizes the character (definitely a lot more than the whole mourning over his frozen wife stuff. I ain't married).
Speaking of Freeze's trademark handicap, I also came to a realization about Arnold Schwarzenegger's portrayal of Mr. Freeze in the much maligned "Batman & Robin". His character's notorious compulsion to drop a never-ending stream of increasingly ridiculous, groan inducing ice related puns makes a lot more sense if you go into the film with the assumption that, in addition to constant sub-zero temperatures, his unfortunate condition actually forces him to keep spouting cold based one-liners to stay alive. It's like his body cannot stop producing terrible freeze themed jokes and if he doesn't find an outlet for them he'll suffer a stroke or a maybe aneurysm. Why else would he keep saying those lines? It's definitely not to be funny or amusing.
Of course as wacky as the film adaptation of Mr. Freeze was, it was practically cinema verite compared to any of the character's portrayals on the wonderfully campy 1960s "Batman" TV series. The series Mr. Freeze went through three different incarnations featuring three incredibly unlikely guest actors. He was first played by Academy Award winner George Sanders, who instead of using that sophisticated yet sinister Shere Khan/Addison DeWitt voice spoke with a clunky German accent. He was then replaced by acclaimed director Otto Preminger in one of his rare acting roles. This was the Mr. Freeze I always remembered grown up (also it always feels more right for Mr. Freeze to be bald); at least the German accent was more legit this time around. Finally, the third version was played by the immortal Eli Wallach (seriously he's 95 and still actively working) who looked downright pixieish in the role; sort of like an elf who went rogue from Santa's workshop. Really a strange trio and it is fairly debatable who was the best.

So How Hot Is It?

2011-07-22T22:38:00.005-04:00

I don't know about you but it was pretty hot day. I guess the Siberian fans of the blog can't really relate but I'm pretty sure most of the US is currently in the midst of a stifling summer heatwave. From all the comments I read about the high temperatures on the old Facebook wall, it's almost as if we were all suddenly in that episode of the "Twilight Zone" where the earth kept moving closer to the sun and all of society started agonizingly melting apart from the hopelessly extreme heat.

It was indeed a scorcher, probably the hottest day in recent memory. Walking across the scorching black pavement of the parking lot from my car to the office, I felt like a sizzling pat of butter on a large hot skillet. The few times I went out during the day the heat felt like hot sand being thrown in my face. And when I left for the evening it was just as relentless and suffocating as the morning. It was hot.

However as I was driving home, in my comfortably cool air conditioned car I wondered to myself: was it really that hot? I mean between leaving my air conditioned home to commute in my air conditioned car to my air conditioned office and back again, I experienced maybe a grand total of five minutes tops of exposure to uncomfortable temperatures. If anything the prevailing sensation of the day for my was probably chilliness from the over compensating central air in the office. All these record breaking triple digit temperatures and heat indexes might as well have been abstract concepts to me; it could just as well been 150 degrees outside. Thanks to the comforts of modern climate control technology I really had nothing much to complain about, and I suspect more than of few of these people out there complaining were in the same boat.

What's the point of making a big fuss about the weather if it hardly affects you at all? Especially the temperature, which in modern times has been reduced to one of the least relevant parts of the weather. Sure a blizzard could ruin your commute, a shower can cancel a ballgame, a hurricane and obliterate everything dear to you, but what's the temperature really going to do to you if you have basic shelter? Obviously people do freeze to death and die of heatstroke and the homeless are particularly vulnerable in such extreme scenarios. However for those folks who have a heated place to be in the winter and a cool place to be the in the summer and spend most of their time in them, what's their right to complain?

I think there should be a specific time requirements for people to complain about the temperature. One should be personally affected by elements for at least 1 hour before they can make a critique. I spent the great majority of the day in a generally comfortable climate, I have nothing to complain about (I guess except to complain about people who complain about things). The Victor from most of three years of law school who lived in apartments and drove a miserable car without air had every right to sweat and vent during the summer months. The Victor who spent a sweltering June backpacking in Costa Rica and Panama without experiencing a single kiss of reconditioned air could say a few things. But the Victor from today, who consciously wore a long sleeve shirt because he knew he'd be cold in the office has no standing.

So really, hysterical suffering nation of overheated victims; if you spent most of the day just looking a number that said it was 100 degrees outside, you didn't actually suffer and your point will not be noted. Relax, before you know it you'll be complaining about how bitter cold it is and how much you're looking forward to summer soon enough.

Extended Cut

2011-07-11T13:41:00.006-04:00

So it would appear that a while back Youtube extended their video limit to a staggeringly long 10 hours. Upon hearing of this development it didn't take long for the denizens of Youtube nation to respond by posting insane 10 hour versions of already notable Youtube videos. A quick search for "10 hour" videos reveals marathon length editions of viral classics like Trololo, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, and that flying toaster cat thing that all the kids are keen on these days. Actually upon closer inspection almost all of these videos seem to be uploaded by the same insane poster.

While I shudder at the thought of the demented amount of patience and dedication an individual would have to render and upload 10 hour long videos to Youtube (I remember getting frustrated uploading a 2 minute video back in the day; of course that was like 2007, maybe things a lot easier) I sort of dig them; the edited video of Justin Bieber's character getting shot on CSI is down right hypnotic.

My humble request to this dedicated Youtube user or some other benevolent member would be to take the time to put up a continuous 10 hour version of "The 900 Number" by DJ Mark the 45 King aka "The Ed Lover Dance Song" aka the sample from DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat". I could listen to that funky looping sax solo and breakbeat for forever. I don't think I've ever had one sitting of listening to the track where I felt I've heard it long enough; perhaps 10 hours or so of it will finally satisfy my hunger. If anyone ever gets around to doing this I will actually throw a party with "The 900 Number" playing the entire time in the background (that or the Epic Sax Guy). Of course I could just put a mp3 of it on repeat but it's totally not the same as having one dedicated Youtube video going for nearly half a day. Imagine the sense of accomplishment one would get from surviving through that and getting that end screen with all the other video links at its conclusion.

Internet, you have your orders.

Power Rankings!: Bazooka Joe Raps

2011-07-10T13:45:00.003-04:00

Nobody buys Bazooka Joe Gum for the actual gum. It's quite possibly the lowest quality gum available on the market, right below stale gumballs from a machine and Double Bubble. It's like chewing flavored shoe leather and even then the flavor doesn't last more than a minute. No, the only reason anyone would ever willingly purchase Bazooka Joe Gum is because of the sweet comics that accompany it. For over 50 years humorous little vignettes, plus jokey fortune readings, starring everyone's favorite one eyed (I always wondered how he ended up losing an eye at such a young age), blue baseball cap wearing teen protagonist and his ever changing gang of oddball characters have rewarded those willing to purchase a piece.

The success and longevity of the Bazooka Joe comics can be attributed to its many changes over the years to keep up with emerging trends. Through the decades, Bazooka Joe and crew have demonstrated a Madonna-like ability to constantly reinvent themselves; from evolving drawing styles, tweaking fashions, shamelessly co-oping fads, to straight up replacing members of the gang. Sure the eyepatch and cap remained but the modern day Bazooka Joe is a far cry from the moon faced youth of the 50s.

As someone who came of age in the 90s, it's that 90s era Bazooka Joe gang (actually "gang" was replaced by "and Company" due to negative connotations with all the gang violence going on at the time. Hey this was the same decade the the Bullets become the Wizards.) of Bazooka Joe, Metal Dude, Mort, Zena, and Ursula that I'll always associate the comic with. In addition to the hip new 90s cast, the comic creators also co-opted the emerging new genre of "Rap" music by releasing a set of Bazooka Joe "Raps" comics featuring all of the characters laying down some laughably crude rhymes about themselves and their wild gum fueled times together. Of all the comics I read then, these definitely stand out the most prominently in my mind; I'm afraid to admit I can probably recite a couple of these from memory. So given that I've had about 20 years of reflection and hindsight, here are my definitive Bazooka Joe Raps power rankings:

7. Bazooka Joe (#37)

Bazooka Joe may be "extra cool" and the iconic leader of the gang but his rap skills leave much to be desired. Here he's sort of all over the place. He starts with a possible shout out rap about his loving girlfriend Zena and then suddenly he throws in a line about how he likes to prank on people (and yes he actually used the word "jive") only to end with essentially a promotional message to buy Bazooka Joe gum. I guess since he is the namesake of the product he has to plug whenever he can. Overall, the weakest of the Raps.
Fortune: The fortune was pretty clever. I liked the visual pun of the upside down message; not easy to pull off. Additional points for being a line that could actually be a fortune, some times Bazooka Joe fortunes are merely just punchlines.

6. Bazooka Joe (#15)

The bottom two Raps and they both turn out to be ones by the great Bazooka Joe. While the fact that he is the only character that gets multiple raps does make it more likely that he would be pulling up the rear, it's still a poor showing. Once again, Bazooka is done in by the lack of focus in his lyrics. The image on the left of a football uniform wearing Bazooka with a hockey stick and a basketball is symbolic of his slapdash approach to these Raps (plus, as we all know, the Chicago Bears Shuffling Crew has been the only hip hop artists to successfully merge the disparate elements of sports and rap). I also get the feeling that he's dissing on baseball, since his one positive line about ballplayers is they "pose for cards". Compared to the high praise he heaps on the other 3 sports, it does come off a little insulting. He also once again concludes the Rap with another plug for his gum. Give it a rest, Joe.
Fortune: Some nice word play there. It may be an irreverent pun, but it also has a relevant implied message about the importance of independence and being self reliant.

5. Zena

Our first contribution from a member of Joe's crew. I will give Zena credit, her Raps' themes of gross materialism and conspicuous consumption are a bit ahead of their times for the early 90s. I could totally see Lil' Kim or Nicki Minaj dropping similarly themed lyrics, perhaps with a bit more complexity. Had she stayed on her original topic for the whole rap she would have been ranked higher. However Zena loses significant points for turning her rap into a declaration of love her for beau Bazooka Joe. You can't talk about how bad you are and how much you drop at the mall and then say how all those things are secondary to your love of Bazooka Joe.
Fortune: This one sounds like a real fortune that you'd get from a fortune cookie or wherever. The humor element is a bit too subtle for what I expect from a Bazooka Joe comic. The best ones are groan inducing and read like they need to end with a rim shot. It's still good advice I suppose.

4. Bazooka Joe (#23)

Bazooka Joe comes back for his third and final appearance on the rankings. It's not that much of a leap forward from the previous two Raps but I do like how it gives a nice overview of the entire gang. Metal Dude may be a wild man but I don't know how well he'll take being labeled a "maniac". As for his view of Ursula, nobody wants to brag about a new pair of sweatpants. Really this should have been the first Bazooka Joe Rap in the series but going by comic numbers it's apparently the fourth. While the rhymes are lacking I do have to admit it's quite impressive how he can spit them out while blowing a gigantic bubble gum bubble. Of course no Bazooka Joe helmed rap can be complete without another aggressive push for the gum.
Fortune: This one is even more a straightforward fortune than Zena's. I can't really find the joke here. Nevertheless it's a good message about living for today and making every moment count. You won't get that from a pack of Chiclets.

3. Ursula

If I were the sort of person to rely on broad generalizations and unfair stereotypes I may have assumed that Ursula, being the only black member of the group, would have been the odds on favorite to top the Power Rankings. Fortunately I don't see color and it's not the case here. Overall Ursula's risque gym room rap is commendable and does come up in the top half of the the rankings. I find Ursula's steamy rhymes about looking hot in tights, checking out the sights, compromising workout positions, and making many "friends" at the gym to be the perfect compliment to Zena's previous rap about her obsession with shopping and her envious high end lifestyle. Put those two together and you get the ultimate empowered female rapper. This Rap also looks like the comic version of Oliva Newton-John's music video for "Physical" with its mix of sexy exercise chic and rampant homoeroticism.
Fortune: Now this is an example of a classic Bazooka Joe fortune. It starts off with a well known saying and then flips it at the end with a cheesy one liner. The fact that the joke is about jokes itself, just makes it all the better.

2. Metal Dude

Metal Dude's Rap is quite an important and pioneering track. Instead of insulating himself in his familiar genre of heavy metal rock, he took the impressively progressive step of incorporating his metal with the emerging rap sound. As far as I'm concerned, Metal Dude's Rap is right up there with Anthrax and Public Enemy's "Bring the Noise" as critical landmarks of 90s rap metal. You also get to see a rare vulnerable side to the usually wild and outrageous Metal Dude when he talks about his admiration and loyalty to his friend and shockingly admits his long held secret that he is actually deaf. Heavy stuff, dude.
Fortune: This is one of those fortunes you get from a cookie where instead of predicting anything it just gives you a random observation about yourself. It still has a bit of the classic Bazooka Joe cheekiness to it.

1. Mort

Full disclosure, I admit that there is a little bit of personal bias here. Mort was always my favorite Bazooka Joe character and the Mort Rap comic is by far the Rap I received the most growing up. I'll probably be able to recite it until the day I die. That being said, I also remember it so well because it's a pretty decent rap. It stays true to the Mort character (gifted in the sciences while lacking even the most basic of social skills) and the lyrics don't sound as arbitratry or forced. Anyone else always suspected that Mort's unseen lower face was horrifically scarred, possibly from an unfortunate lab accident?
Fortune: A solid Bazooka Joe fortune pun, having fun with another tired old saying. Compared to a lot of the other fortunes, however, that preach seizing the day and being self sufficient, letting nature takes its course and hoping for the best seems somewhat incongruous.

Finally, I would like to give a hearty shout out to The Bazooka Joe Page at Caltech, clearly a holdover website from the early days of the internet when only members of large research universities had the technology and the time to create websites devoted to trivial pop culture minutiae, which featured quality scans of all 90's era Bazooka Joe comics.

An Alternative Approach

2011-07-07T17:19:00.004-04:00

About a week and a half ago I gave my armchair adman commentary on a recent TV campaign featuring Nutrigrain Bars; praising how, through subtle editing, its creators cleverly managed to tie a product of questionable nutrition and wholesomeness with an effective message of all purpose wellness and self improvement. I thought it was a pretty nifty bit of soft selling.

In STARK contrast to those ads, here is a previous Nutrigrain Bar spot from around five years ago I found that also promises similar themes of great self improvement using what I can be considered an alternative approach:

From what the ad indicates, it would appear that Kelloggs was experimenting with a new line of Nutrigrain Bars containing significant doses of PCP in the mid oughts. While the current spots says choosing to eat a Nutrigrain Bar will bring you happiness and self improvement by leading you to make other modest but effective positive lifestyle choices, this ad seems to say that eating a Nutrigrain Bar will bring you happiness and self improvement through reckless and insane decisions and actions. What I don't understand is why is everyone else also insane? The main character is the only one who actually ate the laced Nutrigrain Bar. Shouldn't they all dismiss his wild eyed, hyper intense behavior? Maybe that's just how powerful these new bars were, they would give you the power (in addition to invulnerability from physical attacks) to get everyone on your side (whether it be quitting your job or having hundreds of babies), no matter how ludicrous your proposition was, through sheer force of will.

Now is this a "good" advertisement. Well, people remember it and I'm writing about it for free aren't I? Did it move Nutrigrain Bars? I'm not sure. I suspect that this ad might not even have aired publicly. It's all part of that age old advertising debate of whether the quality of an advert is judged solely on it's effectiveness in the market place or is there an inherent creative, cultural value regardless of sales? Ideally it should be both but more often it's one or another. As for me I don't know, I just liked the ad (Nutrigrain Bars still sorta suck though).

Also, did you notice the protagonist's friend Larry was handling woman's lingerie right before he burst into his office to tell him he was quitting? I must have seen video like five times before I spotted that. Not sure how that contributes to the story.

Double Vision

2011-06-26T22:22:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while I will come across an advertisement or campaign that will really catch the eye of the former communications student/aspiring copywriter in me and make me say "wow, that was pretty good". With that being said I find the two recent television spots for Kellogg's Nutrigrain Bars to be subtly brilliant.

The two spots have been running for at least a couple of years, but there's really nothing flashy or buzzworthy, or even outwardly memorable about them. They don't have any gimmicks or jokes and their biggest visual firework is a simple split screen (cutting edge!). Ostensibly the story is about as straightforward as they come, in both commercials you have the unhappy woman on the left who didn't start their day with a Nutrigrain Bar and the happy woman on the right who made the great decision to start their day with a Nutrigrain Bar. Message to viewer: eat Nutrigrain Bars to be happy.

Reading a little deeper into the commercials though, it's impressive how subtly the advertisers put forth what is really quite a powerful message.

First and foremost, the commercial never explicitly states that Nutrigrain Bars are really any good for you; and as someone who ate his fair share of Nutrigrain bars in high school, it's sort of true. On the whole they're just slightly better for you than eating a candy bar. In both ads the first and only time you see the bars is when they are compared with blatantly unhealthy food. A Nutrigrain bar is not the best thing you can have for breakfast but it is certainly better than a chocolate frosted doughnut with sprinkles or a monstrous pastry the size of your head. That's the only thing the commercials can say about the actual nutritional merits of their product, all the other scenes simply show the general benefits of healthy life choices (taking the stairs, opting for fruit, drinking more water) completely unrelated to Nutrigrain bars.

The commercials manage the clever trick of associating the simple act of eating a Nutrigrain bar in the morning to living a better, happier life and simultaneously shows the quiet sadness and misery that comes with not starting your day with one. They deftly manufacture this fairly impossible correlation between eating these marginally not unhealthy bars and achieving almost every general healthy lifestyle goal. In reality, if starting your day off with a Nutrigrain bar would cause you to make so many healthy choices in your life, you would end up replacing the Nutrigrain bar the next day with oatmeal and fruit. The ads may appear to be geared primarily towards woman, but it has a general appeal that taps into everyone's inherent desire for self improvement, to better oneself whether it be to lose weight, to get a better job, spend more time with loved ones, read more, to live a better life.

It's the subtlety of the two simultaneous scenes that really drives home the message. While they are in sharp contrast to each other neither of them are extreme scenarios. This is far more effective than the hard sell of an infomercial where they give you a totally unrelatable scene of a monochromatic hell of laughably exaggerated horrors where even the simplest of tasks is a surreal ordeal and then show you how unbelievably happy your entire life would be after this one peeve is eliminated. In these commercials there is no exaggeration of the happy or sad lives. One side isn't losing a foot to diabetes while the other side is winning a triathlon. One just has a little bit more pep, a few more smiles, and bit more energy than the other which makes both scenes utterly relatable which makes it far more affecting on a personal level. We can see ourselves in both windows. We've all had days or moments where we felt like we were trapped in the unhappy left side of the screen and that a ticket to the happier more productive right side was just an adjustment or a routine change (or in this case a purchase) away.

This is the all powerful message of improvement that every ad for a consumer product is trying to get through to the viewer; your life will be better for buying this good. With just a simple concept and some effective editing, Nutrigrain bars has managed to associate their product with a universally desired picture of health and happiness while never explicitly saying their product is even all that healthy. Pretty good.

It's Like...

2011-06-11T19:36:00.006-04:00

Recently I've developed a mild fascination with the above frequently run commercial for Dunkin' Donuts' new Frozen Hot Chocolate drink. For such a brief 15 second spot for a product that would appear to be essentially dressed up chocolate milk (isn't that what a "frozen hot chocolate" really is?) this shouldn't be taking up so much of my attention, that is any of it.

Maybe it's just me but the more I watch it the more I'm convinced that the white man and woman on the other side of the table are totally high (I do often tend to jump to conclusions about characters' drug use). Right off the bat you have poor man's Lizzy Caplan way too emphatically describing her drink as an "iceberg volcano" while even poorer man's Ryan Gosling quickly interjects with equally unnatural zeal that it's like "lightning in a snowball". When the afroed straight man dryly tells them that it's like Frozen Hot Chocolate they bust out into a completely genuine and un-ironic expression of wide eyed amazement (If someone could go ahead and make me an animated gif of that brief scene, it would be much appreciated) at his normal observation . Our big haired protagonist reacts to all this with a look of perplexed disgusted as if he's asking himself "why am I hanging out with these ridiculous degenerates?" Even the final tagline for the commercial "It's like Frozen Hot Chocolate" sounds like it was written by someone totally baked.

I do feel a bit sorry for the main protagonist. When he's not wasting his weekends with these goobers, as seen in this recent Zyrtec ad he gets plenty more of this idiosyncratic nonsense at work (also what happens when you mix juice and Allegra, does it turn into mustard gas or something?). So it would appear that he is forever doomed to hang out in parks as the black third wheel to a quirky white couple.

Bear-ly News

2011-06-09T22:55:00.004-04:00

I noticed that the most popular story in Yahoo! News today was the the following Reuters article with the attention grabbing headline: "Flying Bear Kills Two Canadians in Freak Accident"

Now I don't want to make light of a tragic car accident that leaves two people dead, but I expected a far more interesting story if it was going to lead with such a sensational headline. I mean essentially the car hit a bear while traveling at a high rate of speed. It's obviously an appallingly unlucky break for such a collision to lead to fatalities and the unusual manner in which the bear's body ended up entering and exiting the car could be considered freakish in its uniqueness but to categorize the bear as a "flying bear" is just irresponsible journalism.

Many animals involved in a drive by collision are technically "flying" for varying periods of time. If I hit a deer or a moose or a possum at the right angle, I can claim to have been accosted by a "flying" variant of that species. If I pulled a hit and run on a drifter "I Know What You Did Last Summer"-style, would that be considered the vehicular manslaughter of a special flying man? The next time I see a headline about a bear that slips the surly bonds of Earth it better have been piloting a Piper Cub or was accidentally shot out of a cannon in a terrible circus mishap, or was the first of a new and terrifying breed of winged ursine.

The Foot Fist Way

2011-06-09T15:32:00.008-04:00

The main subject of this post may be a little belated, but i figured better a late post than no post at all.

For those who haven't been aware already, last Sunday June 5th marked the twelfth anniversary of the infamous on-field fight between Chan Ho Park and Tim Belcher where Park unexpectedly attempted to jump kick Belcher in the midsection. Sure it's at best a minor footnote in modern MLB history, and probably even a footnote in modern MLB on-field brawling history (its obscurity was quite apparent when I could only find one mildly racist clip of the fight in a foreign language on some random website); but it will always have a special place in my memories of Chan Ho Park.

The current MLB baseball season is the first since I started following baseball around 1994, coincidentally Park's rookie year, that he isn't in the majors. As the first South Korean player in major league history, for years Chan Ho Park was South Korean baseball and as a fellow Korean and long time fan, I have thoroughly enjoyed rooting for him and watching his funky pioneering seventeen season journey through the big leagues from the good (his successful early years with the Dodgers, 2001 All Star Selection, becoming the winningest Asian pitcher in MLB history) to the bad (his bust Texas Ranger years, giving up 2 grand slams to Fernando Tatis in the same inning, seeing him in that Phillies uniform) and everything in between.

I think the fight falls somewhere in the "in between" category. As supposedly bad-ass as jump kicking someone in a on field fight sounds and the impressive look of the still frames; as the video shows he was sort of sloppy kicking while running away and it really didn't connect too well (it definitely wasn't Liu Kang's bicycle kick). As one would suspect with a fight between two pitchers, the whole affair was brief and mildly lame with Park at best claiming a tie with Belcher. Still, when I first heard about it and saw it, I couldn't deny a slight bit of pride at the whole thing. Sure it reinforced stereotypes about Asians, but I totally dug the fact that it was the lone Korean player that was breaking out the jump kick on Tim Belcher (who looked like a bit like a cracker and allegedly incited Park with racist comments), straight representing on Sports Center.

Tune in next April when the Chan Ho Park nostalgia tour will cover the two year anniversary of his overly frank explanation of his 2010 opening day pitching problems.

Victor's Ultimate Birthday "Meh"-ga Mix '11

2011-06-02T12:56:00.004-04:00

I hope everyone out there enjoyed or is still enjoying all the standout tracks of my personal best of birthday mixes compilation from yesterday. For me it was as fun to list as it was to listen. However, it is an undeniable truth that a standout track cannot exist without other lesser tracks for it to stand in front of. While I, for one, will be the first to admit that almost every time I make a mix I can't help but think that it's my most greatest mix yet with every song a home run (now this may be the case, I have only received limited feedback about my mixes over the years), such masterpieces are extremely rare if even existent. So, in the spirit of equal time and comprehensive coverage that have always defined this blog (that and my mild obsession with making 8track mixes right now) I've decided to compile a smaller 10 track supplemental mix comprised of what I consider the 2 weakest tracks off of my 5 birthday mix CDs.

I just want to preface that none of these selected tracks were objectively terrible. I didn't go through any deep critical analysis or anything, just personal first blush impressions; songs I recalled just not having positive reactions to (actually if you want to get all deep about it, maybe the weakest songs should be the enjoyable middle of the curve songs that are neither memorably positive or memorably negative). Also, note that since I was working with a 2 song quota for each mix, even an absolutely flawless mix would have had to give up 2, or if one is viewing it the other way, even the worse mix only had to give up 2 (I'm not going to say whether either was the case). Finally for the mix authors and for folks who may want to make mixes for me in the future, these selections should have no influence on future mixes you make for me. If I singled out a certain artist, or genre, or sound, etc. do not hesitate to put that same artist, genre, sound, etc. on a mix in the future. Mix free and unfettered, I would rather be challenged than pandered to...well maybe a little pandering is nice (however if you're going to put on any song over 6 minutes, you better be confident in it, I do acknowledge a slight bias against them):

Victor's Ultimate Birthday Mega Mix '11

2011-06-01T13:09:00.005-04:00

I just want to start off with a grand formal final thank you to everyone who acknowledged my birthday last month from those who actually brought me gifts or hung around with me until the wee hours at the bar to those Facebook friends who I have never met nor talked to but still manage to post a birthday greeting on my wall every year like clockwork and everyone in between (don't think I didn't forget you, automatic emails from internet sites I've registered with). If I had to spend a whole day being reminded of the depressing, immutable truth of my mortality I guess there were worse ways to have spent it.

One of the most notable things about this year's birthday was the unexpected motherlode of birthday mix CDs I received. In my largest haul yet, I got five fully loaded CD-Rs comprising of over 120 songs and individual artists (although there were two Ash songs, the only repeat artist throughout). Fortunately I had just recently started a job that involved about a one hour driving commute (personally, I believe driving on a highway is the single most ideal position for listening to music) round trip so it all oddly serendipitous. So after finally making my way through all the CDs, getting around to uploading them, and giving them a week or two of perspective I decided to make a 20 track compilation mix of my own to share with everyone featuring my top 4 selections from the 5 mixes.

Now these are by no means the most definitive of rankings. All of this is basically based on first impressions and maybe further listens down the line my tastes will change. However until then, just in time for summer, it's Victor's Ultimate Birthday Mega Mix '11 (a note on ordering: I tried to stay true to the original track orderings of the mixes; surprisingly there were only a few overlaps):

Now while you're enjoying the sweet tunes good reader ponder a question that I as a long time mix enthusiast have often pondered while listening to and making mixes: who is the mix reflecting? If you're making a mix for someone is it a reflection of yourself, the mix maker, with your tastes, personality, and preferences being represented in the music and arrangement that the listener is interpreting? Or is the individual receiving the mix finding something out about themselves from listening to a mix made specifically for them? Or is the mix you are making a reflection of what you think the mix listener's reflection of you is? This line of thinking can basically go on forever like one of those infinite recursion effects. I think the answer (as with all such questions with unsatisfying answers) lies somewhere in between. It's one of the enduring charms of the mix, both sides are getting perspectives on each other by uniquely interpreting the same list of songs (at least with a well crafted mix that someone actually put the work into, if you're going to dump 20 random songs together without any context or meaning you might as well be a psychopath mimicking human emotions and empathy).

Picture This!

2011-05-25T22:28:00.006-04:00

Just a warning, this may be my most obscure edition of "Picture This!" yet. So, the other night I was hanging out at my friend Matt's house. At one point the topic of discussion turned to vintage shareware games from the 90's and eventually we started looking up videos of them on youtube (well, how did you spend your Tuesday night, big shot?). I found it beyond disturbing that there was space in my brain devoted to remembering and quickly recalling the handful of times I played a profoundly shitty game like "Nitemare 3D" or the hyper esoteric "Heavy Water Jogger" on some cheap 1,001 shareware game CD in 1994 (yet after a week I still cannot retain the name of the guy in the cubicle next to me...priorities I suppose).

While a majority of the games I recalled had more nostalgia value than play value, there were still a few quality games that I remembered based on merit (motherfuckin' "Raptor: Call of the Shadows" represent). One standout game for the period was the vastly underrated 2D platformer "Bio Menace". It was basically a more adult knockoff of the classic "Commander Keen" games, but whole presentation was solid and game play was surprisingly fun if not wholly original.

I also noticed that the protagonist, the derivatively named, Snake Logan (he's the guy on the right if you're not sure) appeared to be the digitized doppelganger of....

The late great WWE wrestling legend, "Ravishing" Rick Rude (of course if it really was based on Rick Rude the programmers wouldn't have denied the ladies the "Sexiest Man Alive" by hiding that bod under a green shirt)

I know, another old school wrestling reference. With the recent passing of the Macho Man, I guess I've just been an old school wrestling sort of mind. Also I wanted to note that while looking for a suitable picture of the Ravishing one, I came across this sweet Rick Rude t-shirt (only 11 more months until my birthday!). Since I was completely surprised last week when somebody actually gave me the custom made Arnold Shirt that I flippantly mentioned as a possible birthday gift (a million thanks again, Desi!), I've come to the conclusion that the internet is a random wish granting machine and that I should be constantly making requests on it.

Feel the Sadness...Oh Yeah!

2011-05-20T13:59:00.008-04:00

It's an unyielding, universal truth that many of us often times have great difficulty remembering: there are no guaranteed tomorrows. In our bounded rationality we just assume that at least more new day waits for us all. Every so often though we are given a sobering reminder at just how tenuous and illusory life can be. When I heard the news over the phone from a friend that "Macho Man" Randy Savage had suddenly died in a car accident, I never would have expected that my post about him from Tuesday to be a sad preemptive eulogy for him Friday (and if it turned out that heart attack was due to damage from years of cocaine abuses, it will just get beyond eerie). With this depressing news and the end of the world scheduled for tomorrow, this is all just turning out to be the worst day.

Well, what else can I say about the Macho Man that I haven't already said. He was endlessly entertaining, charismatic, larger than life, an excellent wrestler (something Hogan can never claim), and the true definition of an iconoclast. In short he was an absolute legend that, as it sadly seems to be the case with a disturbing amount of former members of this rough business, left as far too soon. If I actually recognized the WWE Hall of Fame as a legitimate institution I would consider the fact that the Macho Man never lived to see himself be enshrined to be a complete and utter travesty (I mean really, what's Pete Rose and William "Refrigerator" Perry doing in there? You know they just inducted Drew Carey this year? Seriously!). In reality though the Macho Man doesn't need that empty title to prove he was an all time great. Anyone who ever saw his historic match with Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III, or cheered as he carried Miss Elizabeth off on his shoulders after a victory, or was enthralled by one of his out of his mind promos, or lost their shit when he teamed up Hulk to form the Mega Powers, or listened to his ringside commentaries with JR, or was even inspired to snap into a Slim Jim from his ads, knew his greatness.

I don't know what everyone else is doing, but tonight I think I'm going to have a myself a few drinks in his honor, maybe get myself a twin pack of Slim Jims and see if the bartender will play anything from "Be A Man".

Now That's What I Call Armageddon! Vol. 1

2011-05-19T14:23:00.007-04:00

If you haven't heard already, apparently the world is going to end Saturday. I guess that's kind of a bummer (this is really going to bite into the opening weekend box office numbers for the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie). All things considered though, there are some positives to take away from this: I won't have to pay off the rest of my student loans, no more worrying about the world ending on 2012, and "Chuck" will finally be put off the air. Also, I think it's a bit comforting to know that everyone would be going at the same time. For people who fear dying alone, this is really a best case scenario.

Of course there are a few skeptics out there who suspect that there might be a slight chance Mr. Camping's Biblical number crunching may not be adding up to the end of days. It would appear that some of them are even planning end of the world events of their own; although I do think that exploiting the minority view of one small group to mock organized religion as a whole is as obnoxious as those people who go out of their way to celebrate anti-Valentines Day. Either way it looks like there will be some serious partying on both sides of the fence and things are shaping up to be an interesting weekend.

Regardless of where you think you'll end up on Sunday morning, I think we call all agree that this is a good time for a sweet themed mix. Here are my top ten end of the world themed tracks (specifically no R.E.M., too obvious) plus a special bonus track if you make it to the end (assuming 8 tracks didn't screw up my ordering) for your weekend playlist, guaranteed to keep you in rapture:

Feel The Madness...Oh Yeah!

2011-05-17T17:33:00.008-04:00

"Macho Man" Randy Savage has got to be the most unique and idiosyncratic character in the history of professional wresting. There's really no one else like him and he defies all attempts at labeling or categorization. In a "sport" where everybody is identified by a preconceived gimmick, one has a difficult time trying to figure out what exactly the Macho Man was all about. He gave insane, borderline incoherent interviews in that distinct, raspy, screaming voice. He was a writhing muscular mass of bizarre ticks and personal mannerisms, all clad in an ever changing, endless wardrobe of hyper-flamboyant ring costumes that were somewhere between a neon cowboy, rejected member of Parliament Funkadelic, and an 80s hair metal front man (then there was his "Macho King" era where he added a crown and scepter). He casually walked the line between despised heel and heroic face, never really settling himself as either. Even his ring music "Pomp and Circumstance" seemed completely incongruous but still felt oddly appropriate.

So if you had to get down to it, what really was the Macho Man? Given all I've seen, I think the Macho Man's gimmick seemed to be just well...being the Macho Man, which encompassed everything above and then some; a singularly wonderful entity that was extremely fun and entertaining to watch in and out of the ring.

However if you don't find that characterization to be all that satisfying, the gimmick of the Macho Man also starts to make a lot more sense under another theory: that his character is someone with an out of control cocaine problem.

Reading the Macho Man as a degenerate coke fiend gives a lot of interesting context to his behavior: the alertness, feelings of well-being and euphoria, boundless energy, exaggerated self confidence, and the enhanced athletic performance. You also have the anxiety, unpredictable behavior, wild mood swings, restlessness, excessive sweating, and tremors. I'm not an addictions counselor but just viewing a small sampling of his many manic interviews and intense promos on youtube (not to mention his Slim Jim commercial canon), I would be more inclined to say that this man at the very least may not be in the right frame of mind. In addition there are also straight up clips of the Macho Man on youtube unambiguously titled "macho man on coke" ("180 DEGREES! THEN ANOTHER 360!") and "macho man randy savage on cocaine" ("CUP OF COFFEE IN THE BIG TIME, YEAH!"). Coincidence?

Now I'm not saying that Randy Savage had a problem with cocaine (although with basically any wrestler coming out of the 80s the odds are high), but that he may have played a character whose implied gimmick may have been a guy who did a lot of coke (which if you think about it would probably make him more representative of the 1980s than even the Million Dollar Man). I personally, am not taking the cynical route, and believe it's just Macho being Macho. However I'm just saying some things make a lot more sense if you see if read between the white lines.

Brand New Brand New Key

2011-05-14T13:08:00.005-04:00

The other day I found myself listening to "Brand New Key" by Melanie in the car. While Melanie's quirky, novelty number one hit has managed to endure in the pop consciousness for the four decades since its release, from "Boogie Nights" (oh Heather Graham how you still roller skate around in my dreams) to that recent HP commercial with the baby on the highway, it became quite apparent while listening that the overall roller skate/roller skate key analogy behind the song had become completely outdated. The overall theme of a girl trying to attract the attention of a boy is timeless and the cheeky sexual innuendo of finding a key for her lock, was controversial and subtly progressive then and is just as relevant now, but I figured there had to be a better way to convey that without using roller skates as the example.

Even for a roller skating reference it is woefully ancient. Assuming there are kids out there still riding roller skates (and judging by the diminishing number of skating rinks across the country I assume there aren't too many who still do), they would probably be using roller blades (or maybe those stupid Heelys that were kind of popular a few years ago) over the old quad variety. Even if there are some anachronistic kids out there somewhere with the old quad skates, they would have to be using quad skates that are so outmoded that they still required skate keys. To this day I have never seen such skates and am still not quite sure why roller skates would even require keys when you can just put them on like regular shoes or even ice skates. The entire sum of my knowledge of roller skates with keys consists of, aside from "Brand New Key", an old episode of "Muppet Babies" where Fozzie loses his skate key and the whole gang goes on an adventure to find it.

Given how antiquated the analogy was, I tried to think of a more updated comparison. In being faithful to the original song it had to relate to a seemingly innocent children's toy or activity but could possibly also be construed to be about sex. This actually proved to be far more difficult then I had originally imagined. In fact, I couldn't even think of a single good relevant replacement. I've got a brand new...pack of Silly Bandz? Bakugan figurine? Nintendo 3DS game? Maybe something about getting new smartphones so they can sext each other? There really weren't any better options (although if they did a reboot of the song in the 90's I think it should be about POGs and slammers).

So I guess the lesson here may be not to mess with a classic. Any better suggestions out there?

The Discreet Charm of Jason Bourgeois

2011-05-08T22:54:00.005-04:00

Part II of my continuing season long series spotlighting speedy, yet marginal, replacement National League outfielders that I acquired off the waiver wire for my injury consumed, offensively challenged, fantasy baseball team shines the spotlight today on Houston Astros OF Jason Bourgeois.

Since picking him up off the waiver wire last week, Bourgeois has, in his past seven starts, hit a blistering 14 of 27 and stole seven bases. As it stands he is currently hitting .407 and is tied for second in the majors (behind teammate Michael Bourn) in steals with 12 despite his limited appearances. Suffice to say the batting average boost and the infusion of hot, cheap, speed has been most appreciated.

If Bourgeois can maintain a decent fraction of his currently unsustainable hitting and continue to rack up the steals, the lowly Astros will at least have an impressive one-two top of the order with the speedy duo of Bourn and Bourgeois. I also faintly hope that if Bourgeois continues his hot play he will not only help my team but become enough of a fan favorite in Houston that a ramdom motivated Astros fan/foreign film enthusiast will create some variation of a poster referencing Luis Buñuel's 1972 Best Foreign Language Oscar winning film "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie". While there is obviously no connection between the journeyman outfielder and this classic French surrealist film and admittedly the tenses don't even match up; when will one ever have another opportunity like this to make such an esoteric reference in connection with a baseball player? Given the odds, I think you have to strike at the first chance.

A crude artist's rendering

*Update: In news that should be of absolutely no surprise to me I just found out that Bourgeois has been placed on the DL with a strained left oblique and appears likely to be out for the rest of the month. However, I also learned that Roger "The Shark" Bernadina has just recently been brought back up by the Nationals to replace the injured Rick Ankiel, proving the old adage that when God injures a light hitting outfielder he brings up another one.

Power Rankings!: Twilight Zone Episodes Featuring Star Trek Actors

2011-05-03T16:53:00.016-04:00

I believe I've made it pretty clear over the years that I am a huge"Twilight Zone" fan. Aside from the writing, acting, filmmaking, etc. one of the great supplemental joys of watching the show is all the interesting guest stars you get to see. Since the show was a strict anthology series with every episode featuring a completely different story and set of characters, the large list of actors who found themselves in the zone range from young future icons (Robert Redford, Carol Burnett, Burt Reynolds), old Hollywood stars (Buster Keaton, Joseph Schildkraut), BURGESS MOTHER FUCKING MEREDITH, and every quality contemporary character actor in-between.

Of the varied group of actors to have appeared on the show I've always found it interesting to see future main cast members of another highly influential 1960's science fiction series, "Star Trek", finding themselves crossing over into the Twilight Zone. While Shatner's two appearances on the show are by far the most well known, future Enterprise crew members Leonard Nimoy, George Takei, and James Doohan have been part of some (mostly) choice episodes. How would I rank all five of these episodes based on my personal opinion as a fan?

Well, I'm glad you asked:

5. "A Quality of Mercy"

I said that not all the Star Trek cast featuring episodes would be home runs and this is one is the unfortunate odd man out. The story takes place during the waining days of World War II in the Pacific where a platoon of war weary American soldiers are laying siege to a cave of starved Japanese soldiers. The hawkish, newly promoted, asshole Lieutenant (played by Dean Stockwell) wants to show no mercy to the enemy and orders a full assault on the cave much to the anger of the platoon. Before the assault is carried out, the Lieutenant suddenly finds himself as a Japanese soldier in 1942 in an exact reverse of the previous situation (OMG!), laying siege to a cave of starving Americans, which gives him a new perspective.

The whole thing comes off about as simplistic and preachy as it sounds. The performances and production are still pretty good (although the "Japanese" makeup job on Stockwell is pretty flimsy) but there are no real surprises here. As for Leonard Nimoy, he's in it for like 30 seconds as one of the American soldiers and has about one line of dialog; also quite weak. Additionally, aside from being an average episode at best, it's also indirectly responsible for the deaths of Vic Morrow and two child actors since they were killed filming a remake of the episode for the ill-fated "Twilight Zone: The Movie" in 1983.

4. "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet"

I already gave my two cents on this classic "Twilight Zone" episode in a blog post few years ago.

"What more can I say about this episode that most already don't know. If you somehow have no idea what this episode is about, by all means watch it before someone ruins the entire story for you. A sharp looking William Shatner plays the mentally fragile airplane passenger desperately trying to stop a mysterious monster from downing the plane while struggling to find someone who believes him. This episode might be better known to you many as that Simpson's Treehouse of Horror segment "Terror at 5 1/2 Feet". While it has lost some of its power, the tense, claustrophobic directing of a young Richard Donner and Shatner's going mental performance still make it a keeper."

The Shat may have plenty of criticisms about his idiosyncratic acting style, but he is one of the all time masters of playing crazy.

3. "Valley of the Shadow"

I have also visited the "Valley of the Shadow" in a previous post.

"A young man accidentally stumbles across a town where its inhabitants possess scientific knowledge that is light years headed of our own time. This is one of the few hour long Twilight Zone episodes I like. This is not a real famous episode or anything and the main plot itself is fairly flat, but I just dug the soliloquies the town leaders give about how screwed up modern civilization is. The Twilight Zone was always good at waving its finger at modern times, in an entertaining way."

I didn't bother to mention James Doohan's role in the episode back then because well, I didn't even notice him. He plays some random guy in the town that does some exposition and we never see again. I probably watched this episode three or four times before I even noticed that he was in it. As a fan of mainly the "Star Trek" movies, I've grown up with lovable fat, white haired, mustachioed Scotty as opposed to the younger version.

2. "The Encounter"

The setup of the "The Encounter" involves a bigoted World War II veteran and a young assimilated Japanese-American hired to help him clean his attic finding themselves trapped there by some mysterious force. Forced together in this tense, hot, cramped space surrounded by the veteran's old WWII items (including a samurai sword that he took from a dead solider) the two start to go crazy, not unlike that Simpsons episode where Homer and Mr. Burns got stuck in a mountain cabin, leading to a pretty shocking conclusion.

It would ostensibly appear by the premise that the episode would touch upon similar themes of compassion and empathy as "A Quality of Mercy", but it really gets more interesting and complicated then that. The theme of the episode is really an exploration of guilt and the inability to escape the ghosts of the past, figuratively and (since this is the "Twilight Zone") somewhat literally, with both sides coming off as never completely being good or bad. It's a really well made bottle episode carried by the excellent, increasingly sweaty performances of George Takei and Neville Brand (who was a real life war hero). I can't imagine there were too many opportunities for an Asian actor to have such a featured role on a major prime time program in 1964. In an unfortunately note, it is almost impossible to find this episode rerun on syndication since it has received complaints in the past about the racial epithets and characterizations in the story (sort of like how it's difficult to catch the infamous "Puerto Rican Day" episode of "Seinfeld")

1. "Nick of Time"

"Nick of Time" has slowly grown on my over the years to become one of my all time top 10 episodes. One of the things I like about it, is it's a well known episode but isn't doesn't have quite have the level of fame (and number of parodies) as episodes like "Time Enough At Last" or "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", which kind of makes it feel more "mine" like an great album track from your favorite band. If you don't know, the story is a simple one about a young couple on their honeymoon who stop at a random town dinner while their car is being fixed. The husband eventually discovers that the novelty fortune telling machine at their table can magically answer all their questions (in yes or no, maybe later, 8 ball form). However he becomes obsessed with the machine's ability and finds himself unable to leave the dinner and continue his life without its guidance.

As someone who is always anxious about the future, this show really does hit close to home. It is a timeless, life affirming, message of living for today and not being paralyzed by the future told in the Zone's uniquely dark manner. It also has one of the more surprisingly satisfying and positive (well, sort of positive) endings of the series. As for Shatner, it is similar to his other performance as he is an anxious man that's gradually being driven mad, but this is a more subtle and subdued type of madness for him. I also have to give props to the "mystic seer" machine itself which was a really well designed prop piece and gave off a creeping malevolence that made the story work (and is available as a replica bobblehead on Amazon if anyone is looking for a present for my birthday this weekend).

Love in the Time of Dial-Up

2011-04-30T15:46:00.006-04:00

Some products and their advertising campaigns are so classic and timeless that they remain virtually the same for years even decades. It's quite a remarkable feat for an ad given the ever changing nature of the marketplace and modern society in general with dynamic shifts in technology and popular culture occurring by the second. This particular AT&T ad for their internet services from 1997 is not one of those ads.

In the fourteen or so years since I last saw the commercial, I am quite shocked at how throughly outdated this spot has become in almost every possible way. The internet service that AT&T is primarily advertising is obviously going to come off as outmoded but really it's all the other incidental stuff in the ad that's truly disturbing. This one minute slice of life vignette of the mid-90's comes dangerously close to total irrelevance to younger viewers and in about another decade or so will become just as unrelatable as a black and white commercial for an Edsel or a Victrola. It's a harsh, undeniable indictment of my oldness that's scarier than any horror film.

Here's how it all breaks down:

First off, I think it's utterly fitting and proper that Larisa Oleynik plays the female protagonist of this commercial. Few actresses are as closely associated with the mid to late 90s than Larisa. Her entire career essentially runs from the 1994 to 1998 run of "The Secret World of Alex Mac" to her the reoccurring guest role on "3rd Rock from the Sun" to her grand swan song in 1999's "10 Things I Hate About You". Sure she continues to live and her filmography claims that she has been steadily working all throughout the 00's, but can you really say you've noticed her in anything post-"10 Things"? Also, the boyfriend sort of looks like a poor man's Andrew Keegan, another casualty of the 00's.
Check out out Larisa's vintage period gigantic sweater and jeans ensemble. It looks like she's wearing one of Nicholas Brendon's sweaters from "Buffy". She's practically drowning in wool. A burka would have been more revealing.
With the recent demise of the classic boxy archetypal station wagon, the boyfriend's sweet ride has now become just a relic of a bygone era. Perhaps one day you'll be showing this ad to your children and they'll ask "Mommy/Daddy, what is that weird looking car that's not as big as minivan but bigger than crossover SUV? Is this what life was really like before the war with the machines?"
The towering beige monolith and their accompanying bulky CRT monitors are an obvious and expected antiquity (Larissa's weird trackball mouse has aged particularly poorly). With the recent rise of laptops, tablets, smart phones, etc., it would appear that the desktop PC itself may be joining the station wagon soon enough.
I don't think I need to prove to you that "AT&T WorldNet Service" no longer exists. Also, doesn't it look like they are typing up word documents and emailing them back and forth to each other? These are like the only two suburban teenagers in 1997 without AIM.
I could devote an entire post just on the primative proto-"sexting" scene that goes on between the young couple. From just a sociological angle, it's fascinating how they both go through all the motions one would imagine from a modern day sexting session despite the fact that the picture couldn't be any tamer. There's the not so subtle flirty back and forth, the mischievous, playful look on Larissa's face as she send out her self shot pic, the sudden look of arousal on the part of the boyfriend when he receives it (maybe it's the first time her saw her sans sweater?), and the dude's eventual picture response (although the polite thing to do today would be to send a dick shot). It's like watching old "scandalous" footage of people wearing full suits to the beach.
From a technological angle, obviously the major difference is the lack of cellphones. If there was any modern sexting going on here it would most likely be done via SMS. Larisa's method of taking photos of herself with a Poloraid (which they no longer even make film for anymore) and scanning it to her beau is only slightly ahead of drawing a picture and mailing it. I do have to commend her dude's solid MS Paint skills, it was a pretty smooth cut and paste job given the time crunch.

So there you have it. If anyone asks, that's what life was like in America circa 1997. If it was anymore 1997, the Spice Girls would have shown up at the end carrying matching Tamagotchis. Quite unsettling how much everything changes in less than a decade and a half.

Getting old is the worst.

Jawsome!

2011-04-28T13:41:00.014-04:00

In news that is of absolutely no value or consequence to everybody else, I am delighted to find out that Washington Nationals outfielder Roger "The Shark" Bernadina was called up from Class AAA Syracuse on Tuesday (he even went a meaningless 2 for 2 in last night's loss to the Mets).

As the owner of a fantasy team with an injury ravaged outfield in a sadistically deep NL Only league (to put things in perspective, the feather hitting Will Venable is an important cornerstone of my outfield), I can only hope that this may be the modest first step in him regaining a starting outfield position (which I reasonably assumed he would get at the beginning of the season when I drafted him) so I can reap the rewards of his sweet potential 15-15 while hitting around .250 abilities. The Shark may not quite be a "superstar" or even a "good player" by some metrics and his excellent defense won't translate into any fantasy value, but he is still probably better than Rick Ankiel or even Laynce Nix.

Additionally, there is no other player on the team, not even the $126 million man, Jayson Werth, that has the perplexingly rabid following, the bizarre folk hero status of Sharkadina (proving the old adage that it is always more fun to be a super fan of a marginal player than a star).

*Update: Well, so much for that, Bernadina just got sent back to AAA a few hours after this article was posted. It was a hell of a ride. For now we can only keep on the watch for additional shark sightings in the future. Maybe Matt Stairs will die of old age and clear up a roster spot.

The Royal Wedding Makes Me Wanna Ralph

2011-04-27T14:53:00.005-04:00

I woke up earlier than usual this morning and found myself cycling through all the major networks' prime 7 to 9 am block of morning news shows. Instead of the usual softball interviews with movie stars plugging their new films or tips on how to save at the grocery aisle or cooking segments about guiltless spring cocktails, all the morning shows were completely preoccupied with the shallow and asinine coverage of the upcoming Royal Wedding. The big three networks were even doing live broadcasts from London. I mean, it is still news but a front page story in US Weekly or People Magazine and a week of coverage on Extra and Entertainment Tonight should be enough. It should not be monopolizing all our fluff media outlets. There are too many other stories about dogs driving their owners to the hospital and pieces about celebrity beach bodies that are simply not being reported.

I mean did we lose a war or something? This is America, why should we even care this much (I know Tyler The Creator feels me on this; although to be fair he really doesn't give a shit about anything)? We fought a freakin' Revolutionary War against Prince William's family for crying out loud! As a nation founded on the principles of anti-monarchism it would be more acceptable to me if we devoted this level of attention to a prominent regicide. I imagine the only kinds of US residents that are eager to be up at 4am EST to 1am PST on Friday to watch the wedding live are either a) insane people or b) members of a sleeper cell of Revolutionary War loyalists.

One of the worse parts for me about this royal media frenzy is that despite the over saturation of coverage, not one TV channel has cashed in on this rare opportunity to air the 1991 John Goodman vehicle "King Ralph". As the most prominent mainstream film (aside from "The Queen") about the modern British Royal Family in the last 20 years and one of the most incisive commentaries on the complex historical culture clash between the United States and England, it's the perfect film to capture the zeitgeist of the moment.

If not now then when will the public get another opportunity so apt to watch this film? Its terrible box office history and critical drubbing has shown that it is certainly not meant for casual entertainment or humor. The only other time I can think of where an airing of "King Ralph" would be apropos would be if the entire Royal family perished en mass in some horrifying freak disaster like in the film (how is this movie even seen as a comedy in the UK?), but then you'd probably have some sensitive types claiming that an airing would be inappropriate.

All I'm saying is, the golden "King Ralph" showing window is rapidly closing by the hour. Will no one spare the mere two hours by Friday?

The Numero Uno "Numero Uno" Shirt

2011-04-26T14:45:00.009-04:00

I suppose the following post does contain spoilers for the documentary "Pumping Iron" so look away if you don't want to know about the results of the 1975 Mr. Olympia Bodybuilding Competition or if you haven't gotten around to watching your 36 year old DVR of it. Although can one really spoil a documentary about a public event? I mean the records are right there: the Union wins the Civil War, global warming continues unabated, McDonald's is bad for you. Regardless you have been warned.

I recently got around to watching the influential 1977 bodybuilding documentary (although I actually prefer wikipedia's characterization of it as a docudrama) "Pumping Iron". It was really quite entertaining. The insight into the seemingly alien subculture of competitive bodybuilders was interesting enough but the film's real strength was the deft editing and creative license of the filmmakers to craft compelling narratives between the competitors. This is really crucial for any sort presentation of a competition whether it be "Spellbound" or "American Idol". Some personalities came off as villains, some as heroes and it really raised the tension by the time the final results scenes came around.

Of course the film is most known for really raising the public profile of one Arnold Schwarzenegger (sorry "Hercules in New York") and he is the best part of the film. It's easy to say it now but hearing him talk, watching him train, seeing him play mind games with and completely psyching out his arch rival Lou Ferrigno, you just know that this is a dangerously ambitious individual that can essentially will himself to whatever he wants to achieve. There is a strong parallel to fellow icon Michael Jordan in that, in addition to being supremely talented and skilled and being the greatest at their sport, they are both psychotically competitive assholes. Both appear to have an unhealthy burning desire to win at everything at all costs that sets them apart from the merely great, but also ultimately alienates them from almost everyone as well. These character faults just continue become more fascinatingly pronounced as they age and move farther from their competitive primes. Some indications imply that Jordan has gradually become the NBA's Daniel Plainview while Arnold has been recently profiled as being proud of his achievements but deeply repulsed at his own frailty.

So going back to the movie, it comes as little shock at the end when Arnold defeats the younger and larger but not as mentally tough Ferrigno (whose overbearing stage father/trainer also helps) and captures his then record 6th consecutive Mr. Olympia title and retires as the greatest bodybuilder of all time. He celebrates his victory backstage with his fellow bodybuilders, a meal of fried chicken and cake, and a fat blunt. And as an exclamation point on this grand moment of triumph Arnold is seeing wearing a white ringer tee simply proclaiming "ARNOLD IS NUMERO UNO". It is one of the more famous scenes from the film (that and the scene where he explains how bodybuilding makes him feel like he's constantly "cumming").

As I later discovered to my surprise on the internet, the shirt's fame is apparently so great that an entire website and e-merchant exists that exclusively sells replicas of the "numero uno" shirt (and also making custom "[insert name here] IS NUMERO UNO" shirts). Now I know money is made in the most interesting and esoteric of ways on the internet, but I found this to be even more peculiar than most. I recall buying my replica Nigel Tufnel shirt from "This is Spinal Tap" off the internet but the site also specialized in a whole assortment of retro replica shirts. There are plenty of CafePress style custom stores that sell one off generic replicas of the "numero uno" shirt but this site is really dedicated to crafting as accurate a copy was possible right down to the material. It's really the authority for authentic replica shirts. I can't recall any other business devoted to just one shirt from one scene from one movie.

That being said it is a pretty sweet shirt and, if my thrifty immigrant upbringing did not preclude me from paying more than $15 for a simple t-shirt, I would consider ordering a custom made "VICTOR IS NUMERO UNO" to wear on birthdays, anniversaries, and Mr. Olympia victory parties

I Just Wanna Watch The Girls Goin' By!

2011-04-23T19:41:00.003-04:00

I am aware that the ideal time for a post about Y&T's 1985 music video for "Summertime Girls" would have been, well, in the summer time. However with the clear end of a historically terrible winter season and the, at least sporadic, return of warm weather I felt compelled to jump the gun a little.

Y&T is one of the more hard luck bands of the 80s hair metal genre. They appeared to be as musically talented and wrote songs that were as catchy as any one of their popular contemporaries, but they never quite reached a true breakthrough level of success (not even Great White or Dokken levels). "Summertime Girls" perfectly demonstrates this star crossed lack of karma. The song and accompanying music video, released during a period of mainstream hair metal domination, could have been any more commercial and pop friendly and nailed all the right notes for successful genre hit. The song is a giddy mix of crunching guitars, soaring metal vocals, good time lyrics, and anthemic choruses covered with a delicious layer of synths. As for the music video itself, it crams basically every rock video trope and cliche that the young medium had developed thus far from Huey Lewis style wackiness to Van Halen inspired cheekiness, placed in front of a sunny So Cal beach backdrop with plenty of chicks in bikinis on roller blades. It was pure naked ambition, the act of a band doing everything in their power to get a breakthrough pop hit. It eventually topped out at #55 on the Hot 100, their highest charting single to date.

Although "Summertime Girls" never really got the popularity and lasting recognition that it deserved, I think the least I can do, over 25 years after the fact, on my obscure little internet blog is to give it a proper in-depth "live blog" analysis in all its four minute glory:

0:00: A sly commentary on the widening income gap and general economic disparity under the Reagan administration's social and economic policies. An interesting way to start a music video indeed.

0:07: I think the "No Accordion Solos" sign was the band's attempt at goading Weird Al Yankovic into doing a parody of their song and thus giving them the extra exposure. I would have gone with "Summertime Grills".

0:10: "Heh heh, just like Oscar the Grouch."

0:14: I guess this is a not-so-subtle metaphor about how the band "rocks"? Also, it kind of makes it look like they were either having sex or hotboxing (or doing both) in that mysterious seaside cave.

0:28: Shooter Gavin's friend from "Happy Gilmore" should have the calibration checked on his "heavy metal detector", it seems to be also picking up "radio friendly pop metal" and "hair metal" as well.

0:33: Also, that's not how metal detectors work.

0:45: Ladies and gentlemen, Y&T!

0:54: And here come the babes. Like most fashions from the 80s I find those high V bikini bottoms to be powerfully unsexy despite the fact that they're more revealing than classic bottoms. I'd think'd almost prefer a woman in a one piece over those things.

1:06: Here comes the wacky cast of characters. The lady in the "Choose Me" shirt seems like an obvious reference to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" but is the lifeguard a more obscure reference to Blotto's "I Wanna Be A Lifeguard"?

1:20: Four surly looking leather bound, chain wearing, biker chicks/dominatrices who are quite improperly dressed for the beach; do I sense a romantic story arch?

1:25: A little initial meet-cute action between the leather chicks and the boys. Also notice the incredibly sloppy acting of the out of place fat member of the band (if SNL ever decides to do an esoteric parody of this video you better believe you'll be seeing Bobby Moynihan in that yellow tank top).

1:39: Of course since those leather chicks are so beyond tough they have to set up shop in the junkyard portion of the beach adjacent to the nearby prison. Badasses!

1:45: He looks like he just completed a shift at Hooters.

1:48: In contrast to all those "good girls" who use sun screen and sun block to protect themselves the leather chicks use highly toxic and ultimately ineffective motor oil. Badasses!

1:56: I wonder why they picked the fat guy to be eating from the lady's headdress instead of romancing mermaids or stealing from nerds?

2:00: You've got to get that that band fake playing their instruments shot in somewhere.

2:08: Chicks in bikinis on roller skates with boomboxes, the triple crown of 80s music videos! You can also read the succession of shots of chicks with bigger boom boxes as the band's commentary on the absurdity of the then increasingly dangerous and costly nuclear and military arms race between the US and the Soviet Union.

2:22: Yes, even the leather chicks are getting in on the rolling action. They look like an extremely skanky yet highly successful roller derby team. Badasses!

2:36: "Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year."

3:02: You know what will really impress that girl? If I blew up the game stand with a bazooka. Good thing there's a fully loaded one right here on top of that box of dynamite!

3:05: There's no indication that he actually shot his bazooka round into the clown's mouth, but I'm pretty sure he at least killed the game operator.

3:22: After a long day of fun and excitement at the beach there's nothing like walking off into the golden sunset while being serenaded by Y&T.

3:25: Gina Gershon?

3:29: That was certainly uncalled for. That robot's just being a dick.

3:40: Just when you thought that our lovelorn quartet were just going to sadly return to their cold, lonely garbage cans and abandoned caves, we get the crowd pleasing Hollywood ending with the once cold hearted leather chicks coming over and (instead of murdering them) giving them a rare smile, taking each of them by the hand and romantically walking off into the sunset. Badasses!

Announcement: Side Bloggin' Plug

2011-04-21T13:35:00.007-04:00

Dear reader(s), you may have often wondered while perusing all my updates to this blog: "Gee, that Victor is so boundlessly prolific, maybe he should guest contribute to another blog that's more in need of articles." Well, you poor deluded fool, it looks like Christmas is coming in April this year!

Recently I was conscripted by an old college friend to be a fellow contributor to his latest get rich quick blogging scheme "Nerd Outrage". Despite explaining that I haven't exactly been cranking out the content here at the home office, I was brought on board anyway (if it's to piggyback on my World Series of Pop Culture buzz and fame, he's in for much disappointment). As the site's mission broad statement says, it's generally going to be a forum for opinions and angry dissents about a wide range of topics (we felt the internet hadn't quite reached full snarky blogging saturation yet). While I'm not exactly an "outrage" sort of guy, more of a minor complaint person, I promised to put drop in an article when I can. So I invite you all to check out the blog when you can. The way I figure it since I'm one of five contributors, the frequency would likely be 1/5 of the frequency of the posts I'm putting in here (you might have to break out a calculator if you're going to quantify that small fraction).

As for this side project's affect on the output of "Victor Sells Out", rest easy worried reader, you will get your 4-5 articles a month. This blog has always been and will alway be my main neglected priority.

That's How She Became The Nanny

2011-04-14T18:04:00.007-04:00

Truth be told, I never actually watched a single episode of "The Nanny", the 90's hit sitcom that brought Fran Dresher into the mainstream; I never made it past the opening theme. In retrospect I may have even enjoyed watching it. I do find her idiosyncratic voice and her effervescent, hyper-Queens persona to be oddly and somewhat inexplicably charming. I also remember kinda liking "The Beautician and the Beast" (in an odd and somewhat inexplicable manner) which was essentially the entire premise of the "The Nanny" condensed into one film.

Although my "Nanny" viewing history never made it beyond the introduction, I have to admit it was one of my all time favorite television introduction. It had everything that a classic TV theme song/intro needed: a unique visual style, insidiously catchy music and lyrics, and provided efficient introductory narrative exposition to any new viewer. On that last point, "The Nanny" was a masterpiece of economical exposition it laid out the entire 6 season story arch from her unexpected arrival from Queens to her romance with Mr. Sheffield to her conflicts with C.C. to the relationship with the children in less than a minute. If it was any more effective it would have been written by Sherwood Schwartz.

Given how great the intro was, it should not have been such a surprise to me that many of the foreign adaptations of the show (adapted in no less than 10 different countries! Alas no Trinidadian Nanny though. ) copied much of the same style but with (sometimes) subtle cultural variations. My four favorite adaptations I found on youtube were:

Russian Nanny

It's pretty faithful to the original. They try to keep the same style of music but it definitely loses something in the translation. I noticed that the butler makes the Russian Nanny sign some gigantic novelty sized contract, which I guess is standard for all domestic employees over there. Also who is the weird looking lady taking everyone's picture in the end, the Nanny just got hired and she's already outsourcing responsibilities?

Mexican Nanny

I had a friend growing up who had a Mexican nanny, it was never quite as madcap. It's no surprise that one of our closest neighbors also produces the closest version of the show. I actually dig the Latin flavored variation of the theme music, it changes things up without losing the original catchiness. The only other real difference I noticed was the overly cartoonish sound effects.

Polish Nanny

I am not a fan of the Polish Nanny's music. It has a bizarre late 80's, cheesiness to it that I just couldn't get aboard with (also had a weird Rusted Root-style chanting section at the end). Everything else seems to be pretty similar except for the fact that poor Polish Nanny has to resort to using an outdated, Soviet era, electric trolley car to make that initial trip the the Sheffields'; it's hard to look glamorous in that.

Chilean Nanny

The music remains quite faithful but everything else gets radically altered. The animation style completely changes from the minimalist, abstract caricature version to a more fluid, children's cartoon-like version. Also, Chilean Mr. Sheffield comes across as a bit of a sleaze with his Members Only-style jacket and his unabashed leering at the Nanny. The conflict for the affection of Mr. Sheffield between the Nanny and the kids verses C.C. is way more literally expressed as they actually drive her away from Mr. Sheffield (and into the trash). They are definitely messing with the formula but I sort of like the bold new direction.

Two final observations on the adaptations. First, it seems that every country has their own version of going from Queens to Manhattan, whether it be from one part of Santiago to the other or taking the crosstown tram in Warsaw. This would seem to imply that most big cities have a universal Queens/Manhattan dichotomy, whatever that would mean. Second, I wonder how all these shows deal with the overt East Coast Jewishness of Fran (if you think about it, with the exception of "Seinfeld", Fran Fine was the most prominent Jewish character on TV). Most likely none of the characters in the adaption are Jewish, so I guess they'd have to have to fill that gap with some other character trait (I think the Latin based shows just seem to give her bigger boobs).

Beets Me

2011-04-02T17:46:00.002-04:00

I'm going to have to ask everyone to bear with me on this one; the comparison may not be apparent at first and some degree of abstraction might be required. I randomly ended up hearing a clip of "Killer Tofu" recently by everyone's favorite fictional rock band The Beets. Now while The Beets on the show Doug were an outright parody of The Beetles, I found the sound of "Killer Tofu" specifically (I can't say the same for any of the other Beets hits like "Shout Your Lungs Out" or "I Need More Allowance") to be oddly similar to a Smiths song. While no one is going to confuse Flounder and Monroe Yoder for Johnny Marr and Morrissey respectively, the song sort of has familiar elements from both members at its core. The guitar has a distinctive Marr jangly sound (seriously, compare the start of "Killer Tofu" to the start of "Hand In Glove", can't you hear it a little?) while the lyrics have that sort of esoteric, first person, woe is me, theme reminiscent of Morrissey's work (and given the anti-fast food/pro-vegetarian message this would obviously be right at home on "Meat is Murder").

Or maybe I just ate t-t-t-t-t-too much fried food.

I Would Like An Orange Julius

2011-03-24T12:20:00.003-04:00

I am fully aware that this is my third post out of my last five discussing mid 90s to early-00s Saturday Night Live sketches (given how sparsely I update this blog nowadays, that's probably about half my total output for the year thus far). It wasn't be design or anything, I just happen to post when the feeling strikes me and that feeling this time just happened to be in the form of a long forgotten sketch guest starring Sylvester Stallone from 1997.

Stallone on SNL- 1997 Orange Julius Skit - The best free videos are right here

In his over 40 year career in film, Sylvester Stallone has earned many accomplishments from Oscar-nominated writer/actor, to action icon, to notable softcore porn star, and Boxing Hall of Famer; unfortunately comedic actor is definitely not one of them. Try as he might, his few forays into (intentional) comedies have been nothing short of disastrous. Thus, it comes as a bit of a surprise that his hosting of the premiere of the 23rd season of SNL in 1997 turned out (at least in my memory) to be a pretty solid episode and featured the above "Orange Julius" Sketch; one of my all time top ten favorite SNL sketches.

Everyone has different senses of humor, but my favorite types of SNL sketches are usually ones that end up surprising you with their direction. Often times I find too many lazy sketches where it's entirely reliant on a cheap sight/costume gags or just the irritating mannerisms of the main character (re:almost every Kristen Wiig sketch). I do like those types of sketches in moderation, and if done well, but often a good sketch for me is one that is more based on dialog and the interaction/give and take between the actors; plus a little dash of the absurd doesn't hurt either. I've previously written about this in my post about my all time favorite sketch "Census Taker".

As with the "Census Taker", the "Orange Julius" sketch for me really hits all the right notes for a great sketch. You gets a little suspicious if the sketch is just going to go for some cheap laughs when Stallone comes out with the shirt in the fly, but the sketch quickly devolves into a hilariously surreal exercise in futility with Stallone's Leon trapping Ferrell's pitch perfect computer purchasing straight man into an increasingly frustrating, almost Kafkaesque, episode where he ends up being pressured to buy a vending machine. It's Stallone's performance that really makes the whole thing work. I find his character to be one of the most fascinating one shot characters in memory with all his nuanced quirks from constantly referring to his supervisor by the wrong name or saying one computer is "boss" while the other is "for gays", his inability to pronounce Pentium Processor, to insisting the commander of the Enterprise was Cpt. Clark. You're not sure what exactly his deal is. Is he suppose just supposed to be a bad employee? Insane? Mentally challenged? Just really into Orange Juliuses? He manages to be both infuriatingly inept yet sympathetically earnest as a salesman; and his melodramatic, senseless, meandering speech at the end actually comes off a little bit genuinely sad. Fortunately he gets a happy conclusion that befits the insanity of the sketch.

I don't know, maybe I'm devoting way too much word count to a forgotten sketch that most likely bombed almost 14 years ago; but I can't deny it definitely left a last impression on me all these years later. Also, I never actually had one of those Orange Juliuses, from what I've read they sound pretty good.

Picture This!

2011-03-21T23:04:00.007-04:00

One of the things I've been doing with my extra post law school "down time" has been getting around to knocking out some of the more obscure titles in my casual quest to see every Best Picture winning film. It's not really a motivated goal or anything and I doubt I'll ever muster enough enthusiasm to rent and watch "The Broadway Melody of 1929" or "Cavalcade"; basically it comes down to if my local library has it for rent and if I can't find anything better to do. That being said I recently watched, over the span of a week, "How Green Was My Valley" and "Mrs. Miniver", Best Picture winners of 1941 and 1942 respectively and two of the most forgettable and lowest regarded Best Pictures this side of "Crash".

While both pictures essentially lived up to their mediocre billing and ended up being hard 3 star ratings, one of the things I noticed was the male lead for both films Walter Pidgeon

bore an noticeable resemblance to...

"Mad Men" star Jon Hamm (especially when he's all Draper-ed up). It seems lately the Hamm-ster has been trying to leverage his TV success into setting up a big screen career, but it remains to be seen if he will ever come close to putting up the impressive feat of headlining consecutive Best Picture winners. Looking at his upcoming IMDB credits ("Sucker Punch", "Bridesmaids") at least 2011 may be a wash.

Have My Cake...

2011-03-10T17:46:00.005-05:00

It is with much excitement and pleasure that after years of searching (well, really more like an hour of searching two years ago and then randomly searching for it recently and immediately finding it) I was able to find the "Sexy Cakes" sketch from Patrick Stewart's classic 1994 appearance on Saturday Night Life, one of my all time favorite SNL sketches.

Cakes by trepid212

I remember during my brief obsession with finding this sketch, I almost contemplated uploading a crude homemade reenactment of it using still pictures and voice over just so younger audiences could have had some sense of it beyond transcripts (my threat to do a similar reenactment of the "Hi-C and Turkey" sketch starring Danny Aiello from 1996 if no one uploads it still stands).

The sketch itself is a pretty funny concept but still fairly one note (an erotic cake maker only makes cakes of people going to the bathroom); what really sells it is Stewart's performance. From start to finish he treats his oddly perverse baker with the dedication and gusto that the show just doesn't get from the other 90% of their guests who awkwardly stumble through scenes with their eyes transfixed on the cue cards. The bulk of the humor comes from his unyielding, singular idea of sexiness (namely women going to the bathroom) and his effusive enthusiasm, bordering on titillation, about the supposed sexiness of his creations; contrasted with the disappointed and confused reactions of his customers (also want to note that Rob Schneider as the subdued straight man is sort of an odd choice). Additionally, that fact that the sketch doesn't overstay its welcome and has a nice, well defined ending with a comedy beat (the inability to end a sketch properly is the biggest problem that sinks good sketches) raises it to the level of an all time classic in my book. Sure, nowadays Sir Patrick is all game for comedic cartoon voice over work and cheeky cameos, but this sketch was one of the first to really come upon the inspired formula of using his distinct authoritative voice and classically trained acting abilities to do surreal, often times dirty, comedy.

Witty One-Liner I Would Give About Recently Dismissed BYU Basketball Player Brandon Davis From My Opening Monologue If I Hosted A Late Night Show

2011-03-03T00:10:00.007-05:00

"Hey did any of you hear about that basketball player from BYU, Brandon Davis? One of the best players on the team but he got suspended for apparently violating the school's strict honor code of having premarital sex with his girlfriend. Yeah, that's right...And here I thought that the Mormon Church encouraged missionary work!

Stick around after the break, we'll talk to George Hamilton about his new movie..."

P.S.

As for my own personal thoughts on the matter; I have to say that BYU showed some exceptional integrity in staying true to their policies given the season they are having and the potential ramifications of losing one of their top players (in fact they just got crushed by New Mexico and probably lost their chance at a 1 seed). Is their code (which, among other things, bans drinking coffee and tea, foul language, beards, and sandals) unduly strict and unrealistic relative to most colleges? Probably, but then again it's what they believe in and what all the players agree to follow; and with all the stories of crooked coaches, compromised programs, and academic improprieties in the big business of college sports, BYU's actions are at the very least respectable. For me the bigger question is: how the hell do they manage to convince any good non-Mormon recruits to come and play there (seriously given their moral handicaps, their 1984 undefeated college football championship must be one of the greatest sports accomplishments of all time)?

The H is O

2011-02-23T10:42:00.004-05:00

As if the latest chapter in the historic New York Knicks - Milwaukee Bucks rivalry wasn't enough to drive New York basketball fans into a frenzy, if you haven't heard, tonight is also the debut of newly acquired star Carmelo Anthony. After months upon endless months of speculation and negotiation, the "Melo-drama" (it'll be many a years before sports writers will have a situation with such a perfectly tailor-made phrase) finally came to an end after a funky 13 player trade threesome between the Knicks, the Nuggets, and the Timberwolves.

The reaction to the blockbuster trade among fans and writers is wide and varied. Some consider it to be a bold move by the Knicks to obtain the additional superstar they need to compete with the likes of Boston and Miami in the east, some say the Knicks gave up way too much in a situation where they had most of the leverage, some fear the creeping influence of smiling, franchise-killing, former GM/Coach Isiah Thomas all over the deal, and some say most of those things through an insanely esoteric analogy to the decade plus old SNL short film "The H is O".

Honestly, until I recently read this article, I never expected anyone in my entire lifetime to independently reference that short; it's probably one of the weirdest five minutes of SNL ever (everyone should watch it at least once, it really is as crazy as the description in the article), it's more bizarrely interesting than funny, it's from a fairly forgotten era of the show (late 90s-early 00s) that only people who saw the original airings or watched an inordinate amount of reruns on E! would even have a chance of remembering (I fall into the former, I cannot vouch for Mr. Dwyer). The only reason I even remember the sketch is that it put in me in the habit of using the phrase "The H is O" when referring to "The Heat is On" (which comes up at least a dozen times in my everyday conversations).

I guess the analogy to the sketch sort of makes sense, but did the writer really have no better example to use of doing something regrettable just for the sake of proving you can. It's a pretty relatable feeling; perhaps a personal anecdote. Maybe some higher brow reference to a pyrrhic victory? Even a slightly less obscure SNL sketch probably could have been used (oh like almost anything from the past 36 years). In the end though I'm not condemning the "The H is O" reference, just trying to wrap my head around the fact I'm writing a blog post right now about someone referencing the "The H is O" (in a story about a basketball trade no less!). The internet is a strange and scary place.

Perhaps we can expect a future article from Mr. Dwyer on NBA collective bargaining negotiations that references the other SNL short film where Steve Buscemi runs a food pawn shop in Brooklyn.

But, Ironhead....

2011-02-02T18:49:00.005-05:00

For such an imposing figure with a tough guy reputation and one of the all time greatest NFL nicknames, the late Craig "Ironhead" Heyward had one of the most mediocre 11 year careers a running back could have had in the NFL (4,301 rushing yards, 4.2 ypc, 30 TDs, 1 Pro Bowl). He was basically Jerome Bettis with the numbers of Tyrone Wheatley (his most similar player according to Pro-Football Reference). Try as I might he has never come up as the answer on a single NFL related Sporcle quiz (maybe one day when someone makes a Falcons running backs of the mid 90s quiz). His fan made Youtube "highlight" reel runs barely past a minute and although there are plenty of NES Tecmo Super Bowl clips of contemporary RBs like Bo Jackson and Christian Okoye dominating defenses, the only such clip I could find of Ironhead was him dutifully eating clock for nearly 2 quarters.

While it is quite obvious that Ironhead Heyward was more reputation than actual performance, it is that same tough guy reputation that is actually responsible for, what I think is, his greatest legacy. Perhaps some of the younger folks haven't been around long enough to recall (I even I was pretty young then) but there was a time up to the late 90s in the pre-Axe Body Wash, Queer Eye, metrosexual world where the concept of a man using a body wash was a foreign and strange notion. Nowadays, bath sponges hanging freely and body wash containers lie throughout male inhabited showers all across America but this humbling of the mighty bar that once dominated the showers didn't happen overnight, it took the concentrated efforts of marketers and manufacturers.

At the forefront of this shower room sea change was Zest Body Wash who in an effort to dispel the image of body washes being dainty and unmanly went to a pitchman whose public image was the complete antithesis, enter Ironhead. Anyone who watched a decent amount of TV in the mid to late 90s remembers the ubiquitous series of spots (I remember they were on all the time during wrestling) where an angry, towel draped, pre-shower, Ironhead challenged the viewer to put aside all their preconceptions and try a round with Zest, aggressively attacking any reservations in the viewers' minds ("What's with this thingy?") of bathing with a body wash. The message was clear, if Zest Body Wash provided a better clean and was macho enough for surly NFL power backs when it was good enough for the average guy. This approach, along with Axe's well documented "this body wash will literally make women insane for you" advertising contributions essentially created the men's body wash market we know today. Interestingly Old Spice Body Wash's current campaign follows the exact blueprint of the old Zest ads (former/current NFL players in the shower aggressively asserting the manly effectiveness of their product) with a slightly surrealist bent.

So while it's highly unlikely that Ironhead Heyward will get that bust in Canton, if they ever make some sort of crazy pitchman Hall of Fame, his contributions in the field of personal hygiene product marketing would guarantee him a place right next to the Hathaway Shirt Man and Dos Equis Guy.

Picture This!

2011-01-25T22:38:00.004-05:00

I had just recently finished watching my Netflix copy of 1958 Best Picture Academy Award Winner (and overall poor man's "My Fair Lady") "Gigi" and was about to put it in the return envelope when I noticed something about the the iconic title font that I had never noticed before.

Now am I crazy or is a title font like that better suited for a disturbing "Saw"-like horror thriller than a lavish, G-Rated, period piece musical? I guess with a winking Leslie Caron head doting the "I" it never looked all that menacing on the poster, but really in this context it reminds me of a grittier version of the title font for "Cujo".

Perhaps in another universe "Gigi" is actually a gruesome piece of unsettling torture porn where it turns out that, in addition her striking beauty and youthful, charming personality, the title character hides a unquenchable homicidal blood lust; a secret that her handsome, love stuck beau Gaston (among many others) figures out far too late.

Any producers out there who feel like desecrating a classic, get in touch. I'll whip up a treatment in no time.

No, Money Down.

2011-01-13T08:49:00.006-05:00

I don't think Peter Fonda knows how fortunate he is this morning. He was just a mere comma away from making next month's Oscar Death Montage. I didn't actually end up clicking and reading the full article itself, but I assume the "dead body" was eventually determined to be his career post "Thomas and the Magic Railroad".

Five things that, according to Macho Man Randy Savage, are not as exciting as eating Slim Jims

2011-01-10T20:50:00.004-05:00

Potato Chips

By far Macho's most restrained, stripped down, production.

Working at a Pizza Place

It's fairly obvious who has "snapped" here.

Studying at the Library

I think the librarian's question was more than reasonable.

Replacing Light Bulbs

Does the store owner really deserve all that abuse?

Amateur Productions of "Romeo & Juliet"

"Art Thou Bored?"

Man I miss watching Saturday afternoon wrestling in the 90s.

Are You Ready to Ride the Snake?

2011-01-08T16:46:00.005-05:00

I just noticed that Jim Carrey will be hosting the first new Saturday Night Live of 2011 tonight. Astonishingly enough this will be his first time hosting since 1996! I don't know about you but I find it a bit baffling that such a modern comedy giant and sketch comedy veteran, who would likely be the most ideal kind of host for the show, was last on to promote the release of "The Cable Guy". Perhaps he still has a lingering loyalty to his early "In Living Color" days and is reluctant to appear on their old rival (which, if true, I would totally support since I never liked the idea of people on other less prominent sketch comedy shows eventually becoming famous enough on their own to host the evil empire; fortunately I don't think we'll have a problem with any superstar former "Mad TV" cast members coming on)?

Overall the fact that Jim Carrey is hosting isn't something I am all that excited about. The show will most likely still be about 85% comfortably mediocre to terrible (at least this time it'll probably more due to the writing than the host's performance). The lone exciting prospect for me about the return of Jim Carrey is the remote possibility of the return of one of my favorite SNL sketches: "Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters". While all SNL bits are subject to major diminishing returns, to once again see a hyper manic, meth addled, Carrey urging his audience to "Ride the Snake" would be infinitely superior to some one note sketch about New House Speaker John Boehner crying too much or an extended edition of "What Up With That?". Actually I think the skit could still work 15 years later. If anything the sketch is more relevant today than ever, obesity is way up and, as the news and "Breaking Bad" has shown, meth-amphetamine use is rampant.

All I can say is I'm more than ready to "Ride the Snake".

First season episode list for a fictional weekly TV series about me and my student loans

2010-12-31T12:44:00.023-05:00

The New Year is just about here and optimism abounds for the prospects of next year. Even a pretty pessimistic guy like me has to admit that he still feels some degree of enthusiasm at the idea of a fresh new beginning. Unfortunately this year, it has been exceedingly difficult to build any momentum for the new year since January '11 is also the time when the rest of my student loan debt, built up over 7 years of higher education, finally starts becoming due. Some other loans that came due earlier have already taken much of the juice from Christmas; really there is nothing like sending a cool G to Sallie Mae to really get oneself into the spirit of giving (at least my high-paying legal job will help with the repayment...oh wait...). However as my mother always said "when life gives you lemons, make punny fictional lemonade", so here is the complete, totally made up, episode list for "Victor vs. A Life Time of Student Debt" season 1:

Episode 1: Sallie Mae-hem! (Pilot)
Episode 2: PLUS-sized Trouble
Episode 3: Fun with Forbearance
Episode 4: An "Interest"-ing Development
Episode 5: Stafford Syndrome
Episode 6: Subsidized Pleasure, Unsubsidized Pain
Episode 7: Perkins Envy
Episode 8: A Fistful of Late Fees
Episode 9: Disaster Deferred?
Episode 10: Showdown in Wilkes-Barre

Not quite sure what the tone would be. Tragedy? Comedy? Action? Vorshtein? Oh and to those rich/lucky sons of bitches who have no idea what all these student loan references are, I hope your butler spits in your fillet mignon tonight.

Re-Work My Heart

2010-12-17T23:18:00.012-05:00

Quite often I'll find myself with a random idea or notion that, while sort of interesting (at least to myself anyway), is essentially worthless and infeasible due to issues of cost, time, logic, and overall pointlessness. I've also noticed I've been getting these ideas more frequently during my current post graduate unemployment period. Rather than just confining these useless fancies in my mind and letting them die a peaceful, honorable, death I figured I'd toss up an occasional thought or two on the blog and have it live forever in the limitless clutter of the internet. You can thank me later.

The setting is December 1996; weddings and Bar Mitzvahs remain trapped under the unrelenting iron grip of the Macarena, Bill Clinton optimistically looks ahead to a productive, distraction-free, second term, and Toni Braxton's "Un-Break My Heart" is topping the Billboard Charts. Of course anyone around my age will recall the classic music video for "Un-Break My Heart" (which joins Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" as one of the two greatest music videos of women walking around their mansions singing about their love for and lamenting the motorcycle related deaths of their significant others, made in 1996). You know how the story goes: Tyson Beckford gets killed right off the bat by some random yellow Oldsmobile, countless shots of Toni grieving in various states of undress, Toni's flashbacks of sexy frolicking with Tyson Beckford in various states of undress, and that big concert at the end with the full orchestra and that weird dress with the hole in the side. The song itself was epic enough on it's own but then you add the over-the-top four minute melodrama to the music, you get a straight up classic.

At the time the video came out I found it to be probably the most nakedly erotic thing my 12 year old self saw on basic cable (at least until Fiona Apple's "Criminal" came out the following year). Watching it now nearly 15 years later (god I felt so old writing that out) the whole thing is a lot tamer and surprisingly sillier then I remember, particularly the sexy flashbacks. All the flashback to Toni and Tyson during happier times are obviously supposed to show a deeply passionate, sexy young couple, enjoying each other and for the most part they do, but looking at it now some of the scenes don't really work for me. Here's a breakdown of their activities ranked in terms of sexiness:

Doing it in the shower (Classic sexy. Can't go wrong with that.)
Sexy swimming/possibly doing it in the pool (Pretty sexy, very rarely done wrong [see pool sex scene from "Showgirls"])
Cuddling by the fireplace in matching black turtleneck sweaters (Sexy, but the sweaters lose points.)
Toni playfully shaving Tyson (Not all that sexy. There are ways one can make shaving sexy, but it doesn't really work here)
Sexy game of Twister (Not sexy and weird. With all the physical entanglements Twister can have sexy applications, but when you're an intimate couple like that why don't you just go have sex?)
Tyson playfully grooming Toni's hair (Totally not sexy. I can't imagine any scenario where that would work.)

So given all these memorable scenes, my ideas was that that if anyone wanted to make a parody of the "Un-Break My Heart" video it should replace the flashback activities with unambiguously un-sexy and increasingly absurd activities. What these activities should be is really left to the parodist but they should be the complete opposite of sexy behavior. Just brainstorming off the top of my head faux Toni and Tyson could be:

Doing yard work
Installing weather stripping
Filing their joint tax returns
Re-enacting Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House"
Eating gigantic sandwiches
Voting
Making a dress with a huge hole in the side

Well, I think it had promise. However given that neither this song nor Toni Braxton has been all that relevant for at least a decade (although Weezer's recent cover of it on their new album is kind of not terrible), it would appear that this idea is will only live on as a gloriously esoteric pipe dream. Then again, if they can make a mediocre SNL digital short based entirely on the opening lines of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5", perhaps there's a glimmer of hope.

Thank You

2010-11-25T09:43:00.004-05:00

It's that time of the year again to start breaking out the things to be thankful for (to have an "attitude of gratitude" as I recall learning once back in Sunday school). While I'd be lying if I said 2010 thus far has been a banner year for Ole Vic and that my life is exactly where I'd want it to be right now, there is always an abundance of things to be thankful for at all times. The big things are a given and it would be superfluous and redundant to go over the major stuff like people who care about me, my freedoms, my health, my looks, etc, etc. Believe me I am super grateful for those things everyday as demonstrated by my occasional bouts of anxiety that any of those things will suddenly be taken from me. However aside from the aforementioned big stuff, I have traditionally (well I actually forgot to do it last year) taken to time to appreciate the more subtle, but still quite important details to be thankful for this year.

So what am I thankful for this year?:

Learning how to hide status updates from specific people from my Facebook News Feed. You just click on that box at the right hand corner and the option is right there! It's crazy that it took me to like the beginning of this year to figure it out. This perfectly solved my longtime conundrum of filtering out the most irritatingly asinine and disagreeable updates in my feed without resorting to the nuclear option of harshly cutting off all Facebook ties with someone (just because I find you annoying doesn't mean I want to cut off all avenues of communication with you). Of course I'm willing to live with the other of the coin: the possibility that some of my "friends" are filtering me out (but really who'd do that to me?).

Brandon Lloyd's fantastic season. Not to jinx it or anything with the playoffs looming next month but I am currently enjoying my best fantasy football season ever (totally jinxed it), thanks in no small part to the completely unexpected breakout play of Broncos WR Brandon Lloyd. The formerly inconsistent journeyman wide out has done nothing but produce (already over 1000 yds, 7 TDs, and averaging almost 20 Y/D) for every owner fortunate enough to have picked him off the waiver wire earlier in the year hoping for one or two more quality games before he regressed. It really covered up my terrible Mike Sims Walker draft pick. Minor thanks also to fellow wavier wire pickup Steve Johnson who has been catching touchdowns like a boss as of late.

The hour long 4th season finale of "The Venture Bros.". "The Venture Bros." is one of the fews shows left on TV that I actually make an effort to follow. With every agonizingly belated season the show has really grown more weirder and more ambitious in their style, storytelling, and pop culture non sequiturs. Sometimes it works, sometimes it fails; but you always have to appreciate the effort. That said, the extended hour long running time of "Operation: P.R.O.M." really should be the ideal length of most Venture episodes since there is often so much new stuff getting introduced every episode along with the progression of the current season arch that it often times feels rushed or packed together. Without going into a summary, I feel this episode really struck a nice balance between exposition and action. Also, bonus points for the borderline obscene explanations of what a "Rusty Venture" is, the extended "Mr. Wendell" references, and surprise use of "Just Like a Friend" by Pulp at the end.

Caffeine Pills. I guess if I want to get really specific I would say the 100 ct. Prolab Caffeine Supplements from Vitamin Shoppe. For the price of a few cups of coffee I got a convenient and steady caffeine supply for the whole year. These were the unofficial MVPs in passing the NY and NJ bar over the summer. Hey, we all need our fix somewhere, I like to get it in a no nonsense pill. Unfortunately pep pills users still live under the ugly stigma placed upon them by the infamous Saved by the Bell episode,"Jesse's Song". Hopefully one day it'll be just as normalized and acceptable as getting a cup of joe. When it happens I'll be so excited.

Far East Movement's "Like a G6" going to #1. As a lover of pop music and as a Korean American, it filled me with great pride last month to find "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (sort of like an Asian Black Eyed Peas with 2 out of the 4 members being Korean Americans) featuring The Cataracs, DEV topping the Billboard Hot 100 chart; the first US #1 hit by a Korean artist. It also didn't hurt that the song was a great pop record with equal parts terribly stupid and insidiously catchy. Of course we can't forget all the great Korean pop pioneers who came before that helped paved the way for "Like a G6" like Joseph Hahn, member of Linkin Park who went to #2 with "In the End" in 2001, (half-Korean) Amerie who had a top 10 hit with "1 Thing" in 2005 and, straight up K-Pop act, Wonder Girls who hit #76 with "Nobody" in 2009.

And, as always, another year of "Lockhorns" comics. My Lockhorn blog may be on extended hiatus until the end of the year, but that doesn't mean I still can't enjoy their hilarious daily battles. It looks like Loretta has ruined another Thanksgiving.

Cue the song!:

Gold Digging, part 6: Mellow Hits

2010-11-22T16:13:00.002-05:00

Your eyes are not fooling you, dear reader, after over a year and a half long delay from my last A.M Gold digging exploration, I have finally come around to concluding what really should have been a week-long six-part series about some 70s compilation CDs I randomly bought. For those of you who are unfamiliar or have just plain forgotten, you can brush up at the archives. For those of you who've been eagerly waiting all these months upon months with bated breath and hopeful eyes, I am horrified beyond words. This disc is the third and final disc from the three CD box set entitled "Radio Hits '69-'74". I've noted in the review of the last CD that, even with the seemingly straightforward premise of creating a compilation of songs that were popular on the radio between the years 1969 and 1974, Time Life managed to include two songs released post-1974; you will notice as you make your way through this breakdown that it wasn't an isolated incident. As for the title of the disc itself, it's something called "Mellow Hits"; I'm not sure how much of a nuanced difference it is from the previous CD "Easy Hits".

It's the final countdown!:

1. "Sky High" - Jigsaw (1975) #3

There are at least two things that are completely wrong about the inclusion of "Sky High" on this CD. The obvious first error is that it doesn't qualify has a 1969-1974 radio hit since it was released in 1975. The second more subtle yet more egregious mistake is that there is no way any listener is going to qualify the song as anything close to "mellow". In a tight, just under three minute, package, the song soars higher and higher with a funky immediacy; euphorically rising with each successive chorus, but never quite leveling off. I also always thought it kind of sounded like a weird pop rock Bond theme and, as it turned out, the song itself was originally written for a 70s Hong Kong action thriller (with George Lazenby no less!). Given all that, it's hardly the kind of tune one would sit back in his basement beanbag and mellow out to. Terrible categorization aside, the song itself is an all time A.M. Gold classic; one of those amazing, totally unique hit songs that turns their artists into one hit wonders since they can never replicate the sound.

2. "Hitchin' a Ride" - Vanity Fare (1969) #5

"Hitchin' a Ride" will always remind me of the nostalgic 1995 coming of age movie "Now and Then", a movie I watched an inordinate amount of times in middle school, which then, oddly enough, makes me nostalgic for the 90s. It's quite weird considering how it's one of those classic songs that lazy movie and television producers often use to immediately signal that it's the 60s. Additionally there already is another "Hitchin' a Ride" from the 90s that really should make me nostalgic for the decade. Wild. As for the song itself, it's another great pop tune: fun, light, with an excellent use of flute (really more pop artists today should utilize the flute; reclaim it back from all those pretentious prog rockers who sucked all the fun out of it over the decades). It's almost impossible not to feel a little happier after listening to the song.

3. "The Night Chicago Died" - Paper Lace (1974) #1

I briefly mentioned "The Night Chicago Died" when I wrote about Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods' cover of the Paper Lace song "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" on disc 3; basically about the endearingly egregious inaccuracy of the song with regards to Chicago gangland history. In addition to the historical inaccuracy, the story is overblown and borderline nonsensical and the upbeat tone is in absurd contrast with the supposedly dire subject matter of the song, however all these elements work to make this a standout ridiculous story song in what was the greatest decade for ridiculous story songs ever. To change all these unique parts of the song would be to ruin it. Who would want to listen to a slow, somber dirge that accurately recounts how Al Capone was quietly arrested for income tax evasion? When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.

4. "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" - Jim Croce (1973) #1

One cannot talk about "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" without also mentioning Jim Croce's earlier 1972 hit "You Don't Mess Around With Jim". Depending on who you're asking, "Leroy Brown" is at best a spiritual sequel to "Jim" and at worst a lazy, inferior, clone. Lyrically they're essentially the same song: a story about the titular, supposed, badass, who eventually gets his ass kicked by some new stranger that's an even bigger badass (I guess the lesson is that there is always someone better than you so don't get to high on yourself?). Earlier this year, friend of the blog Andrew U. wrote the most definitive statement thus far on which was the superior song and I was cited as an authority. While "Jim" narrowly edged "Leroy Brown" as the better song, I still stand by my roughly paraphrased quote:

"Uh, I guess Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. It's a little bit jumpier...it's got the piano...You Don't Mess Around with Jim, eh, it's a little more stripped down...plus, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown was my first love. They're basically the exact same song, though."

5. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree" - Dawn featuring Tony Orlando (1973) #1

Here's a weird observation. For the group's first #1 hit "Knock Three Times" (included in Gold Digging, part 2) in 1971, they were credited as "Tony Orlando and Dawn". By the time of their second #1 hit, the above titled song, they were now credited as "Dawn featuring Tony Orlando" and by their last #1 "He Don't Love You (Like I Love You)" the group was back to "Tony Orlando and Dawn". I wonder what happened during that middle period where Tony got relegated to mere feature player status? Maybe it was like "Careless Whisper" where it was clearly a George Michael solo song but was credited as "Wham! featuring George Michael". Alas, I didn't catch the Tony Orlando "Behind the Music" back in the day. Like I mentioned when I wrote about, Captain & Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together", both that song and this have that unique quality of overt cheesiness and never sounding modern or cool even in their own periods. Oddly though, it's that unique anachronistic sound that also sort of makes the song kinda timeless. It's so unambiguously hokey and lacking in irony that it almost comes around to cool. And as long as there are veterans returning home from war or prisoners getting paroled, this gem will continue to live on.

6. "Without You" - Nilsson (1972) #1

Few songs reach the soaring peaks of gravitas and bombast as Nilsson's cover of Badfinger's "Without You". Given what a totally eccentric, weirdo, pop genius Harry Nilsson was, I wonder if he was being totally sincere in his over the top heartbreak or just cleverly pulling the listener's chain. Either way it is one of my all time favorite songs to karaoke, albeit a little hard on the vocal chords if sung towards the end of the night. My one minor complaint is that for such an epic sounding operatic number it really should be longer; by the time the song clocks out at just about quarter after three minutes I'm left wondering: it's over already? Song with this sort of Jim Steinman-esque grandness to them really should have a baseline of at least four minutes and work from there. Then again Nilsson was never much for fixed conventions.

7. "Light My Fire" - Jose Feliciano (1968) #3

Way back when I first found out that Jose Feliciano, writer and performer of my all-time favorite Christmas song "Feliz Navidad", had other hit songs and a prolific multi-decade long career, it was a bit of a surprise. I had always assumed that nearly all holiday song writers existed in a genre vacuum and, for the most part, were strictly one hit wonders (seriously how many other Elmo & Patsy hits can you name?). Felicicano's "Light My Fire" is a solid enough cover. It's definitely not one of those exemplary covers that overwhelm the popularity of the original, but it's also not just a lazy retread either, it contributes something as well. It's interesting to note that Felicano's version went to #3 just a year after the Doors went to #1. I think more up and coming artists should learn from this; forget covering old tunes, take the most current popular chart topper and immediately capitalize on its current fame by knocking out a cover of it as soon as possible. It still has to be sort of good but at least you have the benefit of the current wave of popularity.

8. "Shannon" - Henry Gross (1976) #6

The urban legend about the Barry Manilow song "Mandy" was that its overly romantic, heartfelt lyrics were actually about the songwriter's dog rather than a woman named Mandy, the story turned out to be was false. "Shannon" by Henry Gross, however, is apparently totally about a dog. In fact, it's not just any dog, it's about the death of Beach Boy Carl Wilson's Irish Setter. It's hard to tell through Gross's falsetto delivery of the chorus ("Shannon is gone I hope she's drifting out to sea") but when actually reading the lyrics, it does seem more obvious that the titular "Shannon" was a dog. It also makes me question the methods the family possibly used to dispose of poor Shannon; did they just dump her in the ocean? Dog or woman, the song still has a wonderful baroque melancholy to it that pulls off that difficult trick of being sad yet still pop. Also, Time Life, don't think I forget that this song is 2 years past 1974, pretty weak.

9. "One Less Bell to Answer" - The 5th Dimension (1970) #2

I have always considered this song to be the sad sequel to The 5th Dimension's "Wedding Bell Blues" (reviewed all the way back in Gold Digging, part 1). It would appear that commitment-phobic "Bill" from "Wedding Bell Blues" has rejected the singer's ultimatum to marry her and has left their home leaving the singer in the titular situation of having "one less bell to answer". It's actually quite depressing to think that the endless love and exuberance of the former song has given way to the daily crying and remorse of the latter, but then again I've always been a consummate pessimist. Despite the different tones, both songs are excellent and lead vocalist Marilyn McCoo really knocks it out of the park here.

10. "Everybody Plays the Fool" - The Main Ingredient (1972) #3

If you can't feel the slightest bit happier and positive about the state of your life after hearing this song, you must really be in some seriously dire straits. The whole song exudes an infectious air of "we've all been there before, let's dust ourselves off an look forward to tomorrow" positivity from the comforting lyrics to the perky flutes (once again, behold the power of the flute!). It goes along the same poppy "keep your head up" route as Billy Joel's "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" but while Joel's song was almost explicitly anti-suicide, this has a more implied approach. I always wondered what kinds of songs prevented more suicides: deliriously upbeat songs that expounded the pros of life or relentlessly dark and emotionally raw songs that sought to provide catharsis. I think it could go either way.

11. "In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)" - Zager and Evans (1969) #1

I could probably write a lengthy blog post alone on "In the Year 2525". In an era of weird and unusual hit songs, I don't think it gets any weirder or more unusual than this insane and poorly reasoned vision of the future. The whole song reads like almost intentionally awful amateur science fiction, journeying through 1010 year intervals (except for a brief stop in 7510 and 8510; I guess they didn't have enough lines that rhymed with five) of increasingly bizarre and awkwardly assembled rhyming couplets about man's increasing dehumanization; all through the contrastingly un-sci-fi medium of folk guitar and horns. Whatever attempts at deep questions of the future of mankind and its place in the universe are lost in the sublime ridiculousness. The whole thing really isn't for everybody, in fact, I know people who consider this song, hands down, their least favorite song of all time. For me, the mess sort of works. I like its earnest, albeit kinda awful, attempt at something different. It's an original.

12. "Oh Happy Day" - The Edwin Hawkins Singers (1969) #4

I initially thought this was weird choice for a closer, going with a hit R&B Gospel arrangement of an 18th century hymn; but in retrospect religious pop music was unusually popular in the A.M. Gold era. Although these 6 CDs didn't have too many on them, I've learned from my overall A.M. Gold listening experiences that there were a shocking number of nonsecular chart hits (one of these days I may do an entire post about "The Lord's Prayer" by Sister Janet Mead; a funky rock version of the Lord's Prayer that went to #4 in 1974 and which I couldn't get out of my head for days). Overall, I don't have much of a strong opinion about "Oh Happy Day", it's uplifting and well sung but really most gospel songs start to blend together for me. I do always find the sound of a gospel choir to be pleasing though (Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is" would be nothing without the New Jersey Mass Choir).

Well, with that our long national nightmare is over. As for the CD overall, despite that fact I found almost none of the songs to fit into Time Life's ill defined concept of "Mellow Hits", song quality wise it was probably the strongest of all six CDs I've listened to (the best for last; it oddly worked out that way). On the flip side of that however is the fact that there weren't too many real discoveries here compared to the other CDs. Most of the songs were songs that I knew and enjoyed prior, but I can't really fault them for that. So in conclusion, I just want to say that I'm as surprised as you are that I actually managed to finish out the string; a year and a half long hiatus is liable to make anyone pessimistic. Interestingly in the time between the last CD and this one, I actually procured the entirety Rhino Record's Super Hits of the 70s: Have a Nice Day series; that's 25 discs worth of 70s AM classics. Maybe I'll start on that if I need something to do for the next 50 years.

Lock(horn) Out

2010-11-11T12:46:00.003-05:00

There is an old saying we have in the year long daily Lockhorn comic critical analysis project business: "better to end a year long daily Lockhorn comic critical analysis project a year early than a year late". Unfortunately I should have headed that old axiom after I somehow miraculously managed to complete the inaugural run of "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorns" in 2009. Perhaps drunk on champagne and hubris or perhaps hoping to see if Leroy could mount a comeback year, I decided to tempt fate again and go for another round.

Eleven months later, with the year rapidly coming to a close, and the blog hopelessly mired all the way back in the ides of May, I'm afraid I'll have to take the decisive move of putting the blog on hiatus for the remainder of the year. I know but a mere three months and five posts ago I promised I would endeavor to see my initial mission to catch up through, but it doesn't take any complicated number crunching to realize how overwhelming a task it would be to catch up on over 6 months of Lockhorn squabbling, spite, and scorn by the end of December.

So dear readers, it appears I have let you down and for this I apologize. However, while the Lockhorn project will be scrapped for the remainder of 2010, I am currently conceptualizing a new format for the blog that I will debut in the coming year (a sort of a Lockhorns 2.0 if you will). I don't want to over hype it or anything but let's just say it'll be the best year long daily Lockhorn comic critical analysis project of 2011. Tune in next year.

A Tale of Two Johns (technically Jon and John)

2010-11-03T14:47:00.009-04:00

Considering how this blog is so often cited as one of the most trusted and respected sources of breaking political news and commentary, I just wanted to note one particularly interesting pair of developments involving candidates with previous pop culture professions from last night's election results.

Down the parkway in New Jersey's Third Congressional District, former Pro Bowl offensive tackle Jon Runyan running as the Republican candidate defeated incumbent John Adler. If his congressional career is similar to his football career he will prove to be a scrappy yet solid legislator with a reputation for an occasional dirty play or two and will post an impressive consecutive appearances streak, before injuries prematurely end his career. Additionally fellow former NFLer, Representative Heath Shuler, won reelection in North Carolina as well so at least he has someone who'll get his more esoteric football analogies.

Meanwhile in the next state over in New York's 19th District, Representative John Hall, a founding member of 70s rock group "Orleans" lost his hard fought bid for re-election to challenger Nan Hayworth. While the loss was obviously a disappointment for Hall and one of many setbacks for the democrats last night, the fact that anyone involved in that legendarily awful cover to "Waking and Dreaming" could live it down enough to get elected to Congress in the first place is an amazing feat on to itself.

Additional point: While I was writing this I just remembered that current ESPN commercial featuring the a fan of the Eagles (Runyan's signature team) and "Still the One" (Orleans' signature song). Cosmic coincidence?

This is heavy! Five random things I noticed while watching "Back to the Future" on Monday

2010-10-27T18:16:00.013-04:00

If you haven't heard or read already "Back to the Future" just turned 25 recently and in addition to the new press, internet buzz, awkward cast reunions, and blu ray releases, the first film was brought back into select theaters nationwide for a brief two night engagement (last Saturday and Monday). Fortunately I found out about the limited run in time to catch the Monday night showing. While I had seen the "Back to the Future" trilogy (particularly the first and second one), far and away, more than any other movies in my life (I'm talking by a huge margin like Gretzky to Messier on the all-time points list), I never got to see it in an actual theater. Considering how the first movie is so deeply ingrained in my mind that I could probably do a one man scene for scene monologue of the entire film ("We enter to the ticking cacophony of the myriad of clocks in Doc Brown's cluttered home...") I really didn't expect any surprises from watching the big screen print of the film aside from the enhanced audio and visual experience (that old person makeup for Marty's parents, Biff, and Doc in 1985 did look a lot less convincing in high def). However, as is the case with all truly great and timeless works of art repeat viewings still manage to reveal new unseen subtitles and nuances.

I want to preface that my following observations have less to do with the endless number of complex and hypothetical issues and consequences regarding time travel that always arise from watching the film. As anyone who has enjoyed the films will agree, those complicated questions of why didn't this happen to Marty or what Doc could have done or how the time line really should have changed are a given (and part of the enduring nature of the trilogy). The following are more plot and character touches that I never considered in prior watchings (with maybe a few space time continuum issue sprinkled in there):

Doc Brown is crazy...in a disturbing, dangerous way

Watching the film as a kid, Doc Brown was hands down my favorite character, and really what kid wouldn't find him to be the coolest character? He's charismatic, lovably manic, entertainingly hyperbolic, has a Bill Nye-esque way of explaining situations with ease and amusement, and after all it's his creation of the time machine that sets all the events of the movie into motion. He's the classic friendly mad scientist. However, looking at his actions throughout the film I noticed he also carries the all too common mad scientist trait of extreme recklessness and utter lack of scientific ethics. Without even getting into his questionable actions in the sequels (excessive time altering, knocking people out with his date rape gun thing, train hijacking) over the course of the original film he:

Conspires with deadly Libyan terrorists in obtaining illegal stolen plutonium. Even before the post 9-11 era this is a monstrously unethical act. It's bad enough that the Doc is illegally possessing stolen plutonium, the fact that he negotiated with a terrorist group (even in bad faith) probably qualifies him for the highest level of treason.
Initially tests his time machine on his pet dog. Call it hubris or recklessness, but the Doc seems totally caviler with possibly vaporizing his loyal dog in dangerous new plutonium powered time machine. It's not like it's strongly implied that he has ever made an invention that worked up to this point.
Unnecessarily risks his and Marty's life. Once Doc puts Einstein in the Delorean he sets the car via remote to come barreling directly towards them with the assumption that the car will disappear into the future and not crush both him and Marty. Couldn't they just observe the experiment safely from the side? Once again, hubris or recklessness?
Total lack of lab safety training. Aside from the above noted examples of careless behavior, Doc does not even maintain a safe laboratory environment. In 1955, while he is showing his plan via models to get Marty back to 1985, he causes his model toy car to burst into flames and go straight into a highly dangerous piles of oily rags and flammable chemicals. Luckily he manages to get the flames out in time, but as we learn by 1985 he eventually ends up burning his entire house down sometime in the next three decades. At least he wears goggles?
Proves himself to be a total hypocrite. Doc gives Marty plenty of shit for trying to telling him one crucial piece of news about him in the future and lecturing him about the horrible dangers of messing with the time space continuum, yet he's the one who still irresponsibly builds a time machine so he can learn everything about the future. If Doc really cared about the ethical dangers of time travel he would have immediately stopped himself from devoting the next 30 years of his life to making a time machine! He sort of starts to get the idea that time traveling maybe irresponsible and prohibitively risky in the sequels but obviously abandons it at the end when he makes another time machine out of a locomotive to replace the Delorean.

Gee Mr. Strickland, that was kind of uncalled for.

Mr. Strickland is a fairly one note, single purpose character. He's a dick authority figure that pisses on the dreams of current day Marty and sort of shows the lousiness of his current situation. It's also amusing to see that he has remained unchanged since his father attended high school in 1955. When he catches Marty being late for school again at the beginning of the film he basically reads him the standard riot act. He issues Marty a tardy slip. Reasonable. Advises Marty to quit hanging around that dangerous lunatic Doc Brown. More and reasonable given the above points. Tells him to ship up and quit being a slacker like his old man. Fine. Then things get weird. He gets progressively angrier and unsettlingly up close and face to face with Marty (yeah like Hall & Oates H2O album cover close) and, in an excessively petty display, starts trashing Marty's band, telling him he has no chance in to succeed in the auditions for the school dance. Finally, he then goes a step farther by stating that no McFly has ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley, thus stating that Marty is destined for failure. Those last two statements seem quite inappropriate for a school principal to be making to a student. It's almost as if he has a personal vendetta against Marty to the point where he keeps tabs on him (like his band trying out for the dance) so he can belittle him later. His disdain for all McFlys may indicate some sort of personal anti-Irish sentiment. Well, at least he's not pointing a gun at him.

Biff is a lot more evil then I remember

We all know series antagonist Biff Tannen is simply and irredeemably evil (as are his alternate reality incarnations, descendents, and ancestors). The evilest incarnation of Biff is arguably his powerful and rich alternate 1985 version in part 2 who kills George McFly; marries, beats, and cheats on Lorraine, and somehow manages to turn Hill Valley into a Sammy Hagar blasting hell on earth. In light of the later incarnation, it's easy to write off original 1955 Biff as just a cruel, petty, bully; but really he's almost as heinous. In the famous skateboarding chase scene midway through the film where Marty cleverly causes Biff and his gang to crash the car they're in into a manure truck; I never realized that Biff probably intended to kill Marty by running him over with his car...essentially over tripping him and pushing him over at the cafe earlier, fairly psychotic. Then of course there is the obvious attempted rape of Lorriane at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance at the end of the film that was only prevented due to George's timely intervention (given this ugly incident you'd think George or Lorraine would have some objection to ever seeing him again let alone hiring him to wax their cars in 1985). Attempted murderer and attempted rapist, I can't believe I ever felt sympathy for his neutered sycophantic 1985 incarnation at the end.

What was up with that jerk at the dance?

Obviously Biff and his band of hoodlums are the main antagonists of the film, but almost no one gives any notice to the one other villain in the film: that douchey, red headed, jerk that cuts in on George and Lorraine's dance and nearly ruins everything. You'd think after conquering all the obstacles to Marty's parents finally getting together and George finally standing up to Biff, everything would be smooth sailing but then this dude comes along and before you know it they're playing that "Sonic the Hedgehog"-like drowning music and Marty's hand is disappearing; that's some scary shit. The whole sequence barely lasts a minute before George reasserts himself, pushes red aside, and subsequently seals the deal with Lorraine by kissing her but man it would have been something else if after all that some totally absurd unforeseen factor came in and ruined everything (perhaps if it was directed David Lynch or something). Unfortunately the guy is so overlooked that I couldn't even find a picture of him, so I had to substitute him with a shot of Rick Astley (which he does sort of resemble).

Marty, such a nice name...for our third child.

So at the end of the dance everything has worked out well: Marty got his parents to fall in love and ensured his existence, Biff got his comeuppance, and rock n' roll was inadvertently invented. Marty bids a hurried but heartfelt goodbye to his young parents before he has to ride the lightening back to 1985. After he leaves the couple briefly reflect on the exceedingly bizarre week they had with this mysterious stranger and Loraine thinks out loud that Marty is "such a nice name". You'd think that after that they would name their first son after this remarkable figure they briefly met who got them to fall in love and suddenly disappeared without a trace; but no they name him Dave. It's only by their second son and third child overall that they decide to settle on Marty. Obviously Marty wasn't as nice a name as Dave.

My god has it been that long?

2010-10-25T11:50:00.007-04:00

I remember it vividly. I was ordering from one of those dozen movies for a penny clubs my Dad got into, it was a scam, I got to pick one, I checked off a film at the edge of the sheet. And weeks later when I came home I had a package, a VHS, a picture on the TV. A picture of this...this is what makes time travel possible. Back to the Future.

As a loyal fan of the trilogy, I would be remiss if I failed to point out that today is the official 25th anniversary of the premier of the first "Back to the Future".* While I wasn't really old enough to have seen it in theaters, it obviously ended up altering my life later on. While I idiosyncratically find the second film to be my favorite (what can I say it has the most per minute time traveling going on) I acknowledge that the first is the overall better film and the crucial genesis of the entire trilogy.

I also want to note that I've throughly enjoyed the new resurgence of "Back to the Future" awareness and activity that has been going on for the silver anniversary. With all the aging original Star Wars Trilogy fans and its dilution from the new movies, I think that "BTTF" is in a fine position to be the definitive widely referenced pop culture trilogy for this decade on (at least until those kids who watched Lord of the Rings growing up start taking over the zeitgeist).

Additionally this anniversary is bittersweet as it serves as a sad reminder that as old the the film becomes, I will always be one year older.

I'll see everyone in 2014 for the 25th anniversary of the sequel!

*Whoops, my bad, the movie actually premiered July 7th, 1985; October 26th, 1985 was the night (morning) of Marty's first trip back in the movie. Either way it's still 25 years.

Addendum!

2010-10-11T23:13:00.003-04:00

This addendum is over a week out of date which in internet time is the equivalent of the Catholic Church addressing the whole "Galileo was actually right about the earth revolving around the sun" issue over 350 years after declaring him a heretic, but better now then never. So as some of you may have noticed, the last "Cathy" comic was published last Sunday in a bittersweet ultimate supernova of tiny hearts and anxious sweat beads. I just wanted to proudly note that the final strip ended with Cathy announcing her surprise pregnancy to her hysterical mother just as I had offhandedly predicted prior in August. Of course I can't really give myself too vigorous a pat on the back, in other serial media like TV shows, the news of a pregnancy or the introduction of a baby has often served as the final topper of a series (Friends, Perfect Strangers, Will & Grace, King of Queens, The Nanny) or a sign that the show has all but run out of life (Mad About You, Fresh Prince of Bell Air, King of the Hill, X-Files). In any case, with any luck this should hopefully be the absolute last mention of "Cathy" on this blog (unless of course Hollywood's creative deficiency reaches the horrifying point where they option it to be a live-action or CGI mixed feature film).

Pop Culture Flashback: Carl's Mantra

2010-09-30T23:33:00.004-04:00

Do you ever find yourself suddenly recalling some completely irrelevant, random memory that has absolutely no correlation or imaginable connection to anything you were ever thinking or doing? It's not a dream or thought triggered by some tangential stimuli or an eerie feeling of deja vu; it's just a totally out of the blue flashback in your mind, like some "Inception"-style planted idea, that makes you question why your subconscious would have even bothered to have devoted any effort in preserving it.

Well you know what I suddenly recalled earlier today that I (and probably most people) haven't thought of in well over a decade? That's right, that scene from the Season 4 episode of "Family Matters" ("Driving Carl Crazy") where an enraged Carl Winslow humorously screams his personal mantra in an effort to assuage his rage after Urkel drives his little clown car into his garage.

Even though I was a loyal TGIF watcher growing up and would consider myself a fairly thorough and reliable source of knowledge of the show, when I suddenly caught myself recently muttering this hauntingly familiar yet unidentifiable mantra I had to look it up. I was shocked when I found out where it came from. As soon as I saw it I immediately remembered the episode and the context but was still left puzzled as to why I even thought about it in the first place.

Was this tedious and trivial observation worth a whole blog post? Probably not. But hey that brain's a pretty interesting little mass of slimy matter. Here I'll even throw in both German and Spanish versions of the scene to add some extra educational value.

P.S.: Had I found one more comical, rage reducing, sitcom mantra to go with this and "Serenity Now" from Seinfeld, I could have done a full Rule of Three post.

Trial Separation

2010-08-22T15:22:00.005-04:00

My dear fans of the blog and fellow Lockhorn lovers, let me convey to you may sincerest apologies. As most of you may have noticed, my daily Lockhorn commentary project "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" has been on an unexplained hiatus with no new updates since mid April. It has been quite a while. In the last few months I've been a bit busy with the end of law school, studying for and taking the bar exam, and a few other miscellany. As the days piled up I had said to myself that once all my major personal obligations passed I would eventually get around to doing, as I've done in the past, a mass update to get everything caught up. I now find myself a newly minted graduate (i.e. unemployed) with all my exams and tests completed with an excess supply of free time on my hands.

Even with my relatively open schedule though, the prospect of going back and spending hours upon hours updating over 4 months of daily Lockhorn strips (including those monstrous 5 part Sunday sections) totaling well over 200 panels was more than a little overwhelming (I'm pretty sure extended exposure to that much bitterness, anger, and martial dysfunction is fatal). I was actually contemplating the extremely tempting idea of calling it a year and starting fresh in 2011. However, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that such an action would be in gross contrast to the Lockhorns' central theme of uncompromising masochistic stubbornness. Leroy and Loretta could swiftly put an end to their eternal domestic hell by getting a divorce or resorting to murder-suicide but it is their classic, spiteful, totally psychotic, devotion to making each other absolutely miserable via the institution of marriage that has sustained the comic for all these decades. Given that, the blog must go on.

Since there is definitely too much material to safely cover in one shot without losing my mind, I'm going to attempt to gradually everything up over the next month or so. I loosely calculated that if I can average about five updates a day I could get it done in a little over a month. Whether I will actually be successful in reaching that goal after going through my 100th or so joke about Loretta's bad driving or Leroy's drinking problems will be no guarantee. But as the Lockhorns manage to continue their failing marriage, I will manage to continue my failing blog about their failing marriage.

All good things must come to an AACK!!

2010-08-13T09:37:00.006-04:00

So after thirty-four chocolate craving, shoe obsessing, yo-yo dieting, mother stressing years, it appears that long time comic "Cathy" will be acking off into the sunset. I can't say that it's all that shocking, the writing was on the wall when she married Irving in 2005. For a comic devoted to the daily travails of a miserable, love (and chocolate) starved, single woman getting Cathy to finally marry was the equivalent of Beetle Bailey being dishonorably discharged from the army, or the Lockhorns filing for a divorce, or Garfield being diagnosed with feline AIDS.

As a staple of the newspaper comic section I occasionally read a "Cathy" comic or two growing up and I, like most males and people under 50, had always written off "Cathy" as an unrelatable, unfunny, waste of ad space and printer's ink that had long since lost any relevance; living a lazy, half-assed existence recycling its tired old jokes and tropes while enjoying its comfortable tenure. During my recent Lockhorn archiving experiment (currently on hiatus), my perusing of the daily comics got myself a chance to reevaluate many of the old comics I grew up with, including "Cathy", and after looking at the antics of Cathy through the wizened perspective of an adult I must say it still sucks.

Why anyone would have any interest or empathy for this miserable, annoying, shrill troll of a woman who somehow manages to be both ugly on the outside and inside is a mystery. What's even more perplexing is how "Cathy" has a reputation as some sort of female cultural icon. So what exactly is there in this patently offensive hideous caricature of the modern female that fellow contemporary women can take to heart? Are women deep down all really that superficial/hysterical/whinny and "Cathy" is some common gender relating figure? If you did the old gender switcheroo and instead of Cathy Guisewhite it was her husband who created and wrote "Cathy", I don't think it would have been nearly as successful.

Then again, maybe I'm just unfairly picking on "Cathy" since most comic strips suck. I can't say I'm sad to see it go so this stops short of a eulogy, but for something that has consistently existed everyday for my entire existence to soon be gone forever, at least some attention must be paid. Now all that's left is to speculate about what the big finale would be October 3rd. There definitely isn't enough development time for a baby but I'm thinking maybe she'll get pregnant (as horrifying as the implications are). Although I'd be willing to completely reevaluate my comments on the entire series run if the ending is anything like the insane existential nightmare Garfield strips that ran the week before Halloween in 1989.

P.S. While google image searching for a decent sized picture of Cathy, I came across this horrifying "Cathy" parody that someone created for their blog. It is beyond "Not Safe For Work" it's more closer to "Not Safe For Human Eyes". Click at your own peril, but remember you can never unsee it.

You know what I like about you English? "Octopussy". Man I must have seen that movie...twice!

2010-08-01T21:58:00.012-04:00

If you haven't already heard the buzz around the internet, today, August 1, 2010 is indeed the foretold wedding date of one Lisa Simpson and Hugh Parkfield from the classic season 6 episode "Lisa's Wedding". I find it all too proper that Lisa's wedding immediately followed the high profile real life wedding of another notably nerdy 90s adolescent. As amusing as it is that today is actually the day noted all those years ago in the episode (the fact that the writers even got the proper day of the week shows the sort of admirable dedication and attention to detail that made those early era Simpson episodes so classic), it's also more than a little horrifying that this once oh so distant future has arrived and that it really has been 15 years since I first caught this episode in middle school.

Obviously while the episode's predictions about 2010 were greatly exaggerated for comic effect, it's still really interesting to note and compare just how completely far off the episode's world of 2010 is from today:

Trees, while endangered and threatened with deforestation all throughout the planet, have not thus far faced Lorax style extinction. In addition, our hologram monument making technology is also way behind expectations.

While gaining some measure of critical acclaim and a few golden globe nominations (and even a win) in the last two decades, Jim Carrey and his films have yet to enter the classic film canon. Also, as of 2010 he's only done about 33 movies.

Celebrities are not plaguing modern society (at least not through violent crimes). Heather Locklear did divorced long time husband Richie Sambora but has yet to marry Elizabeth Taylor's ex-husband number 8, Larry Fortensky.

America is still mired in two military engagements but World War III never occurred, with the British coming to America's aid.

We actually do have video phone technology but it never really caught on, additionally hardly anyone has a home phone line anymore. Maybe the new iPhone's FaceTime feature will really take off?

And despite all the exaggerated visions of the future, the Rolling Stones continue to be active and tour (although they don't seem to be tirelessly working to preserve historic buildings):

Well, I guess we'll have an additional 15 or so more years until the celebration of the not-so-classic "Bart to the Future".

A Frank Statement

2010-07-12T22:15:00.005-04:00

In keeping with my recently emerging theme of tangentially relating old 90s television commercials I remember with recent events in sports; LeBron James' ill conceived, hour-long, painfully public divorce with the city of Cleveland last week (also known as "The Decision") reminded me of another highly publicized press conference announcement by a basketball legend:

You know, there would have been a lot less media speculation and confusion if he said he wanted a Hebrew National.

The Week (and a Half) in Sports

2010-06-29T22:26:00.007-04:00

I just wanted to make three quick points that were tangentially related to three recent events in the world of sports while there were at least mildly relevant. Each of them individually would have been too pithy to stand on their own so I figured why not haphazardly combined them into some sort of unholy Frankenstein post?

1. Farewell Manute Bol

Former NBA player and overall gentle giant (but really are there any other kinds of giants? Like mean, hateful giants? I always thought former Jazz big man Mark Eaton didn't look too friendly) Manute Bol unexpectedly passed away two Saturdays ago at the age of 47. While nowhere close to what one would consider a "good" NBA player during his 10 years in the league, he is a definite first ballot hall of famer in turns of sheer uniqueness. Sure Gheorghe Muresan was taller and there were better blockers but Manute will always have two particular records that will probably stand until the end of time: 1. He is the only player with more career blocked shots than points scored (a true testament to his amazingly one dimensional skill set) and 2. His glorious 1987-1988 circus sideshow season with the above pictured 5'3 Muggsy Bogues was the greatest height difference between teammates on an NBA team. In addition I will also remember him for his bizarre SNL cameo.

2. One More Game

By the unfortunate virtue of being played mostly during USA's thrilling yet ultimately futile extra time victory against Algeria in the group stage of the World Cup and just being tennis, the surreal, endless, first round Wimbledon match between Nicholas Mahut and John Isner did not get the proper spotlight it really should have. The whole thing took 3 days and over 11 hours of playing time, but that second day on the 23rd with the 118 game fifth set that took up 7 of those 11 hours was the thing to watch. I just followed the updates while in school so I couldn't tell if both players were that evenly matched or were both so inept/exhausted that neither of them could win two consecutive points to end the madness. The match oddly reminded me of the old commercial for the Fisher Price 3 in 1 Tournament Table which involved two kids eschewing basic food and sleep while locked in a never ending death match involving pool, table tennis, and air hockey (man did I want that sweet table growing up; definitely one of my top 5 Christmas wish list toys). I like to think that nearly 20 years later, those kids are still locked in eternal combat in that tense, dark basement; with the family dog eagerly following the action.

3. 0-0

Let it be known that I'm essentially a hater when it comes to soccer (and yes I'm calling it soccer, not "football"). I'll take it in as a novelty every four years and the national rooting interest helps, but really anything beyond that is an unbearable amount of "the beautiful game" to me. I'm not going to go off on one of those anti-soccer rants that many people do. We all know the classic knocks: low scoring, ties, lack of strategy, excessive flopping, foreignness, etc. What really sums up a lot of the worst elements of soccer to me is the 0-0 game decided on penalty shots like the one between Paraguay and Japan today. A soccer fan may categorize it as a tense, suspenseful duel, but for me it's over 120 minutes of total futility. In over two hours of play, some of the best players in the world couldn't muster one goal? I know scoring is at a premium but both teams should be ashamed of themselves. Even if it was a 1-1 draw or a 2-2 draw, I would give them some credit, but really not one goal? On top of the insult of a scoreless draw, instead of forcing the teams to man up and keep playing until one of them takes a lead, it goes to the shootout; which is like the equivalent of everyone agreeing that after regulation and overtime, neither side is capable of scoring a goal under normal conditions so we have to literally have the two teams take turns shooting in controlled, unfettered situations. It's like a little league game that gets converted to a t-ball game since no one can hit or a bowling match that turns into bumper bowling since everyone is chucking up gutterballs. I mean, even tennis will force its players to keep playing to the point of total exhaustion until things are settled.

At the bottom of this mine lies one hell of a man

2010-06-15T22:46:00.008-04:00

With all the excitement from all the 1-1 and 0-0 ties of this opening week of World Cup games (although I do have to note South Korea did win their opener against Greece 2-0, which is probably like a 25 point blowout in basketball terms), I must apologize profusely for my belated condolences for the recent passing of country singer, actor, and sausage magnate Jimmy Dean; a true modern day renaissance man. While not exactly a "triple treat" in the traditional mold of multi-talented entertainers like Gene Kelly or Mitzi Gaynor or Usher, for me personally he's made a lasting impression in every field he's been involved in.

In country music, his original trade, he topped both the country and billboard charts with his signature hit "Big Bad John"; one of my all time favorite country story songs (and believe me there are A LOT of country story songs) and definitely my favorite song involving pick axe sound effects.

In his brief foray into acting he had his memorable turn as reclusive billionaire Willard Whyte in "Diamonds Are Forever". Generally considered one of the worst of the Bond films, but I kind of liked the intentional campiness of it (am I the only one that liked Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd?). In the incredibly specific field of one-shot Bond allies I would have to consider Jimmy Dean as one of the best.

Of course, Mr. Dean's later innovations in the breakfast foods industry needs no exposition. I certainly had more than a few breakfast croissants growing up.

One of the sadder facts of the passing of Jimmy Dean is with the sharp decline of Kenny Rogers Roasters and what I'm pretty sure is the complete bankruptcy of Ted Nugent's licensed beef jerky product "Gonzo Meat Biltong" (seriously I can't even find of picture of it on the internet), it appears the days of the singer/actor/food baron seem to be going the way of home telephones lines and movie rental stores. On the other hand though it's a true testament to the admirably prolific and accomplished life the man lead.

Happy trails, Jimmy Dean

Picture This!

2010-06-12T22:59:00.013-04:00

I'm sure somebody has already mentioned it, but if a rushed, exploitative made-for-tv movie is ever made of the Gulf Coast Oil Spill Disaster the obvious choice (if the producers could swing it in the budget) to play vilified BP CEO Tony Hayward would be:

Academy Award nominated British actor, Colin Firth. I even have the title already thought up: "Black Gold: The Gulf Oil Spill Disaster". You better believe the title credits would begin the with second tier Soul Asylum hit "Black Gold". Even way back in 1993, the band was able to predict that our exponentially demanding modern day energy requirements would soon lead to increasingly riskier and extreme energy extracting operations and greater environmental trade-offs...in an accessible, mainstream radio friendly, alternative rock sound. If this current disaster does indeed get turned into a movie and Mr. Firth gets on board he could take great pride in being the latest in a long and distinguished line of "made-for-tv movies about unlikable corporate CEOs" like:

"MASH" regular Mike Farrell as former Enron CEO Ken Lay in "The Crooked E: The Unshredded Truth about Enron". Until I recently looked it up, I thought Brian Dennehy played the Lay role, but it turns out he played some over-the-top fictional character in the film called: Mr. Blue:

Pimp.

And Anthony Michael Hall as the Machiavellian founder of Microsoft Bill Gates in "Pirates of Silicon Valley"; a film that really jumped the gun in proclaiming the ultimate demise of Apple Computers. Considering that at the time of the film, 1999, everyone was rocking Windows 98 and the iPod was still two years away from coming out, it wasn't the most ridiculous of assessments. Also, Hall as uber-nerd Gates was a brilliant return to form for anyone who still had lingering doubts that he could still play geeks after his shocking turn as the evil jock antagonist in "Edward Scissorhands".

J'accuse!: The Ending of "The Scout"

2010-06-03T15:08:00.009-04:00

Purely obligatory (and frankly unnecessary) "spoiler alert": For all those people who have "watch the 1994 Albert Brooks/Brendan Fraser baseball comedy 'The Scout'" on their bucket lists, perhaps you should sit this post out (and seriously question why you have this on your bucket list). For everyone else on the fence, I just want to note that it's a pretty shitty ending anyway (hence the blog post) so you're really not missing out on much by having it "spoiled".

Obviously the biggest story in baseball right now is unfortunate Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga losing his historic perfect game bid yesterday due to an unambiguously blown call by the first base umpire (boy did Griffey really pick the wrong night to retire). This would have been the 21st perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball, the 3rd in the last 25 days, and the 2nd in 4 days. Try as I might at this time I still cannot muster the proper perspective yet to truly appreciate the fantastic odds of having two (almost three) perfect games, a confluence of circumstances so rare that in the hundreds of thousands of games of baseball played in the past 130 plus years it has only happened 20 times, in such a brief span of time.

This ludicrous rash of recent perfect games also reminded reminded me of the above pictured mediocre mid-90s baseball movie: "The Scout". As a kid, I actually liked "The Scout", it didn't reach the upper tier heights of 90's kid baseball fantasies like "Rookie of the Year" or "Angels in the Outfield" but I found it most definitely watchable. Brenden Fraser's usual affable mimbo charm, Albert Brooks playing the same self-obsessed, neurotic, poor-man's Woody Allen character he's played for the last 30 years, the multiple Oscar winning talents of the inexplicably present Diane Wiest, the ass load of baseball player cameos; all these combined to at least create something one wouldn't mind watching for an hour and a half. I'd say it's somewhere below "Mr. Baseball" and above watching 3 half hour episodes of "Arli$$" which sort of follows this formula (replacing Brooks for the even lower quality Robert Wuhl, but upgrading Wiest with the foxy Sandra Oh).

The thing about "The Scout" however is that the more one follows and learns about real-life baseball, the more insultingly ridiculous the movie becomes. Obviously sports movies are given some degree of artistic license and the classic kids baseball movie get a free pass because they're obviously for kids (although "Little Big League" comes off looking like Ken Burns' "Baseball" when compared to "The Scout"), but often a movie like "The Scout" stretches the bounds of plausibly to the point where you wonder why they even went through the trouble of incorporating real sports teams and players and setting it in our universe. I could probably write an even longer, more detailed "J'accuse" about the entire movie but it's really the ending which provides a brilliantly ridiculous climax built upon a mountain of flimsiness.

Unfortunately no clips outside of the trailer exist for the film, a testiment to either it's forgettable mediocrity or Twentieth Century Fox's skills at downplaying their film mistakes. We'll have to rely on my descriptions based on my memories built over many a repeat watchings of it on Comedy Central. To quickly summarize the film, Albert Brooks plays the titular baseball scout for the Yankees who after his latest can't miss prospect spectacularly washes out in his debut, is fired and ends up in some far off amateur baseball league in Mexico. It is there that he find Brendan Fraser, who is essentially an invisible baseball dominating robot who literally strikes everybody out with his consistent 100+ mph pitches and also homers in every at bat (I mean he's obviously supposed to be really good, but he borders on the absurdly superhuman). Of course there's a slight catch, apparently Brendan Fraser's character has some deep mental issues, I think some childhood abuse trauma (they really do a poor job of explaining it) that psychologist Dianne Wiest is hired to help with but really does nothing throughout the film aside from looking concerned.

In the movie's second most ridiculous sequence, Albert Brooks bring Fraser to America where he (as an unemployed, failed scout) manages to set up an individual tryout for Fraser in Yankee Stadium with with every MLB GM showing up to evaluate and eventually bid on this nobody from Mexico with absolutely no known past. In addition, he gets Keith Hernandez and Brett Saberhagen for him to strike out and hit towering homers against respectively. Somehow striking out a 41-year old Keith Hernandez who had been retired for 4 years at the time and hitting dingers off Brett Saberhagen, coming off his infamous "spraying bleach at reporters" season with the 103 loss Mets (in an even year no less!), impresses the GMs so much that they erupt in a huge bidding war. The Yankees end up winning by giving Fraser the biggest contract in baseball history (by far the most accurate part of the film) with the crazy stipulation that he will start the first game of the World Series if the Yankee make it.

Against all odds, the pre-dynasty era Yankees make it to the Fall Classic (mildly unbelievable at the time) against the Cardinals and Fraser is called in to pitch (which I'm sure to the resentment and disdain of no one on the team). Fraser's ambiguous mental demons initially prevent him from starting but eventually after a heart-to-heart with Brooks he makes his debut and pitches THE MOST RIDICULOUS BASEBALL GAME EVER!

Now there have been perfect games (even one in the World Series), there have been 20 strike out games, and pitchers occasionally hit home runs. Given all the scenes of Frasor's dominant baseball skills and the events that transpired in the film already I would not have found it too unbelievable that he does all those things in the game; which he does. What really breaks the camels back, obliterates the camels back, grinds the remains of the camel into a fine mist of bone and tissue, is the manner in which he does it. In addition to providing the only 2 runs of the game on a home run, he throws a perfect game by striking out all 27 batter on 81 consecutive strikes. So he never threw a ball and no one even managed to make contact with a pitch. He essentially obsoletes the game of baseball. In addition why didn't the writers just made him pitch to himself? Or have him strike out three people in succession with one slow pitch as well? Or catch a home run by following it to the top of the Empire State Building and throwing his glove in the air? All these options are just as cartoonish and impossible as this perfect perfect game he just threw.

As if the whole thing wasn't already enough of a farce, the film manages to somehow outdo itself once again by dementedly trying to instill suspense and tension in the last at-bat against the dangerous...Ozzie Smith ("Go crazy, folks!"). The same Ozzie Smith who was elected to the Hall of Fame overwhelmingly on the strength of his defense. The same Ozzie Smith who had 28 career home runs. The same Ozzie Smith with a career .262 batting average. The same Ozzie Smith who was 39 at the time and in the twilight of his career. He was a bigger threat to break up the perfect game with a bunt single than with anything else. I understand that the mid-90s Cardinals weren't exactly stacked with mashers but the producers really couldn't have gotten a slightly more plausible hitting threat ("Hard Hittin'" Mark Whiten? Ray Lankford? Todd Zeile?)?

You would think that director Michael Ritchie who also directed the "The Bad News Bears", a classic baseball movie with a notably unconventional ending, would have objected to such a ridiculously contrived conclusion. Maybe the ending was intentional, like some high-concept, absurdist, take on the typical Hollywood happy endings of sports movies that subversively mocked the concept by taking it to its grotesque extreme. Or maybe Jason Donald really did beat the throw. For a completely implausible sports movie ending that somehow manages to outdo an already implausible sports movie, all I can say is: "J'accuse!"

Sign O' The Apocalypse: A Bigger Bang

2010-05-17T20:52:00.004-04:00

Guess what aggressively mediocre, yet bafflingly popular CBS sitcom has just secured the most lucrative syndication deal in TV history? So get ready America, starting in the fall of next year, the offensive nerd equivalent of "Amos 'n' Andy" will be blasting at you from at least three different networks (Fox, CBS, TBS); that's almost "Family Guy"-like levels of television saturation (speaking of "Family Guy" I actually have to note their relatively recent spot on Big Bang Theory parody, definitely one of their occasional hits).

Also interestingly the article mentions that the show broke the previous syndication record held by "Two and Half Men", another illogically popular sitcom created by Mr. Chuck Lorre, who created other such classic fare as "Dharma and Greg", "Cybill", and "Grace Under Fire" (although "Grace" wasn't really all that bad, sort of a poor man's "Roseanne"). This extended string of perplexing success only furthers my pet theory that Chuck Lorre sold his soul sometime around the second season of "My Secret Identity".

Happy Mother's Day...till you're bleeding!

2010-05-09T10:10:00.006-04:00

Since it's always so close to my birthday, May 7th, especially years like this and next year where it gets dangerously close, there's always been a bit of tension between me and Mother's day (and to a lesser extend V-E Day). I'm sure other people with birthdays near major holidays feel similar discord; those near Christmas birthdays must be the worst. However, I am on the record as saying I am not opposed to mothers in general and the celebration of motherhood. I'll probably call my mother sometime today, I suggest you should too; it's a totally overpowered move for impressing your mom, like M. Bison's psycho crusher. Flowers? Straight up broken.

Helpful Tax Tips

2010-04-15T09:30:00.008-04:00

So today is April 15th, "Tax Day". Maybe if I ever actually held down a job and earned enough income this would mean something to me. Until that terrible time, the Ides of April will continue to remind me of large chains giving out random free stuff and, of course, legendary WWE heel Irwin R. Shyster, better known as IRS.

I understand that since he's a heel the tips above are supposed to be unfair and unconscionable, but really from what I've learned in my basic federal income tax every one of those "tips" seem to be fairly accurate. You shouldn't be claiming your pets as household dependents. Tips from work and money made from garage sales are generally gross income and should be reported. He even includes the forward thinking green message of getting rid of your gas guzzler.

It's quite an admirable commitment to accuracy when compared to the outrageous antics of contemporary heels like the Repo Man (who would arbitrarily reposes random items from other wrestlers without any cause) or The Goon (just because he claimed to be a former hockey goon didn't explain why he would come to the ring in a full hockey outfit, complete with skates). For me, the only questionable move by IRS was teaming up with the Million Dollar Man to from Money Inc. Sure, it turned out to be a highly successful tag team partnership, but I always figured a tax stickler like IRS would always be at odds with an unscrupulous millionaire like the Million Dollar Man who you knew was working more angles than Exxon and GE to avoid paying taxes.

Lock(horn)ed and Reloaded

2010-04-10T11:03:00.012-04:00

To the dozen or so people who actually read my ongoing Lockhorns Blog regularly, your silent prayers have been answered. After falling behind for most of March and the beginning of April, I can now proudly announce that as of April 10, 2010 the site is completely updated. The last three days have been long, taxing, and the overwhelming bleakness of the material might have put me in a disturbingly dark place during the process; but what's important is that it is finished. Priority-wise I probably should have just given up on the site after fulfilling my original year long commitment and focused on pressing "real world" deadlines (finals, graduation, the bar exam, job hunt), but I found that I couldn't fully focus on any of those other activities until I took the moral imperative to continue updating, at least for this year.

Will I allow the site to lapse as egregiously as before? I'll try my best not to but probably yes. Am I still glad I didn't give up on it? Absolutely. So to help everyone pace themselves and ease on into this flood of updates, here are five standout panels (at least in my opinion) from the previous month to start off with:

March 21, 2010

"Judging by that contemplative look in his his eyes, he's probably wondering if his current saw has the tensile strength to cut through human bone and various layers of fat."

April 7, 2010
"...I really hope Leroy's mustachioed buddy is just another frustrated husband waiting for his wife to finish shopping rather than some creepy pervert who purchases women's shoes for his own sick pleasures."

March 25, 2010

"By 'increasingly judgmental' does Leroy mean 'increasingly insane'?"

March 24, 2010

"Perhaps when he's looking through the phone book Leroy can also find someone to finally install doors in their kitchen cabinets and slots in their gigantic cinder block of a toaster."

March 29, 2010

"We all know that between the bad driving and shopping addiction, Loretta is far from the contemporary liberated woman but in this scene she makes Cathy look like Gloria Steinem."

The Worst That Could Happen

2010-03-25T18:17:00.005-04:00

It's not exactly the death of Michael Jackson, perhaps not even up to the notoriety level of Jim Marshall (I always found "famous rock and roll photographer" to be one of the most intolerably pretentious distinctions around), who also died today, but I found the passing of classic oldies crooner Johnny Maestro a particularly sad and notable passing.

All this is based almost entirely (we also share the same birthday, May 7th, so it's always a bummer to lose a cosmic brother) on my absolute love of his signature 1968 smash hit "The Worst That Could Happen" (as Johnny Maestro and the Brooklyn Bridge); a cheesy, horn laden, over-the-top pile driver of a ballad that hits all my guilty (then again do I even have a sense of guilt when it comes to the music I like?) pop music pleasure centers. Aside from the sublime joy of karaoking the song and the ridiculous amount of needless gravitas the singer puts on the situation (labeling the target of the song's marriage to be "THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!"), it places the listener in a really intriguing (possibly confusing) situation with regards to the protagonist's intentions. The song goes along that extremely rare "I love you so much that I want to see you happy with another man...but really I still want you" route. The only other famous hit song I can think of off the top of my head that goes along that sort of conflicted path is Freddie Fender's 1975 country crossover #1 "Before the Next Teardrop Falls".

Actually before today's untimely death, I was bouncing around the idea of doing a post where I did an in-depth look at whether the protagonist from "The Worst That Could Happen" was actually being a romantic hero or just an unbelievable douche by telling his long time love about his feelings and how her marriage to another man would essentially ruin him (at her wedding no less). My view was that a positive or negative assessment would likely correlate with how much one was a fan of romantic comedies, since essentially the entire genre is distilled into the song's three minutes. The listener finds themselves at the tail end of a classic boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl story with the boy desperately attempting to complete that last step at the wedding . People who either actually wholeheartedly believe in the romantic comedy conceit or people who enjoy and appreciate the rule of the romantic comedy would find the protagonist's actions to be romantic and justified. People who despise the manufactured prefabricated nature of the rom com or who don't really believe in the concept of romantic love would think the protagonist's actions are whiny and unreasonable. I'm for the former but no perspective is inherently wrong.

Needless analysis of the song aside, "The Worst That Could Happen" also has a particularly special significance to me as I enter that point in my life where all my friends and peers are starting to get married. For perhaps the next decade or so, I'll likely be attending the marriages of various like-aged friends, acquaintances, relatives as they transition from their unhindered 20s to the domestic stability of their 30s. I may even end up as one of them before the decade is out (hey, anything's possible). I would be forever regretful that if, during this dynamic period of martial transitions, I didn't get at least one opportunity to sing what may possibly be the most inappropriate wedding song ever written (with the possible exception of "If You Wanna Be Happy" by Jimmy Soul) to the bride-to-be at an engagement party and have the entire reception fall into horrible awkward silence as I profess my unknown, burning love for them.

Now that would be the best that could happen.

And Today's Winner of the "Victor's Sells Out Spirit Award" is...

2010-03-15T21:00:00.007-04:00

...Donna Simpson, hopefully the next world's fattest woman. Sure the idea of rigorously attempting to become the grotesque living embodiment of gluttony and excess by consuming as many calories as possible while inversely limiting your movements down to the mere act of shoving more food down your gullet may seem unspeakably appalling. Perhaps it may be seen as an unconscionably obscene affront to all the millions upon millions of people going hungry around the world, and does nothing to shake off the ugly global perception that Americans wallow in fat, lazy, decadence let alone speak well of the kind of people that come from New Jersey. You may view the fact we as a society are not only allowing this occur, but are actually facilitating it by paying her through the internet; and thus should be considered silent but willing accomplices in her self inflicted death should her heart eventually explode in a supernova of cheese and butter.

All these would be valid initial reactions to reading the story, but after thinking about it for a second I'm starting I see the odd logic behind it all. As a morbidly obese, immobile, 600 lb woman you're just a fat person. As a morbidly obese, immobile, 1000+ lb woman, you are a world champion! After you reach a certain degree of bigness, really everything else is just (literally and figuratively) gravy. If you're going to be a lardo, why not be the biggest lardo. There's no denying that she's going to have a whole lot more fun gaining 400 lbs than losing 400 lbs and it's not like anyone's going to pay to see her eat right and exercise. If I were in her strained, gigantic shoes, I would do the same thing. So despite what doctors and other naysayers may say, you just keep on packing on those pounds Donna Simpson and to quote the inspirational words of the late Jim Valvano (replacing the struggle to survive a terminal illness with the struggle to eat more) "Don't give up, don't ever give up."

She was like part woman, part horrible beast

2010-02-16T16:33:00.006-05:00

I guess I should throw in a cursory warning that the following blog post does indeed contain plot spoilers for the classic, controversial music video for The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up". So if you're some time traveler from the distant past or have been frozen in ice for the 90s, maybe you should just watch it beforehand if you don't want to be denied one of the best twist endings of the 90s outside of the "Sixth Sense" (spoiler: Bruce Willis is dead).

So anyways, "Smack My Bitch Up", one of my all time favorite music videos. It really has everything I look for in the music video medium (and really all media in general): action, displays of violence, adult situations, sex (preferably girl on girl), and twist endings. As an additional bonus, I even enjoyed the music on an independent basis (my freshman year of high school purchase of "The Fat of the Land" is definitely the height of my explorations into "electronic music"). The controversial elements of the video are obviously what gives it is lasting legacy, but for me it's really the ending that I find the most shocking of all.

All the violence, sex, misogyny, drug use, etc. are really generic elements that the jaded 21st (or even the late 20th) century observer has seen countless times before. The big final reveal that the video's protagonist, with whom you've voyeuristically shared the whole chaotic video through their eyes, is actually a woman and thus subverting all your perceptions about everything that just happened; now that's shockingly unexpected! I'm sure someone can also make a up big feminist analysis of the whole thing, with lines about empowerment and gender roles in media as well. I just really dig it for the same reason I like reruns of the Twilight Zone and O. Henry short stories: those clever twist endings.

Watching the video again recently I realized that a lot of contrivances (some more subtle than others) had to go into the video to maintain the gender charade until the end of the video. Some of the more obvious contrivances are: the lack of mirrors and opportunities for reflection, the unisex clothes, the sparse bedroom, the ambiguous attention from both female and male characters throughout the night. However, I noticed that most of the entire video's ruse depends on the fact that the actress playing the protagonist has subtle "man hands".

While obviously nowhere near the comical effect of Jerry's date from the "Seinfeld" episode that coined the phrase, our protagonist clearly has a pair of mitts that would at least be considered gender neutral. They lack any hint of the telltale daintiness, delicateness, and refinement one would expect out of a young, swinging 90's, British woman's hands. These are some sturdy looking paws: no manicure, no nail polish, no rings, no signifying bracelets; and since they are basically our only physical clues to the character it's absolutely essential for the video that they are that way. Any trace of femininity would have given the ending away or at least raised questions and diminished the effectiveness of the ending. So therein lies the key to the video's greatness, whether it's taking a shower, preparing lines of cocaine, eating takeout, knocking back shot after shot, assaulting a DJ, recklessly driving drunk, or making love to a stripper; our protagonist never tips their hand.

Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Am I right?

2010-02-02T12:38:00.008-05:00

Dear Weather Channel Executives ,

I noticed that you've recently decided to abandon your core principles of being a channel to provide information about the weather and decided to occasionally air feature films tangentially related to the weather (Perfect Storm and Twister I understand, but Deep Blue Sea...really? Are you just counting any movie that shows the weather on screen?). I personally don't really have a huge beef with this new programming direction, since I don't really watch the Weather Channel. For years, I always found the Weather Channel to be one of the more needlessly roundabout ways to get information about the weather. It seemed like every time I flipped over to see what the local weather was like I'd be getting the five day outlook for Duluth, MN or Scottsdale, AZ. I've always found it far quicker and easier to just check the internet, the paper, the local news, or even the nearest window.

Also, it seems like it's the general trend of current cable channels to be compromising their original narrow programming objectives. MTV and VH1 hardly show any music videos, ESPN started making their own made-for-tv films, Bravo and A&E used to be about the arts and culture, and the only thing I'm "learning" on TLC is what the current lowest common denominator is for reality programming. So, really I can't fault the Weather Channel for merely trying to stay relevant in this shifting cable landscape. I figure in a few decades all cable television will just be slightly different flavors of TNT/TBS.

With that said, I have a dynamite idea for your channel that I'm willing to give away free of charge. Seeing as how today is Groundhog Day, the premier (and so far only) holiday devoted to weather forecasting, the Weather Channel would benefit greatly by capitalizing on this massive promotional opportunity. Given this and your recent decision to show movies, I think you know where I'm going with this: 24 hours of "Groundhog Day" marathon!

Frankly, I'm shocked that this hasn't already. It's an absolutely perfect synergy of weather forecasting and weather entertainment. TBS's decision to run 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" each year has become an undeniable hit and has now firmly entrenched itself as a holiday television tradition in its own right along with airings of "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve and "The 10 Commandments" on Easter. For the small price of obtaining the rights to "Groundhog Day", the Weather Channel can gain that valuable, long lasting cultural cache. In addition, if you think about it, given the unique narrative structure of "Groundhog Day", a repetitive marathon is more than apt.

I understand that this is the first year Weather Channel is showing movies so the missing of this golden opportunity is somewhat forgivable. However the channel should not find themselves on Groundhogs Day 2011 repeating this mistake. They should immediately set out on obtaining the rights, lest some other rival network like USA or TBS or maybe even SpikeTV comes in and steals your thunder and leaves the Weather Channel out in the cold (dig those weather puns I threw in there?)

Sincerely,
Victor

Happy New Year!

2010-01-10T11:26:00.005-05:00

Fellow friends of Victor Sells Out, I want to first start off with an apology. It has been well over an entire month since my last post. Although this blog is no stranger to extended posting delays, that was inexcusably long hiatus even for the extremely low standards of this blog. For that I am sorry.

Compared to my banner year of 2008, the previous year has been a clear letdown. The blog regressed from 130 total posting with a minimum of 10 per month to a mere 76 total posts overall with December registering an all time low of 1 post. In addition to the quantity, I felt the quality of the posts were a bit off. There were more than a couple posts that were either too brief or were questionable departures from logic. In pushing a lot of my time and energy into completing my yearlong Lockhorns project (and to a lesser extent: school, work, personal life, etc....) I unfortunately gave my flagship blog the short shrift. Also, I think I'll blame the recession too. For a blog that entered 2009 with high expectations of growth and greater success, it was a great disappointment on par with the 2009 Mets or Season 3 of "Sliders" (you can probably lump the rest of the series run in that category).

However, take heart; it is a new year (and even a new decade)! It's the perfect time for improvement and everyone's on a redemption kick. What will this mean for Victor Sells Out in 2010? Well, if there's one thing I learned in law school thus far is never to definitely promise any future action or result, lest you open yourself up to liability; but I will promise that I will attempt to churn out a significantly improved blog for the upcoming year in terms of both quantity and quality. I will try to not procrastinate too much about posting. I will give my best efforts in trying to post prompt entries that are more current and relevant. So basically my tentative non-binding promise to you is that at the very least it'll be better than last year.

So Happy New Year follow readers and get ready for another year of (slightly less) spotty updating courtesy of Victor Sells Out!

Getting Down With the Clown!

2009-12-06T23:03:00.010-05:00

The other night I just zoning in and out of another predictably underwhelming new episode of Saturday Night Live when I can across one of the most interesting sketches in a long time. Aside from being pretty funny (a most definite rarity in this the third decade era of the show), it surprised me with its acute esotericness. I certainly didn't expect this sort of random Gathering of the Juggalos bashing coming out of the SNL writer's room.

When it came on I was briefly taken back a couple of summers ago when I first came across a youtube clip advertising this surreal Insane Clown Posse themed Woodstock. Everything about it just seeming mesmerizingly terrible and fascinating at the same time. From the seemingly endless list of "underground" (i.e. obscure) random psychotic clown rap, horrorcore, rap rock, death metal acts, to the bizarre yet strangely fitting integration of backyard wrestling, carnival games, camping, and stand up comedy; it all seemed like some sort of mythical event of unfathomable suck. Even the venue city, Cave-In-Rock, IL, seemed like a fantasy location. Despite it being the Faygo soaked polar opposite of every musical, cultural, artistic aesthetic I enjoyed, deep in the back of my mind I kind of wanted to go just to see how much worse it could be, to really embrace the pure unadulterated awfulness.

Looking at the latest, psychotic, mud caked infomercial for the 2009 gathering below, I am pleasantly disturbed that even though the SNL sketch was obviously exaggerated for comic effect, I still find the real thing to be even more surreal and nonsensical.

So anyone up for a road trip to Cave-In-Rock the 11th annual next summer?